Anthony Bourdain is currently dating Asia Argento, one of the first women to come out publicly and talk about what Harvey Weinstein did to her. Bourdain has been a vocal advocate for his girlfriend, and he’s been on Twitter, yelling at anyone and everyone who ever made excuses for Harvey Weinstein. I haven’t covered that aspect of the story that much, because A) I thought Bourdain was just trying to be a supportive boyfriend and B) I thought he was getting a little bit too “they’re the problem, don’t look at me!” about it. Especially given Bourdain’s own reputation as a gigantic a–hole. Granted, we’re not hearing stories about Bourdain sexually assaulting women. But I guarantee that there are dozens of women in Bourdain’s past who felt harassed, demeaned and belittled by Bourdain or by people around Bourdain while he stood there and did and said nothing. Bourdain even admits as much. and all of that has caused some self-examination by Bourdain. He sat down with Slate to talk about it:
Self-examination: “I mean, look, obviously I’ve been seeing up close—due to a personal relationship—the difficulty of speaking out about these things, and the kind of vilification and humiliation and risk and pain and terror that come with speaking out about this kind of thing. That certainly brought it home in a personal way that, to my discredit, it might not have before. There’s that. And I’m angry and I’ve seen it up close and I’ve been hearing firsthand from a lot of women. Also, I guess I’m looking back on my own life. I’m looking back on my own career and before, and for all these years women did not speak to me. I’ve been out of the restaurant business for 17, 18 years. I’m really not in the mix. Just the same: Other than one woman chef restauranteur friend from Canada, nobody has really been speaking to me about this until recently. I guess because of the Weinstein case I’m starting to hear personal stories from a lot of women.
What he’s hearing from women: “Just personal stories, things that they’ve heard, things that have happened to them. But I had to ask myself, particularly given some things that I’m hearing, and the people I’m hearing them about: Why was I not the sort of person, or why was I not seen as the sort of person, that these women could feel comfortable confiding in? I see this as a personal failing. I’ve been hearing a lot of really bad sh-t, frankly, and in many cases it’s like, wow, I’ve known some of these women and I’ve known women who’ve had stories like this for years and they’ve said nothing to me. What is wrong with me? What have I, how have I presented myself in such a way as to not give confidence, or why was I not the sort of person people would see as a natural ally here? So I started looking at that.
Providing cover for meatheads: “I’ve had to ask myself, and I have been for some time, “To what extent in that book [Kitchen Confidential] did I provide validation to meatheads?” If you read the book, there’s a lot of bad language. There’s a lot of sexualization of food. I don’t recall any leeringly or particularly, what’s the word, prurient interest in the book, other than the first scene as a young man watching my chef very happily [have a] consensual encounter with a client. But still, that’s bro culture, that’s meathead culture…Look, I never wanted to be part of bro culture. I was always embarrassed. If I ever found myself, and I mean going way back, with a group of guys and they started leering at women or making, “Hey, look at her. Nice rack,” I was always, I was so uncomfortable. It just felt, it wasn’t an ethical thing; it was that I felt uncomfortable and ashamed to be a man and I felt that everybody involved in this equation was demeaned by the experience. I was demeaned by standing there next to things like this. They were demeaned for behaving like this. It’s like sitting at a table with somebody who’s rude to a waiter. I don’t want to be with someone like that.
He goes on for a long time about the culture in which he was raised, with sexual liberation and everyone being equal and everyone feeling free to get their freak on, and it reminds me a little bit of Harvey Weinstein’s first statement about growing up in the 1960s, with those attitudes. Bourdain is clear that his background doesn’t excuse him, and yet he’s trying to use it as a mitigating factor. It’s a reminder that men in glass houses should be very careful of where they’re throwing stones – Bourdain was so pissed off that so many people around Weinstein were culpable to varying degrees, and now he examining his own history of looking the other way or not saying anything when women were being harassed and degraded right in front of him. I guess it’s a good thing that some men are coming to Jesus on this kind of stuff, but again… it feels like such a low bar is being set for these men.
Also: so many women are now telling Bourdain their stories and all he can do is think about himself and why he has the kind of personality/background which would make women think they can’t trust him or confide him. THAT IS WHY. Because he’s making their stories about himself!
