Author Stephen King is one of the people I follow on Twitter. I like him in general and find his tweets a nice mixture of informative and amusing. But I live for his Molly aka the Thing of Evil posts about his beloved pup. Molly brightens my day every time she pops up:
Molly, aka the Thing of Evil, curls up for a nap on the body of the flamingo she killed earlier. pic.twitter.com/uY9PhQVZSp
— Stephen King (@StephenKing) January 23, 2018
Molly, aka the Thing of Evil, prepares for the big snowstorm. pic.twitter.com/8eKRAQLoz8
— Stephen King (@StephenKing) January 4, 2018
But life does not always go as planned (unless you’re Molly aka the Thing of Evil) and sometimes even best selling authors have an off-day. Wednesday, King posted the following tweet:
Having kind of a blue day, Twitter, so tell me a joke. I'll re-tweet the first one that makes me laugh.
— Stephen King (@StephenKing) January 31, 2018
A few things went through my mind when I saw this. The first was that I admire people who have the confidence to be vulnerable in such a public way. The second was my busy-body curiosity about what was possibly making him blue and hoping it wasn’t something too serious (and certainly not anything to do with Molly aka the Thing of Evil.) Then I thought about what a brilliant way to perk yourself up when you are feeling down. I purposefully scroll Twitter looking for funny tweets when I’m down. Either that or go to Buzzfeed to read one for their funny Tweet compilation posts so King’s request seemed inspired to me. All those thoughts were eclipsed by my biggest thought which was: what joke do I know that can make Stephen King laugh?!? Alas, the answer turned out to be “none.” I am a lousy at telling jokes. I can be sarcastic, make puns or give funny responses but I suck at telling jokes. And as I age, I have become one of those people who forgets part of it and has to go back and start again. Fortunately for King, he didn’t need to wait for me to remember a good joke, he received 7,000 others. Below are a smattering of the jokes he received (I tried to appeal to a variety of humor preferences):
Heisenberg & Schroedinger get pulled over for speeding.
The cop says “do you know how fast you were going?”
Heisenberg says “no but I know where I am.”
Cop says “did you know there’s a dead cat in your trunk?”
Schroedinger says, “I do now, asshole.”
— Mikel Jollett (@Mikel_Jollett) January 31, 2018
Sorry you're having a blue day, Stephen. Here's a joke your fellow American author Tom Barbash told me. It's only a little risqué…
The chicken and the egg were enjoying a post-coital cigarette. "Well", said the egg, "I guess we settled that question."
— David Mitchell (@david_mitchell) January 31, 2018
2/? …a fighter plane in the Air Force. One time her plane got hit and she had to jump out over enemy territory with just a gun, a knife, and a bottle of Jack Daniels. She drank the whisky on the way down and then she landed in the middle of FIFTY ENEMY SOLDIERS. FIFTY!…
— Loretta Ross (@lorettasueross) February 1, 2018
4/4
"Stay the hell away from Aunt Jane when she's been drinking."
— Loretta Ross (@lorettasueross) February 1, 2018
I walked into my room and tripped on my own bra. It was a booby trap.
— Emma (@willec94) January 31, 2018
@StephenKing I bought my wife some beads for her abacus. You know…it’s the little things that count.
— TonyRush (@TonyRush) February 1, 2018
How many Lowe's could a Rob Lowe rob, if a Rob Lowe could rob Lowe's?
— Tonya Neu (@Neugirl21) February 1, 2018
whats the difference between a hippo and a zippo? one is a little lighter
— eric kudla (@emkudla) January 31, 2018
My wife came home and caught me looking at optical illusions – I said “Honey! It’s not what it looks like!”
— Tassy Konto (@tassykonto) February 1, 2018
… you get the idea. You can click here to read more, like I said, there are thousands of responses. But the winner, the one that made Mr. King laugh out loud was this one:
Okay, winner winner chicken dinner. I didn't get it. Then I did. Then…ROFL https://t.co/Q5xDk7SE5H
— Stephen King (@StephenKing) January 31, 2018
How do you make a duck sing? Put it in the sun 'till it's Bill Withers
— Lucy Gumble (@LucyRandallGum) January 31, 2018
This Mister would love that joke too. And when I tell it to him tonight, I’m taking all the credit (he’s rarely on Twitter so he’ll never know.) The good news is that it worked. Once King got his laugh, he started laughing at all of them, which was the whole point. As I said, I chickened out but there was one joke I love that I was considering. Good thing I didn’t post it, someone else did:
Guy goes to get his morning paper. On it is a snail. He picks the snail up and throws it across his yard.
