Jessica Biel frightens her boyfriend, Justin Timberlake. These aren’t fears about commitment, or babies, or even career setbacks. Justin’s bête noire isn’t even that his girlfriend is so ravishingly beautiful that she’ll never be able to work or function again. No, Justin is merely scared of Jessica’s “superior athleticism”. It has Justin “mortified” according to the National Enquirer. Apparently Jessica’s workouts are so frequent and so proficient, she literally runs circles around Justin, especially when they’re trying to run together. And… chuckle…snarf…cough… Jessica even yells at Justin when he can’t keep up. Imagine me smothering a giggle. Poor emasculated Justin. Poor little JT. Chuckle.

Jessica Biel is running circles around Justin Timberlake, and he’s frustrated he can’t keep up with her!

“Jessica’s superior athleticism has Justin mortified,” an insider told the Enquirer.

“Whenever they’re in L.A. they have a morning routine of jogging together with her dog Tina in Runyon Canyon. But Jessica is almost always a few paces ahead.”

“As Justin huffs and puffs up the hill, Jessica will turn around, never breaking stride and holler, ‘Let’s go! Come on! Work it!’ Justin loves Jessica, but he’d rather she behave more like a girlfriend than a hard-driving personal trainer.”

Justin… is struggling to keep pace with [Jessica’s] six-times-a-week cross-training workouts. To keep her ultra lean, muscular 120-pound figure, Jessica jogs five times a week, alternates swimming and yoga two to three times a week, and has thrice-weekly weight-training sessions with her personal trainer.

The actress, who can bench-press 100 pounds, also boxes, snowboards, and plays soccer and beach volleyball.

“Justin always considered himself a bit of a jock, but he has nothing on Jessica. She also put Justin on her protein-intensive diet and doesn’t like him eating carbs after 5 p.m.

“The hunger pangs – and Jessica’s health kick – are putting Justin in a bad mood.”

[From National Enquirer, print edition, August 10 2009]

Dude… Jessica makes Justin adhere to her low-carb diet? But that boy is skinny as a rail. A stiff wind could knock him over. He needs to eat! Let him have a pizza, Jess! Also, Jessica can bench press a 100 pounds? It’s been a while since I did any weight training, but I seem to remember 50 pounds being tough. Then again, I have practically no upper-body strength. I carry all my strength in my legs. My calf muscles are bigger than Justin’s. But it’s okay – he’s our tiny dancer! What he lacks in strength and athleticism, he makes up for in hip thrusts and moonwalks. I bet he can do the “Cabbage Patch” like the wind.

All jokes aside, I do take minor issue with the whole idea that Jessica’s athleticism is somehow emasculating. Yes, it’s probably specifically emasculating to JT, but I know many men who adore women who take working out seriously. Jessica should be going out with one of those guys – like a professional athlete or a trainer. Or someone who doesn’t want to compete with her in a friendly little game of “Who has the bigger bicep?”