Ever since Zooey Deschanel got with her current husband Jacob Pechenik, I’ve been hoping that Zooey would sort of abandon the twee. I convinced myself that she had matured a bit, and then she named her daughter Elsie Otter and all bets were off. Peak Twee had been achieved. So it’s strange to see Zooey on the cover of Redbook, a magazine which usually veers more towards the Jennifer Garner demographic rather than moms-who-name-their-kids-Otter. Zooey’s promoting New Girl, but mostly she just talks about her baby and how her life has changed with motherhood.
How her little girl, Elsie Otter made her grow up…sorta: “I’ve never really felt like an adult. But I think it’s a huge accomplishment to have a child, so maybe I feel like an adult for that reason!”
On the importance of women supporting other women: “Growing up, girls get all of these cues that you’re not supposed to be aggressive. You can’t be bossy. If you’re assertive, you’re bitchy. There are a lot of negative things that are said about women who are powerful, and I think that it makes for a climate where women end up being inadvertently passive-aggressive toward one another, and sometimes trying to pull each other down.”
Slowing down post-baby: “I’ve slowed things down a bit. I think it’s good for your whole self— your creative self, your professional self, and just your soul— to take a little time for yourself and your family. You can spend your whole life going after things, but I think you risk missing out on some really powerful self-reflection.
The expectations for the post-baby body: “To expect someone to look like her pre-baby self immediately is odd. Because you just grew a human and then birthed that human—there’s a lot that needs to go back to where it was. All your organs move around, for chrissakes!”
“I’ve never really felt like an adult.” Yeah, and that bugs. She’s 36 years old! But I do think she’s probably, hopefully matured with motherhood, Otter-naming withstanding. I don’t have a problem with “I think it’s a huge accomplishment to have a child,” because I think it is an accomplishment. Maybe that’s a strange word to use, but the gestation, the birth, the fact that you’re bringing another life into the world, that IS an accomplishment (just one I want no part of). I also don’t have a problem with what she says about post-baby bodies and lady-on-lady hate.
Photos courtesy of Yu Tsai/Redbook.
Elsie Otter. The child should sue.
Eh. It’s a little ridiculous, but at least it’s her middle name. All she has to do is just go by her first name. Not that big a deal, really.
seriously. middle names are useless anyway. mine was an afterthought (Ann) because my parents forgot what they agreed upon. when i got married, i just switched out my maiden name for my middle name.
Well, except that she’ll feel like a dolt and roll her eyes every time she has to fill in an official form for the rest of her life.
I don’t even like the first name Elsie. Maybe as a nickname for Elsa or Elizabeth it would be cute, but not as an actual name.
Your names are just a part of you, you live your whole life with them so I doubt she’ll “feel like a dolt”. A lot of kids hate their name(s), no matter how “correctly” their parents named them. Perhaps she’ll actually like her name, we don’t know. As far as celebrity baby names go, this is extremely normal.
Yeah, it’s just a middle name. She’ll be Elsie Pechenik or Elsie Deschanel, which sounds completely normal, especially when you compare it to other celebrities.
I wonder if half these celebrities are huge stoners or just Frank Zappa fans. My son has an original name and spelling that doesn’t fall into the category of absurd. And PS I do relate to not feeling like an adult until motherhood- for those of us who bought into the rock n roll myth, getting out of narcism is an huge shift.
Wha? I wish Otter was my middle name. Otters are awesome! But, uh, I have some animal tattoos, sooo. .
they arent, google otter rape.
LOL – because that search wouldn’t be a concerning part of your search history or anything.
If people are still allowed to like Dolphins – the assholes of the sea, I’m going to continue on loving otters.
I don’t know that having a baby is really a huge “accomplishment.” I mean, it totally is a big deal, but – barring fertility issues – any woman can do it. A lot of women who shouldn’t do it, do – including several I know personally. I do agree with what she says about women’s postpartum bodies. It’s crazy the amount of pressure society puts on mothers to be able to pose in bikinis and the like as quickly as possible. It’s gotten worse with each successive pregnancy I’ve gone through.
