God, we are going to miss Michelle Obama so much when the Obamas leave the White House. Even though there are so many hopes that Michelle will take on some kind of public role following the end of Pres. Obama’s second term, I doubt she will. She never needed us, but we always needed her. Michelle and Oprah Winfrey sat down for a discussion at the White House United State of Women summit. CB’s covering some of Oprah’s quotes, and I’m covering FLOTUS. Michelle’s words are… amazing. As always. I love her. I don’t know what else to say but that. I love her and admire her and I wish I was even half as cool as Michelle. Here are some assorted drops of wisdom from MObama.
Have a relationship with yourself: “And I think as women and young girls, we have to invest that time in getting to understand who we are and liking who we are. Because I like me. I’ve liked me for a very long time. So for a long time, I’ve had a very good relationship with myself.”
Moving small children into the White House: “So you remember Malia and Sasha were little itty-bitties when we came into office. I mean, it still moves me to tears to think about the first day I put them in the car with their Secret Service agents to go to their first day of school. And I saw them leaving, and I thought, ‘What on earth am I doing to these babies?’ So I knew right then and there my first job was to make sure they were going to be whole and normal and cared for in the midst of all this craziness. And then I started to understand that if I was going to protect them, I had to, number one, protect myself and protect my time.”
Men never talk about “balancing” things in their lives: “You know why? Because they don’t have to balance anything. Sorry. And I hope that that is changing, but so many men don’t have to do it all.”
What she wants from men: “Be better. Be better at everything. Be better fathers. Good lord, just being good fathers who love your daughters and are providing a solid example of what it means to be a good man in the world, showing them what it feels like to be loved. That is the greatest gift that the men in my life gave to me. And we’ve talked about this, the fact that I never experienced abuse at the hands of any man in my life. And that’s sad to say that that’s a rare reality. So men can be better at that. Men can be better husbands, which is be a part of your family’s life. Do the dishes. Don’t ‘babysit’ your children. You don’t ‘babysit’ your own children. Be engaged. Don’t just think going to work and coming home makes you a man. Being a father, being engaged, all that stuff is important. Be a better employer. When you are sitting at a seat of power at a table of any kind and you look around you and just see you, it’s just you and a bunch of men around a table, on a golf course, making deals, and you allow that to happen, and you’re okay with that — be better. . . Just be better.”
Michelle Obama is #goals. I love what she says about girls and women having a relationship with themselves and “I like me. I’ve liked me for a very long time.” Do you know how difficult it is for many women to say that? “I like myself. I have a good relationship with myself.” I couldn’t say that until I was in my late 20s. As for her “be better” conversation to men… she’s magnificent. I MISS HER ALREADY. Damn!
Photos courtesy of WENN.
SHE IS SO COOL.
Huff Post has some more snippets, but this is my favorite…
“Another thing the first lady also hasn’t gotten over is the president’s frequent walk back to the White House from Marine One.
“Good lord. Watching my husband walk off of Marine One and go to the Oval Office, it’s like, mmm, mmm, mmm,” she said. “And you know he’s got that walk, right?””
I love this couple!
OMFG. I love it. I adore it. They’re so hot together, you just know it. So juicy.
He does have a nice walk, He oozes cool and confidence.
They are really great together. And dern tootin’ men don’t babysit their own children!! She’s a cool lady.
All hail FLOTUS! She’s amazing.
+ a billion! She’s amazing.
People have been saying that for years. Hell I’ve even heard meathead football players say it.
Oh, I just love her.
This was my first thought upon reading the headline, before I even read the snippets. Sigh.
Be Better.
I know. What an amazing role model.
+1 she is amazing. This should be required reading! Bravo.
Fathers saying they babysit their own child is one of my (many!) pet peeves. You parent your child, you act like a father you don’t babysit. 100% agree with her.
100 %. I hate when someone asks me if my husband is babysitting. NO he’s at home with his son…
OH JESUS. I don’t even have a child and this makes my blood boil.
+1,000
That drives me insane! My immediate reaction is to ask who the real father is. I said that to my brother-in-law just once and he never said he was babysitting his own kids again. It is a denial of the equal responsibility of parenting.
Great response, I’ll have to try it. We can also ask, “How much are the parents paying you?” or “How much do you get an hour?”
Also: “Did you take that babysitter training class in school?” “Did you take that First Aid class for babysitters?”
Shame on them! ; )
Lmao that’s wonderful, can’t wait to use it myself!
Me too! I absolutely hate it when I hear that phrase. I’m looking at you Ben Affleck.
Babysitting and taking care of are the same words in my language. I guess fathers here have an easier time not making mistakes.
It wouldn’t be a big deal in our language if the phrase went the same the other way. “Hey Jim, who’s with the kids tonight? Oh, my wife is babysitting them.” That never happens. In fact it is never even asked. It is assumed if dad is out, mom is watching the kids. But if mom is out, it is rarely assumed the kids are with dad. That responsibility isn’t assumed. And if we say he is “babysitting”, we are saying it isn’t really his job. He’s doing mom a favor. That’s why it’s such a big deal in our language. It’s not about getting men in trouble or accusing them of making a mistake. It’s about getting men (and society in general) to see their responsibility in raising their own children. By normalizing the idea that fathers aren’t babysitters, we can also remove the emasculation so many men associate with watching their own children and give them permission to step up without fear of stigma.
@Lucinda-100% agree, that’s exactly what it is, thank you.
