I often forget this, but Thursdays are great days. Not just because they’re nestled next to Fridays (though that doesn’t hurt), but because they have a special joy all their own. Why? Gwyneth Paltrow sends out her weekly GOOP newsletter. Which means I get a whole new batch of critical fodder, delivered right to my inbox.

This week, The Goop is promoting her spring fashion picks. Now, never would we suggest that Gwynnie is anything other than utterly practical. Wait. Never would she suggest that she’s anything other than practical. Here’s Gwyneth’s rundown of her spring wardrobe strategy.

I am going back to my day job this spring (filming a movie) and I am confronted with a few wardrobe issues. First of all, I never know what to wear in Los Angeles (are those pajamas??) and inexplicably, I am always freezing here. Having had a good look through the spring collections, I don’t think it’s necessary to make any sweeping changes. They are still selling gladiators that are almost identical to the ones I got last spring and there hasn’t been any major shift in silhouettes. I am going to stick with the classics and update a few simple pieces that are easy to wear. In keeping with the idea (as my mom says) of shopping in your closet, I recently did a good look-through and found some things that I will now call “vintage” as well as doing a big cathartic spring cleanout.

[From GOOP.com]

I will give Gwyneth credit for showing a few cheaper alternatives to her expensive picks. What I can’t give her much credit for are her fashion choices. Part of this isn’t her fault: it seems like most of the trendy styles over the last two years have been fairly unflattering in terms of their shapes. Chunky ankle boots, boxy, too loose dresses, tight cigarette jeans… unless you have a very skinny frame, these choices are rarely the most flattering way to go. Nonetheless, Gwyneth’s managed to pick out a few especially fug pieces.

The trench coat never goes out of style. Whether you invest in a Burberry or pick up this Topshop version, it’s a staple that will always remain in your closet. Wearing the trench with distressed jeans and black flats is perfect for the morning school run. You can also throw it over a dress for a slightly more dressed-up occasion.

[From GOOP.com]

Really my only complaint with this outfit is the boots. Gwyneth’s gone crazy for ankle boots and odd footwear in the last year, and I’m not a fan – on her or anyone else.

The classic French t-shirt always looks right in spring year after year. This one by St. James is as authentic as it comes.

Note: preppy rules, just don’t do it from head to toe.

[From GOOP.com]

I’m going to have to strongly disagree with The Goop on this one. Those jeans look ridiculous with that top. I agree you don’t want to overdo it on the prep, but you don’t need to look like a swashbuckling sailor took a sword to your pants.

Both of these looks are by Isabel Marant, a young, chic designer in Paris. These dresses are easy to wear as they have their own thing going on and don’t need any accessorizing or further thought. Many brands have the same idea at the moment, see below for the Topshop version.

[From GOOP.com]

The ethnic print Isabel Marant dress is the second most unflattering thing Gwyneth chose. It has no shape whatsoever. I realize it’s stylish, but to me it screams fashion victim – especially with those boots. I do like the white dress – it has a little more shape and is flattering. Though I’m never going to agree to those boots unless you’re riding an alpaca in Peru. Or wherever alpacas hang out.

If you do want to shop and you are looking for an on-trend item, the jumpsuit is making a comeback in a big way. This one is more evening but Zoe Tees make amazing, comfortable ones that work well with any shape.

[From GOOP.com]

I don’t really feel I need to give an explanation for what’s wrong with this. It’s a jumpsuit. Gwyneth implies there’s such a thing as an “evening” jumpsuit. Because I’m definitely going to be wearing that to the ball.

While I enjoy the vaguely stuck-up expressions Gwyneth’s working, I think I’d leave nearly all of her fashion picks. If for no other reason than that they come from Gwyneth Paltrow. I feel sort of sorry for the designers she’s promoting – I’m sure they think it’s a good thing, but there are so many people that are turned off by Goop that she’s probably doing more harm than good.

As an aside, does anyone else have the insatiable urge to cut these out and make Gwyneth paper dolls? I’m alone here, I know it.