The adult thing, it’s different for everyone. I think her life has probably been pretty stable, or even rather, with working, looking for work, working again, for so long that she’s probably felt the same since she was a teen do the same things. Adding in the music angle, which gives so many people Peter Pan-syndrome? Yeah, I can see why she’d feel that way.
Yeah, it’s no more an accomplishment than growing hair or having a bowel movement. Pure physiology. Now, raising that child to be a decent human being, on the other hand…
Well, growing my hair isn’t really annoying for 9 months and doesn’t culminate with a few hours of incredible pain, so I’d say it’s an accomplisment, even if every woman can do it.
Growing hair in certain places can be annoying, and removing it can be painful as well 😀 Both take zero effort on your part is what I’m saying. It all happens by itself, your body does it not you.
It doesn’t take” zero effort”to have a child for some of us.
Trust me, I’m aware of the the difficulties that pregnancies can put a woman through – I just gave birth for the third time, to twins at that. I didn’t mean that it’s not something of an ordeal. I just meant that I don’t think having a baby is the end all, be all. Plenty of woman are incredibly accomplished and entirely adult without ever having children. It’s more like @qwerty said, pure physiology, I believe she said. It’s certainly difficult and draining at times, but it is a natural bodily process.
The decision to carry a life to term is psychologically life changing in and of itself. Then the 9 months of body/lifestyle changes are also metamorphic and require vigilance, etc. It’s not an easy thing comparable to hairstyling, nor is it “passive”, unless the mother is on drugs or in denial somehow.
Hardly the same. Everyone can break a leg and have it heal, still hurts like hell. Pregnancy is actually a life threatening situation. If someone showed the same symptoms as most women experience during pregnancy, you would be admitted to some sort of care facility. Mental changes due to hormonal changes can be huge and the physical stress on your body… Your heart enlarges, your uterus grows faster than many a tumor, skin actually ruptures on the inside, internal organs get mangled… Not to mention giving birth, where pain caused by a small human head pressing on your spine can make you scream for something as dangerous as a needle to your spine, with the possibility of serious side effects like chronic back pains or even becoming paralysed. Not many births, natural or by c-section will leave you free from visible scarring, none from internal scarring. Not mentioning the huge blood loss many women experience. Now look up HELPP syndrome. Surviving pregnancy was once not as common as it is now. We take risks to procreate. Main reason I don’t understand getting pregnant by ovum donation. Why take such a risk to reproduce someone else’s dna…?
@Mieke
The things you listed show that pregnancy can be exhausting, uncomfortable or simply a pain in the ass. They don’t however show how it’s an accomplishment. I’ve heard of people who nearly bled out after having their tonsils out but I don’t think having chronic tonsillitis or getting tonsillectomy is an accomplishment.
Twitty comments there QWERTY.
Maybe it’s not a mental accomplishment, and I agree it’s sort of a passive accomplishment, but I wouldn’t blow it off. I’ve never been pregnant, and I look at pregnant women’s bellies and wonder how your skin stretches that far, and doesn’t your back hurt. And how do you get comfortable at night, and there’s an admiration there. Sort of a love for women and the sacrifices they make to bring a child into the world. But maybe I romanticize it, I wouldn’t know.
Oh, no blowing off here – like I said above, I had twins in January, my third and fourth children. And you’re absolutely right, when the skin on my stomach stretched it itched like crazy, leading to me spending an outrageous amount of money on cream to help alleviate it. Back aches needed constant massages, sleeping required a crazy looking pillow, and there were many late night grocery store runs due to insane cravings (hello, sardines!).
I meant more that it’s something your body does and you accommodate it as best you can, not something that means your suddenly adult. Plenty of women carry on without considering their children at all after giving birth. They still have to make the choice to put their children first.
Got it. I see your point.
I have to say @byland, your comments have been so life giving to me! I’ve always wanted kids and might not ever have them, and felt lesser for it. I don’t mean to overstate this, but your comments have really helped. Somehow, realizing that giving birth is an (incredible, life-altering) NATURAL bodily function, like you’ve described it, makes me feel a lot less left-out since I haven’t gone through it. Thanks for speaking so plainly and making your point so well!