Photos courtesy of WENN.
He is self examining his own history for the better good. That’s a step. I’m not minding this piece at all.
Yeah, I don’t think he’s making it about himself, that’s just the topic at hand: the male perspective and how men enable this behavior. It’s certainly not his place to out the victims he’s speaking of. He can’t tell their stories. He can only tell his own.
If he did try to make this a weepy reflection of how his female associates have suffered, you’d be condemning him as deflecting and being manipulative. This damned if you do, damned if you don’t thing is why men don’t talk about it.
Agreed.
It seems contradictory to expect men to be allies but refuse to allow them to examine how they’ve been wrong in the past.
I don’t see it as him making it about himself. He has been calling men complicit with Weinstein and as a result he’s having to come to terms with his own complicity. You can’t change without examining your own failures.
^^This.^^
Absolutely. I really can’t find anything wrong with what he said. I have read his books, and did not find him disrespectful towards women.
I agree. I’d far rather a man examine his own culpability as a bystander than issue earnest statements that he is sickened by this completely shocking new information and had no idea it was even possible. Without men like Bourdain looking inwards and asking what they could have and should have done better, nothing will change.
Yeah, I can’t find fault with how he’s dealing with this topic. He’s not coming out with the blanket ” I didn’t know” statement. He’s saying why wasn’t I someone who could be turned to.
I completely agree.
Any self examination of faults and behavior is good. It’s progress. And by speaking on it publicly, maybe he makes other guys think about themselves too. This culture isn’t going to change only by women. Men need to be a part of the change too, so let’s not beat down those who are at least trying.
Yep. I see him asking himself the difficult questions all men should be asking: did I support any of this, even tangentially, and why don’t women see me as an ally? Women will confide in men we perceive to be receptive and respectful. If a man realizes (and most don’t/won’t) that he’s not been seen as that kind of a guy, he should be asking why. And be prepared to listen.
Yep. This.
Yeah, I think if things are really going to change in the future, we shouldn’t discourage men from this type of self-examination. Real and lasting change is not just going to come from women speaking out. It’s going to come from men speaking up too.
Agreed! I did this myself, thinking about why I so easily accepted the status quo when I was assaulted myself and was talked out of filing charges. Why did I accept the thought that this was just something you had to put up with as a woman? Things were different and things are rapidly changing. But that is going to mean that most of us were imperfect human beings in the past.
Without introspection there is no change. I’m okay with this.
This is exactly what growth looks like. Looking through your past with a different, new filter, seeing what things stand out, and learning from those.
This is an excellent example of how terrible things can inspire major personal reflection and have major personal growth. Good for him.
Yeah I agree. It feels like he’s really just sort of talking through this and trying to understand it. I think if we criticize and shout down every man who TRIES we will discourage them from trying at all.
I don’t know.
I like to think that probably he is re-examinating his life trying to see if he did something wrong, and I don’t think it’s totally wrong.
If this response is the wrong way for a man to join the conversation, and Matt Damon’s was the wrong way for a man to join the conversation, then what is the right way? Serious question. We need to make room for men who are only just thinking about this for the first time and are trying, and maybe failing, to find the right words, even though their intentions are good. We need as many men on our side as we can find.
Yes. If someone wants to learn to try to be the man you can go talking that person is the one we need.
Thank you, Red Snapper!
I get that this subject and the ensuing stories of other predators have brought back bad memories for many here, including myself, but there has also been an automatic, anti-male theme throughout a lot of these threads. My hope is that it’s temporary, but if the author of this thread can call someone Captain Save a Ho in reaction to a seemingly positive action, what hope can there be for any male, whether they heard rumors but didn’t know anything definitively, can do to participate in making Hollywood better?
Yeah, I would like those males who use slick PR language to mitigate potential image damage to have a seat and listen actively, but ultimately, a dialogue involving both sexes has to happen.
Agreed. There are so many comments about this man saying the wrong thing or that other man not saying enough of the right thing. While I think most of us don’t have the time of day for the men who are deliberately dodging complicity — I applaud any man who makes an honest effort to understand his own behavior and how he fits into the big picture.