Right there with you. I have a lot of girlfriend whose husbands say this but they also say it. They will say their husbands can babysit for a girls night out or something. Ugh.
Agree! Smack some sense into your girlfriends!
A father with his kids is never babysitting. A father with his kids is fathering — and no one else can have that role!
Don’t want to poke the bear, but is it possible it’s just sometimes being used as a turn-of-phrase? And we’re projecting? Obviously this difference in perception of responsibility is a legitimate problem but sometimes I wouldn’t mind if we all simmered a little.
My husband always took care of the kids without being asked, just because he’s their father. He stepped in every time without looking at me first. His brother though is another story – every time I saw him with his family it was “I’ll hold her for you” to his wife or “can you help me with her? his wife to him. Or “poor thing, he had to stay with the kids because Jenny is away for a week” (nobody mentioned the fact that she was with the kids constantly). It drove me nuts. But if she wants to be a martyr, it’s her choice.
We spend our lives holding out tongues to preserve our men’s egos.
It’s symptomatic of a larger attitude. If it’s a turn of phrase, why don’t women use it?
I don’t know, but we use the word all the time for whichever parent is on solo duty.
My pet peeve too. I would always respond with “no, he’s parenting”.
It used to bug me, but at this point it seems like a tip o’ the hat to the truth: lots of fathers are checked out. They are babysitting. And they’re fine with that. It’s sad, but it’s the truth.
Omg. My oh-so-progressive ex would probably STILL argue with me about it. He’d champion the point if brought up by someone else maybe, but not me.
Swwoooooooonnnn.
I know I’m greedy, because we have Trudeau already… but when you guys are done with them…can we have the Obama’s?
only if you give us Trudeau when he’s done there.
I’m willing to participate in this exchange program. We can just keep cycling them back and forth!
Please take Trudeau from us right now and keep the Obamas. I am glad the biggest problem you all have is if men should call it babysitting their children or not. Wow.
Linda – what a ridiculously condescending, uncalled for statement.
CLEARLY I am interested in more than this and the implication that I don’t have more interest in actual issues is ridiculous. I HAPPILY voted Trudeau because his policies were most important to me. I am – for the first time in ages – proud of our government.
Let me guess – from Alberta?
@erinn no I am not from Alberta. Why do you assume that? That is judgemental. Why does it matter where I am from. I was always taught it is ok to have an opinion on government. We don’t all think alike. That is what makes us a great country. We are allowed to have different opinions without being judged. Notice I am not posting where I think you are from.
wow, Linda, gotta agree with Erinn here. your post was condescending and unnecessary.
no where did anyone say that that’s the biggest problem we have. it’s just something that most of us can relate to, so we are commiserating and venting.
say what you want about the Obamas or Trudeau, but don’t make ASSumptions about other people’s problems.
@Erinn – can we also stop with the Alberta redneck stuff too? Most Albertans are really hard working and tend to value conservative policies that honour that hard work over a tendency for social programs. While I agree we could move a little left to support those in need, the self-resilience of many of our communities has been necessary because we are out west (away from central Canada), our cities/towns have tended to be small (lower tax base and representation) and isolated and our population is under-represented in the federal government. But we do have great qualities (look at the support for Ft Mac, Pine Lake, Calgary), are more diverse than given credit for and have contributed jobs, resources, and Canadian pride for decades as well as over 147 billion dollars to the country coffers for the past 50 years. I didn’t vote for Trudeau, did vote for Notley and I also think the conservatives have fallen short federally and provincially in the recent past, and I hope our new governments make sound decisions. But we don’t need to be divisive to our own citizens.
@ohdear being from the west I couldn’t have said it better. Thank you.
@Erinn
hey hey! I’m from Alberta and am proud of it. And I’m also proud to say that I voted for Trudeau. And we have an NDP government too! Please don’t paint us all with one brush.
Only if you send the Mounties to take Donald Trump far, far away to the northernmost area of Canada and dump him in the woods… and forget where they left him. They can leave camping supplies. Just no maps.
@Jwoolman: there are no woods in the northernmost area of Canada – he would have to survive in the cold tundra with little more than seals and polar bears! His tan would be more red than orange though – from the sun’s reflection off the snow and the biting wind.
thanks @Linda! I appreciate your comment : )
I can’t believe you are comparing the Trudeaus and the Obamas. The Obamas: Harvard educated lawyers who surmounted all the difficulties blacks face to rise to the top; the Trudeaus, pretty but dumb people who were coronated due to a large number of pre-existing privileges. Give me the Obamas any day.
@ALEX yes! I’d rather a lawyer working on our laws over a drama teacher any day
I will miss the Obamas.
God, so will I. The Obamas are a breath of fresh air. Goodbye fresh air. I’ll miss you.
Same here! I didn’t vote for Obama first term (second term I didn’t vote due to intense morning sickness, ie HG ;)), but he and Michelle always struck me as just cool, low key people who prioritized their children above all else. Her awesome dresses will be missed too!
I’m trying to picture Melania Trump’s pearls of wisdom … But I can’t. Michelle Obama has been a fantastic flotus.
I F*CKING LOVE HER. She is everything I’ve ever wanted in a FLOTUS and more. I’m going to miss her and her husband so much.
I am going to miss her too, and I’m not even American.
Melania would be the Duchess Kate of first ladies. Only worse. … I can’t believe this is even a possibility.
