Gwyneth “The Goop” Paltrow is so perfect that she only has perfect friends. Well, with one exception – fattie chef Mario Batali. At least that appears to be the way Gwyneth sees him. I think Batali does a good job of pulling off his look; somehow it works for him. But according to Page Six, Gwyneth gave Mario a free membership to her massively overprice gym. Not just for his health, and not because she’s worried about him. But because she only has one fat friend, and it’s Mario.

OVER the years, Mario “Fanta Pants” Batali’s weight has ballooned along with his ego. It’s gotten so bad, insiders said, that his pal Gwyneth Paltrow gave him a free membership to the pricey gym that she and her fitness friend Tracy Anderson are opening in TriBeCa this summer, saving him the $4,500 membership fee and monthly bills. An insider said, “Mario is the only fat friend she has, and [she] wants him to change.” A rep for Paltrow didn’t return e-mails.

[From Page Six]

If Gwyneth wants someone to change, they better hop to it! Heaven forbid anyone not measure up to The Goop’s standards. It really bugs me that it seems to have nothing to do with Mario’s health, but more that Gwyneth has a fat friend. The horror! And not that she’d give a crap, but pushing health and fitness on someone doesn’t work. They’ll make a change when and if they’re ready. All stuff like this does is alienate a friend and make them feel self-conscious. For three birthdays in a row all my dad gave me was running shoes, even though I do not run, nor have I ever expressed anything but massive disdain for sports. Do you think it got me out on the track every morning? All it made me want to do was kick him in the ear.

Nonetheless, Mario and Gwyneth still seem to be friends, as he’s stuck up for her during her whole “frenemy” debacle – joking that he is in fact said frenemy.

Gwyneth Paltrow wasn’t referring to Winona Ryder when she recently wrote about a “frenemy” who was once “hell-bent” on taking her down. She was referring to Mario Batali, jokes the chef, her Spain … On the Road Again cohost. At the NYC Food Bank’s Can-Do Awards on Tuesday, Batali kidded about rumors that Ryder and Paltrow’s friendship soured after Paltrow went after Ryder’s part in 1998’s Shakespeare in Love.

“Well, I wanted the part as well, too, I must point out,” Batali joked with Us. “And I said some very nasty things about both those girls in the bathroom one day. And thank God there were no blogs yet at that time because no one was able to write it down!” Kidding aside, he said he thought it was interesting that bloggers began speculating that Paltrow was referring to Ryder.

“People who used to have to try to write a letter to get it published by the editor now can write it and have it immediately published and have it become actual fact in no time at all,” he said. But Paltrow can’t complain. “If you’re going to be famous and make $5 million a movie, you gotta take the lumps,” he said.

[From Us Weekly]

How unfortunate it is that even we commoners get to voice our opinions without massive editorial restraint! I can see why Mario and Gwyneth are friends; they both have the same attitude. Initially I was trying to stick up for Mario against The Goop’s bitchy, passive aggressive gesture, but now he’s on his own. It’s not surprising that either of these two would have some frenemies.

Good luck at the gym Mario. Maybe if you lift weights diligently for a few months, you’ll get strong enough to twist that stick out of The Goop’s ass.

Here’s Mario Batali at the Brooklyn Academy of Music 2008 Spring Gala last April. Header with Gwyneth at the “Spain… on the Road Again” Television Series Launch in September. Images thanks to WENN.com and PR Photos.com.