Kelly Ripa and Mark Consuelosâ middle child, Lola, started her freshman year at New York University last week. Kelly noted the occasion by posting the IG above of her kissing Lola goodbye, which actually gave me a little lump in my throat. Three days prior, Kelly had posted this throwback photo of Lolaâs christening, again with an emotional caption:
Kelly was posting a lot of nice Lola pics leading up to her send off. Iâve criticized Kelly for doing the opposite when it comes to Lola so I wanted to give her credit as well. I havenât sent kids off to school yet so I can only imagine how hard it is. This is Kellyâs second goodbye, her son Michael also attended NYU. But âgoodbye and good luckâ wasnât the only message Kelly had for Lola as she embarked on her new life, she also wanted Lola to know she canât come home. Only Kellyâs setting boundaries for Lolaâs benefit and sheâs pretty on the money with her reasoning.
The reason Kelly said she needs Lola to stay at school for her own good is as follows:
Kelly was saying that Lola has gone away to college. Itâs a big deal. When she went away, you said that, you know, sheâs not that far from home, but you want her to feel like sheâs far from home.
The whole thing is, college is where you start establishing yourself as an independent person. And I think that when you send your kid away to college, if your kid stays sort of local, you get all of the hassle of sending you kid away to college and none of the sympathy or empathy from your friends. Like, your friends go, âoh, at least sheâs nearby.â And I go, yeah, but thatâs not good. Because if she feels homesick, say, I have to say to her, âno, you canât come home. You have to work it out. Work out whatever youâre going through. Figure it out. I did the same thing with my son. Itâs like, youâre going to have to figure out how to be an adult. This is when you figure it out. Because, the thing is â you got in to more than one school. And when we sat down which school you should go to, this was my main concern. My main concern was, I donât know if you should be this close to home because I donât want you using home like itâs your home. I want you to use it as an experience.
First off, I donât think thereâs a right or wrong answer here. But, for once, Iâm on Kellyâs side. Not the part about not getting any sympathy for your kid going off to school, I donât need that. But about kids working through their homesickness or working towards independence. My brothers and I went away for school; same state but several hours away. School/campuses offer a sense of built-in community so itâs a nice bridge between living at home and moving out on your own. My home was my safe place during high school, which I hated. I chose a school where I knew none of my former classmates would be, but that meant leaving my safe space. It was hard, but probably the best thing in the world for me.
And I think the temptation is on both sides. Few parents will receive a call with a crying child saying they want to come home and not race over to pick them up. So, proximity works against both sides’ will power. Later in the interview, Kelly said sheâd tried to talk her kids in going to school in San Diego just so she could visit the West Coast. This I can relate to. We visited Cambridge once and my daughter thought it was so pretty, she said sheâd like to go there. She was 10 at the time but I keep reminding her of it because I want an excuse to get a pied-a-terre in Saffron-Walden. Whether Lola goes home or not, I wish her luck in this next phase of her life.
Photo credit: WENN Photos and Instagram
Sheâs literally ten minutes away.
Yeah, it’s easier for college first-years to make that break when your family is so close to college. It’s quite possible she’s going to run into her family walking down the street to class. I wonder if she’s going to live in the dorms or whether her parents set her up in a nice apartment. There is sort of a luxury to going to school a bit of a distance from home where you just can’t pop back home for a weekend. You’re forced to create your new community.
When I went to school 2.5 hours away, my older siblings all set me down and told me I wasnât allowed to come home for at least six weeks. They said if I came home too early, I would just keep coming home on weekends. I needed six weeks to settle in and feel a part of the school. Best advice ever!
Which, I think, supports Kellyâs point. I have two kids away at college and the independence theyâre learning is not something theyâd be gaining if they could come home any time and have me handle it.
I know a couple other parents whose kids are on campuses pretty close to us and they also are treating them as if theyâd chosen a school hours away. Giving the kids support, of course, but also room to breathe and grow.
She’ll probably get shit for it and I know it’s an individual choice (as Hecate said, no right or wrong) but I agree with her.
I rarely came home my first year in college because I never wanted to leave my friends. Major FOMO. I also just loved being in the city and had no real interest in returning to the ‘burb that I lived in for 18 years. That changed with time but the first four years or so I was all about NOT coming home. That being said, I did come home once for a week when I got REALLY sick and I was really thankful to have my mom to take care of me. So I knew I could come home if I *really* wanted or in that case, had to.
I also never moved back home after I left for college, not even for a couple months while I looked for a job or whatever. I’ve now lived in Boston for 22 years đ
My rich 1 percenter boss does every single damn thing for his college-aged kids and they are growing up to be seriously helpless, co-dependent young adults. It’s really sad to see. They are CONSTANTLY coming home for every little thing. They don’t pay rent or bills, their parents drive them everywhere, their parents call faculty or the Dean if there’s an issue with classes or the dorm or now, with a landlord. They possess ZERO problem-solving skills or any ability to cope with adversity or even manage their own lives on a very basic level.