For Bourdain, he’s starting to understand that his female friends have lived an entire life of experiences that he was insulated from for reasons he doesn’t yet understand. That’s an honest start.
I also think is he wondering where all the allies for his girlfriend were – and when she shared that most men aren’t often able to relate/aware of/willing to lose their own positions to stand up for a female in a sexual predator situation, he probably wondered if he was that man to others. I do think it is important he make his reflections about himself in this context.
Hahaha yeah he made it all about himself. Sigh.
Look I love Bourdain and I do think he means well here and of course, I am ALL for self-examination from men, particularly on the subject matter of rape and the culture that surrounds it. But men coming out like this just feels so…performative.
Maybe I’m being too harsh but this was kind of my issue with the “me, too” campaign in that it requires women coming forward and saying “hey this happened to me” instead of men coming forward and saying “hey I did this”. It puts the onus on us to once again be the educators, the people who are raising this issue and by extension, obligates us to carry the burden of solving it. At least that seems to be the unspoken expectation.
And I don’t think we can do this alone, but men seeking absolution or wanting us to tell them that it’s ok, to reassure them that they’re one of the “good ones” is fucking exhausting. It also makes them think that they’re exempt from the larger conversation when they are not. They’re still men and they are still a part of this whether they want to be or not.
I forget the French words for it but the French were using # out your pig instead of me too
#BalanceTonPorc . Call him out basically. And yes, porc is pig.
@Mel and @HappyXamp – that’s genius.
Totally agree with everything you said. Unless men step up and take responsibility for their part in creating rape culture, and that includes those so cushioned by their privilege they failed to recognise its existence, nothing will ever change, how can it, they’ll have got off the hook again leaving the victims, women to clear up the mess.
Indeed
ITA. I ended up writing an entire blog post about how “victims are responsible for making you believe their stories of sexual trauma” is NOT a solution. And so much YES to “They’re still men and they are still a part of this whether they want to be or not.” That seems to be what’s hardest for most men to grasp, but it’s the only way the patriarchy gets smashed. The patriarchs have to smash it.
Do you have a link to that blog post, I’d like to read it.
Yeah post that shizz, Shamby!
I would honestly love to share the link, but it’s on my personal website so it would take away my anonyminity here. Sometimes I need this space, full of people that I love so much, but don’t actually know who I am in “real” life. But here’s the meaty stuff~
“The Point is not that an on-duty police officer isolated me and made predatory, sexually-charged comments to me when I was 17 years old. The Point is not that so many women have stories of sexual trauma to tell. The Point is that a man who knows and genuinely cares for me heard one of my stories, and at first he didn’t see what all the fuss was about. The Point is that women are told that we must say “Me too”, outing ourselves and our trauma to the world, in order to help people understand that sexual assault and harassment are major problems. The Point is that it’s not just “Me Too”, it’s all of us, and it was already damn clear that sexual assault and harassment are major problems. The Point is that there’s an entire group of people who never have to think about this, and an entire group of people who must face it every day. The Point is that “victims are responsible for making people believe their stories of sexual trauma” is not a solution.
What is the solution, then? It’s simple, really. If you have never experienced sexual harassment or assault: Listen to victims. Believe them. Say something when you see something. I’ll say it once more for the folks in the back: Listen to victims. Believe them. Say something when you see something.
Another facet of the solution to this problem? Simple, human compassion. Through compassion, we recognize our inextricable and eternal link to one another. When we realize just how interconnected we all are, we begin to see ourselves in the eyes of another. We realize that this is our problem, and it affects us all. The more we practice compassion, the more likely we are to believe someone when they tell us their story of sexual trauma. The more we practice compassion, the less likely we are to traumatize others (through harassment, assault, or otherwise) in the first place. This is why we need Mindful Men in the fight against sexual assault and harassment.”
(I write a Yoga/meditation/mindfulness blog)
@Shambles – that was amazing. Spot on. You out words to the thoughts I’ve been forming around all of this. Just wanted to say thank you for your words.
Shambles, your blog post gave me goosebumps. Of the good kind. I want to put it on flyers and hand them out everywhere. Thank you for sharing that.
I disagree.
