People Magazine’s cover story this week is a bizarre look at all the former Bachelorette contestants who are now new moms. It’s hard to know People’s motivation for running this particular cover, although I’ve felt that way about a lot of People covers over the years. It’s probably a cross promotional deal with the Bachelor/Bachelorette franchise and also it must appeal to new moms and moms in general. Just reading Jillian Harris’s story, about the mom guilt she’s had as the mother to newborn son Leo, eight months, brought back so many memories of how bittersweet that time was, and how fleeting.
Jillian and five other Bachelorettes, including DeAnna Pappas, Ali Fedotowski and Ashley Hebert, were interviewed by People and there’s a video up on their site. This particular question was about mom guilt and mom shaming, and it’s relevant now in the age of social media, where these women are public figures sharing their lives to further their careers. They get a lot of bullsh-t comments on Instagram and Twitter directed at their parenting. Watching the panel video made me remember how isolating it was to be a new mom, and what a refuge La Leche League was, where I could connect with other moms of newborns. The bachelorettes seemed relieved to be able to talk about their experiences with their babies. Here’s some of what Jillian Harris told People:
“I think that everybody gets mom guilt, and as females out there, I’m sure we’re all so hard on ourselves,” the former Bachelorette tells PEOPLE in an exclusive interview for this week’s issue that also includes show alums DeAnna Pappas Stagliano (season 4), Ali Fedotowsky-Manno (season 6), Ashley Hebert Rosenbaum (season 7), Emily Maynard Johnson (season 8) and Desiree Hartsock Siegfried (season 9) — all who welcomed babies in 2016.
“Should I work? How much should I work? Do I leave him with a nanny? Do I don’t?” continues Harris, 37, who appeared on The Bachelorette season 5 and now works as an interior designer and the host of Love It or List It Vancouver.
“I feel like one of the things I always worried about is what kind of energy would I have around him,” Harris continues. “I know that he senses that energy and I think, for the most part, if I’ve ever had a bad day or frustrating day or if I’m sad, I feel like I’ve been strong for him so far. I know that there’s going to be a day where I break down and he’s going to have to witness that.”
The mom of one — who got engaged to Leo’s dad Justin Pasutto, 29, on Christmas Day — admits that even though she has come to terms with the fact that she is only human, she still carries the weight of one particular instance that she does “feel very guilty about.”
“He was probably 10 days old and we were at our Vancouver house setting up the nursery and I had him in one of those little like bouncy chairs. And he was sleeping. And I didn’t strap him in because I didn’t want him to wake up,” she recalls.
“I went downstairs to grab some laundry and we heard some crying upstairs and we ran upstairs, and he had slid out and rolled over,” Harris continues. “And that’s before we even started him on tummy time or anything. It had maybe been like five seconds, but Justin was like, ‘Jillian! Why didn’t you strap him in?’
Harris explains that she deals with her fair share of mom shaming, too (“If one more person tells me that the Sophie Giraffe gets black mold everywhere, ” she jokes). But some of the cry-inducing emotions she feels are completely because of just how much she loves her son.
“The other night … I was kind of lying there watching [Leo] while he was sleeping, and then he opened his eyes and just stared at me … and looked at me like, ‘I love you,’ ” she says. “Tears just started pouring down my face and there was nobody to share that with, it was just him and [me].”
So many moms have stories like the one she told about her son falling out of his chair. When my son was three months old he fell asleep on the bed with my husband when we were visiting my parents. Their bed was higher off the ground than ours – and he promptly tumbled off it. I was mortified and so worried and I still think of it. During the toddler years he got goose egg size bumps on his head more than once. It’s a pain in the ass to be a mom and as rewarding as it is at times the difficult moments can be hard to take. I really like what Jillian said about being conscious of the energy she’s putting out around her kid. This is true for me still and my son is a tween. Plus his own mood affects mine so much.
Also that Sophie Girafffe thing that Jillian mentions is a teething toy which apparently is hollow inside and can collect mold. I was reading the reviews on Amazon and there are photos where parents cut the thing open to show the mold inside. Ew.
THIS EASTER PHOTO!!
I really like those overalls in the last pic..
they’re from urban outfitters apparently…she’s repping them
I just don’t get complaining about a bunch of strangers judging you when you purposely put your life out there with the knowledge that being judged is par the course for social media. It’s not like social media is this new thing, it’s been going on for a while now and everyone should know how it works.
And if they absolutely have to give their privacy up for their careers why not modify their social media experience. I don’t know about twitter, but you can turn off the comments on instagram. Or one can use a little thing called willpower and just not read the comments left behind since there is a very high probability of some troll leaving a crappy comment that will get these women in their feelings. This goes for anyone on SM not just these people.
