There were several magazine features with Mindy Kaling out last week. She’s just starting to promote her new book, Why Not Me?, which is her second collection of essays/stories/miscellanea after the success of Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me? (And Other Concerns). I read her first book and I enjoyed it – it’s a light read and I ended up relating to it a great deal (I’m close in age to Mindy and I’m half-Indian). One of the features out last week was an excerpt from Mindy’s new book, an essay called “The Guide To Killer Confidence.” You can read the full piece here. Here are a few moments that I wanted everyone to enjoy:
The context of being asked about her confidence: “When an adult white man asks me ‘Where do you get your confidence?’ the tacit assumption behind it is: ‘Because you don’t look like a person who should have any confidence. You’re not white, you’re not a man, and you’re not thin or conventionally attractive. How were you able to overlook these obvious shortcomings to feel confident?’”
What “confidence” really means: “Confidence is just entitlement. Entitlement has gotten a bad rap because it’s used almost exclusively for the useless children of the rich, reality TV stars, and Conrad Hilton Jr., who gets kicked off an airplane for smoking pot in the lavatory and calling people peasants or whatever. But entitlement in and of itself isn’t so bad. Entitlement is simply the belief that you deserve something. Which is great. The hard part is, you’d better make sure you deserve it.”
Confidence comes from working hard: “People talk about confidence without ever bringing up hard work. That’s a mistake. I know I sound like some dour older spinster chambermaid on Downton Abbey who has never felt a man’s touch and whose heart has turned to stone, but I don’t understand how you could have self-confidence if you don’t do the work. I work a lot. Like, a lot a lot. I feel like I must have been watching TV as a kid and that cartoon parable about the industrious ants and the lazy grasshopper came on at a vital moment when my soft little brain was hardening, and the moral of it was imprinted on me. The result of which is that I’m usually hyper-prepared for whatever I set my mind to do, which makes me feel deserving of attention and professional success, when that’s what I’m seeking.”
On workaholics: “We do a thing in America, which is to label people “workaholics” and tell them that work is ruining their lives. It’s such a widespread opinion that it seems like the premise to every indie movie is “Workaholic mom comes home to find that her entire family hates her. It’s not until she cuts back on work, smokes a little pot, and takes up ballroom dancing classes with her neglected husband that she realizes what is truly important in life. Not work.” Working parents have now eclipsed shady Russian-esque operatives as America’s most popular choice of movie villain. And to some degree, I understand why the trope exists. It probably resonates because most people in this country hate their jobs…It’s just that, the truth is, I have never, ever, ever met a highly confident and successful person who is not what a movie would call a “workaholic.” We can’t have it both ways, and children should know that. Because confidence is like respect; you have to earn it.”
Confidence isn’t about being beautiful: “Looks are great, but they’re not compelling enough. I’ve noticed that successful actors with long careers are usually talented actors with charismatic screen presences, and all of them must exude one thing: confidence. Yes, a lot of them are good-looking, but from my eleven years in Hollywood, I have learned a secret: “good-looking” by Hollywood standards is achievable by every human on the planet. Every average-looking American is just a treadmill and six laser hair removal sessions away from looking like Ryan Reynolds and Blake Lively (who are a great couple, by the way).”
The whole piece is worth a read, and I’m assuming that the whole book will be worth a read as well. Mindy directs the entire essay to an unnamed teenage girl who asked her about confidence once and I hope a lot of young women are listening to what Mindy has to say. I’ll take this kind of thoughtful and honest conversation about confidence, entitlement, work and feminism over pretty much anything anyone else in Hollywood has to say.
Mindy also did the Proust Questionnaire in the September issue of Vanity Fair – go here to read.
Photos courtesy of WENN.
Bullshit. They are exclusive.
Yeah, no matter what she says confidence and entitlement do not mean the same thing.
I also rolled my eyes at the workaholic comment. There is such a thing as working way too much to the detriment of your family. If you’re going to be a workaholic, then fine, but don’t bring kids into the world!
Or, what I think she’s actually saying: If you want to stay home with your kids, then fine, but don’t expect an amazing career!
I love Mindy passionately, but I, too, was disturbed by her workaholic/family comments. Yes I agree it’s fine to be a workaholic, but not if you are a parent. As a teacher in a prep school where all of my students’ families are very affluent. Some of the moms are top executives or in high-profile positions, and I deal mostly with the nannies. In the events that they do take off work to come to important school events, they often express or display guilt that they are less involved in the raising of their kids. I’m not judging them at all, I really feel for them. I just think women today need to really examine the definition of “having it all”. I think women can have it all…in a lifetime, but in different seasons of life rather than all at the same time.