Damn, that’s cold. I’m not sure who should be more insulted.
Duchess Kate’s admirers wouldn’t make anti-Semitic death threats against Jewish reporters, as Donald Melania Trump’s fans have.
oh giggles…indeed she would! but give Melania credit for strictly blowing through Trump cash, not US taxpayer money…yet! If there is a God, she’ll never be flotus.
No. Just no.
I’m sure Melania’s pearls would include –
1. Pretend your husband’s frequent comments regarding his “hot” daughter aren’t weird.
2. Pretend the creature on his head is real.
3. Close your eyes and think of $ when he’s on top of you.
4. Let the press believe you speak only broken English.
5. Let the hot daughter play the first lady role – more time for YOU.
6. Point out your superiority to the illegals doing it the wrong way.
7. You only need to have one child to cement your place.
pearls of wisdom or coping strategies ?! ha! 🙂
men can ‘be better’, so can women.
but also society also needs to be better.
and we need to be better to each other in order to make the room for men and women to ‘be better’, to themselves, to their families, to their neighbors, etc.
Women are plenty good enough; they’re just worn out sometimes. Men hold more power in the marketplace and they really do need to be better. Michelle is right about too many men taking for granted the men-only workplace … they should be bothered when they look around and they shouldn’t — as I’ve heard far too often — assign a woman to “take care of it.”
Way to miss the point.
LOL…I used to call male friends and even an ex-boyfriend out on this all the time. I can’t go out, I have to babysit my kids. They are your kids, how do you babysit your on child. It would be ok if they said I have the kids tonight or something, but babysit. Is the mother paying them to watch them.
I routinely called out a nurse anesthetist I worked with when he said he was babysitting his kids. “No Greg, you’re parenting your children.” He never got it.
My husband always thinks he’s babysitting when he’s alone with our son, which is on average about 2 hours a week. It infuriates me.
How much does he charge?
🙂
She is the Beyoncé of that relationship and Obama knows it.
It always irritates me when I hear fathers say “I’m babysitting the kids” or “I’m on daddy duty today” , you’ve been on “daddy duty” since your kids were born…You don’t get a prize for doing what you’re supposed to do.
I love her.
My husband is one who thinks his job is done when he leaves the office at the end of the day. Ha! Parenting is never done!!! He got very upset with me recently and said “why is it always about YOU?” The problem is, it is NEVER about me. We have four children (13 to 7 months), a dog, and a 30 year old house with something new breaking or leaking every day. I am always taking care of someone or something else. I wish he thought it was always about me. Would that be so bad? I focus on everyone and everything else and he focuses on the office and me?
just tell him you’re going to take a break from all the babysitting you’re doing. one week at the bahamas or something. “feel free to focus on just you while i’m gone, darling. bye!”
I heart you.
Last night I fell asleep in the recliner nursing the baby. Baby and 3 year old sick for the last week. No sleep happening. I’m probably tired, right? He was too busy playing a dumb game on the iPad to put 3 year old to bed. So he climbed on and off recliner 10 times till he woke us both up. Husband was like, oh, now you can take them both to bed with you, while he went to sleep alone in another room. What a sacrifice!!! Gah!
@Sizedoesmatter,
Just know, I know exactly how you feel. You are not alone
in the research literature its called the ‘Second Shift’, and it tends to impact far more women than men. Women put in a second shift, beyond their job or their full day of parenting. Signing forms, arranging childcare/playdates (I hate that word), helping with homework, social support with friendships, etc. It doesn’t end.
That’s because your husband grew up in a society that taught him housework and child raising isn’t actual work that is to be valued and respected. I’m watching the same thing go down with two friends and their children. I told my friend rather frankly that he was lucky to have her – I’d have already filed for divorce and gone for full custody in her place. I am no babysitter for adults.
So why are you all taking this? Why are you letting them get away with not doing their share? And more importantly…. why are you continuing to have babies with men who aren’t stepping up?
She’s the queen! So many good statements
I adore this woman. I do hope she continues to advocate for girls, and her advice is spot on.
I agree. She’s such an amazing role model and a class act. Sacha and Malia are very lucky young women. I too hope she doesn’t disappear from the public eye. We all need her and her words of wisdom now more than ever!
She is wise and beautiful and cool. I want to be her when I grow up (I know, I’m older than she is) and I want to hang out with her and call her when I need advice. I love her.
Omg this article gave me the feels and the chills. I too feel a sense of loss already, as I feel like she’s going to seriously disappear when he’s out. I wonder what she will do career wise? She is a lawyer, and still so young.
She is an incredible woman; well-spoken, witty, kind and lovely. I have been slammed for saying positive things about her and I don’t care. I said them then and I will continue to say it now.
No slamming from me. She’s the best. It actually kind of blows my mind that anybody can find anything bad to say about her.
+1000
Thank you for agreeing with me, Kitten.
Oh, come now. You know the nasty things they say about her, and you know why they say it, no matter what they pretend otherwise. It’s depressing.
Sarah Palin was foaming at the mouth about Michelle Obama’s work promoting healthy food options such as at fast food joints and schools. Sarah apparently felt she was an unAmerican cookie hater taking away our freedom to give our children the gift of diabetes (and I suppose would be coming for our guns next). Would have thought that healthy eating endeavor was a nice non-political issue for a FLOTUS to address that concerned parents of all different political beliefs, but apparently not.