I know they’re an extreme example but also a cautionary tale about parents who don’t allow their college-aged kids to gain some independence and self-sufficiency.
I think there’s a middle ground between how you did it and how your boss is doing it with his kids. Sounds like you didn’t need your parents saying “don’t come home” b/c you didn’t want to and you embraced your independence. Some kids find that harder (like me!). I think a lot of young people flail a bit in college or their young 20’s when they’re on their own and while I totally agree that kids should learn how to handle logistical shit like scheduling classes and buying books and handling financial aid issues, etc. they’re not necessarily going to be able to handle emotional shit on their own just yet. And without proper emotional support they could turn to unhealthy ways to help them get through that difficulty. I don’t know what the right answer is, really, but I just don’t think I could turn away a homesick kid when I know that’s how I felt and it felt horrible.
Oh yeah I completely agree. As I said in my comment, I always knew I could come home if I had to or wanted to.
I think that’s the difference. And I assume Kelly wouldn’t actually turn her daughter away if she really needed her. I just got the impression that she’s helping her to see college as her new home which can be healthy for young adults who may need a bit of a push.
I also am prob too raw at the moment after taking my 2 and 4 year olds for a school visit this morning and the 2 year old cried and the 4 year old clung to me and wouldn’t say 3 words to her teacher. Hard to imagine being at the point where we’ll be sending them out into the world to figure it out on their own!
i agree with her too. my mom didn’t let me come home until after halloween. she knew i was a homebody and wanted me to be at school and make the effort and break out of my comfort zone. obviously if something bad happened she would have come to get me – but it was more of a mental exercise for me to break free a little bit.
i also should have dumped my high school boyfriend like she told me too but – i waited to do that until the summer…LOL.
This sounds really similar to how my mom was with me.
And I did the SAME thing in that I went to college while in a serious relationship with a guy from back home. That did NOT last long lol.
Yeah, the high school relationships that spill over into the college years are a big impediment to becoming independent. I made that mistake and my younger son did the same thing. His GF was still in high school and then proceeded to dump him when she went away to college 2 years later.
I was on the opposite end of things. I was incredibly homesick. I was only 2.5 hours away. But I wanted desperately to be home. It was also the same time that I started having an increase of symptoms of what turned out to be a chronic condition and I was just so emotionally and physically wiped out feeling.
Dad picked me up a lot of weekends. He took part days off work on a few Fridays and would come get me. I ended up switching programs after 2 years and moved back home to go to school more locally.
I had fun going out with my friends – and made some incredible lasting friendships while there. But sometimes I wonder if I’d have finished that degree if I had gone to the school that was only about 40 minutes away from home – where I’d have still stayed on campus, but not felt so far away.
Unlike Lizzie though, I didn’t dump my highschool boyfriend and now we’re married. But I lucked out because he is an infinitely more patient soul than I am. And kind as hell. And never said or did anything to imply that he didn’t want me to succeed at whatever I wanted to do. I was thinking about what I’d tell my (hypothetical) kid in that situation. And I think it’s a case by case basis – it worked out for me, but I also know that it won’t for the vast majority of relationships. And I probably would have been a LITTLE less homesick overall if I wasn’t tied to him. But he also was an amazing sounding board for when I was super stressed out, so it was great that way. Again – all depends on the people involved I think, but I’d definitely tell them there’s no shame in splitting.
I do hope that if I have kids, I’ll prepare them a bit more for the whole thing. I hope that they’d be less homesick than I was, and that they’d be less shy than I was.
I’m not sure I would tell my (hypothetical) kid anything TBH. Because if your mom had told you it wouldn’t last, you probably wouldn’t have listened or cared. I think young adults need to learn those lessons on their own–lessons that facilitate maturity. They learn what their emotional limitations are and what they’re ready to handle in terms of a relationship.
I’m glad everything worked out so well for you and your husb though, Erinn. đ
Just goes to show you how subjective and individual everyone’s college experience is.
I 100% ageee. My first year of college was a disaster and a big part of it was my parents letting me come home every single weekend and so I didnât have to get involved in the school community or learn to adjust. I would have been much better off being forced to interact.
My daughter chose a school near us solely based on the combination of athletics and academics but lived in student housing. But yeah she had us nearby if she needed anything. She just took a fantastic job three hours away and Iâm in total denial. Sheâs lived in the same city as us for 25 years and although Iâm so happy for her, Iâm still grieving the move. Iâm used to getting together for a quick coffee, family dinners, birthdays etc. Iâve been very spoiled and now Iâm just sad.
I donât agree, probably because I WAS going home every weekend my first year. I guess it just depends on your kid, because I was still independent, I just wasnât happy with the social environment. I didnât make any friends, no matter how hard I tried (very small school and boy did I try. I really wanted that quintessential college experience). If I hadnât gone home, I probably would have had a breakdown. Sometimes, sh*t doesnât work out. Iâm still incredibly independent, but I really needed that escape and Iâm glad my parents let me have it.