Yup. Not the same thing at all. Confident people have reasons and work ethic to get what /where they want. Entitled people think they should have it just because they want it. Kinda in the same vein as ‘I’m not an asshole, I’m just brutally honest all the time’.
I hear what you’re saying but I still think what she makes sense. They can go hand in hand and I think the most successful people do tend to have healthy measures of both.
I think Mindy had a sense of entitlement plus confidence. Her parents were professionals, she went to Dartmouth, she admits she was a bit of a slacker as an intern on Conan, and was closer to third base than a lot of people at the start. That’s not to say that she didn’t work hard. But luck is a big part of a success, and so is starting out with financial advantages. There are plenty of people who owe success to working hard and plenty of people who work hard but don’t find that level of success, as well as plenty of people who have confidence because they started out in an entitled class who will be successful in spite of work ethic or qualifications because they are connected. Those people have confidence because their belief in their powers is inherited and thus entitled.
Totally agree with Kiddo’s comments. The big element missing from MK’s piece on confidence is luck. You can work your tail off, but if no one recognizes that hard work (which is where you have to be lucky) it’s all for naught and your confidence won’t be any better
Hey I went to Dartmouth, too, and I’ll have you know that I am in no way an entitl–
*remembers she checks Celebitchy multiple times throughout her workday*
Um…. nevermind.
Nailing it Kiddo.
I enjoyed Mindy’s 1st book and numerous interviews of hers. That said she’s so full of it in a not good way on this “entitlement”. Massive eye roll.
And overall I did not enjoy this read. She’s done much better. This wasn’t good imo relative to her other works.
I’m so grateful to see this discussion. This bit from Mindy felt like a mind f***.
Only thing I can think to add is inheritance of $$. I know many people in well off positions now in no small part due to lots of family support both emotionally and financially. They are no better nor more talented than anyone else in their circle. They just got very lucky with great support systems. Sounds like very similar to Mindy.
I think what she said makes sense, as in feeling entitled to something just means you think you deserve it. Ex: Feeling you’re entitled to a higher salary because you do the same job as a male colleague, who earns more for it.
B.S. is right.
And maybe we should start talking about what success really means and the utter selfishness and superficiality of what she does and what most “successful” people accomplish.
I suspect she had the sort of connections that enabled her to open doors, the sort of doors that the unconnected can only dream of.
Maybe she’s never met an insecure entitled dbag before. You know, the kind who verbally abuse waiters and such. They seem to be everywhere though, so not sure how she’s avoided them.
She’s been more of an introvert. When she has broken out it’s been with a safe shield of support be it reputation or coworkers.
While she’s certainly had her struggles, she’s been very much protected. Sort of in a way she knows, but isn’t fully aware how bad it could have been. When she’s spoken of these things that’s how it’s always come across to me.
I think “insecure entitled douchebag” is the opposite of what she’s talking about. Entitled (in the way she’s using it) means you believe you deserve what you are working towards obtaining. Someone who is insecure does not believe, or doubts, that they deserve respect or good things. There are many of us entitled people who are never, EVER rude to waiters.
Totally agree with her!
I know enough people that are labeled arrogant/over-confident by others, but all I see are people simply confident with themselves and their life/success!
Love you, Minds!
I like this. It rings much more true than the usual “one day I decided o have confidence and not to care” which is usually said by celebrities. It takes work to feel confident.
And I think she’s so pretty. She really has a beautiful face.
I enjoyed the excerpt, but to me ‘entitlement’ conjures the idea of getting whatever without doing the hard work…deserving and entitled are not the same thing.
+1
My impression as well.
I love this piece with Mindy Kaling about confidence. I just hope that these arrogant movies stars and untalented celebrities should take a note for her piece.
Reality stars have been quoted as feeling they work hard because I guess it is a hard job?. However when I was feeling defeated I went back to school and received a 4.0, then focused on a court case whereby my rights had been stomped on and I won. I don’t know about reality stars, but I am entitled to hold my head up high – have worked extremely hard!
That is because you’ve worked hard to get what you deserved. You should held your head up hit. I am now going to community college now and I feel proud because I’ve saved money that I have worked hard. So we should hold our heads up high.
