God, I feel old. The Teen Choice Awards were held last night, but they aren’t coming on television until tonight, on Fox. So this entire post is a gigantic SPOILER, just be forewarned. Anyhoodle, it seems like everyone who went home with some kind of half-baked award. Before I get into who won what, let’s just do some highlights/lowlights of the evening:

* Twilight beat Slumdog Millionaire for Best Drama
* Robert Pattinson & Kristen Stewart are king and queen of the Teen Twihards
* Kristen wore a dress that looked like she walked around the Home Depot with a magnetic skirt. Have you seen this thing? I declare it “The Don’t-Get-Near-My-Vajayjay Porcupine Skirt”. Did Pattz get to take it off of her later?
* Pattinson’s hair is officially out of control. And his red carpet poses are weird. He looks… smug. Like he’s getting laid. Like Kristen is putting out. I like him better when he’s desperate and vulnerable.
* Miley Cyrus won big, picking up six awards in all, including “Choice Hissy Fit”
* Miley “sang” a song live with a stripper pole front and center. We get it, Miley. You like to study the Bible on your stripper pole.
* Kim Kardashian with lightened hair. It’s looks horrible, and it ages her by fifteen years.
* Chelsea Handler won… but why?
* Kathy Griffin showed up with a date… baby-daddy Levi Johnston! Gross.
* Britney looked… healthy, I guess. The dress was boring, but her eyes didn’t look glassy, so that’s a plus.

Here’s the list of each and every 2009 Teen Choice Award, courtesy of E! Online:

Film
Drama: Twilight
Comedy: Night at the Museum: Battle of the Smithsonian
Action/Adventure: X-Men Origins: Wolverine
Horror/Thriller: Friday the 13th
Bromantic Comedy: Marley & Me
Chick Flick: 27 Dresses
Music/Dance: High School Musical 3: Senior Year
Summer Movie, Drama: My Sister’s Keeper
Summer Movie, Comedy: Up
Summer Movie, Romance: The Proposal
Summer Movie, Action/Adventure: Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince
Actor, Drama: Robert Pattinson, Twilight
Actress, Drama: Kristen Stewart, Twilight
Actor, Action/Adventure: Hugh Jackman, X-Men Origins: Wolverine
Actress, Action/Adventure: Jordana Brewster, Fast & Furious
Actor, Comedy: Zac Efron, 17 Again
Actress, Comedy: Anne Hathaway, Bride Wars
Actress, Music/Dance: Miley Cyrus, Hannah Montana: The Movie
Actor, Music/Dance: Zac Efron, High School Musical 3: Senior Year
Summer Movie Star Male: Shia LaBeouf, Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen
Summer Movie Star Female: Megan Fox, Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen
Villain: Cam Gigandet, Twilight
Fresh Face, Male: Taylor Lautner, Twilight
Fresh Face, Female: Ashley Greene, Twilight
Hissy Fit: Miley Cyrus, Hannah Montana: The Movie
Liplock: Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson, Twilight
Rumble: Robert Pattinson vs. Cam Gigandet, Twilight
Rockstar Moment: Zac Efron, 17 Again

Television
Drama: Gossip Girl
Comedy: Hannah Montana
Action/Adventure: Heroes
Animated Show: SpongeBob SquarePants
Reality: The Hills
Reality Competition: American Idol
Actor, Drama: Chace Crawford, Gossip Girl
Actress, Drama: Leighton Meester, Gossip Girl
Actor, Action/Adventure: Tom Welling, Smallville
Actress, Action Adventure: Hayden Panettiere, Heroes
Actor, Comedy: Jonas Brothers, Jonas
Actress, Comedy: Miley Cyrus, Hannah Montana
Breakout Show: Jonas
Breakout Star Female: Demi Lovato, Sonny with a Chance
Breakout Star Male: Frankie Jonas, Jonas
Male Reality/Variety Star: Adam Lambert, American Idol
Female Reality/Variety Star: Lauren Conrad, The Hills
Villain: Ed Westwick, Gossip Girl
Fab-u-lous: Jay Alexander, America’s Next Top Model
Sidekick: Emily Osment, Hannah Montana
Late Night Show: Chelsea Lately
Parental Unit: Billy Ray Cyrus, Hannah Montana
Summer TV Show: Princess Protection Program
Summer TV Star Female: Selena Gomez, Princess Protection Program
Summer TV Star Male: Daren Kagasoff, The Secret Life of the American Teenager

Music
Male Artist: Jason Mraz
Female Artist: Taylor Swift
Rap Artist: Kanye West
R&B Artist: Beyoncé
Rock Group: Paramore
Breakout Artist: David Archuleta
Album Male Artist: Jason Mraz, We Sing, We Dance, We Steal Things
Album Female Artist: Taylor Swift, Fearless
Music Single: Miley Cyrus, “The Climb”
Hook-Up: Lady Gaga and Colby O’Donis, “Just Dance”
Love Song: David Archuleta, “Crush”
R&B Track: Beyoncé, “Single Ladies”
Rap/Hip-Hop Track: Black Eyed Peas, “Boom Boom Pow”
Rock Track: Paramore, “Decode”
Soundtrack: Twilight
Tour: Demi Lovato and David Archuleta
Summer Song: Jonas Brothers and Miley Cyrus, “Before the Storm”

Sports
Male Athlete: David Beckham
Female Athlete: Shawn Johnson
Male Action Sports Athlete: Ryan Sheckler
Female Action Sports Athlete: Stephanie Gilmor

Special Awards
Male Hottie: Robert Pattinson
Female Hottie: Megan Fox
Twit (Twitterer): Ellen DeGeneres
Web Star: Fred
Activist: Hayden Panettiere
Red Carpet Fashion Icon Female: Selena Gomez
Red Carpet Fashion Icon Male: Jonas Brothers
Comedian: George Lopez
Celebrity Pet: Bo, the Obamas’ dog
Video Game: Rock Band 2
Celebrity Baby: Honor Marie Warren, daughter of Jessica Alba and Cash Warren
Celebrity Dancer: Selena Gomez
Ultimate Choice Award: Britney Spears

[From E! Online]

Not much more to say about this atrocity. I guess I should point out some of the biggest losers: Blake Lively, Kate Hudson, Brangelina, anyone involved with Slumdog Millionaire and the brain cells of America. Congratulations to the winners!

Shown in alphabetical order by first name (except for the Jonas brothers) are Alexis Bledel, Ashley Tisdale, Audrina Patridge, Britney Spears, Cameron Diaz, Chace Crawford, Ed Westwick, Emily Osment, Emma Roberts, Fergie, Hayden Panettiere, Hugh Jackson, Joe Jonas, Kevin Jonas, Nick Jonas, Jordin Sparks, Kathy Griffin and her date Levi Johnston, Kat Von D, Kim Kardashian, Kristen Stewart, Leighton Meester, Megan Fox, Mike Tyson, Miley Cyrus, Robert Pattinson, KellanLutz, Jackson Rathborne, Selena Gomez, Taylor Lautner, Vanessa Hudgens, and Zac Efron. Credit: WENN.com and Juan Rico/Fame Pictures.