For one thing, it’s not his place to speak for Asia and how she’s feeling. However, he can speak for himself. And its a very, very important point that I think you missed: the entire #metoo was about the utter and complete pervasiveness of the mistreatment of women, and that at it’s simply a fact of life of being a woman. Because this was indeed a revelation for Bourdain – even he, an outspoken, liberal guy, was STILL not a safe harbor for women as neither a boss nor a friend. That’s a huge an important lesson, and I for one am not interested in yelling at someone for not having their revelation the right way or using the right words. Because what’s being exposed here is the gap: where even the ‘good’ men have no clue how pervasive the mistreatment of women is. If we want them to show up and wake up, I’m not going to get mad at this stuff.
Wait what? I NEVER said anything about him speaking on behalf of Asia.
Additionally, nowhere in my comment was I “yelling” or “getting mad”. In fact I made it very clear that I support self-examination from men.
My point was that Bourdain wondering why women wouldn’t come to him and confess their intimate stories of sexual assault IS making it about himself, instead of approaching it from HER perspective and trying to understand HER feelings. And if he wasn’t focusing on his own feelings, he’d understand that women often don’t tell ANYONE and it’s not because Bourdain or other men might not be trusted confidantes, but because saying it out loud is painful as fuck and because saying it out loud makes it real. His perceived failure to not be a shoulder to cry on for sexual assault victims has nothing to do with HIM and everything to do with the shame and embarrassment, the self-blame and the sheer disgust that victims feel.
You’re splitting hairs, and yet who else is he supposed to answer the question for? He can only speak for himself.
I understand exactly what you mean. I see it around me with the men I love the most in my life. I do think they are good people with their hearts and minds in the right place.
BUT
This issue confuses them.
In our counseling, I learned even when men aren’t sexist and think of themselves as allies they still don’t understand how patriarchy infects their behavior and attitudes. They can’t be feminist like women are feminists because they aren’t women. The whole time we were embracing feminism, they didn’t look at themselves. Patriarchy is a woman’s problem in their minds, but it isn’t until recently that a tiny fraction of men have begun recognizing it is their problem too. It isn’t even about blame or anger but frustration that they haven’t defined instrumental roles for themselves. I don’t want men bragging about how compassionate they behave about our bodily functions or how supportive they are about our body images. Duh, you should be. I want them not to be complicit and not allow other men to be complicit. Where was the guy who decided to ring the alarm 30 years ago about the Harveys? Men want to be allies on their own terms.
Why does a woman demanding respect, equality, and fairness confuse a romantic relationship? They need to answer those questions and get to work. We can’t drag them into awareness if they aren’t willing to stop living in some fantasyland where everyone is happy because they are content.
So the bar is low because they are behind the freaking curve waking up slowly to the fact that the world already changed but we just want them to get with the program or get out of the way.
Yeah, as a generalization, I don’t think men are really equipped to understand this. That is, the all-pervasive, infuriating, and exhausting experience of being a woman and knowing that you can easily be assaulted or harassed by a man, at any time, anywhere, and there’s not a lot you can do about it. It will almost certainly happen at some point, likely multiple times, no matter how many shady streets you don’t walk down, how many dark parking garages you avoid, or how many cans of pepper spray you carry, all while wearing your “non-slutty” clothes. It gets to the point where oppression is just a horrifyingly banal part of the landscape of being a woman. Why wouldn’t we talk about it with a man? Because some will get angry and want to do something, even though nothing can be done now. Because some will ask tons of questions to try and reason out/parcel out what you could’ve done to avoid the unavoidable. Worst of all, maybe unfairly, because we’ve gotten used to it and don’t have faith that the system will change no matter how many woke baes there are.
While I agree in general, I think maybe this IS a way of saying “hey I did this.”
He may not have assaulted anyone himself, but he’s admitting he sat silently by while others demeaned and harassed women, and that he did not make himself open for women to feel comfortable confiding in him. He was not an aggressor, but still played a part in the culture. And if he’s admitting to that, looking at why it was a problem, it’s small steps in the right direction, at least.
I would hope he’s not saying this to be put in the “good ones” camp and not questioned ever again, but to open a door to more men thinking about their behavior.
I don’t really know much about him, I’ve heard a few interviews and that’s pretty much all I know of him, so maybe I’m misinterpreting it, but I get the impression he’s at least trying.