I am HERE for how much she talks about working hard. I am so completely over this “effortless” nonsense. Especially as women, we’re supposed to be at the top of our game and pretend like doing yoga and drinking water and being mindful or whatever is what got us there. Blood, sweat, and tears, baby.
I admire people who are disciplined and dedicated. I work like a rabid dog to get what I want and I am proud of the effort.
this!
Blood, sweat and tears, word on! Enough with looking like a magazine cover after running 10 miles.
Well said!
Yup. The effortless nonsense is in fact annoying.
PREACH IT!
I do like her and I see what she’s trying to say but no, it’s not as black and white as that. Honestly the word entitlement has a very negative meaning to me, one which I see every day.
“the belief that one is inherently deserving of privileges or special treatment.”
Yes but as I said above I think the most successful people I know and have observed are confident, extremely hardworking and entitled in a way that has helped them achieve that. I don’t know if that makes sense but I get what she’s saying. In many ways confidence and entitlement are two sides of the same coin.
My teenage son has recently pondered the phenomenon of popularity at his school, wondering what makes some of the the popular kids popular when on the surface it seems like they shouldn’t be — because they don’t have exceptional looks or talent or brains or even interesting personalities. I think it comes down to both confidence and entitlement there, too.
I suppose I have no issue with entitlement so long as it’s backed up with the work which ties in with your point, and is relevant to Mindy herself because she seems extremely hardworking.
Unfortunately my personal experiences are with those few who feel the entitlement with zero effort behind it and I think it’s clouded my judgement. 🙁
Lindy79, I’ve met both types and the “entitlement with zero effort” type is indeed the worst.
Esmom, I agree with you – and appreciate your subtle reading of what I think she is trying to get at.
Some of this is semantics, imo – coupled with the pejorative connotation associated with the word ‘entitlement’ (notably used to describe both spoiled rich brats… and by Fox when describing social services as ‘entitlements’ to the undeserving poor.)
I’m guessing, though, that she is referring to people who manage to ‘entitle’ themselves by virtue of granting themselves the right to have confidence in themselves… specifically via hard work and healthy self-image, as she suggests.
Get the distinct feeling from reading the interview excerpts that she understands how confidence can be a battle, and that you gear yourself up with feeling like you have the right (or are ‘entitled’) to fight it for yourself.
“We do a thing in America, which is to label people “workaholics” and tell them that work is ruining their lives.”
Look at american work life and work life in most european countries. Lots of american are literally working themselves to death, the luckier ones get burned out and reconsider their lives. How much days off do you get? Paternity leave? Do you have to have your cellphone on and work even when you are supposed to be done with work for the day?
Maybe think about that. Also “working parents” is WAY different than being a workaholic. just like enjoying a beer is different from being an alcoholic.
Wages are stagnant. People are making less money on jobs than years ago, but costs have not gone down. People are workaholics by virtue of necessity. She is talking about wealthy individuals who have a choice, and that is a small elite demographic.
Wow. This is the best interview I’ve read from ANYONE in a loooooooong time. I’ve only seen a few epis of The Office, and have not seen/read anything else she’s done. I should!
Check her out mememe! I loved her first book and her show “The Mindy Project”. She’s a smart and funny chick!
Totally agree with her, if you do the work and put in the effort you will learn and know what you are doing which is how you are confident and gives you the the right be entitled to ask for that you deserve.
She is right though if you don’t do the work and put in the effort then you won’t have the confidence because you won’t truly know what you’re doing.
And at no point is she saying only work she is saying if you want something you have to do the work required to get it, and doing that doesn’t make you a bad person. If you want to be a doctor you have to put in the hours, if you want her career well she works A LOT. If you’re not willing to put in that time you won’t get where she is or wherever you want to be. I’ve seen it all the time in my career people thinking it just comes and they can work 9-6, nope sorry not going to happen.
I also think it is always better to tell young girls and boys to put in the effort so they can feel that sense of pride that comes with accomplishment instead of just the standard believe in yourself. People have taken kids earning and their ability to feel accomplishment and pride it’s so sad. Best advice you can give.
Yes to everything you say, especially the last paragraph. One of my kids is naturally a very hard worker but the other one struggles to do more than the minimum required on many things. I think I finally got through to him when he realized that putting in less than 100% doesn’t always feel so good when others around him are working harder and achieving more. It’s a harder lesson for some than others but one that definitely needs to be learned.
