What is Simon Cowell worth? If I had to puzzle over this question for more than a minute, I’d probably decide that his worth is more about the amount I’m willing to pay him to shut the hell up than anything else. To me there’s nothing useful about the man. Yes he’s capable of being mean, why is that such a marketable skill? What he should be most famous for is rocking the world’s worst flat-top haircut for at least ten years. The guy’s so loudly critical of everyone else – why doesn’t anyone but me scream at him over his hair? It just looks like absolute trash.

Back on track…. Because I could talk smack about Simon’s freshly-mowed-suburban-lawn haircut all day…. if you’re wondering what anyone more valuable than myself thinks Cowell is worth, it’s well in the neighborhood of $144 million a year. You read that right. And that’s not the total of all his projects – that’s just to stay on “American Idol.”

EARLY salary figures from Simon Cowell’s “American Idol” contract negotiations are leaking out and they’re eye-popping. Cowell, who reportedly made $36 million last year for judging the hit competition show, has been offered three or four times that amount — between $100 million and $144 million per year — by co-producers Fox and 19 Entertainment to stick with “Idol” when his contract expires next May, according to The Guardian, a London newpaper [sic].

Fox declined yesterday to comment about the salary negotiations. While $36 million may seem like a lot of money for five months worth of snarky comments and eye-rolls, it’s only a fraction of the estimated $900 million that “Idol” rakes in a year. As the lynchpin of the show — without him there would be no one to hate and no dramatic tension with Paula Abdul — Cowell believes he’s due for a raise.

To get more of the pie, he’s been leaning on long-time friend and UK retail multibillionaire Sir Philip Green — who owns hot fashion franchise Top Shop — for help negotiating the terms of what would be a new “Idol” contract, reports say. Green is said to be lobbying hard for an increase in Cowell’s appearance fee on the show.

…”Idol” is only one of Cowell’s TV contracts which are on the verge of expiring. His three-year deal, which spawned hits “Britain’s Got Talent” and “The X-Factor,” with UK’s ITV, ends this year.

[From Page Six]

Cowell’s long-term plan is to create an “international TV production, talent management and merchandising company,” which he will helm, while Green takes care of the business’s finances. And apparently there’s no better way to start your company off right than with out of this world demands just for sitting in a chair.

I do understand what Simon brings to the show, I just don’t understand WHY he brings it. I would probably watch “American Idol” if it weren’t for him. But I don’t really need to spend an hour of my day watching one of the few successful grownup bullies act like a mean fifth grader with a microphone. I’d bet $20 if they were to keep the cameras rolling during commercial breaks, you’d find Simon in the bathroom doling out swirlies and pantsing people. Marketable skill indeed.

Here’s Simon and his flat top leaving his hotel in Birmingham yesterday. Images thanks to WENN.com. Header photo of Simon in Glasgow on June 8th used solely to illustrate previous hair-related diatribe. Image thanks to Fame Pictures .