I’m almost positive that Cate Blanchett is going to walk away with yet another Oscar nomination this year, this time for Carol. People are still debating whether Rooney Mara will be included in Supporting or Lead Actress categories, but there’s no debate about Cate – she’s totally a sure thing for a nomination. Probably not the actual Oscar this year, but it will be fun seeing her awards show fashion. Cate covers the new issue of Harper’s Bazaar UK to talk about Carol, Truth and other projects, but mostly she talks about adopting her baby girl, Edith. Cate and her husband Andrew Upton adopted Edith from America, because apparently Australia’s adoption laws are kind of terrible. Some highlights:
Becoming a mom again with Edith: “It’s always the first time. Always. I’m not planning on working much in 2016 either. Our three biological children have been extraordinary. It’s been wonderful watching them become a little brood.”
She & Andrew have wanted to adopt for years: “We got a phone call earlier this year and we adopted a little girl. You’re on the list and then you get the call. You don’t know anything about the child you’re going to meet.”
Why she found Australian adoption laws difficult: “The laws have to shift towards the best interests of the children. Otherwise what happens is these children end up being shunted back and forth through the foster system, and ultimately if that goes on until the child is five or seven, then the damage is just… In Australia, it’s an understandable hangover from the Stolen Generations. When a country has a history of children being immorally and insensitively ripped from their parents and their place of origin and it doesn’t get resolved, the adoption laws swing, understandably, not in favour of the child.”
More orphans to come: “We’re going to see a new wave of orphans coming out of the Syrian crisis and Europe, and the rest of the world is going to have to respond. It’s a world issue.”
If you’d like to read more about the Stolen Generations, go here. A few weeks ago, I read an interview with Zahn McClarnon – who brilliantly played Hanzee in Fargo – talking about playing a Native American character who ended up living with a white family for much of his childhood. The way McClarnon talked about it, it made me realize that Native American children were still being shunted off to white families as late as the 1960s in America. And yet we still manage to have a more lax adoption framework than Australia, I guess.
Photos courtesy of Norman Jean Roy/Harper’s Bazaar UK.
I am curious to know how long she and her husband were on the list…She adopted a healthy white babygirl, the most wanted babies in America apparently (?).
I want to know how an Australian couple could adopt an American baby so fast.
Also, if someone knows generally, how long do you have to wait to adopt a healthy white baby (girl)? I heard some have to wait 10+ years?
I was wondering about that as well. What did she do to move up on that list?
I see a lot of similarities to Kate Blanchet in Claire Danes.
I don’t think her adopted daughter is white.
Maybe it’s just people who specify a racial preference who have to wait ten years for adoptions. The people who don’t get them fast. Ask Sandra Bullock.
It is also widely reported that plenty of American children are available for international adoption. Many happen to be black, and apparently domestic demand is still racist. So maybe slow your white babygirl inquisition roll.
Lol slow your white baby acquisition roll is the best thing I’ve read all day.
I saw the pics on DM and the baby is clearly white…looked to have blond hair and light eyes.
http://www.x17online.com/media/images//2015/12/cate-daughter-122815.jpg
http://howomen.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/10/2-Cate-Blanchett-has-shown-her-adoptive-daughter-for-the-first-time.jpg
http://i.newsrt.co.uk/upload/news/large/15/40/2cf53a5400000578_3255820_image_m_6_1443680775612.jpg
Our agency begged us to go active – out of 90 families they represented, we were the ONLY family open to any race. The rest were waiting for White babies…
People do not get non-white newborns fast. Sandra Bullock got a child through the foster system, which is not quick and easy. She also got a child already suffering issues from fostering. Her case is in no way comparable.
Not only is the baby white, she’s also blonde and blue-eyed, to boot.
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-3255820/Cate-Blanchett-s-adorable-daughter-Edith-reveals-head-hair-actress-carries-Sydney-s-airport-way-US.html
Well, I imagine it all varies widely state-to-state.
I do know that sitting around waiting for a baby that matches your skin tone is moronic, and you’ve earned that ten-year waiting period!
Signed,
Daughter of a white lady who adopted two healthy black babygirls in less than two years each, including homestudies
She is white. There are pics of Edith from the Daily Mail.
