Tiffany Haddish is not one to hold back. Her photo appears next to the definition of ‘Open Book’ in the dictionary. Okay, it doesn’t really, but it should, because if you ask Tiffany anything, she’ll answer you, whether you want to hear the details or not. Tiffany recently appeared on Serge Ibaka’s bit on Bleacher Report’s channel, How Hungry Are You, in which he interviews folks and cooks them terrible food items. He made Tiffany a cooked worm salad, which she ate. During the interview, Serge asked Tiffany about defecating in a former boyfriend’s shoe. She’s mentioned this story before, once on The Talk and then in more detail in her memoir. In case you skipped that chapter, here’s your chance to hear about the incident in all its gory complexity, including what she’d eaten before she did it. Oh joy. Please be careful if you are reading this on your lunch break

Did you really poo in your ex’s shoe?

Yes, I did poop in my ex’s shoe, in some Jordan’s… He cheated on me on videotape on my birthday. I was very upset, I was emotional, and I felt like he had poo’d on my soul, so then I decided to poop in the sole of his shoes. Then I asked him if he wanted to go play basketball, cause we used to play basketball together all the time. He had just got these brand new Jordans and he had left them at my house, so I put em right over my booty hole and put the shoe back in the box. And I brought em over to his house. And was like, “Babe lets go play basketball! Put on your new Jays! You gon’ kill em on the court! You gon’ be the flyest dude on the court in your new Jays!” And he put his foot in the shoe, and he pulled his foot out – and I made sure I ate corn too, so he knew it was human – and he pulled his foot out and he was like: “Oh my god, somebody *** in my shoe!” and I was like: “Yeah, for all the *** you put me through now you walkin’ in it mother…!” And I ran out the house, and I knew he wasn’t gon’ chase me cause he not finna track doo-doo all through his mama house. I just wanted to get revenge without going to jail

[From YouTube via DListed]

I love that Tiffany has refined the story to the point that she’s made it into a metaphor for the betrayal she felt. I’m laughing at the poetry of “I felt like he had poo’d on my soul,” as if somehow, we can find the beauty in her sh**ting in someone’s shoe.

However, she definitely had cause. I mean, “Happy birthday, here’s video evidence I banged some random,” deserved some dramatic reciprocity. As disgusting as I find this, I am impressed with all the thought she put in to it, like planning her lunch around it, replacing the shoe carefully in the box, making sure he couldn’t chase her because he’d risk the wrath of his mother, and then have to explain what he’d done. Tiffany goes on to say that in her special, Black Mitzvah that comes out on December 3rd, she discusses all the ways to get revenge without going to jail. Honestly, if she puts this much attention into all her revenge plans, it might be worth taking a few notes.

Photo credit: WENN Photos and YouTube