Well, considering that many women change their food and health patterns to grow a healthier baby, and that there are still things in the world like miscarriages, stillbirths, preeclampsia and maternal death in childbirth, and some women have strokes during childbirth (Ted Danson’s first wife, per an article I read during the winter after a friend suffered a ministroke giving birth to her baby)….having a healthy baby is an accomplishment and is still down to exerting care, some genetic luck, some fate.
I took her comment to mean the effort required to take care of a child. I mean, it’s not like you can return it if you don’t like what you’ve birthed. I don’t have kids, but I didn’t take offence to her comment. Plus, it’s not like she said that it’s the only accomplishment — she just said it was AN accomplishment, not the ultimate accomplishment of all accomplishments.
Not having had kids, I think I can also understand her comment about not really feeling like an adult. Every year, I think I’m going to have the ultimate epiphany and think this is what adulthood really is, but it never really happens. Maybe having a kid did that for her.
Maybe I just thought the stuff coming-out of her mouth is what a lot of people secretly think about being an adult, especially in the post WWII period. Nowadays you see both teenagers and people in their 30s listening to Justin Bieber. Go figure.
I’m not sure what it is, maybe it’s more acceptable now to admit you have no idea what you’re doing. I doubt any of our forefathers had all their shit together when you’re “supposed to”, but they didn’t have the luxury of taking about it.
An old timer I knew was of the opinion that life was too soft for younger generations, they hadn’t known war (WW2 type all consuming war) or the war effort. Everything was too removed. You grow up because you have to, and with nothing pushing you, you stay immature. I’m not saying he was right or wrong, but it is an interesting thought.
For a lot of people, that push doesn’t come until they have a child, and I can see how that could be the catalyst to force you to “grow up”. Personally I’ve felt like an adult for a long time, but that’s probably because I spent nearly my entire childhood wanting to be one. I won’t say I’ve got it all figured out because I don’t, and there’s still plenty out there in life that intimidates me. But it wasn’t an epiphany, no singular moment in time where I thought “yes, I’m an adult now”. Maybe for some people it is, but you can’t hang around waiting for it.
Wren, all very well said. I had a moment in my career when I was probably around 30, when I realized that a lot of people more senior than me weren’t necessarily smarter or more competent than me, that we’re all just basically making it up as we go along. Not just at work, I see it when it comes to parenthood, too. And even as I near 50, I have moments where I don’t feel a single bit different/more mature than I did at 16.
I’m not sure it’s all that easy to admit you don’t have it figured out these days — I know a lot of people who would probably benefit from the humility that might come with admitting that. But I did have a therapist once tell me that, when it comes to motherhood, the degree of difficulty, so to speak, was a dirty little secret for a long time and that has changed a little bit as more women are willing to talk about it.
I agree with you, but I don’t have kids (of the human variety) so it’s not my call. I didn’t feel like an adult at 36, though. But somewhere between 36-40, I just stopped wanting to brag at work about how hard I partied that weekend. And when my coworkers do, I boast about being home all weekend (and by “home” I mean in between frequent excursions with the pup, to the park, the beach, the cafe, etc.)
No, it isn’t really that special, is it? The accomplishment is being a good parent.
ita
if billions of people have done it, that’s not a miracle or an accomplishment. people can literally do it by accident.
@lisa
THANK YOU. We were built for it. It isn’t a miracle. Raising the child is the hard work – not popping it out.
For many women, all it takes to have a child is to have unprotected sex. Raising a child is an accomplishment, giving birth to a child is a biological act. In the field I work in, I see many women who should never have gotten pregnant or had kids-women who don’t take care of themselves during pregnancy and don’t take care of their children after they are born. I’m sorry, I know pregnancy and childbirth are tough but I don’t see them in amongst itself is accomplishments. Being a good parent is an accomplishment.
In terms of the whole “I wasn’t a grown up until I had a child” thing….ugh. While I know that being a parent is a huge increase in responsibility, I think it’s insulting to imply that those of us without kids aren’t adults. I am in my early 40’s and am the primary breadwinner in a two income household-we own two homes (one is a rental property) and are responsible, caring citizens. Neither my husband or I have been reliant on our families for financial assistance since we were in our early twenties. I certainly don’t feel like I’m not an adult.