@ Gigi
Sad but true. There’s a heartbreaking but honest joke about how you have to wait years for a white baby, months for a black baby, but you can barely make it out the door without someone desperately trying to give you a Mexican/Asian/Indian baby.
“White baby girl inquisition roll”
Sounds like either the worst or best game by Milton Bradley.
Sandra Bullock got her second child from foster care. Her first was an infant. And black.
Her adopted daughter is white.
So let me be sure I understand: It is racist to adopt a white baby if you’re white, because so many babies of other races need homes. But it is racist to adopt a baby of another race, because white people, being the singular source of evil on the planet, will of course FORCE the baby to live as a “white person” (not my words, I have no freaking idea what that nonsense is supposed to mean, and I don’t think progressives do either) and destroy their connections to their native culture. (Because “American” isn’t a culture, after all, and it’s racist to think so.)
Is that about the size of it?
@NN I think someone owes you an apology.
.
Anonymous, I think you are way over line and reading in things into my comment that are not there.
I simply was curious because all I have ever heard about adoption is how hard it is to adopt a white baby and how long the wait is so I was surprised that’s all.
V4Real, no need for an apology, it is really not that serious! : )
Anonymous
Rather than pout over some feigned insult about someone white adopting look into the historical events people are referring to.
You might as well try to compare slavery to employment by suggesting the suggesting historical tragedies like Stolen Generation are equivalent to a well-meaning white couple adopting a minority child.
Have you guys seen some of the comments about Charlize Theron and Sandra Bullock, both of whom have adopted black children? A lot of people argue that it means that they’re definitely racist, because they’ve heard of white families adopting black children in order to try to teach them the “right/white” way of life. Now, NN is absolutely not making that argument. But I have a hunch that’s the context of Anonymous’ comment.
As for the rest… every child deserves a home and every child deserves to be loved. More power to any of these families that have opened their hearts and their homes. That’s all I got.
@anonymous,
No. It’s stupid to wait around ten years for a child that looks like you. Do you want a child? Or do you want to manifest your ego?
It is racist when the volume of demand in your country skews enormously by baby race.
It is not racist when you want to adopt a child, so you adopt a child.
It is problematic when a (white) American aims to adopt a Native American child because the federal government emoloyed a longtime and very successful policy of adopting NA children out to white Americans for the explicit purpose of severing their cultural ties.
Hope that clears up any confusion.
haha, sorry, can’t follow this thread very well on my phone.
@nn, I saw some pics of her with the baby when it was a newborn (is the DM obsessive or what?) and didn’t remember her being white. But you’re right: that baby is clearly the whitest of white babygirls.
I need to apologize for slow your roll? Come on! That’s funny. And you really should be sensitive about asking “how long does it take to white babygirl” questions. We don’t know if she was healthy at birth; maybe Cate did jump the line. Either way, it’s total garbage that such a line exists for white babygirls when nothing close to it exists for healthy non-white babygirls. I don’t want to play into that by oohing and aahing over this one, or asking questions that make me look like I’m part of that demand. I hate that race (or gender, for that matter) is even a box you can check when you apply for adoption, but that’s reality.
Or call me sensitive–I’m fine with that.
Greenperson, read up next time as she’s clearly white and blonde.
You raise some interesting questions. I usually like Cate, but she irritates me here. Pontificating on how the world will need to step up for the Syrian refugee orphans, yet she turned her nose up at the 5-7 year old Australian children she could have adopted, and sought a perfect white baby in the U.S.
Good point!
I do want to mention to the many above posters that just because the child has light skin, blue eyes, and is blonde, it doesn’t necessarily mean that she’s 100% Caucasian. We are part Muscogee (Creek Indian) on my mother’s side, and German/English on my father’s side, and we look quite different from one another.
My sister has strawberry blonde hair with ghost-white skin and green eyes, my brother has deep blue eyes, reddish-brown skin, and medium brown hair, and I have olive skin, blue eyes, and dark brown hair. My mother had black hair and grey eyes with medium toned skin, and her father had red hair, green eyes, and olive skin.
