Back in March, Sam Smith gave an in-depth interview to a podcast where he spoke at length about his lifelong discomfort with the male identity, and how even when he was a small child, he felt like he never felt like a “boy.” Then in May, Sam spoke to British GQ about identifying as nonbinary, and how he was still educating himself on it and for the time being, he was still comfortable with he/his pronouns. Well, now Sam has decided: Sam will use they/them pronouns, much like Asia Kate Dillon (my fave from Billions). Sam posted this to Instagram, with the title “My Pronouns Are They/Them.”
Today is a good day so here goes. I’ve decided I am changing my pronouns to THEY/THEM ❤ after a lifetime of being at war with my gender I’ve decided to embrace myself for who I am, inside and out. I’m so excited and privileged to be surrounded by people that support me in this decision but I’ve been very nervous about announcing this because I care too much about what people think but f–k it! I understand there will be many mistakes and mis gendering but all I ask is you please please try. I hope you can see me like I see myself now. Thank you.
P.s. I am at no stage just yet to eloquently speak at length about what it means to be non binary but I can’t wait for the day that I am. So for now I just want to be VISIBLE and open. If you have questions and are wondering what this all means I’ll try my best to explain but I have also tagged below the human beings who are fighting the good fight everyday. These are activists and leaders of the non binary/trans community that have helped me and given me so much clarity and understanding.
This reminds me a bit of Bruce/Caitlyn Jenner’s transition. First she gave that Diane Sawyer interview as Bruce, where she spoke about transitioning and how it was a process and she wasn’t ready to use she/her pronouns. And then a few months later, she became Caitlyn and we began to use the right pronouns. At an editorial level, this is how it should be – we use the pronouns given by each person, at their pace. I like that Sam went at their own pace and you could feel them gradually learning more about how to put words into how they felt. Yes, it takes a little more effort to use the non-binary language (as it does with Asia Kate Dillion), but I’m so glad that Sam is living their truth.
Photos courtesy of WENN, Avalon Red.
I adored this statement. It’s wonderful for people to see this happen with people with a profile and if they help to normalise it even a little then that’s a good thing.
+1!!
All the best to Sam.
I am wondering, who the multiple persons inside him are. I get it that he never felt like a “boy” but I would sincerely like to know more about how he came to that conclusion of choosing “they/them” as who he would like to be called.
I`ve often felt (since I was about 4) like I should have been born as a boy, also, I personally embrace my female body and have decided that`s who I am going to be for this lifetime (since I feel like I have been both male and female in my previous lives).
Very, very interesting subject.
And all the best, to you, too, KLO! You’re a gift to us in this lifetime.
I think it is past time the English language came up with non-binary pronouns.
The ‘They/Them pronouns just do feel natural.
Actually this is a good idea, ‘they/ their’ feels like chatting about a group of people, instead of a singular one.
This is how I feel. The pizza driver makes moderate sense, but once we know who we’re talking about, we use a singular noun. I will call you the female, the male or they, but the use of a plural pronoun just feels sloppy. And yes I’m aware language evolves. Forcing it to evolve from one accepted meaning to something completely different is awkward and I wish we had non-binary singular pronouns. Weren’t people talking about adopting some Swedish pronouns, perhaps three years back?
I find it really difficult to refer to non-binary persons in German. We don’t have any other good pronouns besides he, she and it. And i certainly won’t call a non-binary person “it”.
I should really get educated on that and find out how germaan non-binary persons like to be called, beside their names, obv.
@Anna, I must admit that’s something a German speaker and I had an involved discussion about this topic the other day. You’re not alone.
You would use the German words for they and them.
@Karla: in German, the same word (“sie”) is used for they, them and she.
I was wondering the same thing about my language.
But we have a different problem. They/them used to be a super polite pronoun, but after that function was taken over by plural you/your, they/them became the mocking polite pronoun.
So far I can’t find anything online about this issue. I guess not many people have come out as nonbineries to be heard here.
And Charliepenn’s solution from below doesn’t work here either because we use masculine for unknowns.
I non-binary activist I follow explained it in a way that made it much easier for me to conceptualize:
Imagine if you saw someone’s backpack in a school office. The school secretary might ask “we found this in the hall, is it yours?” And you might respond “nope it’s not mine. I hope they come find their backpack soon!” (Referring to the unknown owner of the backpack). You don’t know the person’s gender so you automatically refer to the owner as “they”.
