A week ago, Stephen Colbert did a bit on The Late Show about celebrity lifestyle sites/brands. Colbert ended up spoofing the trend and announcing that he would be starting his own Colbert lifestyle brand – go here to see the bit. It was funny and pointed and he actually didn’t go after Gwyneth Paltrow, Reese Witherspoon and Blake Lively too hard. While Blake and Reese have been quiet about the spoof, Gwyneth Paltrow and her Goop team decided to respond and… it was actually really funny? Wait, what? That can’t be right. Like, the Goop team just spoofed themselves harder than Colbert even dared to. You can read the full Goop “How to launch a men’s lifestyle site” piece here (I’m making some edits for space). The Goop Team starts out by welcoming Colbert and Snoop Lion to the lifestyle trend, writing: “It’s about time someone brought a sausage or two to this clam bake.” Then they list six ways to launch your lifestyle brand:

1. All eyes are on you now, so pull it together at all costs.
It’s said that we here at goop subsist solely on seaweed, air, and Tracy Anderson DVDs, but when all else fails, we have some tricks up our sleeves. After all, hipsters—and the dad bods that dress like them—know there’s only one bulge that belongs under your skinny suit. We hear that aerial yoga is really good for those moobs and not-so-manly muffin tops, but failing that, there’s always Spanx for Men. Perhaps a waist trainer for guys should be the first offering from your own-label product line.

2. Find legitimacy by latching onto obscure trends.
Our bet is that men with perfectly curated lifestyles will soon be swapping their kombucha for the next artisan wellness mocktail—Up Mountain Switchel: An American Heritage Beverage. This historic recipe has been passed down through generations of Vermont farmers, only to be resurrected in the alleys of Bushwick by two brothers who hand-craft every batch from meticulously sourced ginger, organic apple cider vinegar (raw, of course), and the highest-grade maple syrup. So high in grade, in fact, Snoop can probably smoke it. Trend-spotting makes you look like you actually leave your little celebrity bubble, and more importantly, you get to take all the credit when these little companies make it big.

3. Get good at telling people what to do.
Our how-to, evergreen beauty content is SEO gold—and you can link-bait the sh-t out of it. Take, for example, achieving the perfectly imperfect man bun—subject line: The Panty Dropper of Hairstyles—which you can easily stretch into a six-part slideshow (six times the pageviews!), complete with product integration. Goop tip: We style ours with Psssssst Dry Shampoo and Abilene oil from sharks.

4. If something is expensive, front like you own it.
You need to get out there and quickly establish that you don’t use run-of-the-mill appliances—at least in public. For example, our readers think the best green juice comes from gold-plated juicers; likewise, you want your readers to believe you actually have the one ring to rule them all. Not the one from Etsy. The one from Middle Earth.

5. As content kings, set up your kingdom in the kitchen.
Every lifestyle brand worth its salt has a food section, so you’ll need to set up a state-of-the-art test kitchen right away. Goop readers go particularly crazy for our yearly detox recipes, but with the modern-day male audience in mind, we recommend a Paleo approach. Stephen, why not try to shark some of Snoop Dogg’s readers? After all, the media world will be eagerly awaiting a cat fight from you two lifestyle doyennes!

6. Embrace your babymaker.
Everyone goes WILD for content about genitals, so we suggest you get ahead of the curve and write about a growing craze among men, anal bleaching. Colbert, we think this is one that will really hit home for you, both personally and professionally. We test all of our recommendations ourselves before we publish, and any content site worth its weight must do the same. Head to Face to Face, the men’s day spa in NYC and sign yourself up for the “New Ringtone.” Gentle fruit acids will be applied to your balloon tie to lighten you up! You just might cause a sensation in the media and you certainly will cause one in your pants.

Come visit soon: A-Steams on us!

love,
all your new friends at goop

[From Goop]

This is genuinely funny, right? I’m not hallucinating? So, at least Gwyneth and her team have some self-awareness about what they’re doing. Do you think Team Goop had to convince Gwyneth of this? Or was she right there, making jokes about shark oil and moobs?

Photos courtesy of WENN.