My father went to college with someone who later became the chief of his tribe, and the guy was ghost-white with red hair. So there are all kinds of appearances to be had via genetics. lol
Totally agree, this is Cate’s “I’ve got three boys and now I want a girl” purchase. And it is a purchase, foreign adoptions cost a bomb. Even here in Australia a domestic adoption is between 10-20 grand. I might have adopted a child had I had more confidence in the system here as we only have one bio child. Cate does not mention also the forced adoptions that were for all single mothers right up until the mid 1970’s in Australia,there was an exhibition I attended at the National Archives about it and my two white adopted cousins come from that generation of forced adoptees.
As an Australian I can assure you Cate would not have been able to adopt an Australian 5 to 7 year old. It’s practically impossible to adopt an Australian child of any age. The refusal to take children from their abusive parents, high rate of abortions and government desire to allow nothing but fostering has seen to that for thousands of Australian wannabe parents.
Mm. Foreign adoptions aren’t necessarily expensive. Depends on the adoptive country. Having not adopted a child out of the US, I wouldn’t know how much the going rate is.
But I think we can agree that this child is unlikely to have any Native American ties–not due to appearance but due to the unlikelihood of a NA child being adopted out.
Before I retired, I used to work in foster care and adoption for over 3 decades. The wait for a healthy white infant often took years. However, it was a fact the agencies never talked about that celebrities who wanted to adopt were often given priority in the home study and then pushed to the top of the wait list when the home study was complete. It wasn’t fair to the other families on the wait list, but it did happen.
Grossly unfair. And how is an Australian couple fast-tracked over all the American couples who’ve waited for years? Ugh.
In private adoptions in America, the birthmothers have the option to choose the adoptive parents. This is how it’s done, mostly. The birthmothers/birthparents look at the profiles of the potential adoptive parents, sometimes meet with them, and then choose.
In some cases, the birth parents don’t want to choose, but can have input, or some don’t want to choose at all, so the agency chooses for them. Generally the agency chooses the couple who has been waiting the longest.
Thanks for answering my questions ! Don’t know much about how adoption works but it’s interesting
I was wondering if maybe it was a private adoption, which explains the less than normal wait time.
Whatever the situation, I’m happy for them and the baby. They seem like a solid and fairly private family.
My doctor (female) ended up adopting two little girls (both white) after being on the waitlist for about a year for the first baby and 9 months for the second – so quick adoptions happen. We are in the NY area and both babies were adoptions from the South.
did your doctor specify a race preference though? Or was it just happenstance?
Just curious.
It really just depends. We have friends that adopted a baby, and they got the call almost immediately, while some families waited longer. There are just several factors at play. International adoptions are an option, but they’re wildly expensive – usually at least $25-$35K, with a lot of hoops to jump through even in countries with the most flexible adoption procedures.
Here in the UK many of the local authorities who handle adoptions won’t allow parents to adopt a child of a different race or religion. They think it’s not culturally appropriate for the child or something. It means there are lots of black and mixed kids in foster care, even though there are white couples who would happily adopt them.
@GiGi It’s very sad.
She is actually an American citizen. Her father was american so she holds both Australian and American nationalities. And she has said she has been wanting to adopt since 2001 so I don’t really see any problem with it.
Um, I have adopted 2 children, both blonde/blue, one boy and one girl (we were open to race, don’t get a choice about gender, so these children just happened). I waited 9 months for one and 2 years for the other. And we could have adopted sooner both, but there were issues (birth parent changed their mind, circumstances changed). We are not celebrities or wealthy. Everything was completely legit and we maintain contact with both birth families. Adoption does not take 10 years, even for a white baby.
I feel like you all are supporting my hypothesis that adoptions happen faster for people who don’t specify a racial preference!
Would-be adoptive parents, maybe take note.
We were open to race, but not AA. Plenty of other races to go around, but mostly presented with Caucasian, then Hispanic babies. In my experience, the biggest factor is what else are you open to? If you want a baby, any baby, with full prenatal care and no exposure to smoking, drugs or alcohol and a perfect genetic background…you will wait. The more open you are to considering things (and considering doesn’t mean that you have to go through with things), the better your odds. But every parent has the right to choose their own comfort level, whether it is based on race, health, whatever. Still, it won’t take 10 years.
To clarify what do you mean by not AA?
She means she was open to any race except African American…
In Canada, we have done the same thing to Aboriginals. We adopted out some and farmed the rest into religious residential schools, where they had to stop speaking their own language and adopt “our” ways. They lost their families and culture in one fell swoop. She’s absolutely right that we are trying to right wrongs – but the kids still pay the price, sadly.
