I read a summary of Gwyneth Paltrow and Tracy Anderson’s Hamptons Magazine cover story a few days ago, but I only read the full piece on Sunday. It’s the kind of thing that you really just have sit down and read and let the pretentious, ass-kissy, ridiculousness wash over you. Goop and Tracy are business partners and they cover Hamptons Mag because they’re opening up a new studio IN the Hamptons for Tracy, plus they’re doing a new food-delivery service called 3 Green Hearts. As you’ve probably guessed, the food service will be all organic, gluten-free and salad-based, although surprisingly, there is some meat involved (mostly fish). I would highly recommend reading the full story here, but here are some of the most eye-roll-inducing moments (note: Gwyneth was supposed to be interviewing Tracy).

Tracy on her connection to the Hamptons: “Funny you should ask that of me, since you’re responsible for introducing me to [the Hamptons]. But the Hamptons is where I’ve called home for the last eight years—ever since we first started working together on your lovely body for the first Iron Man. You, of course, have a beautiful home in Amagansett, and were lovely enough to bring me and my family out for the summer to continue our work together. We just have never left.

Goop’s shill for Tracy: “To me, you’re a total fitness expert. You look like some kind of swimsuit model, but you’re really a scientist. That’s how I see the Tracy Anderson lifestyle. [You know the regimen,] the food combinations, and the best exercise clothes, but you also have such great style. All of that will be available at the new East Hampton studio.”

Tracy judges women who don’t wear the correct workout clothes: “If you need to lose weight, if you want to make sure you’re balanced everywhere and you’re able to perform, the food really matters. [And what you wear to work out really matters.] If you’re just in a crummy T-shirt with spit-up on it from your baby, then your performance is not going to be what it can be.”

Goop on Tracy’s workout don’ts: “Are there any fitness methods that you don’t recommend? I know you told me once not to only do the elliptical. Why don’t you like fitness methods that rely on one repetitive motion?”

Tracy’s workout don’ts: “Because I think that when people want to feel balanced and connected, they shouldn’t overdo anything. Many people don’t know what is going to make them feel balanced. If someone is pushing a ton of weight or if they’re slinging things in the air or cycling, they’re wearing down their joints. They’re compartmentalizing the larger muscles that are bone movers and they’re actually creating further imbalance in the body. It’s not even that your little muscles don’t activate; you’re charging up the same larger muscles over and over again. I see women all the time who say they run 15 miles a day but their butts are saggy. You’ve got muscles underneath the glutes that are inactive. There’s no reason for them to work right now because your glutes are crazy strong. That’s not what is going to lift your butt up. It’s just purely an education. I’m fine with anybody wanting to do whatever they want; it’s just about understanding what you’re actually doing with your body and what the result is going to be.

[From Hamptons Magazine]

There’s so much shilling for all of their crap throughout the piece, and Tracy has to spend half the time kissing Gwyneth’s ass (Tracy actually calls Gwyneth an “iconic entertainer” because OMG). Tracy has criticized other workouts before and even if she has some minor point about changing your routines and trying to get a full-body workout, I always get the impression that Tracy just thinks ALL workouts are terrible except for the ones she’s “designed.” She hates yoga, she hates running, she hates cycling, she hates the elliptical. The only workout that counts, in Tracy’s mind, is her “Method”.

Photos courtesy of Hamptons Magazine.