Or another one: you order a pizza and half an hour later the doorbell rings. You don’t know if the delivery person is male or female. You call to your roommate “they’re here!”. Again your mind has naturally gone to “they” because you don’t know the gender.
So we actually do use they/them pronouns when referring to a singular person of unknown gender all the time! And we don’t find it confusing in those moments! We just have to make the switch to using it when referring to someone we are looking at and interacting with.
Charliepenn, thanks for this comment! Actually makes a lot of sense
Charliepenn- good point. They/Them is often used as a genderless singular pronoun even though it’s technically plural. I personally believe the language is evolving so that they/them will either come to also be singular as well as plural, or we will create a new genderless singular pronoun.
Kind of. They is used in those situations. But often (more often?) It is avoided altogether in English in those scenarios. I.e. “pizza’s here!” Or “I hope someone comes back for it!” (The backpack example). It’s also why people often use “he or she” and his/her instead of always using “they” or “their.” Not to say we can’t get used to it but it is an awkward feeling and lesser used construction, which is partly why people mess it up all the time. It’s an interesting linguistic topic- the question of why they/their feels so awkward to say when it should be fine. Maybe because they is most commonly used as plural so it makes you feel like you are mixing up plural/singular.
Great examples! I work with preschoolers (Speech Pathologist) and many children struggle with pronouns. I don’t know as I have ever had a day when it hasn’t been a target for someone. Some little ones, even at 3 years of age are clearly not going to fall into traditional gender paths. I have become much more careful, when we are moving away from very clear examples of he/she: his/hers; him/her with gender specific therapy pictures, to more everyday items/pictures, to say – we can say “they”. It will be a long road to change pronoun use, but at least if someone tells us what they prefer, we can honor that request.
Charliepenn,
Both of those examples involve unknown entities which could either be singular or plural. Referring to a specifuc individual in the plural is a whole reworking of English grammar. We need a non binary singular pronoun. I like ze/zim/zer
I agree with CharlieRose and others: it’d be best to form a new pronoun. I was raised by a professional writer and grammarian, and I always bother to say “His or her backpack is in the office!” We come up with new words every day; how hard would it be?
My son’s 12 year old step daughter came out as non binary a few months back. She has been seeing a therapist for a year for issues and her therapist feels this is why. She was confused. I guess I should be using they/ them now but going to take time to get used to the speak. I am proud of my son and wife for listening to them. The bio dad is okay. But his loony religious mother is a nightmare. She tries the laying of hands and praying for satan to leave .
I have never wanted to smack someone with my broomstick so bad.
Announcing this can’t be easy in this climate of hate and division. I know their supporters will far outnumber any haters but sometimes those voices scream the loudest, which sucks. Best to Sam.
whatever makes him happy. he seems like a nice person. but I do feel that people now don’t understand you can be a guy who is more feminine or has some feminine tastes, interest,etc. everybody has both feminine and masculine energy in them. I am a woman and I have many masculine tastes, interests and personality traits and sometimes feel very masculine. however, I don’t understand why that would be something special and why it’d require people to call me by some neutral pronouns. I don’t get it why now people are into those things when we’ve all always been both masculine and feminine. some people are trans and some are intersex, that’s okay, but most of us are what I described. I feel like people nowadays are confused. and once more…I’m a fan of his music and like him and would call him the way he wants if I met him, but this is my impression.
So they say they’re using “they/them” now and you continue to use “he”. Frankly that disqualifies the rest of your comment. Which I still read but still found it completely ignorant of the actual issues here.
Hey horseandhound, you do not have gender dysphoria. You are not non-binary. If you are a woman who has lots of “masculine traits” but you still feel comfortable with people viewing you as a woman and referring to you as a woman than you are a cisgender female.
Do some reading and stop spewing bullshit.
I found your first paragraph to be a super helpful response to horseandhound. I can’t tell if they 😉 were on a learning curve or trying to be disagreeable. But I sure wish we could help each other out…we are in this together, after all.
@horseandhound the world is filled with men and women who don’t ascribe to their gender binaries and who dress and act however they feel like but still use the pronoun they were born with – that’s not going to suddenly stop because of Sam. To be honest, if your gender isn’t important to how you live your life, why do you care that Sam no longer relates to the gender binary they were born with and societies’ strict rules for how men are supposed to behave? There is zero harm to anyone here, and respecting what people want to be called is just basic manners.