The Stolen Generations is a horrible scar on our history, and one which continues to haunt us. There are still people who totally reject that part of our history. It’s an appalling situation that activists continually attempt to educate our citizens about, in an effort to build understanding, bridges and acceptance.
It’s worth remembering, regarding any type of adoption here, that we have a very small population compared to the US, so the pool of (particularly young) children available for adoption is tiny. Most women keep their babies, as we provide safety nets in the form of Single Parent Benefits, Tax Benefit, subsided child care, decent free health care, subsidised prescription pharmaceuticals etc. I’m also interested to know the waiting times in the US for adoption, particularly of healthy, white, female babies. As a teacher, I’ve known many couples who have fostered a child/children for many years. Even for these families, adoption can take 10 years or more. If the child is disabled, it appears to be easier, but not by much.
I agree with CB about the looming global crisis of refugee children needing loving, stable homes. For health reasons, I am not physically able to take on the responsibility of fostering, no matter how much I’d love to. I have, however, written to my local member and the relevant authority coordinating the settlement of 12 000 Syrian refugees that Australia has agreed to resettle. I’ve offered to have a family share our large, comfortable and safe home, as there is only my daughter at home with me now. I still haven’t had a response…
All i have to say, is that you are an amazing woman
Thank you, Mrs Bump (love your name!) but… Nah, not at all amazing. Just a humble, caring human being, as I suspect most people on here are. I just happen to have a useful resource, which many people don’t have, that can be put to good use.
SydneySnider, there was a program a couple of years ago – instigated by the Greens – to have refugee families billeted with Australians. It was stopped because of lack of interest from host households. I’m wondering how you found the experience.
Do you know what’s more horrible than The Stolen Generation? The amount of children allowed to live with drug addicts, abusers, and pedophiles because the Australian government is too scared to step in. I’ve seen the Australian DOCS in action too many times where full time working mothers fear losing custody of their children and druggos and deros have nothing to fear. That system is so screwed up.
It is terrible what American Indian and First Nations child were put through. Actor Eric Schweig was adopted by a white family who were very abusive to him. He tells horror stories sbout his experience.
^^omg, I love that actor and that movie (LOTM). Didn’t know this about him but not all that surprised.
The stories I’ve read about Australia’s newest generation of Stolen Children have been amazing. It is absolutely shocking how the sins and horrors of the past dig their roots in and snake their way deep poisoning generations to come. Kids seeing cycles of abuse and neglect that they can trace back repetitively through their family.
It happens so often and sadly she is right with what we will see regarding children from Syria. At some point we as a world will have to decide whether we wish to close off our borders, plug our ears, and pretend it’s all well or whether we want to solve some of these problems before they start.
Knowing the discrimination faced by children who have grown up in this country simply because of their name or skin tone I can only imagine what will happen with newly immigrated, emotionally scarred children.
Solving those problems before they start requires not engaging in active war mongering and profiteering so…keep those ear plugs ready. 😉
Basically, lol, at this point I might start building a fall out shelter 😩
Native children didnt just get put with white families, they weren’t allowed to keep their garbs, hairstyles or speak amongst themselves in the languages they knew lest they be severely beaten, it’s been nothing but a disgrace the way Native Americans have been done
I saw a Native Alaskan baby available up on FB Recently. Caption read: couple backed out at last minute, too busy. Oh and mother didn’t drink during pregnancy. I. Was. Astounded. Like it was a f-cking puppy.
I have to get off the internet now before I blow a fuse.
Whoah that is…
That actually made me shudder. Wow…
Sadly it is common for problematic adopted children to be “rehomed”. Many suffer from a form a Attachment Disorder or other behavioral problems due to either alcohol and drug use during pregnancy or abuse or neglect early on. When they get to be too challenging and don’t fit into the adoptive parents’ vision of a perfect family there aren’t a lot of resources (aside from expensive behavioral therapy and a lot of love and patience that will go unreciprocated for a long time, possibly forever) so overwhelmed parents turn to the Internet. Some have legitimate fears for the safety of other kids in their home and do really try. There just isn’t enough education pre-adoption about the possible challenges, support and resources if these problems arise, or oversight once the children are officially adopted.