I adore her. I’m a total Michelle stan. She’s extraordinary.
Everything you said. I love her even more than Obama and sometimes wish she had been president instead.
YAS. FLOTUS dropping all the wisdom. POTUS also had some great opening remarks at this event. *sigh* can we keep them?
..no, but seriously, can we?
I swear, I would love to see her pull a Hillary and get into politics. She’s just so wise, and kind, and smart, and classy, and elegant, and…Jeez, I sound like I’m in love with the woman, but I kind of am.
Yeah I’m torn on this.
On one hand, she’s been so impactful as a FLOTUS that I’d love to see what she could accomplish in a more prominent political role. On the other hand, I’m so protective of her and would hate to see what this country would do to her if she ran for a political office. The racism alone would be worse than the angry black woman trope that was leveled at her as FLOTUS, you know?
I don’t know..I just don’t want to serve her up to the racist, misogynistic aholes in this country….
If anyone could handle that situation with intellect, and grace, and tact, and charm, it’s her, and POTUS would make a hell of a First Spouse. But yeah, I can see how it would be u-g-l-y.
Keep Barack so he can carry on bombing brown people on the other side of the world?
I know, I will miss them terribly. There is also something so nice about having a family in the WH. Wonderful role models all around.
Agreed.
Love her. The part about men is spot on of course, but I really appreciate the part about women liking themselves. I didn’t get that until I was 23 or so and in law school. I think younger women (and oh god teenagers) struggle with this a lot and some women never get to the other side of it. And cultural expectations of course are that women will be weak, insecure,wanting to please/be liked, passive, etc. Men are expected to be confident. Rock that dad bod. Will there ever be an ode to the mom bod? No. Instead it’s 19 million articles on how to lose that baby weight. Because women aren’t supposed to like themselves the way they are. F*ck that. I’m telling all you ladies in your early 20s, Michelle O is giving away the secret to happiness right here.
You got it at 23? That’s awesome! I’m 40 and just starting to wrap my head around it.
I had great role models. I still remember distinctly this conversation I had when I was 21 ish with a friend who was around 25 or 26. We were smoking weed so it was one of those kinds of conversations. She said how she loved getting older and she felt so much more confident and liked herself more than she had at 21 and she couldn’t wait to see how great she felt at 30 because she was just getting better and more awesome as time went on. It really made an impression on me at that age, that kind of joyous pride and confidence and self love. I’m in my 30s now and she’s right-I like myself more every year.
My Mom and Nana were the best at teaching me to like/love myself first and foremost. In high school and early on in college people would try to use it against me and say I was cocky and think I am better than everyone else. And now they’re slowly realizing that I never thought I was better than anyone else I just think I am completely wonderful and amazing and love myself and everyone should feel that way about themselves. It was never about forcing the world to think I am wonderful and amazing, it was always about me knowing that truth 🙂
Can Michelle be President now?
She is so beautiful inside and out. I hope she stays active even after the Obamas leave the White House. The world needs women like her.
I can’t with her whiny petulant husband, but she seems pretty cool.
Whiny? Petulant? Wow. Next time you try to improve your difficult and violence-riven country after you were given an electoral mandate to do so, and try to fix economic, social and diplomatic problems despite the mess left by your predecessor, the sworn opposition of the legislative body, and most likely an incessant stream of death threats that you have to keep to yourself and your wife, get back to us about your mood.
He’s been pretty damn even-tempered and most of us hope he’s not bottling his frustration to the detriment of his health.
She is more than cool – she’s amazing. But I bet you find her “pretty cool” only because she doesn’t hold actual power in office.
And has he even hinted at the death threats – not a whisper. What a whiner that man!
This is a man who couldn’t even state a basic fact – if I had a son he would look like Trayvon Martin – without being viciously attacked. That’s the only thing I’m looking forward to at the end of his presidency. It’s a full time job for some, hating on this man. But I’m sure the racists will be content to use their misogynistic side for 4-8 years.
This thread is so great. I refrained from replying because I just don’t feel like getting into it today and all my fellow posters do it for me. Win!
Anyway, WATP and Mayamae-+1.
@mayamae
You do understood that there are people out there who dislike the president for policy, and not racial, reasons, right? I’m not here to debate politics, but I feel compelled to point out that the biggest way to spread hate and intolerance is to assume anyone who has a different opinion is racist and misogynistic.
I don’t think mayamae was making that assumption, just referring to those who fall into that category.
and there are a LOT of them.
@vilebody, of course I realize that. But I’m also fluent in coded language. And out of the arguable negatives of Obama, whiny and petulant are ridiculous. Love him or hate him, he is the most calm and even-mannered president we’ve had in recent history. He didn’t get the nickname, “No drama Obama”, for being whiny and petulant.
@doofus, exactly. And thank you.
I think you are mistaking her (although God knows how or why) with another woman that has a similar name. This is Michelle, not Melania.
You can’t make personal attacks and then say that it’s all about his policies. You’ve already tipped your hand.
MObama for president!!
Being a mom isn’t a job, but being a dad is babysitting aka a job. So annoying.
I had a female friend who was laid off for a bit, and said she was going to be a “full time mom” until she found another job. I tried to break it to her as diplomatically as possible that any parent is always a full-time parent. Ah, but her kids were babies then. She’s probably figured it out by now — with a lot of household help.
God I love everything about this. Too bad more men don’t do this. That “all I need to do is work and come home” attitude is extremely prevalent where I’m from, and it is maddening.
