Colton Hayes came out of the closet publicly earlier this year. It wasn’t any surprise to people who knew him or to people who followed his modeling career. But Colton did “hide” his sexuality as he became famous in Hollywood, and that led to severe anxiety problems and health issues. After taking a big break and going through months of therapy, Colton seems to be in a better place. He covers the new issue of Out Magazine and the interview is the best I’ve seen from him. He talks about his late father (it’s a really sad story), why he hid his sexuality in his early years, and more. You can read the full piece here. Some highlights:

Why he hid his sexuality: “I feel really bad that I had to lie for so long. But I was told that was the only way I was going to be successful. When you’re young in this industry, people take advantage of you, and they literally tell you that your dreams are going to come true. If you believe that, you’ll do anything. And you do believe it, especially if you’re from Kansas.”

Coming out when he was young & his father’s reaction: He was there when an estranged relative called to tell him that his father, William, had committed suicide by swallowing roughly 40 oxycodone pills. “I’m the last person in the world who would say, ‘Oh, my dad—pity me,’” says Haynes, whose father, seven times married, split from Dana and was never close with him. “But I was told that my dad killed himself because he found out I was gay. So, of course, I lost it and was like, ‘How could you say something like that?’ And no one will ever really know the truth. But my brother and my mom went to pick up my dad’s stuff, and the only picture on his fridge was my eighth-grade graduation picture. So I was just like, F–k.”

Why he tried to wipe away his “gay photoshoot” with XY: “I looked like I was f–king gay-bashing. Like I hated myself or I hated the gays, which was never the intention at all. I was just young and trying to make it in this town and doing what these people were telling me to do.”

He’s sort of celibate these days: “I haven’t had sex in—I couldn’t tell you how long,” says Haynes, noting that he’s been burned by love, that he’s been shy and reclusive, and that he’s been on two dates in two years. “I wish had more to tell you, but it just doesn’t happen.”

His ideal man: John Cena, Idris Elba, and Ryan Reynolds. “Someone who just descended from a mountain and said, ‘I don’t have any friends. Would you like to come live with me?’ I’d love that,” he says. But just as he doesn’t want to rush into trying to be a gay spokesman before properly educating himself, Haynes says that, next time, he wants to do the relationship thing right. He wants kids. Six of them. And maybe he won’t have to raise them alone. “I want to somehow have a happy ending,” he says. “Or a happy beginning.”

[From Out Magazine]

Colton also took a huge swipe right back at Noah Galvin, who stepped in major dog s—t a few months back. Galvin called out Colton’s “coming out” interview as not-good-enough, etc. Galvin later apologized, but Colton is still pissed about it, as is his right. What Noah Galvin said was so inappropriate and, like, gay-policing. There’s no one right way to come out and every person has to choose for themselves.

As for Colton’s story about his father… Jesus, can people NOT tell impressionable teenage kids that they are “the reason” why someone committed suicide? For the love of God.

Photos courtesy of Out Magazine.