Keith Richards – the man who thinks snorting dead relatives’ ashes is a good idea – has taken a Swedish reviewer to task for giving the Stones concert a particularly bad review. The reviewer did make a few jabs at Richards specifically, but who amongst us hasn’t over the years? Keith Richards is kind of before my time, but I remember very specifically when I was born, the doctor explained life briefly and said “Cry a lot, poop a lot, and make a lot of jokes about Keith Richards.” All people are born with the knowledge that this is okay because Richards sets himself up for it, and just one of the things we’re supposed to do.

“Rolling Stones guitarist Keith Richards has demanded an apology from Swedish newspapers for their scathing reviews of the group’s performance in the country earlier this month. Tabloids Expressen and Aftonbladet gave thumbs down to the Aug. 3 concert at Ullevi stadium in Goteborg, with Expressen suggesting Richards was ‘superdrunk’ on stage.”

[From Newsday]

Well apparently Keith Richards is mad as hell, and he’s not going to take it anymore. He actually responded to the reviewer, and told him he’d cheapened the experience for all the fans at the concerts, and all of the poor saps who love the Rolling Stones but couldn’t afford the $145 tickets.

“‘This is a first!’ the 63-year-old rock star wrote in a letter published by Stockholm daily Dagens Nyheter. ‘Never before have I risen to the bait of a bad review. But this time … I have to stand up … for our fans all over Sweden … to say that you owe them, and us, an apology.’”

“Dagens Nyheter said it received the letter from concert organizer EMA Telstar. Company head Thomas Johansson told The Associated Press that Richards wrote the letter and gave it to him after reading translations of the Swedish reviews. “‘There were 56,000 people in Ullevi stadium who bought a ticket to our concert — and experienced a completely different show than the one you ‘reviewed,'” the letter said.”

“‘How dare you cheapen the experience for them — and for the hundreds of thousands of other people across Sweden who weren’t at Ullevi and have only your ‘review’ to go on. Write the truth. It was a good show.’ In his review, Aftonbladet’s music writer Markus Larsson gave the concert a score of two on a five-point scale, and said Richards appeared ‘a bit confused.’

“‘I am not going to apologize for my subjective opinion, ‘ Larsson told the paper’s Web edition on Wednesday. ‘It is Keith who should apologize. After all it costs around 1,000 kronor ($145) to see a rock star who can hardly handle the (guitar) riff to ‘Brown Sugar’ any more.’”

[From Newsday]

How dare the reviewer disagree? I think someone needs to explain to Keith Richards how reviews work. They’re rarely positive. The reviewer always thinks he’s better than the performer, because he’s generally some elitist snob. It’s probably best not to read them for 38 different reasons. Either way, the guy saying that Keith Richards wasn’t exactly on his game isn’t earth shattering news. Again, this is before my time, but haven’t people been saying that about him since the Stones early days? Not that he wasn’t good/great whatever, but due to the massive, ridiculous quantities of drugs, the guy wasn’t always playing with a level deck, right? Unless the Keith Richards Exit Polling Machine was working at all the doors to the stadium, I doubt he really can know that none of the people there would have agreed with the reviewer. That’d be really cute though, if you had exit polling machines shaped like a giant, dried up/shriveled Keith Richards, and you could press buttons that said “Awesome” or “Sucked way hard.” If he’s going to complain about bad reviews from now on, he should probably either quit eating drugs for breakfast and/or quit the band and focus on the machines. Either way would be better for him.

Picture note by JayBird: Here’s Keith at the : Pirates Of The Caribbean premiere in May. Images thanks to PR Photos.