A year later, same snail shows up on his doorstep, on his paper.
The guy goes to pick it up when the snail looks up and yells, “HEY! What the hell was THAT all about??
— Justin Gibbs (@jgibbs1022) February 1, 2018
I love this idea. It’s Friday. 2018 has gotten off to a rocky start, let’s make each other laugh. Offer up yours in the comments.
Photo credit: Twitter, WENN Photos and Getty Images
This post is gonna be everything.
*Get’s snacks*
What’s green and has wheels?
Grass. I lied about the wheels.
How many mosquitoes does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two… but how did they get in there?
Two people were walking through a forest when they came upon a set of tracks. The first person says, “Those are moose tracks.” The second person says, “Those are deer tracks.” They were still arguing when the train hit them.
😂
😂😂
How do you make a tissue dance?
You put a little boogie in it!
👌🏻
I love those funny tweets on BuzzFeed too! This is nice. I love positive social media. And it’s always nice when somebody who has everything they could want admits they’re having a “blue day”. Nothing’s wrong, it’s not like it’s depression, just that feeling of being kinda off and sad. I like him.
I’ve been having a blue week and I laughed so hard at the Heisenberg / Schroedinger joke that I actually do feel better.
One of my alltime faves is this, I’ve seen lots of variations on it but this is pretty much the one I heard:
Sara: Julie, did you hear about Anne? Her new boyfriend is severely allergic to cats, and she’s had Mr Boots for such a long time!
Julie: Oh no, that’s too bad. Is she going to put him up for adoption?
Sara: She sure is. His name is Paul, he’s an IT manager….free to a good home.
What be a pirate’s favourite letter?
*Most people go Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!*
Ye might well think that but me first love be the sea.
Oho! Good one!
AHRRRRRRR!
What does oral sex with a senior citizen taste like?
Depends.
🤢😂
😆😂
OMG HAHAHHA
Hey, did you hear about the two peanuts walking down the street and one was a salted.
Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows?
They’re making headlines!
LOL
Daughter’s very first second grade joke:
You go into the bathroom and you’re American.
You walk out of the bathroom and you’re American.
What are you while you’re IN the bathroom?
You’re -a – peein’!
Yeah, well.
She graduated the university Summa Cum Laude, so, we got that goin’ for us.
And LOVE to Mr. King! That guy scared the s**t out of me for about 20 years.
Did you ever hear the story of the fairy godmother who sat on Pinocchio’s face and said “lie to me, lie to me!!…”
Two fish are sitting in a tank. One looks at the other and says, ‘so do you know how to drive this thing?’
I, for one, like Roman numerals.
Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?
Because they’re really good at it
What did the Zero say to the 8?
“Nice belt!”
Why was six afraid of seven?
Because 7, 8 9
Other words 7 ate 9
But I don’t get the snail joke above in the post.
@V4Real I totally don’t get the snail joke either…is it because it took him a year to get back and he acted like it was yesterday? 🤷♀️
I didn’t get the pirate joke?
I have tears with Rob at Lowes.
I didn’t get the Bill Withers and the duck. But I’m swedish
It took me a second read too.
Put it in the sun until it’s bill (beak) withers (dries up). Bill Withers having sang the iconic Ain’t No Sunshine
(Best said aloud)
What does a nosy pepper do?
It gets jalapeño business!
…I don’t get the Bill Withers one.
ETA: got it 0.28472 seconds after I hit Submit
As told to me by a pharmacy patient when I was having a bad day:
If your uncle Jack was stuck on a roof and couldn’t get himself down, would you help Jack off? Lol
My reply:
No, Jack can get himself off.
-A blonde, a brunette and a redhead walk into a bar. You’d think one of them would of ducked.
-Mary had a little lamb, her doctor had a cow.
It’s hard to get jokes when English is not your native language and you read them as opposed to hearing them out loud.
Had to read the peanuts one 3 times to get it.
But they were all very funny!