Stories like these are why I became a writer – this is one of my rare serious moments. Paris Hilton is currently rehearsing for her new role in “Repo! The Genetic Opera.” I’ll wait while you process that.

“The movie, based on a successful theatrical production by Terrence Zdunich and Darren Smith, is about an organ failure epidemic in 2056 that forces people to purchase genetically perfect ones from Geneco, a biotech company committed to collecting regular payments.

“’The idea is that everybody is buying up organs, and they cannot afford to pay for these organs,’ director Darren Lynn Bousman recently told MTV. ‘Thus, legalized organ repo-men come into the picture. Murder becomes sanctioned by law. So, if you buy a heart and can’t afford it, someone can burst through the door and take your heart out… and they don’t get in trouble for it.’”

[From Canada.com]

All of the dialogue in “Repo! The Genetic Opera” is sung. Paul Sorvino will play Geneco’s owner, and Hilton will play his daughter. The movie also stars Alexa Vega from “Spy Kids” and Tobin Bell from “Saw.” Paris refused to comment specifically on the movie, but did tell E! News that she was currently rehearsing for a “’very cool and unique project…We’re just in the studio. We’re doing dance and singing.’”

This makes my heart sing. I didn’t actually see Paris in “House of Wax” but I have read enough jokes about it that I feel I know the movie well enough to join in. And I didn’t buy her “album,” but again I’ve heard enough smack talked about it that I think it’s fair of me to say this: when you put Paris’s previous acting and singing skills together, you don’t come out with much. It’s kind of like that basic math you learned in third grade, that if you multiply anything by zero, no matter what it was you had in the first place, you end up with nothing. And Paris Hilton is that great big zero. I’d make a joke about how maybe that repo man came and reposed her brain… or her talent… or her conscious… or her [fill in whatever vapid Paris characteristic you’d like here] but that would be too easy, so I won’t.

Update by Celebitchy: Along with appearing in that rock opera in Canada, Paris is trying to breathe new life into what was considered a failed music career. She was shooting a music video this weekend, and rapper Akon has launched a public appeal to get her to sign on to his record label. He says “I would definitely sign her to my label ‘cos she’s a character. You give her the cutest record, something that’s just for women, an anthem; I think it will be outta here!” [From Net Music Countdown] I would just like to see Paris get dry humped on stage by Akon – only if she was willing. There’s nothing funny about simulated rape. It doesn’t seem to me like she would object, though.

Another update: This is a movie, not a play as I originally assumed based on the title.

Picture of Paris leaving the studio this weekend from Splash News.