I understand his need to figure out why people don’t feel comfortable confiding in him, kudos to him for this self-examination. Having watched his shows in the past and having enjoyed his snarky personality, I can see why people, women in particular, might not see him as a compassionate, understanding person one could could confide in. While his interview might be a bit “me, me, me” imho, I feel that Anthony is trying to break out of his self-indulgent shell and grow as a human being.
Well said. I agree.
Agree. My only minor issue with this (and it’s more about society as a whole and male privilege than it is about him personally) is that when he expresses shock that this was going on for a while without women feeling like they could come to him about it, this implies that there WAS a time when he didn’t know about Weinstein’s assaults, despite his years in the public eye. I believe him when he says that, just as I believe that there honestly were women in the entertainment industry who didn’t know about it. But women aren’t even allowed to say what he just said without being accused of all kinds of things- not even just knowing, but benefitting and helping cover up. The women in Hollywood are expected to just automatically be all-knowing at all times about which men are out there sexually assaulting people, (and to act heroically based on that knowledge they’re just expected to have) even if they haven’t been a part of the Hollywood A-list as long as Anthony Bourdain has and are younger than he is. Even some of Weinstein’s most recent victims didn’t know what he was until he was already harassing them or worse. Because Bordain is a man, he gets to basically say “initially I didn’t know, but I’m learning and doing some self-reflecting now. Hopefully things will get better.”
That being said, I don’t have any problems with his statement itself, and think it’s a step in the right direction. Much better than what Alec Baldwin had to say about it.
Had he spoken about anything beyond his reaction to the confessions he’s heard it would have been dishonest, inauthentic and an egregious breach of their privacy and confidence. In addition, we would have been lining up to accuse him of mansplaining or oversimplifying things. We may wish he’d said more or even something different but that doesn’t mean what he did say was wrong.
3 out of 5 men are saying why are these women coming forward now? ourdain is saying why didn’t these women feel they could have come to me? I’m okay with that.
I am, also. The guy cares and is looking deeper, a little self-examination. It’s more than most are doing,
I think he is trying his best to re-examine himself and the bro culture and this is compelling himself to change for the better. I’ve learnt so much about my past behaviour and prejudices from following Celebitchy and listening to Celebitches. So in that sense, I am not a perfect ally but I am trying to learn and change.
Cooking is very, very bro dominated. There are women, but it’s a testosterone heavy enivironment – and Bourdain is probably looking at the world of restaurants and chefs, and seeing where he could have actively been a voice to help and instead completely missed out. I’m betting an awful lot of “me too” stories came out in the restaurant industry.
Ugh, I’m training to be a chef right now, and honestly if I’d known the kind of environment I’d be going in to from the start, I would have chosen a different occupation. Right now I’m interning in a kitchen with 50 guys who are chefs and me the only woman (and an intern). As always some of them are lovely, some of them just see me as a sexless intern which is good, and then there are a few are assholes who bring the whole conversation to a horrible stand still. I really like what Anthony said here that those kind of overtures demean everyone involved, because that’s what I’ve felt about it. And I just feel like – why the need to bring it to that point man? It’s actually making everyone uncomfortable.
I’m gonna try to get through my internship and then find a restaurant with a few female chefs because I fucking miss being around women right now!
This is incredibly dicey territory for a man to tread. I give him huuuuge points for
entering ( at your peril ) and having the huzpah to go on record saying he can / should do better….what more can we ask?!?
I think he is doing The best he can, he is being really supportive of his girlfriend and The others victims.
And The Way he is trying To change and Be better is wayyyy more than The rest
Anthony: because really, what would have been your answer, probably: suck it up, it’s just jokes. Why would any woman as a colleague or in your employ have spoken up? Glad you’re joining the fray, but is this really a mystery?
I don’t understand the critique of this article at all. Why not support the men who are trying to be WITH us on this instead of blaming them for not being 100% perfect?
I think Bourdain is being very self-aware and I wish more men would be willing to think about their past behavior and see it in a different light.
Men are also victims of patriarchy and “bro culture”, not to the extent of women, but I can imagine it’s hard to see what’s right or normal when you’re a boy or a young man surrounded by all that crap. I want to support all men who have “seen the light” and are trying to break the pattern.
