As I keep saying, Miles Teller is easily the biggest douche-bro frat-boy in Hollywood these days, and that alone is a spectacular accomplishment. I think he manages to pull it off because A) he actually is a talented actor, B) he actually has a great deal of charisma, both on-screen and off and C) he’s sort of funny in a horrifying way. Like, I don’t think he understands that he’s supposed to self-edit when he’s doing press. He’s so cocky and arrogant that he believes everyone will just forgive him when he’s talking out of his ass.

Miles covers the September issue of Esquire and this is easily the funniest Esquire profile I’ve read in a long time. The writer’s FIRST LINE is about sitting across from Miles and “trying to figure out if he’s a dick.” Spoiler: the writer quickly finds out that yes, he’s a dick, but he’s also sort of charming too. He’s the kind of celebrity who tells Esquire that he direct-messaged Kobe Bryant about how Miles related to Kobe’s “striving for greatness.” He also tells Esquire that his 22-year-old model girlfriend got his initials tattooed on her ass. God bless him. Some highlights from Esquire:

He’s good-looking: “I was thinking about that today, how I probably think I’m better-looking than the public thinks I am… I was in one of these forums about a film I did, and it’s like, ‘This dude is so ugly! How does he get f–king parts?’ ‘Well, he’s not, like, traditionally handsome, but . . .’ And that’s kind of what it is. Maybe it’s because I came from a small town, but I always did well for myself.”

Comparing himself to other actors: “But if I’m really homing in on the dramatic performance right now, it’s probably Christian Bale or it’s Joaq… I just said Joaq. Joaquin Phoenix. I don’t know him, but my publicist has repped him since he was, like, seventeen. She repped River, too. So I just hear his name.”

Whiplash director Damien Chazelle offered him another role in La La Land, then took it back: Miles explains that he almost passed up the chance to be in Arms and the Dudes because it would have conflicted with La La Land. “And I got a call from my agent, saying, ‘Hey, I just got a call from Lionsgate. Damien told them that he no longer thinks you’re creatively right for the project. He’s moving on without you.’ ” So he sent him a text: What the f–k, bro?

Being caught dancing at a concert: “I don’t give a sh-t. I can either censor myself or not, and you’re always trying to figure it out. It’s how you deal with the paparazzi. Do you not do what you would do? Do you live your life with all these filters and censors because everyone has a camera? Or do you f–king dance how you would dance and have people say, ‘Oh, he’s on drugs’? I was drinking and was at a f–king Brett Dennen f–king concert.”

The sweet spot: “It’s hard to get to the right position, to be somebody who is commercially successful and critically acclaimed. That’s the sweet spot.”

[From Esquire]

He also tells a lengthy story of why he no longer has any close friends from his high school days, and how he had to sue his friend’s insurance company, the same friend who was driving the car when they got into the terrible car crash that almost killed Miles. That’s where he comes across as almost humble, except not really. He’s still got this kind of bravado, which is so clearly his way of dealing with criticism. I mean, he’s the one sitting online reading comments about himself. HI MILES!!!! Please don’t call Joaquin Phoenix “Joaq” anymore.

PS… Even though Miles has more than year’s worth of evidence compiled against him that he is in fact a douche-bro dick, he’s still butthurt that Esquire called him a “dick”. To be fair to Esquire, first they ASKED if he was a dick, then they gave even more evidence.

@esquire couldn't be more wrong. I don't think there's anything cool or entertaining about being a dick or an asshole. Very misrepresenting

— Miles Teller (@Miles_Teller) August 5, 2015