I think more kids are living at home while attending college now. With the massive costs of college and the amount of debt us parents are in, we don’ t have those same options. Sure, go off to college and live your life if you can but attending a local school while living at home is viable too. I don’t think that this cuts into you developing an independent life. The hope is that you give them a good start emotionally and financially. I don’t really see my children having another option unless they get full rides. I’m in no way knocking what Kelly says here at all.
I lived at home while going to college for that exact reason. My hometown university had the program I wanted and gave me the most money. I feel like I did miss out a bit on the quintessential “college experience” but I did make friends and have an independent life. My parents were 100% there for me but let me (and at times forced me) to be an adult. I paid off my minimal loans early and now am a successful independent adult who is still very close to my parents.
To contrast my sister moved several states away for school and thrived. She loved it and even though she got homesick she did very well and had a great experience. She ended up moving back to our home city after school and is also a successful independent adult who is close with our parents. Really the only difference in outcome between me and her is the amount of student debt she ended up with from going to a private out of state school (which was INSANE).
It’s different for everyone and I’m sure Kelly is doing what she thinks is best for her kids and their situation.
My son is now a jr in college and transferred to a school a bit further away (still same state, not 3hrs away) and Iâm missing him like nobodyâs business!! However he has made the best use of his time in school and is doing very well. Itâs hard for us all that he is away but I do believe the college away time has been the best choice for my son. Heâs grown so much and learned a lot about âadulting.â
I donât find anything wrong with what she said, but it may sound hurtful to her kids regardless of her reasoning and good intentions. I went to school a 3 hour plane ride away and came home at Christmas and in the summer. I remember one year my mom was having friends stay with us and asked me to leave for school a few weeks early to make room for the guests. Not gonna lie, I was upset but pretended it was fine. As a parent I understand she wants her kids to be independent, but telling the world she doesnt want them to come home sounds harsh. I mean, we are discussing it, right?
My parents tried to keep both my sister and I living at home in college, complete with an 8 pm curfew. Theyâd always been helicopter parents so it was on par for them, but I moved out of the house and lived hand to mouth during university. My sister decided to stay and, at 29, is still living at home and 100% dependent on our parents. Dad pays for everything, and she barely graduated with a fluff arts degree that she canât support herself on. Our parents now wonder why she has no ambition and why she has no plans to leave the nest! I already know that my dad is leaving everything to her when they dieâso the gravy train wonât even stop there. A life of sloth, but she paid for it in more ways than one.
I think if you can, “going away” is a great experience and definitely helps establish some independence, so I do agree with her there. It has to be a little tricky with them right in the same city, to be tempted to just go home all the time.
But not everyone is ready for going away right out of high school. Some kids do better with a year or two at community college. A lot of kids can’t afford to go away to college, or college at all.
I generally agree with what Kelly is saying here, but her children are lucky to have such opportunities.
Yeah, erm…I don’t agree with this at all. I commuted to school all four years, lived with my parents. It was a cost-saving measure that worked out well for me, because I was able to save money and buy my own home after college. I’m a very independent person who was involved with clubs and had an on-campus job, but I’m also close with my family, so it made me happy to be able to see them (mind you, this wasn’t often even though we lived together â I was busy!). We contain multitudes. Wanting to see your family on the weekends doesn’t mean you won’t be independent.
I think it takes a lot of strength to say to your child donât come home, grow your wings.
My oldest just started middle school and Iâm dying at the thought of him going away for college.
I came home many weekends not to see my family (selfish brat) but to see my high school friends who didnât leave (which defeats the point and expense of going away to college).
I donât think my parents called the school for anything after elementary school. I canât imagine getting involved in my kidâs college courses.
As a community college instructor, I see lots of students whose parents micromanage them…even going with them to the library, etc.
But I also think that I lived at home and went to college 20 mins from me and ended up plenty well adjusted because my parents were super hands off. There’s no real right or wrong.
I went to school about a hour away by plane. Freshman and sophomore year, I had way too much to go home and only went home during thanksgiving, winter, and spring breaks. Then jr year, I became a little homesick and would randomly book last minute flights home (thank god for cheap southwest tickets).
Just so relieved when celeb kids go to college!
Kelly is insufferable. Lola probably doesn’t even want to come home but Kelly is making this all about her. No empathy from your friends because your child is close? Who’s looking for empathy when their child is going to college but a self-centered person like Kelly. Lola has always seemed very independent and bulked at Kelly talking about her on the show and showing pics on social to maintain her privacy so she’s probably glad to get from under her mother’s thumb and really start living life. Kelly will be whining that Lola hasn’t contacted her while at school living her best life. Grow those wings, Lola lol!