Although I have never been a fan of Obama for his performance as POTUS, I think very highly of the example that he and Michelle have shown re: family. Probably more so than any other recent family in the White House, they have been a great example of strong family. I include the fact that Marion,Michelle’s mother, came to live with them. I say this because in contrast to what happened in earlier times, where grandparents lived with their adult children & their offspring (and were a very active part of family life) , the elderly now live separately and are seen by the culture as ‘past their due date’, while in so many other cultures they are seen as a valuable part of family. From what Michelle has says, she appears to want to live a life outside of the spotlight after Obama leaves office. I really wish she would address the issue of family in some way…the family is having a hard time now and I think she is in a great position to help rebuild and strengthen it.
Exactly.
You know, my political beliefs are not in line with the Obamas and I didn’t vote for him, but I’m telling y’all how much I appreciate their contributions as First Family. They are warm and engaging, they are good parents, they are raising strong women and believe in the importance of that, and I really really love everything that Michelle says. I love this interview just like all of her interviews. Faced with the next election, I’ll say it–I will miss their dignified presence in the White House, representing America.
This was a classy statement! This is the kind of political discourse we need-people who can say, I may not agree with your politics, but you’ve been a strong representation for America. Well done! (And it’s sad that I feel like I need to really call out how classy it was of you to say that, but after my ETN facebook feeds, I just can’t y’all with partisan politics.)
Abby, thanks for demonstrating that it’s possible to disagree with someone and still respect them as a person. We don’t see a lot of examples of that these days!
Bravo!
Agree with others above. Nice to see this.
Thanks y’all! I appreciate it!
This is exactly how I feel about the Obamas as well. I appreciate and respect the way they’ve handled public life and family priorities the past eight years. They are a great example of a loving family and a healthy and loving marriage.
And I absolutely love everything FLOTUS said. It is SO important for girls and women to like themselves, and it’s something so many either never do, do too late, or feel like they have to apologize for or minimize to be liked. I hate that confidence in women is frowned upon but exalted in men. I hope that my daughter unapologetically not just loves herself ,but likes herself. It took me a lot of years and a lot of heartache to be able to have a healthy relationship with myself. And more than anything that’s what I hope for my own daughter. Spot on FLOTUS!
Also I love that she has such high expectations for men. She set that bar so high probably in part because she always did like herself. When you have that kind of self confidence you demand excellence in others
I love Michelle Obama. I agree with what she says 1000%. I am also going to miss her.
I would also like to add that women need to know what they should look out for when finding a good father for their kids and not just look out for a hot guy who is pretty ok right now. Don’t have kids with a guy because he is cool to hang out with or is great in bed. I have known many women who do have children with men like this and they are shitty fathers. They do very little as a father and also expect to be waited on as well. And then the women complain that they are doing it all. Yes, there are males that “pretend” to be amazing, but mostly it is shown before children even enter the picture. My cousin is expecting a baby with her fiancé and that’s all she says is how much she cleans up after him and then he goes and dirties it all up again. She will then say “no biggie” and its cute to clean up after him. I am thinking that now its fine, but wait until you are 35 weeks pregnant or have a fussy newborn and see if cleaning up after a man-child is still going to be cute then. This is the type of woman who will then complain about her relationship. I remember my mom telling me that being with a man that is a good husband is great, but having him as a even better father makes him a great husband. I believe that. Men need to be the man that they want their daughters to end up with and women need to hold a higher standard to their significant others to be a better parent. Period. I hate seeing Facebook pictures of naked woman and very graphic sayings of guys that I know who are fathers. It is time to step up and grow up and act like a respectable father should act. There’s a book called “Strong Fathers. Strong Daughters” that my husband read and it states that fathers need to be strong and raise strong self confident women and respecting all women will let them know this through these actions.
Oh, and I also hate the term, “babysitting” when fathers say it. Ticks me off!
Great advice. I use animals as my barometer (okay, so it’s actually my #1 requirement but it’s relevant to kids too). The night I met my boyfriend (almost 7 years ago), we were at a loud party but there was an undeniable spark, so I asked if he grew up with pets. He gushed about all his childhood rescue dogs and named all his parents’ current cats, and I knew he was worth a shot.
I highly recommend the pet test, lol… allergies notwithstanding. Today he’s still the sweetest and most caring guy I know. We want to adopt kids eventually, and I know he will be a good dad because I’ve seen the way he cares for our pets and our friends’ kids. He isn’t perfect (who is?) and in my younger/more naive years, I probably would have ruled him out because he doesn’t share my interests in art or literature, he plays video games, etc.
TL;DR: I agree. If you want kids, make sure your partner — no matter what the gender — is someone who can be selfless and tender and present. Your whole life will revolve around parenting, and you want an equal partner to share the burdens & the blessings.
The animal thing is a deal-breaker for me. I could never be in a relationship with a guy who doesn’t at least like animals. Bonus if he loves them and is enthusiastic about them as well 😉
My BF (a dog fanatic) is super-into my two cats to the point where he actually asks me what they’re doing right now when we’re on the phone. “What are the cats doing?” “How are the cats?” “What do the cats want for Christmas?” lol
kitten, that is SO cute about your bf and the kittehs!
“and women need to hold a higher standard to their significant others to be a better parent. ”
Let the choir say Amen to that. As women we set the standard when it comes to raising kids.