@horseandhound
It takes the smallest amount of effort to to refer to someone with changed pronouns. If they’ve asked you to do something, especially something that makes them feel better about themselves, then that should be enough to want to respect their wishes, full stop.
You don’t need to understand the why of changing pronouns, just that they have asked you to refer to them that way. It’s disrespectful to intentionally call someone something they’ve explicitly expressed they no longer want to be referred to. If I called you a nickname you told me you didn’t care for and said “hey, that’s not my name. Please don’t call me that” but I kept calling you by the nickname, that’s rude, right?
Again, you don’t have to get or understand the why if you don’t want to. Just respect other humans, especially when it does not affect you in the slightest. Really. How does this request affect you?
We are reverting back to archaic gender norms that dictate hypermasculinity for men and hyperfemininity for women.
You can be anything you want to be but if you are feminine you are not a real boy/ if you are masculine you are not a real girl.
@Hikaru, surely the truly progressive take is to say that gender binaries and gender expression are fluid and non-restrictive. So, Sam saying that they may be a biological male but do not identify as masculine or with male pronouns is a progressive step forward and the opposite of archaic?
Nope. In no universe is a man saying he is not a man anymore because he feels feminine a step forward.
@Hikaru So…to clarify; no matter how you feel, no matter what your gender expression, no matter how little you care for or relate to what is traditionally ‘male’ or ‘female’ the truly progressive thing is to always be referred to by your birth gender and pronoun? Are you being progressive or just upholding the status quo to the detriment of a minority? Plus, Sam said they feel neither male nor female (which is very different to saying you’re not a biological man BTW).
@Hikaru — where in Smith’s statement do they say they chose these pronouns because they feel “feminine?”
Spoiler, they never did. In fact when they talked about feeling “womanly” they added that wasn’t that stage where they felt discomfort. Their exact words in the linked interview are: “it’s when I’m in the middle of that switch that I get really, really depressed and sad. Because I don’t know who I am or where I am or what I’m doing, and I feel very misunderstood by myself.”
Just own the truth — you are deeply discomforted by other people’s journeys to express and understand themselves. Why, I have no idea, but it’s about you and not them. I hope you figure out what your deal is, though.
that’s my point hikaru. I don’t see this as progress. people seem more lost. every little part of their identity has a label. that’s not freeing at all. also, to accept trans people and intersex people and all people in general for who they are is great, but this culture sounds confusing.
Horseandhound- it is not confusing. Trans/non-binary folks will literally tell you their choice of gender and pronouns. You simply don’t want to listen. You are being a jerk deliberately refusing to use Sam’s requested terminology just because you don’t understand. I’ll say it again for those in the back: you don’t need to understand. You just need to be a decent human being and use the labels you’re being asked to use. The only thing confusing about this issue is why anyone would choose to b-tch about labels when it’s easier to just be tolerant and respectful to a person’s request.
@horseandhound:
“to accept trans people and intersex people and all people in general for who they are is great, but this culture sounds confusing.”
In other words: equality is great! … but not TOO much.
Hey, you know what I remember from the nineties and early aughts? People using this same argument against the right of same-sex couples to marry or adopt. Isn’t it enough to just live and let live, people used to say. Why do we have to acknowledge their personhood beyond allowing them to exist? Won’t that be CONFUSING for young people, won’t that give them the wrong idea about how they should live or feel?
Well, the laws are changing, and yet somehow heterosexuality persists! Despite the option of being legally queer! No one is “confused” by learning a new pronoun option, any more than they’re “confused” by learning about a new word, or a new place on the map. If people are confused it’s because identity and relationships and one’s connection to oneself can be, in fact, confusing. If some people have never felt that way, congrats. But I don’t see why that gives them the right to judge others for taking their own journeys and embracing their own discoveries. If you’re truly happy and satisfied with your lot, why be so concerned with that others garner for themselves out of life?
@ KL: VERY well said and I agree 100%.
It’ll take much less effort as an adult to learn how to use language differently, than it did when you were a child and people had to teach you over and over how to address people. If someone’s made the huge effort to make public a decision about identity, you can make the comparatively tiny effort to be mindful of your language.
