There are few things Paris Hilton naturally does well, apart from standing, wagging her one wonky eye at us, and exhaling in disgust. But one of the very few things Paris naturally does well is bring the drama. Professional soap opera writers do not know how to bring the drama like Paris. And to top that off, no one knows how to make sure an event never gets too classy like Paris. Or anyone who chooses to bring Paris to an event. Given all that, it’s surprising many guys would be willing to deal with her for long. Sure her body is okay but you’ve still got to deal with the face – and that’s in addition to all of her lovely personality “quirks.”

Everyone’s been wondering what went down between Paris and ex-boyfriend Doug Reinhardt that lead to their breakup the other night. Naturally we assumed Paris and her wandering herpes felt the irrepressible urge to move onwards. But apparently it was a bit more dramatic – surprise! – than that. And naturally involved fruit and ice thrown at a former beauty queen. As most rational breakups do.

PARIS Hilton and Doug Reinhardt broke up Tuesday night after the heir-head made a huge scene at the Darkroom club in Los Angeles by hurling fruit and ice cubes at a younger, hotter blonde. According to a spokesperson for Texas beauty queen Kendhal Beal, Paris went into “a tirade” because Beal was partying with Reinhardt, Hilton’s beau of six months. The rep told us, “Kendhal and a friend of hers ended up at Darkroom, where Doug and Brody Jenner were hanging out.” Beal and Jenner have been reported to be dating on and off since last year.

“Kendhal knows Brody and Doug, and so they were talking and catching up. They all took a shot and were watching the Lakers game,” said the rep. “But Paris got word that Doug was at the bar, and she showed up and started going at it.” Beal’s rep told Page Six, “Paris was picking up ice and fruit and throwing it at Kendhal — she was the victim. Kendhal did nothing offensive or aggressive. Paris was throwing accusations, calling her names. It was the same thing you always hear about Paris and her tirades.”

[From Page Six]

I’d want to throw fruit at a girl named Kendall if she spelled her name Kendhal to. Try saying that without coming off all breathy, haughty, and sorta “I’m going to blow my stank breath all over you.” Yep, can’t be done. Never thought I’d agree with Paris on anything until now.

According to Page Six and just about every other gossip site on the face of the planet, Paris – never one to stay in for a night moping over a guy when she could go out and get under another guy – hooked up with Madrid Real soccer star Cristiano Ronaldo, and everyone is all atwitter about it.

CHAMPAGNE-swilling RONALDO celebrates his £80million transfer by sharing a raunchy night with PARIS HILTON… The winking winger, 24, kissed and cuddled the 28- year-old socialite in a Hollywood club before they headed to her sister’s home.. A clubber who witnessed their frolicking said: “They were sucking each other’s faces off like their plane was going down.

“At one point Ronaldo had a bottle between his legs and Paris was stroking it. It was very racy.” The pair were united in Hollywood’s posh My House nightspot as news broke that Man Utd had accepted the mega-offer for Ronaldo from Spanish giants Real Madrid… After sharing steamy cuddles and expensive champagne for two hours, Paris headed to sister NICKY’s home in the Hollywood Hills at 2.05am.

Ronaldo, 24, joined her there an hour later after a brief stopover at his hotel. He left at 5am with a broad grin plastered across his face. Paris, 28, last night confirmed she and the Portuguese wonder winger – now the world’s most expensive player – were an item. She told a pal: “He’s hot, a real athlete – and the chemistry between us was electric.” But in a withering put-down last night, Paris told a friend: “Cristiano’s much better than my ex. He was nothing but a low-paid minor league baseball player.”

Ronaldo is on holiday in California after Manchester United’s season ended in Premier League glory and Champions League defeat. Paris tried to pull him at the same time a year ago, thrusting herself at him in LA club Villa.

On that occasion the player knocked her back. But he never fell off her radar. And a pal said: “She was determined to get her man this time. And what Paris wants, Paris gets… She has been telling anyone who will listen that Ronaldo is the hottest thing she has ever seen… She thinks he is sexy and exotic, and loves his body. And she loves men with accents. She says it’s like an aphrodisiac.”

[From the Sun]

There are more disgustingly specific details but I just can’t stomach them anymore. Look Ronaldo, I don’t follow the sports as well as I should. They all blend into one dull game of balls and nets to me. But I know this much: rampant syphilis can knock any man off his game. I don’t care what you’ve got going for you – money, fame, chicks, whatever. If you’re carrying around an entire Planned Parenthood’s worth of Paris Hilton-strain STDs, stuff’s going to start turning badly for you. Quickly. Even a year ago, you had the sense to tell that ho to take a hike. Now you get $80 and this is the time you settle? Really? Clearly money can’t buy taste. And according to these pictures on TMZ, Ronaldo doesn’t look like he’s all that into Paris’ business anyway.

This is such a cliché, but I really was eating my lunch when I started reading these stories. Let me tell you: two things will do wonders for your diet. Watching any kind of surgery on TLC and/or reading about Paris Hilton’s love life. I really think her tongue has been taken over by that bursting-alien-baby thing from “Alien.” It seems to be leading first and she’s just following.

Men of… well the whole world, to play it safe – Men of the world! Be on alert! There is a disgusting, germ-filled trollip on the loose! She wants your wallet and your crotch! If you’ve had enough to drink, it might not seem like the worst idea ever. But in two months when she’s flatly telling David Letterman about how much you want to marry her, you WILL regret it. No man is safe. The entire human race should feel uneasy until Paris Hilton is either locked up or gets married.

Here are Paris and Nicky leaving My House nightclub while holding hands on Wednesday. Images thanks to WENN.com . Ronaldo is shown leaving after the Hiltons. Images thanks to BauerGriffinOnline.