Agreed…you said everything I was about to type.
100% agree. When George Clooney gave that interview on Weinstein, he was basically praised for saying what Harvey did was wrong. That’s setting the bar low!! It was all “George makes a good point…George makes an interesting point.” But Bordain tries to be reflective and introspective and take responsibility for his part and he get this treatment? “Granted, we’re not hearing stories about Bourdain sexually assaulting women. But I guarantee that there are dozens of women in Bourdain’s past who felt harassed, demeaned and belittled by Bourdain or by people around Bourdain while he stood there and did and said nothing.” My God. This is basically saying, “he may not be a sexual predator, but HE IS a jerk.” As if the 2 are comparable! Some celebrities can do no wrong here. And some, they’ll be dragged thru the mud no matter what. I mean, I know we are all here to bitch and at the end of the day, highly doubt Bordain is reading this blog, but still man, the bias is strong here.
Chefs can be kind of scary when they’re in the kitchen. I’m not really surprised none of his staff would come to him with, no matter how “nice” he might be when he’s having beers with him.
I’ve wondered if chefs, most of whom are male, are aware of how they come off when they’re working.
Yes they do. No they don’t care.
I’m okay with this. It’s not his place to speak for Asia or any other woman. He can only speak with authority, and without presumption, about himself. He’s being supportive and he’s genuinely trying to understand. That’s more than many men.
I’ll take Bourdain’s reflection over Damon’s deflection.
It doesn’t seem like this self-examination is asking us for anything: Bourdain isn’t demanding women educate men, he’s exploring his complicity. Listening to men unpack how toxic masculinity fuels their decisions is eye-opening and moves the conversation forward.
I don’t want men speaking for women, but I also don’t want ONLY silent listening. Consideration of participation in societal oppression creates better allies.
Damon. That man has been increasingly irritating over the past few years. This article sums it up better than I ever could.
https://www.buzzfeed.com/elisabethdonnelly/goodwillriddance?utm_term=.vhobQ0Kqd#.niBnlD3Yz
He got into it with Alec Baldwin on twitter over the weekend. Alec blocked him and Asia.
Not surprised, Baldwin’s an ass. He was harassing a female blogger on twitter over the Toback accusations. He’s trying to close ranks.
I appreciate what he is saying.I felt the same way when I learned a couple of family members had been suicidal. I asked myself why didn’t they feel safe enough or comfortable enough with me to share their pain.I didn’t realize that thinking that way was me being selfish or self centered.
I remember Kitchen Confidential which I loved but it was all about how Bradley Cooper had sex with all of the women and drank all day or something… I mean it was a total bro tv show. I could get why he wouldn’t be most women’s first choice to confide in.
But he’s older now and with age comes wisdom and self reflection. It’s sad that we have to wait for these golden years (when their penis doesn’t work anymore) for them to take a good hard look at themselves… but I guess better late than never.
He was slamming Hilary Clinton on Twitter for associating with Weinstein just as hard as he was slamming Weinstein a while back, so screw him. Focus your anger at Weinstein!
When I think of Anthony Bourdain, all I think of is a quote from one of his books (been looking all over for the exact quote with no success), in which he advocates approaching some delicacy the way one would a woman’s nipple. Ugh.
Tony, how many times did you ASK?
I do like Bourdain, always have. It sounds like he’s doing more than a little soul searching and a lot more self excoriating of himself. What happened to Argento after her revelations about Weinstein was horrible. To me it sounds like he’s beating himself up about things like harassment, assault and rape (i.e. Toback, Weinstein et al.) and sincerely wants to make a difference.
So much better to see an honest statement like this than Clooney’s, Affleck’s, Damon’s or Baldwin’s.
I feel like he did make it about himself but didn’t mean to. I think he’s just wondering the same thing any of us would, regardless of gender. He’s asking the bigger question of why didn’t they feel they could say anything, even though they weren’t in the wrong? Why do we re-victimize abuse victims when they speak out? When we find out someone we know has been assaulted, one of the first things we do is wonder why couldn’t they come to us in confidence? We’re forced to confront the sad reality that coming out with these things doesn’t guarantee comfort, safety, or justice.