I think it’s sad what we’ve done with kids. I was the last generation that wasn’t part of the everyone got a trophy in sports and so I was able to learn the importance of winning and losing, and what happens when you work hard. Now since we are so worried about their self esteem we have actually taken away everything there is so they can develop self confidence and pride in their accomplishments.
There is nothing wrong in working hard, trying your best and failing you’ll gain as much confidence from that as you will from the success because just like she said the work does it.
K, with all due respect, I don’t think what you’re saying is true. I don’t know where this trope of “everyone get a trophy now” comes from because I have not found it to be the case at all. I do think hard work is still valued and emphasized, at least in my world. My kids have learned tough lessons from losing, whether it be in sports, music auditions, academics, even socially, and most definitely haven’t been rewarded just for participating.
Of course there are parents/kids who feel entitled to being rewarded for basically just showing up. But I don’t think it’s fair to paint an entire generation with that brush.
No no no sorry didn’t mean to say anything bad about the generation. I apologize if I wasn’t clear. What I mean was by setting the standard of not keeping score, not letting them win and lose they have lost that sense of earning and accomplishment that comes with truly winning the trophy. To no fault of the kids. What I mean is because we got so worried someone would feel bad and be left out we robbed them of a chance to have an experience. I know this is being discussed now by academics and stuff that it might have been hurtful. This is obviously little league and stuff. Sorry if I wasn’t clear.
K, I think you were clear but again that hasn’t been my experience. Both my kids have played numerous sports since they were little and they kept score, and there were winners and losers. And champions got trophies and losers got nothing. And it was all fine. And in school there have been writing contests and spelling bees and auditions, where someone won and others lost.
I’m not sure where this mythical place is where people don’t keep score and everyone gets a trophy. Because I haven’t seen it. Has this really been your experience?
I agree with most of the things you wrote but I do not agree with this:
I’ve seen it all the time in my career people thinking it just comes and they can work 9-6, nope sorry not going to happen.
The saying ‘don’t work hard, work smart’ is very true. Somebody can accomplish in 4 hours what another person would do in 8. Sometimes it’s about having a natural talent or better developed skills acquired over time but oftentimes it’s plain lack of focus and having enough time to waste.
Many times I have seen people being discouraged from working too hard or else their hours will be cut down or jobs are lost. A friend of mine was passed up for a job she was more than qualified for and she had been loyal to the company for close to 8 years. She works HARD yet the receptionist with no proper qualifications, training or experience got the job after working there a bit more than a year. They were willing to invest in her when my friend was the best candidate. She got out of that job and raised her professional bar by applying for jobs that are worthy of her skills. Hard workers aren’t automically appreciated, she learned that the hard way.
I have read many books on self-development and staying late and taking on everything to show how willing and hardworking you are will not make you climb the career ladder, it will make you the office chump. If you can’t do your work in the allotted time, you’re not as skilled as you think you are. When you finish work on time, you have more energy and time to spend on planning your next move. True leaders stay ahead of the game instead of being sucked up in a system that makes you believe that working your ass off 24/7 is going to get you somewhere quicker. It’s about being effective and making yourself useful. There are many hard workers out there ready to take your place, how are you going to distinguish yourself from them?
Yes! Yes! Yes! Confidence should be the result of ability, ability is the result of hard work. These are the values we need to be teaching young people.
I truly appreciated her essay and it gave me a lot to think about. I went in with doubt because yeah, “entitlement” has such a negative connotation. But I think that she succeeds in trying to point us back to the original, simpler sense of it- simply that “yeah, I deserve this.” She succeeds at this by THEN saying that feeling of deserving something comes from *accomplishment*, which comes from working at something. She clearly makes this distinction. I feel like saying this is “bullshit” or decrying her approach to “workaholics”- another term with negative connotations it seems people are getting stuck on here- is sort of missing the point, and the whole article should perhaps be re-read with more attention to nuance and an open mind. Seriously, I feel like her words have helped me. It’s a new approach and one that I feel will work- instead of “working on my confidence” ie working on trying to stand up straight or not demean myself over my pot belly or stuff like that, it’ll be a hell of a lot more useful to focus on the things that will give me a real sense of self-worth, ie, actual accomplishments outside of myself that come from focused effort and that mean something to me. It just feels right and I dig she put those ideas out there.
Also, I don’t know her work really but I like how goofy and funny her writing is.
Yeah if you read the piece and not get hung up on the words and how we perceive them the advice incredibly sound.