So happily ever after is only when you get married and have a baby? Would’ve been nice if they included some of the bachelorettes who are still single and happy, but I guess women aren’t truly happy or fulfilled that way right? 😉😉
Edit-her son is adorable! Those moments do go so damn quickly, I’d give anything to go back to those crazy first few years and soak it up more:(
Thanks for putting into words what I could not. I couldn’t figure out why this feature rubbed me sooo the wrong way. It’s like… look at us, we are successful!! We have reproduced! Three cheers for white toddler moms who got famous for group-dating!
Thank you. It’s like we’re back to 1817 when women’s only role was to get married and have their husband’s children — not their own.
It reminds me of the anti-suffrage cartoons back in the day. You are either striving for a man and a baby and an apron or else there’s something wrong with you.
I can’t even say I am annoyed about this as a lesbian because I am surrounded by so many straight women who are being guilt tripped by their families about not getting married and giving them grandchildren.
Thank you! Since my engagement ended two years ago, I have gotten this b.s. so much. “You’ll get your happily ever after, you’ll find the right one” blah blah. I’m like, maybe the right one is ME and this is my happily ever after. I finally did tell my mom that honestly, I’m not sure I’m meant to be in a relationship and I’m okay with that now. Maybe my happily ever after was getting my real estate license, figuring out what kind of book I want to write, homeschooling my little son and roommating with my grown-up son. Yeah. But somehow women aren’t complete unless they’re in a relationship – that’s always the narrative. And buying into that narrative has pushed me into a lot of crappy relationships LOL
Wow! I just told my mom the same thing. I was like this is it mom! I’m happy now and maybe that’s all there is to this life for me. No grand finally with the man of my dreams, which, by the way I have never been able to visualize. So much for the SECRET and the power of visualization. I simply want to meet my own goals, finish this degree, buy a house and get my 15 year old into Yale (her dream, not mine), and keep the 6 year old I’m currently fostering from self-destructing after years of neglect from his bio-family. I have plenty to keep me busy.
Jillian was my fave bachelorette <3 <3.
This is a horrible headline. I have no idea who any of these people are.
I couldn’t have needed this post more. On Friday, my 3 month old son fell out of his bouncy chair face first onto the floor, a 2-3 ft drop (he was strapped in, but it only buckles at the waist). He cried a bit and was smiling soon after, but we rushed him to the hospital, just in case. He checked out well and doesn’t have a mark on him, but I am still having flashbacks and panic attacks about it non-stop…there is a constant loop of what-ifs in my mind that I can’t seem to shake. Mom guilt is real. It’s a teensy bit comforting knowing I’m not alone.
My mom STILL talks about the time she set my seat on the kitchen island for a moment on her way out the door, then turned around to see me dangling over the kitchen floor by my foot being tangled up in the strap, and it’s about 30 years later…happens to everyone! The first time my daughter slipped out of her seat, I was in tears, but no one should be that hard on themselves. Glad your little one is OK and try to be kind to yourself, we’ve all been there!
The handle of my bassinet slipped and my 3 week old daughter fell out, rolled down some concrete steps. She was fine. A few months later, she catapulted out of her car seat, which was on the kitchen table, and landed on the floor. Never occurred to me to buckle her in. She was fine.
Then, rolling down a hill, she dislocated her elbow. Off we went to the hospital, and she was fine.
Then she fell off her bike and needed stitches on her knee, only we didn’t know it was that bad a cut, so now she has a scar. She’s still fine.
My son, when he was 2, was running through the house, tripped and needed 3 stitches on his wee chin. That was not fine, but now he is fine and dandy. He also rolled down the stairs at some point, bounced up and went running off. He is still fine.
That’s the the beginning list of the horrible things my kids have had happen to them.
Our kiddo fell out of his high chair when I took the tray off and turned to set it on the table. He also fell out of our bed twice! It happens. Anyone who pretends they are a perfect parent is lying! 🙂
No she is not pimping out her kid on Instagram with a box of juice…smh
I wasn’t sure I could read this post. This morning a toddler fell head first out of a shopping cart near me at the market. The mom eventually left for the doctor’s when he wouldn’t stop screaming. I’m a mom and it all just broke me down. I bawled up and down the aisles. Motherhood has triggered new levels of guilt and worry and vulnerability for me, even when it’s others’ children. Oh and PSA: I now really really know why they tell you to never let your kids sit in the main part of a shopping cart. I’m sure she never will again.
Oh, Lexie, EVERY time I see a toddler / preschooler standing up in a cart I have an immediate mental image of him/her falling three feet and sustaining a head injury and sometimes I have to look away, while at other times, have to stop myself for lurching over to stop a fall. I have never actually seen one, thank god, and like you, I know it would tear me to shreds.
Isn’t she an HGTV host? The second iteration of Love It or List it?