I don’t understand why people seem to be taking her comments personally… She said I never felt like an adult before, not that no one else is an adult unless they have children. And she said that having a child is an accomplishment for her, not that the act of childbirth alone is an accomplishment or that it is THE accomplishment. *shrugs*
Ugh another painful-I’m-so-special-cos-I’m-a-mummy mum…
Since being a mum, she’s become 100x more annoying.
It’s funny cause people talk about selflessness and sacrifice in relation to motherhood, yet it seems to be the biggest community drowning in self-praise.
She gets a pass on the adult thing. After three kids and a grandbaby, I’m sometimes shocked that I get to be out there unsupervised.
Also, she might be twee, but I remember when TMZ released the financial statements she filled out when she and Ben Gibbard were splitting. Her spending habits were extremely responsible, there was a line item for charitable giving, and the amount she donated monthly was not insignificant. That says a lot.
+1 on the unsupervised thing. 🙂
I actually agree with her on the having-a-child-made-her-feel-like-an-adult thing. After years of fertility issues, I became a parent at 33. I felt so incredibly grown up shopping around for a daycare, and my first day back at work? It just felt so oddly different dropping my baby off to go to a job and then picking her back up. I felt very grown.
+1 million!
I think I know what she’s saying…you think you’re an adult before having a child, and you are, don’t get me wrong–but then you become responsible for the life of someone totally helpless and so it just takes on a new, different dynamic that never existed before…I’d say having a child changes your awareness of being an adult. Still, I’ve tried to like her but I just can’t get over her shtick.
I agree. It was true for me too.
I used to be able to drink if i wanted. We could decide to head to the movies 10 minutes before it started, just get up and go. Having jobs mattered but we also only had to support ourselves. There’s a whole new feeling of responsibility when you have a child. We have to plan everything. And work hard to save and make sure everything is paid so our daughter isn’t without a home or food or anything.
Taking on responsibility for another life just makes me feel different. It’s good. But definitely a huge shift to include another person in every decision that we make
My husband said that as soon as she was born, he felt a weird, instinctual need to provide for her.
Everyone has their own concept on when one becomes an adult. JFK, Jr. said you aren’t an adult until your parents have passed away. I think I like Zoey’s theory better.
I actually lost my dad while I was pregnant with my daughter three years ago, and I can say that those two things happening near simultaneously rocked my entire world from a mental/emotional perspective. I felt thrust into adulthood and yet there I was, 33 and ten years deep into a pretty great career.
Both of those are monumental shifts in most people’s lives.
I realized I was an adult when the staff in McDonalds started calling me Sir.
I laughed the first few times it happened.
I was confused when they started calling me “ma’am,” looking around for an old lady. Now it’s not so bad.
I definitely grew up after having children.
Wait until the first young person asks you if you have grandchildren. 😁
When I started choosing cereal based on nutritional content instead of which one came with the coolest toy in the box.
You were getting Happy Meals in your teens?
When I bought a pepper grinder.
When I realized that I was out of laundry detergent and could not yell at my Mother as she walks out the door to do errands to get some.
Then having to price check when I had to pay for it myself.
…the Photoshop on those pics is terrible
Agree. She looks weird
I’m glad it’s not just me, she looks practically unrecognizable.
She grates on me. It’s no surprise that she didn’t feel like an adult until she was practically middle aged. She dresses like a 12 year old. In my early twenties, I think I enjoyed living in an adult world as sort of the “baby” of the adult family, being a little spoiled and coddled. Then I got tired of being patted on the head, realized it was my own behavior that was asking to be patted on the head, and grew up. So I don’t have a lot of patience for her. To be clear, I think everyone feels like a child at some point with some triggers no matter how old you are. And certainly, I see my age listed next to my name and I’m surprised, which is an odd feeling. But she complained before about not being taken seriously. Adults only take other adults seriously, and I think she was giving off a “protect me, I’m widdle” vibe. Which grates, as I said before.
I’m the baby of a large family and was always treated like the family baby. There are a bunched together group and then me. I worshiped my older siblings and thought they were the coolest people on the planet.
Even now they do it a bit but not dismissively.
That being said I was never like this woman and never wanted to be thought of as precious and fragile. I can’t stand women like this to the point in can make me actively dislike someone.
