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Kelly Clarkson has been promoting her eighth album, Meaning of Life, which came out just over a week ago. She’s been giving some very candid interviews in that she’s talked about her body image and past eating disorder. Most recently she described falling for and eventually marrying her husband, Brandon Blackstock, whom she’s dated since 2012 and married just about four years ago, in 2014. Kelly said that she felt asexual until she met Brandon and fell head over heels. Five years and two kids later and they’re still going strong.
During a private show for SiriusXM listeners at the Highline Ballroom in New York City Friday, the 35-year-old Grammy winner revealed to the crowd that Blackstock was the first man that gave her that feeling inside.
“This isn’t a downer to anybody I dated before him, but I’m just going to be real: I never felt like, honesty, sexually attracted to anybody before him,” Clarkson confessed. “And I’m not downing my exes. You know, everybody’s different. But there was something about him.”
“I honestly thought I was asexual — I’d never been turned on like that in my whole life,” she said. “I was like, ‘Oh that’s that feeling… okay! That’s what they were talking about in Waiting to Exhale.’ I just got it. I just didn’t have a clue.”
She first saw him 2006 when he was married and felt a spark but didn’t talk to him until 2012
“Literally, I’m not joking, he walked past us at that time [in 2006] And he walked by, I was like, ready to take it all off. I just felt something.”“We didn’t really know each other; I had just met him that one time,” Clarkson recalled. “Just from that one time, even six years later, I had never really dated anyone. I honest to God thought, ‘Is this what it’s like to be asexual?’ I was just not attracted to people.”
“We didn’t even know each other, but he had walked past me once and there was a moment in my crazy head,” she said. “He thought I hated him, too. When I finally confessed that, ‘I really dig you,’ He was so shocked because he thought I hated him. I hadn’t let on that I liked him. Inside I was like, ‘Ask me out!’ but outside I was like, ‘I love being single and coming home every night alone. It’s awesome.’
“It’s a hard thing to find that feeling,’ she said. “I always tell [Savannah, her 16 year-old stepdaughter], ‘Wait it out. Wait until you get those goosebumps.’ Because if it’s not, it’s not worth it.”
I’m one of those people who hates being hit on and it takes me forever to like someone, so I could relate to this. At first I thought that Kelly was describing being demisexual, which means that people don’t experience sexual attraction without friendship first. Attraction for them only happens when feel truly connected to someone emotionally. (Here’s a link to more information on demisexuality.) However Kelly is saying that she got a spark when she first saw Brandon, which isn’t the same thing. I guess some people just know when they’re into someone and they wait until they know. It’s kind of romantic, but I don’t know if I’m buying the timeline here that she didn’t get together with him until he was divorced. Kelly seems like a straight shooter though so it’s probably the case.
Also, I disagree that you should wait to date someone until you feel goosebumps. Sometimes you feel butterflies or anxiety because you’re just nervous and unsure around someone. So many people are chasing a feeling instead of giving someone a chance or trying to get to know them first. Of course you can’t force attraction but a new relationship shouldn’t make you feel unbalanced. I recently listened to a podcast about this which explains it much better than I can.
Photos credit: Backgrid and WENN
I took goosebump/butterflies to be the same feeling. When it comes to dating, the more introverted side of my personality comes out. Dating, particularly in the era of online dating, absolutely drains me. I have to wait for a feeling or spark before I invest time. Otherwise I end up exhausted and over the whole process.
Online dating can be exhausting when people wait too long before they meet. Quite often the expectations are higher then and the reality can’t hold up to it. I prefered meeting rather quickly and when there wasn’t any spark or instant chemistry (and I totally believe that people know within seconds if there is chemistry or not) I had a coffee and that was it. No second dates or further texting.
When I met my bf for the first time, I knew there could be something more because there was an instant spark. Then I was ready to invest time.
I’ve felt that spark only two times in my life (so far!) and she’s right, when you feel it it is AMAZING.
i’m definitely attracted to strangers, but i’m never interested in them and don’t want to sleep with people i don’t know, if this makes any sense. i don’t date people unless they’re friends first, because i’m happy being by myself so if i find someone i truly like and want to be with that’s wonderful, but i’m perfectly fine being alone if not.
idk what that makes me.
demisexual? Celebitchy actually described this in ther post 🙂
no because demisexual seems to imply you feel no attraction towards strangers, and i do. i just don’t like being intimate with strangers, even if i’m attracted to them.
It’s also possible that I’m completely misinterpreting demisexuality in that you can feel attraction but not want to have sex until you get to know someone. I’ve read a few articles and shouldn’t act like an expert.
I suspect many people are like this, but I wonder if most people make themselves seem more turned on (i.e lustful?) than they really are to appear as what the media/society deems as normal. IMMEDIATELY wanting to sleep with someone the moment you meet them ? — I can see why that might happen in Hollywood where everyone is touchy-feely (I tend to think attraction builds from someone actively showing interest in you) but not necessarily in real life where everyone is more distant and people don’t touch as much.