Is the addition of them a signal that we’re talking about all pronouns? Or is there a time when they don’t follow the common path of she/her, etc?As in, he/them or they/her.
Good for them! I knew they were out as nonbinary but I didn’t know preferred pronouns. (I tend to default to they/their for nonbinary folx until told otherwise as it is least likely to offend.)
Good for them. Everyone should be free to be themselves.
It costs nothing to be kind and respectful to others.
LOVE LOVE LOVE that they added that P.S.
I think as a culture we tend to assume that all people of minority groups are official representatives of those groups and hold them to much higher standards than we would a typical cisgendered white person.
They are somewhat lucky english is their first language where this kind of thing is possible and requires minimal effort.
In my language I don’t think it can be done. They is gendered, verbs are mostly gendered, you wouldn’t be able to speak at all without using gendered words. Maybe using the neutral form it but that seems dehumanising ( in english at least because it usually refers to things, in croatian things are also gendered, a table is a he, a chair is a she, etc.).
I really wish people would stop saying “their truth” or “my truth”. It sounds so silly. Something is either the truth or not the truth. Please just say “it is the truth”.
But my truth might not be your truth.
Your truth, your perspective, might not be mine. I don’t find it that silly.
It’s an inclusive way of saying that you aknowledge that we all live our lives from our own beliefs and that there’s room for that.
I also wish there was a new word for nonbinary pronouns. They/them in English has meant plural. I was reading an article recently about a singular person and it kept saying “they” and I thought “who is this group of people?” Then, midway through the article, the author said “x identifies as nonbinary and uses they/them” and I understood but up until then I was confused. Almost need to say it at the begining of every article because there will always be someone who doesn’t know.
We need to create a new pronoun like “hem” or “hir” and get it into our lexicon as soon as possible. New words are being created daily and added to dictionaries like stan and swole and haptics and rando, this seem a much more important than these new words.
So do “they” and “them” use the first names anymore? I tend to say a persons name in conversation or referencing a person. Idk seems more personable. I can’t recall saying “they’re here” when take-out shows up. I’ll usually say “pizza is here! Finally!!” Maybe Prince was onto something by referring to use a symbol? Maybe that’s best. Can’t wait to see how that translate overseas.
I look forward to someone coming up with an entirely new way of addressing people with pronouns. They/Them is plural and confusing. If someone is a “they” do they also say “I”? Or do they say “We”? I’m a grammar teacher who spends a lot of time talking about subject/verb agreements and this new idea throws a wrench in my grammar teaching.
Yeah, it could create so much confusion.
We need whole new pronouns! ASAP!
In my native Estonian language there is no separation between men and women when talking about someone. Everybody is just “tema”.
In my native language it just can’t be done. The only existing neutral pronoun is singular and can be used only for certain, gender-neutral objects (even most objects have a gender- a wall is female, a potato is male etc), using it for a person would sound extremely dehumanising (some right wing extremists actually use it for non-binary people – as a slur, and it sounds horrible). Plural pronouns are gendered too (neutral singular turns to female plural), as well as all the verbs. English is flexible, but some languages just don’t work like this.
My language is the same. All substantives and adjectives have genders (which are not always the same as natural sexes), and so do most verb forms.
If you wanted to create new pronouns and suffixes (because all are gendered here), you’d have to invent many forms for different word groups. I don’t think it’s realiatic to expect the general public would care for that. They already make fun of the English attempts at new pronouns.
And using existing ones is tricky because outside of M and F they have different layered meanings. Almost any could be interpreted as an insult.
My first name is long and very easily (and commonly) shortened. However, I dislike the shortened version of my name. There are still tons of people who naturally shorten my name and I correct them politely. Most will just take one request and its not an issue, but there are a select few who shorten my name regardless of how often I correct them or outright ask to be called my preferred name. They know it bugs me and I swear are doing it intentionally to test me. The pronoun issue will face this on a much bigger level. Sam made the request to use the pronoun they prefer and that is that. It is not anyone’s place to decide what a person should answer to, just like I am not obligated to respond to an address I don’t agree with.
So, not that I’m excited that this was their announcement but I had just started to use these pronouns when telling my kids a bedtime story. It was kinda hard and I had to catch myself everytime I said he/she. But when this news came out, the kids knew what it meant! Yay.