My husband wasn’t good at the housework bit but he’s always been good with kids. It took time but now he knows my expectations. He pushed me out the door to go for a run last night and I came back a cleaner house despite his broken foot and our three kids. I think a lot of women feel like they have to please their partner and not to be seen as a nag. They have to be the cool wife that doesn’t say anything about their husbands going out every weekend and will make their plate for them.
I guess I like myself too much to put up with that stuff. I think my husband respects me more for it too.
Since we’re giving advice on picking husbands, I want to add that choosing someone you can be friends with is important! You will go through a lot in a marriage, especially if you choose to have children, and the romance will probably gutter and die out, at least for a while. But if you’re friends and love each other, you can work through those times and hopefully find some more romance on the other side.
Great advice. Increasingly I viewed boyfriends through the lens of “what kind of father would he be?” Without telling them, of course. : )
“I would also like to add that women need to know what they should look out for when finding a good father for their kids and not just look out for a hot guy who is pretty ok right now”
but isnt this also a problem? how many of those good fathers are hot? most hot men arent great partners. obviously, we let them get away with way too much. i know there are men who would make fantastic fathers and partners in a relationship but they are also never really physically attractive nor every interesting and exciting. its this having to settle for Mr Safe while you are often around hot guys that i think makes so many relationships so hard. especially for younger generations of women who had access to hot and popular guys through the hook up culture which wasnt the case for older generations as much as its now.
i also dont know any woman who is aroused by the thought of such a man.
here is an article about it, its not really a rare phenomenon:
http://www.nytimes.com/2014/02/09/magazine/does-a-more-equal-marriage-mean-less-sex.html
i guess in some way we are headed to just a role reversal in straight relationships:
http://nymag.com/betamale/2016/05/women-are-now-cheating-as-much-as-men-but-with-fewer-consequences.html?mid=twitter_nymag
its funny if you think about it that its now the men who are begging their cheating wives and girlfriends to stay.
I have seen a lot of articles and -many research are coming out backing this theory
“Specifically, if men did all of what the researchers characterized as feminine chores like folding laundry, cooking or vacuuming — the kinds of things many women say they want their husbands to do — then couples had sex 1.5 fewer times per month than those with husbands who did what were considered masculine chores, like taking out the trash or fixing the car.”
As women we might be saying one thing and wishing something else unconsciously.
http://www.npr.org/2015/02/08/384695833/what-happens-when-wives-earn-more-than-husbands
I’ve seen an article about a study that says the opposite- that men who did more chores have more frequent and better sex. But I’m unable to pull up the studies to compare them. Personally, I have found that our sex improved because I’m not angry or resentful. I don’t respect men that don’t help with the kids or around their own house. If my husband didn’t help out I would feel like he didn’t respect me or appreciate everything I do. To me, there’s nothing more attractive than a good husband and father. It doesn’t matter how hot you are, that gets old, but the resentment from being married to a man child stays. My husband gets a lot of compliments from other women (he can’t take our three kids shopping without being treated like a unicorn) and the fact that other women find him desirable makes him more desirable to me.
I didn’t like the example provided in the link about the woman not wanting to have sex because her husband threw his clothes on the floor and didn’t vacuum. You’re aroused by the sight of your husband after a gym session, get you some girl, he can clean up after.
Personally, I think the whole “hot men are a**holes” myth is just as damaging (and every bit as much a MYTH) as “hot women are stupid”.
It’s a f***ing cliché, and it is a lie. It is a lie that the hot a**holes like to promote because it makes life easier for them.
My boyfriend is very handsome. He’s also the kindest, goofiest, most loving, and emotionally smartest man I’ve ever been with. It took me some time to get behind the above-stated cliché as well. In my twenties, I took it for gospel, and I settled for men I didn’t find attractive (only to figure out that they were a**holes nonetheless, I was highly insecure until I hit 29 and didn’t yet respect myself, different story). Then, at some point, I decided to never EVER settle. I would either die single, or I would be with a man whom I was attracted to AND who was a good partner. I found him way earlier than I expected.
He asked for my number the very day I realised: I love myself.
“Men don’t have to balance anything.” Ain’t that the truth. Although I think the younger generation of men might be changing that a bit. LOVE Flotus. I will miss her more than her husband even though I liked Obama.
I honestly love the First Lady!!! She is so educated, funny, charming, caring, she’s everything positive! I’m terrified for our country and I want her to run for President! Make women’s issues important. America is so behind the rest of the world in maturnity and paternity leave!!!!!! I know some moms who only got 4 weeks off, non paid, or they would lose their job. Or some moms who had no time off, and had to use sick days, vacation days, and a few personal day in order to give birth. We need a woman in the office who will make women and children a priority in this world!!!! Education IS important!!!!!
The babysitting comments annoy me, but not as much as men that don’t help out at all. I don’t respect them and I feel bad for their wives. I don’t know how the women married to these man children do it because it would fill me with rage and resentment.
I don’t understand how women stay with men who do nothing either. Growing up, my dad always helped out even though he worked full-time and my mom was a SAHM. He would do the dishes or cook dinner, vacuum, whatever. Now that he’s retired he basically does all the cooking, the dishes, and a good portion of the cleaning (at least the part that my mom lets him clean-she’s picky!) but that’s the kind of dad behavior that was modeled to me growing up, so I definitely expect the same in a partner.