Although, to be honest, I’m having a hard time thinking of demisexual as an orientation. I think the people who are indiscriminately attracted to anyone they meet are rarer. Well, I suppose this might not be rarer among men, though.
“I think the people who are indiscriminately attracted to anyone they meet are rarer. Well, I suppose this might not be rarer among men, though. ”
There are no differences between mens and womens sexuality.
I don’t really think there is either. But I can’t figure out if women are under more pressure to not seem “slutty/promiscuous”, or if men are under more pressure to seem more sexual than they really are, or, well, both.
I tend to think the idea of IMMEDIATELY wanting to sleep with someone might be some media-created myth for both genders. I’m not sure if men are under pressure not to admit this however, because of trying to live up to perceptions about men’s virility and stamina. The one way I can see somebody wanting to sleep with someone immediately is if the other person uses touch as a form of persuasion, but I don’t think most people in real life are going to be that touchy. I also think you’re more likely to respond to someone’s touch favourably if that person fits your individual notion of attractive. I also think you can grow immune to someone’s touch once you realize they’re touching everybody on the back or shoulder or whatever else.
I suppose the other way people might want to sleep with someone immediately is if that person is extremely charming in some way, but most people in real life are really not that charismatic.
I am fascinated by the idea of attraction and how it works, which is probably why I’m talking nonsensically right now about my made-up theories, none of which are scientific. If I could get paid money to study how attraction works, I’d probably take the job.
Well of course you wont be attracted to just anyone. But if someone is conventionally good looking both men and women want to immediatly sleep with them. If that happens is down to circumstances and also your own looks. There is just more shame for women. Women have more sexual appetite than men and are more easily bored with monogamy. Women are by nature nonmonogamous.
So “low libido” or “not having casual sex” are all social constraints for women.
” But if someone is conventionally good looking both men and women want to immediatly sleep with them”
This is why I think this is more likely to happen in Hollywood. Most people in real life aren’t THAT well-groomed or pay attention to how they look. It’s not that they’re ugly or unattractive, but the number of smelly-looking and unkempt people you’d see on the subway is rather astonishing. In fact, the number of people who smell weird in and of itself astonishes me. I think these factors can put off someone from wanting to sleep with them immediately.
In real life, it takes me awhile to figure out that someone may in fact actually be good-looking or have conventional good looks. But, sure, if Hugh Jackman was standing in front of me, I’d know right away and wouldn’t dispute that most people would want to sleep with him immediately.
there is research pointing to the fact that women experience as high sex drives, and are more likely to become bored with sex with the same partner than men.
Most bed death is not because the woman is frigid, its because she’s bored AF.
I bet if you controlled for the quality of sex, controlled for safety, and removed the social stigma, women would be banging strangers a lot more often.
But lets face it, when a one night stand or similar casual affair means opening yourself up to bad sex, possible violence or disrespect, why would women go for it?
Not everyone is attracted to “conventional” good looks. Or immediately wants to sleep with good looking people. Personally I find a lot of the people am told to find attractive bland and too cookie cutter.
“Not everyone is attracted to “conventional” good looks. Or immediately wants to sleep with good looking people. Personally I find a lot of the people am told to find attractive bland and too cookie cutter.”
I think this is true too.
So, that’s why I wonder how much of what people do or feel compelled to do is media-driven.
Going off on a tangent, I wonder how much of a role stress plays as well. Most of the time I’m too stressed out about life to think about immediate physical attraction to people. I wonder how much the Trump era has effected people’s romantic lives. That would make an interesting case study!
@QueenB:
“But if someone is conventionally good looking both men and women want to immediatly sleep with them.”
Please speak for yourself. I do not want to immediately sleep with everyone/someone/anyone who is conventionally good looking. I do not want to immediately sleep with anyone, period.
Do you think it has something to do with patriarchal constraints put on womens sexuality?
Probably.
It even impacts the way research is funded.
I think (but could be wrong) that there is a difference between men and women’s sex drives on average just from an evolutionary standpoint. It actually wouldnt make sense for there not to be. That said, the key word there is average and there is always individual variability.
i thought about that, and i don’t believe that’s the case. in fact, on the contrary i often felt guilty for not being able to comply to the sex positivity model, because it didn’t fit me at all. maybe it’s something to do with trust, or just being sort of picky with people (i’m an introvert).
i think sex positivity and saying stuff like women have the same sex drive as men is well meaning, but it’s just way too generic. i think women and men can have the same sex drive (either high or low). i don’t think banging strangers and hookup culture should be pushed on people as THE normality either. everyone should do what makes them feel comfortable.
“i don’t think banging strangers and hookup culture should be pushed on people as THE normality either. everyone should do what makes them feel comfortable.”
I agree. I think immediate physical attraction can be present or can be a real thing. But I think that’s different from actually wanting to act on it. I think self-control is also a very real thing too, and I don’t necessarily think all people are forced to have self-control by society. I think some people just genuinely like being in control of how they behave.