Parents sign over power of attorney and give their children to strangers they met online. In most states there are no laws against it and in the few states that do have laws it is a rarely enforced misdemeanor. There is no obligation to report the change in custody to anyone. Kids have been handed over to people on the sex offender registry by their overwhelmed adoptive parents who are happy anyone will take in their child and so they don’t do a whole lot of research. The Quiverfull Christians also use this loophole to add kids to their “Quiver” because they believe:
“With each child born into our families we have an incredible opportunity to present the gospel to them and disciple them thoroughly over a period of perhaps 20 years. The more children we are able to have and raise for the Lord, the greater our long-term impact on our culture. In a period when the general population is barely producing enough children to replace themselves, the potential impact of a high birth strategy is greatly amplified.”
See more at: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/lovejoyfeminism/2012/01/quiverfull-outbreeding-the-world.html#sthash.PBSa3fok.dpuf
This has lead to them bribing, defrauding, and exploiting government officials and birth families in places like Liberia where they can adopt with almost no waiting period or background checks. Getting unwanted children off the Internet is even easier and cheaper. They use a book “Training Up A Child” by Michael Pearl to”break the will of the child” so that they will unquestionably submit to their parents. It is heartbreaking and advocates the use of corporal punishment on infants for blanket training. They are physically punished if they leave the blanket their parents put them on and eventually they will stop trying to explore their environment and stay on the blanket because they associate leaving with pain. It only gets worse from there. Kids have died from punishments Pearl has recommended. It leads to children whose behavior problems stem from extreme neglect and abuse being punished with neglect and abuse. It is a really awful and heartbreaking problem that has been swept under the rug. These poor kids have been failed by the adults in their lives from birth.
Through the 1990s in some parts of Canada. I have a friend who whines about not being able to adopt a Native American child. I’m like…you do know why, right? I’m glad Cate speaks about why, as well as the unmet need.
People should know why, but it is also true that the law (the acronym is escaping me now) that mandates that tribally-enrolled AI children can only be adopted to AI enrolled tribal members also results in kids who are NEVER adopted by anyone and who languish forever in foster care. Obviously tons of kids are never adopted as it is out of foster care.
As a side note, regarding stolen children, there seem to be more and more stories about unwed mothers of various origins (Irish, Italian, Spanish, I think, as well as Americans) who gave birth and were told their babies “died” but were really given to adoptive parents secretly. It’s nauseating to think of the attitudes people used to have towards unwed mothers in the past, or towards indigenous people. Shocking and heartbreaking.
ICWA – Indian Child Welfare Act
Thanks, Judy. I kept thinking it was “CIWA” but that’s an alcohol detox assessment tool, ha ha.
I don’t think that’s necessarily wrong. When you had a gov’t policy that was explicitly intended to sever those cultural ties, it’s understandable that you’d replace it with one that refuses to sever those ties.
But it does seem like there should be more options at a federal level–ones that would require the federal gov’t to actually INVEST in undoing that damage rather than simply stop it. I was thinking about this–some possibilities:
– non-Native adoptive families could adopt NA kids out of foster care only (and there is a specific channel to do so)
– non-Native adoptive families could adopt NA kids, but have to complete a federal program/class on the history/culture of that tribe and commit to engaging the child in some number of cultural activities with them
It’s cheaper to just do nothing, however. So you won’t see any changes until there is sufficient demand for them.
American adoption laws are far too lax. Our system benefits adoption agencies and attorneys (the group with the $$$), not the children. I’m an adult adoptee who can’t get my OBC (original birth certificate), which contributed to my 9 month fight to get a passport. The billion dollar adoption industry is in it for the money, and no longer care about adoptees after the checks have been cashed.
Well, it’s complicated in America, too. In America, we have private adoption (we took this path the first time) and yes, people wait YEARS – typically 3 or 4 – for a White child. We waited three MONTHS for our daugther, who is Black.
However – this is only for private adoption. For children in the foster system – it’s crazy. The goal of the courts in America is ALWAYS reunification with the birth parents, frequently to the detriment of the children. I have a friend who has fostered children for 40 + years – she has some insane stories. Once the children in the foster system are cleared for adoption, however, the process is pretty quick, and it’s free. However, because the goal is reunification, many times these children have been subjected to much more suffering and cruelty than they might have been had their parent’s rights been terminated more quickly. It’s heartbreaking.
