I’m sure there are many people who always associate Tracee Ellis Ross with her mother, Diana Ross. I’ve never been one of those people though, and I think that’s because I didn’t realize for several years – as Tracee became more famous as an actress – that she is Diana’s daughter. I just didn’t put two and two together. So I liked her and knew her face beforehand, which probably helps me see her as her own person, separate from her mother and her mom’s legacy. And Tracee’s accomplishments are wonderful: she’s on her second successful television show, Black-ish, which has made her a huge star. She’s getting nominated for big awards and being invited to all the cool parties. And now this: she’s the cover girl for Vanity Fair’s Awards Extra supplemental. You can read the full interview here. Some highlights:
Renegotiating her Black-ish salary when it was revealed she made less than her male costar: “That was really f–king awkward. I don’t know how that information got out. But I understand the interest because there is a larger, deeper, more important conversation going on that is not about me, but is about people being paid appropriately for their contribution and the work that they do, not because of their gender, race, or anything. And it is a valid, real, important, past-due conversation that should no longer be a conversation, that should just be handled . . . across all industries.” Of her own salary gap, Ross would say only, “That has been resolved.”
She’s 45 years old and childfree: “Last year, I was [fictionally] pregnant all season. That brought on a lot of comments and questions and pontifications from people with no invitation. I literally have said to people, for real, no joke, ‘Why don’t you just get out of my womb? Like, get out of my uterus? What are you doing in there? And why are you asking those questions? And what makes you think you can ask that?’ Part of what patriarchy has created for women is this siloed-off experience, with one answer for what a good life looks like.”
On her mom, Diana Ross: “I saw a woman who just was making a path and doing it on her own. She didn’t have hundreds of people doing everything for her—my mom always packed her own bags and cooked our food. She was doing it all and never had the response to me . . . where she was like, ‘Not now, I don’t have time.’ It was very capable, incredibly capable and present at the same time.”
What it was like to break into Hollywood as Diana Ross’s daughter: “Being a ‘child of’ meant that you were sort of riding on the coattails of your parent. It would unlock the door and then people would sit on the other side . . . waiting for you like, ‘She’s no Diana Ross.’ At a very young age, even before I wanted to be an actor, I felt just the energy that was coming at me because I was a piece of somebody that people loved.”
“Part of what patriarchy has created for women is this siloed-off experience, with one answer for what a good life looks like.” Word. I understand when women “play the game” because they don’t want to alienate those fans who seem to believe that all women need to want a husband and kids. But Tracee has never really played that game – she is who she is, and she’s a 45 year old woman who isn’t here for your questions about the state of her womb. Leave it. As for Diana Ross as a mother… can you even imagine what that was like? It must have been really fun, or really crazy.
Cover courtesy of Vanity Fair, additional photo courtesy of WENN.
Is it shallow that I like her because she has the same weird eye thing that I have, where one eye is more open than the other? I feel solidarity with her because of this, and because she is fearless and awesome, too.
I’m not educated enough on the subject to say for myself if I believe she’s right but as someone who was told a day before her 30th that she wouldn’t be able to have children, YES PLEASE STOP ASKING WOMEN ABOUT ANYTHING HAVING TO DO WITH OUR WOMBS IT IS SO DEEPLY TRIGGERING.
Yes, you are right, something sad may be happening, or not wanting children may have cost them something in life, so again, sad. But wouldn’t some of these questions just be dumb fans trying to think of something to say and/or all-too-centered on a character who is real to them? What if she had been pregnant during that season and was bursting to discuss her little bundle-of-love? “Get out of my uterus” seems to be over-reacting. “No, you’re thinking of my character — I wasn’t really preggers!” seems appropriate. All the other situations … well, very un-shallow territory. But it’s wiser to be kind than to play quick-draw.
I can’t get my married friends and friends with children to understand how the world is tailored to them. Tracee’s Birthday is a day after mine. I’m single and child free. I have no regrets about that. I love kids and I spoil my nieces and nephews (like I see Tracee does per her IG page). I will have people ask if I’m married or if I have kids. When I say no to both, they have nothing else to say, like that’s all a woman is. I had someone even ask if I thought about adopting. Again, some people want to mothers and some don’t. There’s nothing wrong with either choice.