My parents didn’t allow dependent behavior at all. Still as the baby I had it easier. I had to prove myself independent more to my older siblings than my parents but they still can’t shake the habit fully.
I don’t like her routine especially as she ages it seems absurd. It’s not cute and it’s not endearing.
I hear you. I think it’s different with family than it is out in the world. My family will always think of me as the not very bright air headed clutz who would forget her own head if she could but never gets mad and is sweet as pie that was my role in the family as a child. It’s frustrating, and I have to admit, at times really hurts, because I had undiagnosed ADD and dyslexia and I was constantly teased for being dopey. I knew I wasn’t stupid, but I did stupid things, and they thought it was “cute.” They didn’t mean any harm and still don’t, but it takes me back to a helpless place that I grew out of long ago. With everyone but them. So don’t feel bad or like you’re doing anything to bring it on. Sometimes people just can’t let go of the “baby.” Maybe the role of wiser, older sibling is important to them? And I wonder if it bugs us because we feel we had to fight not to be viewed that way?
@GNAT: “I see my age listed next to my name and I’m surprised, which is an odd feeling.”
You nailed it! It does feel surreal to see my age and realize that’s ME.
I’ll have another glass of wine now! 🙂
Cheers!🍷
GNAT it really does get old sometimes. Their help is sometimes heavy handed and they do think regular adult things I do are “cute” and “adorable”. When I was ready to buy my own place my brother tried to take over to make sure I had really thought things through. Granted I was young but I wasn’t stupid.
I traveled for my job and once my Dad mentioned that they hadn’t heard from me, so my well meaning sister tracked me down. I simply took a few extra days to see the country but she was working everyone else into a worried frenzy.
I absolutely think they relish the role of older sibling. I can imagine in your situation the ADD and dyslexia made it worse.
Ugh. It’s hard to shake these well meaning people! If it makes you feel any better, once when I was about 40, I was flying down to see my parents and my dad called me the day before to ask, and I quote, “did you remember to buy a ticket?” I sort of realized that it was hopeless at that point.
I get what she is saying. I have and do all these things that adults so, but still have not come to the realization sometimes that I am.
And yes @cannibell, I am surprised some days how I am unsupervised.
I realized I was an adult when I made my own living and supported myself without any help from my family. I loved the feeling of owning my own things and paying my own bills.
I will say being responsible for children has made me less reckless and more thoughtful about my values and less self indulgent. I am more aware of possible consequences I may experience from the decisions I make. I am less spontaneous and more deliberate. I think more about societal issues and the state of the world on a much deeper level than ever before.
There is a sense of accomplishment but I’m prouder of what I have been able to accomplish once I became a parent and found strengths I never knew I possessed. The pregnancy was easy until the 8th month or so, at which point carrying around a growing person becomes physically uncomfortable and cumbersome. Some of the lifestyle changes can be a little hard but nothing impossible, just more aware of being healthy enough to carry a baby to term.
I don’t want to diminish the experience , but once the baby arrives, the hardest work begins. This is when you have to step it up and have it together.
I do get tired of the celebrity oversell of motherhood and making it seem as if they were half people who just became whole. I dont find that to be true. I’m just different, but not some phoenix arisen from the ashes of an incomplete life.
She grates and grates to the bone. Her twee game is 20 years past its expiration date.
ETA-Even her name as a reference to J.D Salinger annoys me. Usually it wouldn’t but on her it’s too much.
What a great post. I think you have a very balanced view of motherhood.
Thank you. I would to love to say I arrived at this by myself but I have incredible older women in my life who guide me continually. Some who have no children too. I think it’s a fallacy that women who have no children can’t offer good advice. In my experience they are the least judgmental and don’t nitpick as much. They tend to see me more as a person and not only a mother.
Plus they make awesome babysitters, lol. Well rested and energized too.
I’m so glad you have such great support. That’s so important!
I am pregnant and on bedrest and it is an accomplishment. The sacrifices start from the very beginning..making better food choices, foregoing my love of margaritas and staying completely still for hours on end to give her more time to bake all the while wondering whether I will still have a job when this is all said and done. Some people have easy pregnancies where they can just let their body do what it does. Others have a different road. So it is a big deal to me at least.