It’s good that your girls are seeing that in their father. When they’re adults, they’ll expect the same level of equal partnership in their mate.
Stay at home mom? So an unemployed mother?
So he worked all say and came home and did the housework? Doesn’t sound like an equal partnership to me.
Sounds frustrating for your father.
you know what’s really frustrating? when people totally misinterpret someone else’s words, or make blanket assumptions based on them.
I was a SAHM for 6 months waiting to start work. I handled the vast majority of the housework and child rearing because I was there, but he still helped out. He was never frustrated and he always told me how awesome of a wife and mother I am. I think it’s weird how people think that just because someone works doesn’t mean they should have to do anything around the house. How did these men survive before they got married? I mean, they had to do their own laundry, clean their own house, cook their own dinners and make sure the bills were paid on time.
Now we both work and we both have to come home and take care of business and we have survived. He actually misses me being a SAHM.
I totally agree with you about your dad being a good example of what to look for in a partner. I think about that a lot with my girls and how my son will know how to be a good partner.
I need advice, y’all. How do I prevent my man from becoming one of those men who thinks his only responsibilities are his job, and I need to do the rest? We’ve been together for some time now and are moving toward a more committed relationship and possibly marriage. I can’t be the woman who does EVERYTHING. What should I do?
You need to set boundaries and expectations, and you need to set them as soon as this starts looking like a serious relationship. That’s not to say you have to talk about kids, but start defining your boundaries and expectations early on. Once it’s engagement time, you have to get explicit-don’t assume everything is going to work itself out. If you’re going to stay home once you have kids, you need to set the expectations of what that will be like and how your contributions will be valued. If you’re going to work (I’m the primary, but not sole, breadwinner in my house) you need to set the expectations of who will do what within your home. I would also suggest living together (my mama just gasped and clutched her pearls in horror). I lived with my husband for about 6 months before we got married and it was eye-opening. I had never lived with anyone before, and had never owned a home before, so it was kind of a shock to learn everything.
My husband came to our marriage as a fully functional, adult feminist, but we still had to set boundaries and expectations. Communication is key. We identified early on that my job was going to be priority, and consequently have moved twice (much to his mother’s chagrin) for me to have opportunities for growth. We figured out that I love to cook and the kitchen is my domain, which also means I’m going to buy groceries, but that neither of us like to clean or cut grass, so it was worth it to hire a housekeeper and a yard guy. We also figured out that he genuinely loves and cares about taking care of our home and cars, so he was going to be responsible for making sure everything was well-maintained. You have to determine what’s going to be a financial priority, what your child-rearing obligations are each going to be, etc. One final piece of advice…if it works out, and you have kids, and it’s financially feasible, see if your husband can stay home for a few months. My husband stayed home with our son after I went back to work, and that pretty much cured any ideas he had about who was going to be the “caregiver” and whether or not he was a “babysitter” at any time. (Not that he would have been that kinda guy, cuz he’s freakin’ amazing, but just in case, it really strengthened him as a caregiver.)
I keep adding shiz because I have such strong feelings about this. Engagement time is very romantic and fluffy and “la la la” and it’s easy to get lost in the romanticism, but you’ve got to have some hard truths addressed as well. I’m a very practical person (my husband is the romantic), but even I had to occasionally re-ground myself instead of floating off into the clouds. I think pre-marital counseling conducted by religious organizations is mostly bullshit, but some of the ideas are realistic-being open about your dreams and expectations. Not the fluffy stuff but the hard truth-what if I gain a bunch of weight during pregnancy and I can’t lose it as fast as I want. Are you still going to love me and want me? What if I become disabled? What if my parents lose everything and need to move in with us? I’m not saying you have to address every bizarre scenario that comes up, but literally, the three I just addressed have happened to me , or someone I know well. (damn baby weight-I’m still calling it that, even though I’m now on baby number two). How many kids do you think we should have? How do you feel about pets? Who likes to cook? Who likes to clean (these people exist, I swear, but they’re like unicorns)? Who will make sure the oil gets changed and the trash is out and the yard is mowed, and the groceries are bought, and the dog is walked, and the list goes on and on and on…
Edited to ADD one MORE comment: Congratulations on maybe, possibly, finding the GUY for YOU! That’s awesome, and it’s amazing, and being in love and married is truly the most fun, wild, adventure you can go on. My husband makes me laugh (literally, belly laugh and giggle) all the time, and he’s so smart and fun and funny and adorable and sexy and looks like Daniel Craig with Patrick Dempsey’s hair…I don’t want to take away from all the wonderful things, but I do want to ensure, that since you asked, that you get an answer grounded in reality.
LizLemon, I love you for every word you just said. If things even start to look serious, talk about the hard stuff, the not-sexy stuff, the uncomfortable stuff. Because it DOES matter. And you may not learn it from experience until many years into the relationship.
Start now – do not delay! LizLemon gives great advice, and it’s crucial before ‘tying the knot’ to see if your fiance is even willing to discuss and negotiate everything about sharing a household and finances. When someone says, “We’ll work it out later” or “Why do we have to talk about it?” – that’s a warning sign. Negotiation is part and parcel of any relationship or partnership and it’s not a dirty word. Households and finances do not run themselves. Also, see if he brings this up himself. What are his assumptions? What are his expectations? You can request that he structure the discussions … why is it your job to make this happen?