I live in Massachusetts. Our state has been plagued by failures by the department of children and family services. There have been way too many deaths of babies, toddlers, and children. I’m going to have to say, in my opinion, the reunification with parents is not always the best thing. Just my opinion on that.
This is absolutely true regarding the foster system in America. I have a friend who fosters in MS and one child was given back to his mother twice and he almost died because of her neglect. She had previously lost 3 children and was a drug addict, and yet the judge would continue to try and reunite them. The birth mother is now married to a drug felon and pregnant again, but her parental rights have been terminated for this particular child. DHS can be a nightmare for children who need someone to protect them.
I just googled pics of her baby. It looks as if Cate had that baby herself! Blonde/strawberry blonde hair, fair skin, and blue eyes, and pink cheeks. Very cute, a little doll!
I agree, Bonnie; so much so, that I suspected they used a surrogate…
Let’s also not forget that adoption laws can vary significantly by state and be absolutely teeming with IGNORANCE.
There was a well publicized case recently of a lesbian minority couple that had been fostering and caring for a baby, with hopes of adoption her, only to be denied and that child instead be given to a white, religious couple (heterosexu as the bible dictates of course) that already had most of her siblings (to the tune of 12 children in one home).
Suffice to say the ‘fit’ white couple was eventually brought up on child abuse charges and the lesbian couple is still struggling to get back the baby they loved and opened their hearts to.
That’s why whenever I hear people wax poetic about how super scary it is that we have various forms of insemination for couples seeking children without adoption I wonder how much those people really know. I believe in adoption but it’s not a magic band-aid, it’s rife with corruption and imbalance.
Where I’m from adoption laws are terrible, too. You can be on the list for 10+ years and still not be able to adopt. If you suceeded in adopting, the child can be reclaimed by his/her famiy before 1 year has passed.
All adoptions are closed, meaning you can’t choose gender, ethnicity, look into medical and genetic backgrounds, etc. But the worst thing is that children are being left in foster care and orphanages not because nobody wants them but because the law is SLOW and is failing them and the adults wanting to adopt them as their own.
I agree the adoption laws in the US are crazy, I had a cousin and his wife adopt a baby that was about 1 year old, the mother had several other children, was a drug user and couldn’t afford this baby, the father was in prison, right after they finalized the adoption the father got out of prison and started to fight them for custody rights, during this time he got the babies mother pregnant again and broke the law, so he was going back to prison. You would think there is no way he could get their child, but they had to hire lawyers to fight this guy, during all of this they were trying to adopt another child, which the father offered to sell them the baby that they woman was currently carrying. They won, but not without costing them a bunch of money.
While I do think adoption is a wonderful thing, I have met people who are against it in general. I lived with a woman adopted from Korea and raised by a white family. Her experience with her adoptive family was not very positive, especially her relationship with her mother which was always strained. It sounded like her mom shouldn’t have been raising kids in the first place. She remained confused about race and her place in society until she met fellow Koreans in college who were international students. It was heartbreaking to hear but this is why I remain ambivalent about adoption, especially when kids are adopted outside of their race. Most parents do a good job I think but some really just don’t put the effort about educating themselves about adopting a child who will not physically look like them and the effect it may have on the child. Adoption is such a thorny issue.
I’m inferring from your first sentence that the woman you knew was against adoption in general – if so, she’s really projecting her own issues onto others. I know people who were adopted as children who are very happy and have to qualms about adoption at all. Plus without adoption, the number of children with NO family at all would skyrocket.
As a side note, I think the whole issue about whether it’s “right” to adopt trans-racially is kind of dumb. Plenty of biological kids are of a different (or half different, ha ha) ethnicity than their bio mother or bio father; it doesn’t mean that they can’t relate (no pun intended) to each other well or what have you.
Honestly, my feelings about adoption have changed a bit over time too. But while you may be introducing a new set of issues into an adopted child’s life, I think you can say that they are often better issues than those the child might have faced otherwise (Maslov’s hierarchy of needs!).