I believe you are in another category and hats off to you. That is a lot of sacrifice and I think I’d be an eternal grouch if it were me. I wish you well and happiness when your baby comes.
Who’s doing this Photoshopping?? That doesn’t even look like Zooey. The second photo in particular looks like Parker Posey.
Thank you! All these comments focusing on motherhood and almost nothing on how this looks nothing like her?! If I didn’t read the headline I’d have no idea who it was. Terrible syling, awkward posing, overkill photoshop.
yeah, it’s like her whole bone structure is different in these pics. Weird.
I didn’t find her interesting before & I don’t find her anymore interesting post-baby-adult-epiphany.
“I had a baby, now I get it. wah wah wah”
She’s annoying.
It’s pure myth. Motherhood doesn’t make you a better human being. Plenty of mothers are selfish, irresponsible, violent people. (I worked as an emergency responder.)
Motherhood gives you a strong incentive to be a better person. Most women, thankfully, meet the challenge. But that isn’t some automatic switch. If you’re a more responsible and selfless person as a mother then it’s because you chose to be. And that’s marvelous!!! But anyone can choose to be a better person at anytime (kids or not).
Sing it. – so true. Parenthood doesn’t make you a different person. Look at how many moms and dads abuse their kids, or commit crime.
Zooey D. must have led an easy, pampered life if it took motherhood to make her feel like an adult. Lucky her, I guess.
Agree Elle. This is the reason I can’t stand these sentiments. There are so many children suffering because of people who have no business having children. It’s a conscious decision to be a better human being whether a person becomes a parent or not.
@Elle
PERFECT response. So true.
Wonderful thoughts, and I totally agree.
I’m not into her dress sense but she’s ok by me, she seems far more down-to-earth than her Princess of Twee rep suggests. I don’t have a problem with any of what she said – she’s speaking of her own experience, not blanket-statementing others.
And frankly, I can actually relate. I’m 31 and still feel immature at times. Like I do not have it together nearly as much as I want to. I have no desire to have children, but if (god forbid) I did have one, I suppose it would certainly be a huge incentive to start behaving and feeling like an adult.
I felt like I had accomplished something when I had my baby. It was such a relief to have the whole pregnancy and birth over and done with with,and a massive relief that it all went without a hitch.
My son is seven now and I don’t feel like an adult at all…I’m still waiting on the day when I’ll wake up looking capable and confident just like the big people
I think she’s adorable & I love her, but I can’t deal with the constant baby/motherhood drivel that flows so freely from these new & career Hollywood moms. (by “career Hollywood moms,” I mean the ones who are known more for breeding & trotting their kids about town for photo-ops rather than for acting or whatever)
It’s the same sentiment, more or less, recycled over & over. We get it. Having a baby changed your perspective on life & you feel a little guilty when you go back to work. Change the record.
I hear you. My over- it moment was about nine years ago. Had a more than full time job, a toddler, a husband getting a PHD. Found out I was pregnant, happy surprise and was in the doctors office for my first appointment. Read a random article by G. Paltrow on how ” she couldn’t imagine leaving her baby to be raised by someone else’ … I literally saw red.
What an insensitive tool that woman is …at the time her livelihood depended on people who didn’t have her options, buying tickets to her movies… Have never bought any magazine , movie or book related to her since.. so to paraphrase a George Bush bumpersticker I once saw… I hated G. Paltrow before hating her was cool.
So much self-praise in the mommy community.
Spoken like a first time mom. I think it’s funny that her sister Emily always comes across as more grounded about pretty much everything.
I’m 33, and I have a career that was hard to come by, a nice apartment, and a good life. I don’t know if I feel like an adult or something else. It doesn’t seem ridiculous to struggle with feeling autonomous or adult (however we define it). I’m in the process of buying an apartment, and I’ve been debating whether that will make me a “grown up.” Who knows. I know I don’t want kids. Maybe “adulthood” will emerge when I buy my apartment or when my parents die… Either way, I don’t know if it matters how I feel so much as how I behave, and I know I behave like an adult: I pay my bills, do my job, try to be a good friend, and try to be kind. That’s got to be enough, right?