A few commenters pointed this out yesterday as we slavishly lapped up Gwyneth Paltrow’s advice on making the perfect Goopy salad with McDonald’s special sauce. It’s a piece in Vanity Fair’s “Vanities” section online (and I would assume, in the September issue) called “‘Gwyneth Paltrow’ shares her secrets of happiness with Craig Brown”. It’s a spoof, or satire, that the magazine often does, usually of the most megalomaniacal personalities out there. Previously, they’ve spoofed everyone from Heather Mills to Bono to Madonna. What’s particularly funny about this spoof is that I’m pretty sure Craig Brown has taken bits and pieces from real Goop newsletters and made her sound completely incoherent and pretentious – so, basically, it’s sort of honoring the spirit of Goop:

Go-I love film. After a yummy meal for the whole family and some truly great friends, we often go out to see something beautiful and unique.
-Here’s a tip for all moms. Never ask young children to pay when you go out to the movie theater. It is simply unfair to ask a four-year-old to pay for herself.
-Why not give her the trip as a very special present? That way, you—and she—can learn so much more about what it is to love and to give. Repayment can come later.
-Next week, we learn to ride a bicycle with a world-expert bicycle nutritionist.

Do
-Many of you have asked if I have any tips on how to get leggings on quicker. My in-house leggings guru advises rubbing onto your legs a paste made from five spoonfuls of extra-virgin olive oil, turbinado sugar, and coarsely ground fair-trade coffee. If you have any further problems, then next week I’ll be recommending a truly great creative-leggings clinic.

See
-What is it about books that make them so truly great to read? I think it’s the way the words are printed on every page, the right way up and in just the right order.
-This means you can start reading on the first page and then continue reading through the middle pages all the way to the last page.
-Here are some of my absolute favorite books. War, by Leo Tolstoy. A great read. Bonus: You can get it as part of a two-volume edition which includes Peace by the same great author.
-Shakespeare, by Shakespeare. He has so many great lines. “Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?” “Frankly, my dear, I don’t give a damn.” “I am the Walrus.” “My heart will go on.” They’re part of the language.
-Next week, we learn to peel a banana with a world-expert fruit psychologist.

Be
-To be or not to be. That was the question posed by one great man. It’s a tough one. My choice? To be.
-I love being. There’s so much wisdom in it. You wake up in the morning and you think, Hey, isn’t it great just being?
-But not to be would be just as great too, I guess.
-Next week, we learn to make yummy blueberry-and-goat’s-rennet ice cream served with arugula and coconut water.

Get
-Do you sometimes get the feeling you just have too much going on?
At one end of the room the kids are crying out for you to teach them how to make that truly great detox teriyaki salad with miso-nettle dressing. At the other end of the room there’s a new movie script sent to you by the cuddly and awesome director Sam Mendes.
-And then the phone rings and it’s your supercool friend Madonna Ciccone begging you to step into that favorite old cut-price Balenciaga knee-length dress with your buckle belt and outrageous tartan boots and come with her to the opening of this great new restaurant up on East 54th Street.
-Meanwhile, you are desperately trying to get your butt in great shape while nourishing your inner aspect by learning how to fold napkins in a way that will make them more ecologically sustainable.

Make
-And at that moment your personal trainer calls with this amazing new recipe for a detox face cream consisting of oatmeal, bee pollen, butterfly larvae, organic anti-freeze, sunflower extract, and liquid Lycra.
-How do you cope? This is my method—and it would be great if you tried it, too.
-Get your nanny to look after the kids, your agent to deal with Mendes, your kitchen staff to fold the napkins, your environmentalist to mix the face cream, and your lovely P.A. to book the table.
-You know what? My life is good because I am not passive about it. I invest in what is real. Like real people, to do real things, for the real me.

[From Vanity Fair]

I love it, because it really sounds like Gwyneth. My favorite is the “Be” section. I swear, some of that stuff came right out of Goop. It needs a “William Joel” reference though. Everything needs a “William Joel” reference.

Meanwhile, the Daily Mail has this weird story up about Gwyneth. They claim that Goopy is encouraging all of us to make our own skin care products from brown sugar and oats and other stuff – which she really did, in a Goop newsletter from a few months ago. It’s not really breaking news, I think the Mail just wants to make fun of Goopy for something. With lines like “’The mind wants to focus on flaws. Ease it into remembering the beauty of who you are” it’s not really difficult to have a chuckle.