In my generation, men were a little behind the feminist curve — old enough to have been raised expecting women to do more, young enough to be just a little embarrassed about it. And sometimes smart enough to try to manipulate their way through the contradiction. And still earning higher wages, which feeds into that mental calculation as if they “do more” at work (they don’t) so they can “do less” at home.
So do start now and don’t be so quick to compromise, because “shit rolls downhill” and you could find yourself agreeing to take on more than you can handle without realizing it.
Also, it takes time to figure out “who’s good at what.” So that early negotiation is partly a “getting to know you” and “getting to know myself” in terms of who is better at day to day, rote stuff, who is a better project manager, who takes more initiative, who takes instruction well — all the same kinds of things you find out on the job, applied to household management. Start with the things you each LIKE to do, because that is motivating, and then address the rest (toilets, bills, whatever). And try cross-training (if someone vanished, what would the other person do?), setting up the “emergency stuff” first together (wills, powers of attorney etc) to get that out of the way, and periodically switching roles. People change, and sometimes they need a change too. But never negotiate the fact that both of you must both be involved – that is non-negotiable.
Preach it, my friend!
Look who’s talking, Lizzie!
And what I will add (not as eloquently as LizLemon…) is that if you get this stuff taken care of, it frees your time and energy for more time together that’s fun. It makes your home a more pleasant place to be, too, and increases your odds of smart money management. These are strong selling points for getting someone to the negotiating table.
INeedANap, this sounds harsh, but if he exhibits that kind of behavior now, don’t marry him. I’m not saying he does, because I couldn’t tell from your post, but there’s nothing you can do to change a taker to a giver. We want to make everything romantic and love conquers all, but my advice is to marry a man who already knows that you shouldn’t have to do everything.
You ladies have all given me wonderful advice and I am so grateful. I actually moved all this to a document and printed it out.
So far he seems helpful and he definitely passes the pet test. Our big thing is that neither one of us likes cleaning so we chip in to pay for a cleaning lady.
I am mostly worried about kids — he really wants them but I think he has a romantic “dad-version” view of childcare that excludes all the day-to-day details. I want to borrow a friend’s baby for the day and see how he does.
Thank you again, I needed some straight advice. <3
ETA: I hate to be so crass, but it helps that I make significantly more than him and likely always will, so he can’t come at me with that.
Sounds nice. If he really wants kids, and he’s open about it, then there’s your ongoing opportunity to talk about how exactly those children are going to be raised. Childcare is nothing but day to day details. Sometimes you can also toss out all kinds of scenarios for all ages of kids to see how you both might want to handle things: “What if I’m on a business trip and…” “What if we have a time conflict when…” “How will we handle it when someone gets sick…” “What about after-school time and activities?” “Who will schedule the doctor, dentist, orthodontist…and take them?” “How do you want to hold birthday parties?” “Who buys the presents for their friends?” and on and on and on. Oh – and “What if we can’t afford a cleaning lady? What would we do then?”
Wow. I didn’t really know her, but now I’m in love. Just. Wow.
Amen, Michelle, Amen.
Notice how she pointed out she was never abused, and how that is rare, and what a difference that made. Talk about keeping it real.
I’ve always envied her a little because her husband is so damn hot! I love the way he swaggers when he walks.
I think a lot of men feel the same way about him, because she’s so darn hot, too. They make a beautiful, visually well-suited couple, both tall and lanky, yet athletic. And they both have killer smiles.
This country needs this woman. I have so much admiration for her.
Nothing much to add to you smart ladies, but just wanted to chime in on the MObama love! I admire her so much
Such a class act. I will miss Michelle as The First Lady. Keep talking truths. We love you!
What else can I add? Michelle Obama is a class act, and will be sorely missed, as will be POTUS. Would not mind a third term!
FLOTUS brought it.Yasss!!
She’s glorious and gorgeous. I still lie to myself that me and me are friends. We’re more like frenemies :D.
But she (and her husband) are class acts. What awaits at the end of their term is the stuff of nightmares.
God, how I love this woman. & her husband 🙂
I’m going to miss them over this side of the pond – can the Obamas be the new Royal Family please?
I am so mourning the end of the Obama era.
Me too. I’ve been loving how progressive the USA has becoming. If trump gets elected, it will be a major step back.
I’m going to miss her. She’s a smart and classy lady. Why can’t she be running for president? She’d have my vote in a heartbeat.
One thing I’d lack to add – sometimes new fathers can lack confidence or even feel left out if mom is nursing. This happened with my cousin who nursed, and whose mother stayed with them after the birth. But she was aware, and worked to increase her husband’s confidence. During his first diaper change, she made sure the baby was recently fed, and had his pacifier, so dad wouldn’t get nervous or feel he messed up. She would point out things like how the baby responded to dad’s voice, and how he got excited when daddy got home. He ended up being a wonderful and involved dad. Even though she was a SAHM, the minute he walked in the door, he was on daddy duty. He also washed any stray dish in the sink, etc. Just an all around great dad. And of course they’re now divorced. But not before their two children were older.
Gosh I miss her already too. Everything she says is just SOLID. 100% right and to the point – no bs. I love her. She’s a good person and a great role model. As much as I like the Clintons (don’t shoot me) Bill ain’t going to do that for me. lol
Amen to that sista!
Can anyone educate me – if Hillary is elected, will Bill simply be referred to as ‘Former President…’ or does he get a title too like ‘First Gentleman of the US’?
There is no precedent for this situation – I’d be upset if there was no corresponding male title.