You know what Gwyneth Paltrow needs to be criticized about? No, not the fact that she’s “considered beautiful,” and beautiful, thin, white women have it so much harder than uggos and fatties. We already yelled at her about that. Most people give Gwyneth a pass for saying wildly different sh-t about her diet and exercise regimen depending on what outlet she’s speaking to. She either gorges on French fries and dirty martinis regularly, or she regularly goes on seven-week goat-milk-only cleanses. She either works out when she can and never when she’s traveling or on vacation, or she’s an anal-retentive exercise obsessive who devotes three hours a day to fitness like clockwork. She honestly says different sh-t every month. So it is with her new interview with Australian Women’s Health. You know what this cover looks like? It looks like Gwyneth borrowed her daughter’s gym clothes and was like “OMG they fit!” Some highlights from the interview:

When she feels her best: “I like feeling good, and I know I feel my best when I exercise. But it depends on the day — I definitely don’t always feel like doing it. I’ve made it a habit, just like brushing your teeth. That’s how you have to look at it.”

Her business partner: “I’ve been a Tracy Anderson fanatic for over a decade, I’m an investor in her company, so yeah, I go [to the gym] every morning. I drop the kids at school, work out, go to work. I’ve been supplementing it a bit with lifting heavier weights lately, to deal with some lower-back-pain issues. You can’t bottle a great workout.”

She says words about modalities: “I’m really interested in the impact of heavy metals and parasites on our bodies. I think they’re two of the biggest culprits in terms of why we feel bad. I’m knee-deep in figuring out ways to clear them from the body, looking at all sorts of potentially weird modalities.”

So humble-braggy, much wellness: “When you’re at the forefront of something that’s new, people can get really reactive: ‘This is crazy! Why are you doing this?’ Then, five years later, everyone’s fine with it. Also, when someone doesn’t like something you do, or doesn’t share your interest in something, that doesn’t have anything to do with you. It’s a blessing to be liberated from the chains of other people’s perceptions of you. It’s part of wellness, working at that. I’ve gotten to a point where I like myself. I do my best as a person. I also have nothing to hide.”

[From Us Weekly]

As we now know, Gwyneth is all about “wellness” now. She’s even doing a print magazine about wellness, because (as I keep saying) she knows from first-hand experience that wealthy white women will literally buy anything. If you genuinely have concerns about parasites, health and heavy metals, then by all means, consult your physician. But please don’t go to Gwyneth Paltrow and expect her to fix you. Gwyneth is not your girlfriend. She is trying to sell you some hokey fake-holistic sh-t. As for having nothing to hide… girl, I see you. I remember what happened when you got with your current boyfriend when you were both still married. You have sh-t to hide.

As if on cue, Goop.com published an article called (I sh-t you not) “It’s Not Your Fault You’re a Narcissist.” Who’s fault is it? Mommy and daddy. Mommy and daddy complimented you too much and didn’t give you proper boundaries. This explains so much about Gwyneth.

Cover courtesy of Women’s Health Australia, photos courtesy of WENN.