There doesn’t need to be a label for every possible variation of sexuality. Why do we have to try to define it as “demisexual” or whatever new term someone has come up with? You say you feel attracted to strangers but don’t want to sleep with random people and are happy to be alone if you don’t have that comfort level with someone. That to me just sounds “normal.” And other people who do want to sleep with strangers are normal too. And people who don’t want to sleep with anyone are normal too. We aren’t defined by who we want to sleep with.
“So many people are chasing a feeling instead of giving someone a chance or trying to get to know them first.”
So true. I didn’t enjoy my first date with my husband and almost didn’t go out with him a second time. A friend convinced me to go and midway through our second date, it’s like a switch flipped and I was like hey, he’s really cute and sweet.
As for “the spark,” I’m still not sure exactly where the line is between lust and love. It’s tricky.
And most wont end up together in the long run so oh well! Enjoy it while it lasts…
Meh, spark schmark. Maybe I’m just cynical because I had that giddy spark, married it, spent years too punch drunk in love to be able to recognize the little cracks along the way, and wound up with a marriage that imploded at the decade mark. 10 years and one kid later, and the fairytale love I thought I had, turned out to be a shit sandwich I could have saved myself from being served if I’d have just opened my eyes and not been so caught up in the “goosebumps.”
Good for her, though. She seems happy.
But yes, chasing a feeling and not getting down to the nitty gritty of who your partner is and who you are, and whether, realistically, you can make it work, is a disservice to yourself. Hopefully Kelly’s advice to her stepdaughter had a little more substance to it somewhere.
You nailed it CB. People chase the feeling, and think that feeling is the real emotion.
I posted before about infatuation VS love (JMHO of course).
I love Kelly, she is just a genuine, lovely person.
He’s her lobster!
She found her one, I think it’s great, and I hope they have a long, happy life together.
I too know a few people who almost didn’t go on a second date but did and ended up falling madly in love, so the instant goosebumps thing isn’t always true, but I can see why she’s saying that to a teenager – wait for someone you really have feelings for.
I’m liking her new album, there’s a couple of really fun songs on it.
Awww he woke her lady bits up.
Watch the Witch episode of Broad City. Kind of relevant to some of your discussions 😉😘
I don’t know what I am. But I cannot be attracted to someone I don’t know. I have had zero celebrity crushes because personality is such a big part of it for me, and I see a face people go nuts over and go, meh. Cuz what if he has to grossest nasal laugh, or weirdest mannerisms, or is a complete jerk, or needy etc. I have to actually know the person to know if I like them. And then after that, I’m very not sexual. I just really, really don’t want to do it. It isn’t medical, it isn’t insecurity- it’s just always been a chore I perform and want to get over with. 🤷🏻♀️
I, too, can’t be attracted to someone without knowing him. Online dating makes no sense to me, especially the word-free style of tinder and bumble because I do not respond to pictures. This is almost certainly why I’ve had one date in the last 6 years.
I thought I was asexual until I met my first girlfriend (who I married.) I was dating guys and I would be so attracted to them and deeply in love and just not enjoy sexual encounters. I knew I was attracted to girls, but by that point I figured attraction would be all I ever felt – never sexual desire. Everything changed when I made out with the first girl. I was like OMGosh! I am on fire! lol
I can relate to the concept of coming off as “happily single and happy to come home alone” because that is exactly where I am at. I’m single, in my early thirties, overweight (understatement) and as of april this year hadn’t dated in 6 years because I’m so painfully shy and insecure I just never believe guys are into me.
On the other hand I’m a very sexual person, however, sex blinds me (which is how I ended up in a whirlwind shitshow of a relationship this year bc I was thinking with my ladybits). So I’m back to happily single but quite unwilling to go look for someone new again.
So yeah, butterflies and goosebumps are nice when it works out, so you need to give it a little time to see past the rose colored glasses and happy ladyparts to see if it’s a healthy relationship or just lust or whatever. I am happy it worked for her though so I understand it’s her truth.
That’s a cute dress on her altho it looks better how it’s styled in the top photo with strappy shoes and bare leg vs below with heavy wedges and tights.
What other people did she even date?
I’m seriously getting so annoyed with her and her recent interviews. How her kids made her more empowered, how her husband awakened her sexuality. Gurrrl…
Thanks for the link CB. I too have felt that I’m really not sexually attracted to someone unless I feel an emotional connection with them. And that emotional connection happens rarely. “For many demisexuals, it’s a case of only liking someone over time, once you’ve realised they truly value your opinion”. I so relate to this. The times I’ve settled for a FWB situation didn’t leave me with a positive impression, so I’m gonna wait till I feel that connection with someone again. It doesn’t mean you don’t get lonely, or long for a relationship with someone (as referenced in the article), you just don’t get those lust-y feelings for someone who’s good-looking, but completely unknown to you. This is good information.
I don’t like the idea of waiting too much, even though I wait too much. If I ever have a daughter, I’ll advice her to not only hook up when the goosebumps show up, because it might lead to expectations and disappoitment. I also wouldn’t like her to treat people as disposable sexual toys, as I see so many “too sexual” people doing.