It sounds like your Korean housemate doesn’t realize that you can have these identity issues even if you’re not adopted. I was moved from one culture to another in my teenage years. As an adult, I realize how much of my difficulties connecting with peers were due to the fact that I felt like they made so many assumptions about me (because I looked like them) and were unable to recognize that I was from a different culture. In a way, it felt like negation. Anyway, just saying I can relate to your housemate even though I wasn’t adopted. It takes some time to find your people, and it can maybe be even harder when your people don’t necessarily look like you (your housemate might have it easier in that regard!). I do think the onus is on the adoptive parents to be aware of this and cultivate that exploration, though.
The history of the stolen generations is heartbreaking.
.
I know from several friends that foster care is the best way to get a kid. YOU get paid for adoption. All you have to do is thwart the bond the kid has with bio parents. Make it harder for bio parents to see them. Embellish the interactions a bit to the social worker.
Bond bond bond with the baby/toddler. Make the child feel negative about bio parents..dont say ” lets see mommy/daddy?” Say..” that lady, Alice, that man, John, is going to visit you, dont be scared, I will be waiting for you and we can have a snack”. Omg. Much much more..ffs. Social workers play the same game.
Lets just say I was so pissed off about how glib they were about it. They, who couldnt get an adoption from an agency, were a-ok for the state to let them adopt. And for free.
Im all for adoption. Im also all for reunification. If the bio parents are out of the question, then family and give them ALL the resources to keep the children safe, healthy, content.
Sounds like you’re friends with a lot of people like Kelly Rutherford, gross gross way of describing interacting with and molding a child.
I understand your comment but I want you to know that not all foster care adoptions are what you describe. Both of my children were adopted from “the system.” I didn’t “fail” with a traditional agency, I choose to adopt children that were actually in need of parents. In our particular situation, the bio parents weren’t able to care for the children. They would not be able to be raised in their family of origin no matter what. I was not interested in adopting a child that was an “inconvenience” to a birth parent, I wanted children that actually needed a home. To this day, 11 years later we have an open and loving relationship with the children’s bio parents (as well as the rest of their family). 48 hours doesn’t go by when we aren’t in touch with somebody in their family of origin. They aren’t bad people, they just weren’t able to parent their children. They are as thankful for us as we are for them. Not all foster care adoptions are bad.
Well, people might jump on me for this comment, but if I adopted a child and “48 hours doesn’t go by” without being in touch with someone from the bio family, I’d be pretty ticked off, frankly. May I ask where you live, generally speaking?
The US has special rules about the adoption of Native American children. Generally, there must be an effort to place child with a family member or another Native family before a non-Native family. I’m not super familiar with it, but it was invoked a few years ago when a mother put her child up for adoption. The father was Native American and had given consent, but then revoked (or tried to) after the adoption was finalized. It was a huge mess but I think ultimately the best interests of the child won out (it always should) and she was able to stay with the family that adopted her and raised her for a few years and was the only family she knew. It blows my mind how frequently the constitutional right to parent seems to trump best interests of the child
Okay, speaking as the mother of a domestically adopted white baby girl…we waited about two years and paid roughly thirty thousand in agency fees, hospital bills, lawyers fees, etc…what I found to be true was more than the race of my child, how “open” we were willing to be with the birth mother in the future, largely determined our wait time on the list. Hubby and I originally wanted a closed adoption and were told point blank, ” you’ll be waiting for years”. The “list” is no more more putting together a dossier on your family, pictures, hobbies, interests, home and such, that was submitted to the agency to show birth mothers with whom we matched. Criteria was laid down much more by the birth mother’s desires rather than any of ours. When a birth mother chose us to be the parents of her baby, our name and time on the “list” was up…not whether we wanted a blonde, blue eyed white baby. From what I understand, our wait was fairly average. And please, please, none of this, Cate Blanchett is awful because she didn’t feel she could handle an institutionally damaged 5-7 year old nonsense…not unless you’ve personally been there. My adopted from day one child has severe ADHD and oppositional defiant disorder…I love her more than life but there have been some very hard years of major behavioral problems, specialists, therapists and medication to put her in a place of us having as much of a normal, family life as possible. So please don’t so harshly judge unless you’ve lived it.
Thank you, Scarlettmoon, for your invaluable insight and for sharing your personal experience. Also good to be reminded not to be so quick to judge others. All the best on your wonderful journey through life with your beloved daughter.
Thank you Katherine…Just figured I was in a position to understand the process a bit better! Cheers!
i wish i could afford that couch. that’s all.