We focus way to much on how we project confidence that we don’t actually focus on developing it and what we do that we should be confident it. Love what you said.
🙂
True dat!
I do appreciate her work ethic but sorry, I can’t listen to a girl from Buckingham, Brown & Nichols embrace and defend entitlement.
This makes me want to read the rest of the book!
I might disagree about one or two things, but she really gives an amazing interveiw. I also think that she doesn’t actually promote the entitlement we are used to, perhaps she’s mistaking the meaning. I honestly believe she’s saying that every person deserves to have a good place in life, no matter how we look like, or where we came from.
Also, I like her calling out the workaholic trope in movies, it’s cheesy and exhausting; and her remark about reading between the lines of the confidence question.
I like her overall tone, but she’s wrong about confidence/entitlement. If you have the confidence to climb a mountain, must you feel entitled to its summit? No.
No. She answering question re how to feel confident. Her answer is to realize that confidence is merely feeling that you deserve success or, in other words, are entitled to it ( here, to reaching the summit). And then you make sure that you do actually deserve it, by working your a** off. So, I’m no expert mountain climber, but if you framed it as how do you feel confident about your quest to summit X mountain. She would say, you work your a** off by doing all of the conditioning work and training, practice climbs etc. Then you show up the morning of your trip feeling entitled to success aka confident. T
This doesn’t mean you will definitely be successful- she’s not selling The Secret here. but the question was “how do you have confidence?” not “how do you achieve success?”
dictionary.com defines entitled (redirect to entitle) as ” to give a person or thing a title, right, or claim to something; furnish with grounds for laying a claim.” The connotation in our culture is different and often negative, but she’s not wrong about the definition.
As is probably clear, I completely agree with her. I think it’s a great way to think about confidence and I’m glad she’s talking about it.
Thank you. People wanna crap all over her without actually reading the source, it’s aggravating.
I’m going to get yelled at but here goes…
This woman is in the closet. As a bigot.
Okay I have no proof but it is a feeling I can’t shake. The fact that she refuses to make every conversation center on her race and gender and her rebranding of entitlement as the natural reward of hard work sound excellent right? Progressive, post-racial, self aware and role model-y, right? Not for me. Pair that with the racist shenanigans of her brother and her lady doth protest too much stance and I feel like there’s a missing link. Sure she publicly pooh-poohed what her brother did but I felt like it was a “my brother is, like, so annoying, you guys. Oh and racist. And not like me at all” reaction. They were raised under the same roof.
I think all this entitlement blather conveniently overlooks the fact that for many poc being hardworking, proactive and ambitious is never going to get them a seat at the table. I think she should admit that her success is based on all of the aforementioned positive qualities plus good timing plus the patriarchal greenlight. It would kill her to admit this because her ego can’t process this fact. But her self congratulatory victory lap must really sting for those who are just as ‘entitled’ but can’t get an invitation to the dance.
I know my evidence sucks but it’s something I can’t put my finger on. Also I can admit that I knew a girl in college who reminds me of Mindy. She couldn’t see she was a token, imo. She ticked all the boxes – beautiful, brainy, well-off and outgoing but she was also a non black poc. Her parents were self made millionaires who were determined to whitewash her so she could live the American dream and she used to excuse their racism as ignorance.
She was accepted (on the surface) partly because she was ethnic enough to be interesting but not African American so therefore not as threatening. She refused to see that was the primary difference between herself and other marginalized people who were far more amazing, imo, than she. She really, really needed to believe she earned her inner circle status and the other gorgeous, accomplished, whip-smart, engaging poc simply hadn’t worked the room properly.
Sigh.
I’m willing to be called out for this as I know I could be wrong, but…
I don’t know. I’ve read her first book and she talks about her childhood some but I don’t recall anything that would shed light on her racial views. She doesn’t discuss her brother or parents too much. And she doesn’t write off her privilege. Mostly I just wanted to say that I don’t think her brother’s idiocy reflects on her. I have a brother. He has all kinds of ideas and views that I disagree with.
Honestly? I think you’re projecting, and I don’t think it’s fair to expect her to speak for all persons of color. She never attempts to, from what I’ve seen. I have heard her discuss her difficulty getting roles because of her looks- weight and skin color- in a lot of interviews. I think in the context of Inside Out, she discussed being happily surprised that they came to her because usually she has to create roles for herself bc she doesn’t meet Hollywood’s casting standards. She created the role of Kelly on The Office- one of the first (if not the very first) indian characters in an American sitcom. She also wrote a Diwali episode of the show, so its not like she whitewashed that character either.