That must’ve really been crushing news, and my heart goes out to you. I can only offer that having given birth, for me I had to fall in love with my babies. That made me realize that they are people in their own right, not my clone or property or toy. That I would have loved them the exact same had they been born in another womb. That love grows in the oddest of places, and many times out of sorrow. I had an ectopic pregnancy, and never thought I would smile again. Some kind person told me that I could try again, where’s my doctor couldn’t understand why I was so upset losing a non-viable 6 week embyro. Intelligence doesn’t always equate to compassion. You will find your peace, and ignore those insensitive people who have no manners.
I love Black-ish and they redid the show about Juneteenth the other night. It was amazing and even addressed the crapfest of Columbus Day. I love reading how Diana Ross made motherhood about her kids and how Tracee doesn’t feel like she has to have children. She’s absolutely right, get out of our bodies. Anyway, I enjoy her intelligence and strength.
AMAZING COVER.
As a happily child free 50 something, I’ve NEVER felt the need to pretend I wanted kids. Why would you? Just say you’re not interested and shut the conversation down. So happy to see other childless folks just saying it. It’s like cilantro. Some people love it, others don’t.
I don’t think it is as simple as just stating your stance and shutting the conversation down. I applaud you for taking that approach – we have to do what works for us. However, it is still shocking for many people to hear that a woman has chosen not to have children. I get the impression that one woman saying she doesn’t want children could set off an existential meltdown in another woman who just assumed at one point that she would become a mother, because tradition, patriarchy etc. Even more reason not to shut the conversation down but allow it to be continued so that the default assumption isn’t just “oh she’s made that decision for selfish reasons”.
Why should the childfree have to allow a conversation about OUR BODIES and OUR CHOICES continue? We don’t want children, we have made the decision not to have them and we are happy with that choice. We do not owe anyone any explanations or qualifiers.
I just finished reading “Motherhood” by Sheila Heti so maybe that’s why I’m angling for the “let’s talk MORE about deciding not to have children as a woman” thing : ) There’s a time and a place to have the conversation for sure: I think it could be helpful for younger women to hear older women expand on why they didn’t want children. Not to justify / defend their choice but to demonstrate that society assumes that ALL women will become mothers, but you don’t have to fall into that trap.
I’m 36, married, and childfree. Just the other day I was asked by a stranger in the grocery store if I wanted kids. He was in line behind me at the register and thought it okay to ask a complete stranger this question.
How did he know you didn’t?
Good question! I guess he assumed I didn’t since I didn’t have any kids with me? Who knows.
ugh
That’s gross – he should not have asked you that! It’s none of his business.
WOW! I have to know what you told him. I would always tell people, “You know that’s an incredibly personal question, right? You’re basically asking if I’m sexually active.” Then I would laugh at them.
I feel sort of bed for saying this because I think she’s probably a nice person with her heart in the right place but I find her really annoying. I guess it was after that award show that she hosted within the last year it was so cringeworthy. Maybe she was just nervous, I don’t know.
No, that’s just her. I happen to love it but you can’t like every personality.
The number people unfortunately, mostly women, concerned about other people, especially celebrities, having children is sad and alarming. Worry about yourself and stop fantasizing about other people reproducing. It is just weird, creepy and sad even if the thought is not with malicious intent.
Yep. It’s a huge commitment that is undertaken by most women who have no idea of the health risks, even when you think you are healthy. Kids are not arm candy, and that’s how society thinks builds strong women: more eye candy. Had I known that I would be a single, divorced parent, I would not have gotten pregnant. Selfish motives do not a good parent make.
I lover her so much.
No, I don’t believe Diana packed her own bags.
As a 33-year-old unmarried woman (by choice), I so often get this question. I have good days and bad days. Some days, I’m so happy that I’ve been able to fend off the pressure and enjoy my freedom. Other days, I find it really difficult to accept that no matter what else I’ve accomplished, I’m still perceived as a failure, even by well-meaning family members. My cousin recently asked my mother if I was planning to have kids, behind my back. It’s hard to break out of the silo, as she put it, there is a cost.
I am so lacking the maternal gene that I’m always shocked that people (men and women) want kids. Years ago when my cousin told me she was pregnant I blurted “On purpose? Why?”. LOL I didn’t mean to, luckily she thought it was funny. I did have a kid (he’s an adult now) and I don’t regret it, but I know I would be just as fine had I not had him. Babies are hard, teenagers are even harder, I can’t imagine if I had to go through teen years with more than one kid.
Single, married, partnered, whatever. If you have kids or no, NO ONE should think it’s their business to question your reproductive choices. Worry about yourself and mind your business.
A few months before my 30th my extremely intrusive, ignore all boundaries type of in-laws told me about an “interesting” article that they read, that mentioned that fertility dips after 30…….