I agree with KK2 that you are projecting. Because she prefers to be seen as a talented individual rather than always talking about her race or weight you call her a bigot???? And calling her brother’s actions (which she has no control over) “racist” is why the term “racist” has lost any of it’s power. She is a talented, successful, and smart brown woman. Do other brown women want to knock her down a few pegs for daring to succeed through hard work?
Yes! 100% agree! Finally someone else who sees it too.
This isn’t Mindy’s guide to success. This is Mindy’s guide to confidence (because getting confidence is sort of hard for some of us) and I know it’s been my personal journey. Believing I’m entitled to something doesn’t mean I’ll get it. I do have to put in the hard work, which I have been for years, but I still have to believe that I deserve this job or this spot. If I don’t believe, why in the world would I expect the people hiring me to? I think she put this guide honestly.
She still talks about how she makes mistakes and does stupid things, she just doesn’t hate herself for it. She doesn’t let it deter her from what she wants and doesn’t let those past mistakes define her, which is my favorite part. Mistakes are a part of the journey so you shouldn’t loathe yourself over making a few. Either way it’s a good way to develop one of the many tools you need to get through life. It’s not the end all be all, but it definitely speaks to some of us (and yes I wasn’t privileged like Mindy in any way growing up, I still find it necessary).
You guys, she’s just changing the meaning of entitled. She thinks that you should feel deserving of success ONLY after you put in the hard work for it. In the full essay, she talked about how she wasn’t confident the first year she worked on the Office because she didn’t deserve it yet. She gained that confidence by working hard and becoming a good writer.
She’s mind f**king is what she’s doing. She does this a lot now that I think about it.
I don’t know that I’d be taking confidence advice from someone who wrote a book entitled “Is everyone hanging out without me?” It’s like she’s delivering one message out loud but another subliminally simultaneously. And it makes me think she’s trying hard to feel worth her success but not sure why she’s successful.
But then I also don’t like how she publicly spoke regarding her brother. That was a terrible thing to do to family, no matter what the situation is or may be. Either no comment or “I’m not speaking about my family in public. Thank you.”
Sorry, is she allowed to say that because she is a WoC? If Emma Watson or Taylor or any white person from a stable family with no tortured childhood said that, they’d be crucified.
On the positive side, I feel like we are too politically correct these days and at least someone is still in a position to discuss controversial topics. If we don’t discuss them and keep hiding behind the politically correct blinds, the issues don’t go away, we just pretend that they do.
Honestly if Emma or Taylor were able to construct a paragraph as eloquently and hilariously as Mindy I’d say their advice would be solid too. But they can’t. They can only focus on the sexism in the fashion industry and their only about me feminism respectively. And those women are elevated for even the slightest nod to feminism. They are crucified for sure, but that’s not so much unique to just them especially as women.
They also aren’t noted for their confidence in the way Mindy is. It’s one of her defining characteristics. Mindy’s got problems no doubt, but in this arena I feel like she can speak to it. I’ve always wondered how she’s so confident. Not for who she is, but I was very much like the young girl in the essay. How can people even be confident? I don’t think people realize how important it is to teach girls HOW to be confident. We keep telling them to be, but we leave them high and dry on the how. Faking it only works for a while. If it’s not actually there, it’s not gonna happen.
Her approach is similar to another essay I liked by a scientist. She’s basically saying she worked hard as well and the evidence of her hard work was there. At a certain point you realize you’ve accomplished a lot and you don’t worry about that stupid stuff anymore. Read her’s http://variablestargirl.com/2015/06/21/one-scientists-approach-to-the-imposter-syndrome/
It’s brilliant and it tackles what so many of us in STEM and in academia face. Sorry I find it relevant.
I have science background and I relate to what the scientist said, I still disagree with Mindy.
Confidence comes from the sense of self- worth, from knowing that as a person you have value. Yes, that often comes from hard earned accomplishments, from ability to make a difference in life.
I still don’t see how it relates to the sense of entitlement to anything or how sense of entitlement follows from accomplishments.
I get what she’s saying. I guess I’m a horrible person. Some people need to develop that sense of “entitlement.” It’s not the same thing as self love, but they are a bit related no? Okay so confidence comes from a sense of self-worth, but how do you develop it? That’s what Mindy is trying to get at. People want to constantly say “Be more confident!” as if it solves problems. No one teaches you how. Hers isn’t failproof nor is it the answer to everything. It’s different in how it approaches the subject though. I think it’s more honest.
And how does a sense of entitlement not follow from your accomplishments? Many of the scientists I know use their past successful scientific endeavors to show why they are worthy of getting funding from a grant. Which you have to feel like you deserve (are entitled to it) to get in order to apply no? Does entitlement mean you don’t succeed? Or that you should throw a tantrum if you don’t get something? Or that you should use it to hide your insecurities? No. I feel like people are really projecting that idea onto Mindy. Mindy is clearing a show don’t tell type of person. I think she’s simply saying “Don’t apologize for feeling ambitious and being ambitious.”
Either way. I feel like people are focusing on this aspect of the essay and not really reading the rest of it. It’s good. Mindy doesn’t believe she’s the greatest thing since sliced bread.
Just something that came up when discussing this at lunch…
Entitlement can come from insecurity too. More than people may be aware of. To display confidence you act like you’re entitled. And may actually feel entitled. That your position grants you this because if it came down to hard work and results without family name, connections, or funds to help you out many would not holdthe spots they do today.
I’m actually disgusted that she believes you cannot have self confidence if you don’t work. Like work for a fast food company, OR on our own tv shows? I’d love that job! I’m sure I’d work hard at it too.
Regardless, I try to teach my daughter to have self confidence because being a good, decent, kind, generous and thoughtful person is valuable. Working is great and I hope my daughter finds a career she loves and rocks it! BUT.. She (and all of us) shouldn’t base our self confidence/worth on our jobs. I think that was a shitty fucking thing of Mindy to say.
I always feel as though Mindy is slightly or secretly trying to push stuff down our throats. SHE deserves self confidence because SHE works! She is a workaholic, but there is no such thing as a successful person who isn’t!
Sorry this is long BUT we can have it both ways (being successful but not over-working) if we stop using a limited definition of success. It doesn’t always mean clinic the corporate ladder. Children shouldn’t believe that working 50+ hours per week is true only way to be successful.
Did you read the entire piece she wrote? Because she didn’t pick a job, and she wasn’t even talking about a job. She is saying anything you care about you have to put in the effort and hard work. So if it’s volunteering for habitat for humanity or dancing or writing a tv show to gain confidence you have to put in effort. It was the entire point of her little league basketball camp story. That if you just show up and get told your great you won’t feel it but if you work at it you’ll earn it and feel it and then the confidence comes.
I highly recommend reading it before attacking because it is sastainable advice not just the bs believe in yourself girls rock deodorant commercials. It’s yeah you do rock and you’ll believe it when you put the effort into it and see the results instead of platitudes.
Oh and there is nothing wrong with working at a fast food place and working hard at it. No reason to disparage it.
First of all, I didn’t disparage working at a fast food restaurant. I was referring to how effortlessly Mindy seems to be a “workaholic” and how quick she is to tell others to “work hard.” I think it’s easy to work passionately and diligently nonstop if it’s something you love (your own $$$ tv show.) certainly it’s much more difficult if you’re flipping burgers for $9/hr.
I fundamentally disagree with her (and I guess you) that confidence needs to come from hard work. Some people are not hard workers and that is ok. Some people do enough to put food on the table and they, of course should value themselves and society should value them as well. Not everyone is a workaholic. Maybe they do not have access to the education that would open doors to their dream job. Maybe they value creative pursuits or hobbies or free time? Not my place to judge that. Should those people have self-confidence? Sure. Why not? Because they don’t love to work? My self worth comes from within myself. How I treat others when no one is watching, giving to the needy, offering support to those who need it. That being said, I am a hard worker. But I don’t believe that is the only reason I should have confidence.
You keep making it about a job that earns money she isn’t talking about that. She is saying anything you care about. So if you love to dance that doesn’t mean it’s your career but something your passionate about work hard at it and you will gain confidence. You gain condfidence from true accomplishment not fake praise.
You keep seeing the word work and think oh no bad thing but it’s not just working at a JOB it’s working at anything including those hobbies you mentioned.
And sorry I have never met anyone who has gone through life doing the bare minimum that is a content happy or confident person. The people I’ve met that give 110% to everything they do (regardless of what it is) are the ones I see who are fulfilled and confident in life.
Confidence & entitlement are very different in normal context. Mindy spins her own definition of “entitlement.” It certainly took confidence to wear that midriff-baring outfit, though.