****Trigger Warning
In February, the Welsh singer Duffy revealed why she had stepped away from music and everything else for the better part of a decade: she was the victim of a horrific crime. She was kidnapped and raped years ago, and it’s taken her a long time and years of therapy to speak about what happened publicly. Duffy told the brief story of what happened to her on her Instagram, and promised that when she was strong enough, she would tell the more complete story. I feel like she’s also easing us into what happened because even in 2020, even after Me Too, there will be some people who nitpick her story or question the details of her story. Duffy has now given us what she promised, a full account of what happened to her. You can read her account here. Here’s part of it:
Rape stripped me of my human rights, to experience a life with autonomy from fear. It has already stolen one third my of life. Deep down I do know it would have been a shame and done such an immense disservice to my existence to just delete myself and forget what I had experienced in music publicly.
…It was my birthday, I was drugged at a restaurant, I was drugged then for four weeks and travelled to a foreign country. I can’t remember getting on the plane and came round in the back of a travelling vehicle. I was put into a hotel room and the perpetrator returned and raped me. I remember the pain and trying to stay conscious in the room after it happened. I was stuck with him for another day, he didn’t look at me, I was to walk behind him, I was somewhat conscious and withdrawn. I could have been disposed of by him. I contemplated running away to the neighbouring city or town, as he slept, but had no cash and I was afraid he would call the police on me, for running away, and maybe they would track me down as a missing person. I do not know how I had the strength to endure those days, I did feel the presence of something that helped me stay alive. I flew back with him, I stayed calm and as normal as someone could in a situation like that, and when I got home, I sat, dazed, like a zombie. I knew my life was in immediate danger, he made veiled confessions of wanting to kill me. With what little strength I had, my instinct was to then run, to run and find somewhere to live that he could not find.
The perpetrator drugged me in my own home in the four weeks, I do not know if he raped me there during that time, I only remember coming round in the car in the foreign country and the escape that would happen by me fleeing in the days following that. I do not know why I was not drugged overseas; it leads me to think I was given a class A drug and he could not travel with it.
After it happened, someone I knew came to my house and saw me on my balcony staring into space, wrapped in a blanket. I cannot remember getting home. The person said I was yellow in colour and I was like a dead person. They were obviously frightened but did not want to interfere, they had never seen anything like it.
Thereafter, it didn’t feel safe to go to the police. I felt if anything went wrong, I would be dead, and he would have killed me. I could not risk being mishandled or it being all over the news during my danger. I really had to follow what instincts I had. I have told two female police officers, during different threatening incidents in the past decade, it is on record.
And as I grieved what ‘I must have done to invite this into my life’, I read something that said, “in the end, it’s never between them and you, it’s always between them and God”. That helped me a lot in the absence of justice.
I believe her, and I also believe she was drugged and moved around while she was kidnapped, and that the drugs and movement also explain why she can’t give a concrete timeline of when certain things happened, where and how she was moved and more. It’s horrific and it’s human trafficking and felony rape and kidnapping and all of that. Honestly, I could only get through part of her account. I want to support her but it’s such a difficult piece to read. She writes like someone who has done the work in therapy, someone who survived a huge trauma and is still making sense of it. This poor woman.
Photos courtesy of WENN.
The part where she says she felt/feels unloveable was … She’s been through so much, and to be left with all the trauma and with this feeling.. terrible. 🙁
I pray for her! Hopfully, this is a start to a new life!
Because
– She will not get her old life back as it was before.
Horrifying.
There are………a lot of strange things in this story, but I’m glad she found someone to help her recover from it.
“Strange”… is a… well strange word choice to describe someone’s trauma.
Trauma affects the brain’s ability to process and store memory sequentially
Trauma plus the administration of a drug is the perfect way to render a survivor unable to speak about what happened to them
It confuses and frightens the survivor further and allows doubt to form in anyone who does not understand trauma or rape
I am a trauma counsellor and hold a PhD- I’m not best guessing in my answer
Saying ‘strange’ is another way of saying you don’t believe her
You need to have a strong look at yourself
Bless you, Ronalidinhio.
I also read the book Body Keeps the Score recently that for people who go through trauma, putting it into words is exceedingly difficult. I know I had the same issue with mine. It’s been 10 years and I still can’t find the right words.
@Ronaldinhio, as a survivor of trauma, I can’t thank you enough for your work, or for sharing your knowledge here not only to educate but in support of survivors who read others’ responses to our stories and feel devalued and get caught once again in doubt and fear about our own perceptions and realities. It is massively dehumanizing to suffer assault and abuse and then be taken to task and questioned for it. Advocates are a lifeline. Thank you. Bless you.
@ronaldinho – thank you! I was coming here to say the same thing. The brain goes into survival mode and doesn’t create memories in the usual linear fashion since it is trying to block out some horrors while trying to stay alive. As a prosecutor we are taught trauma based questioning to help victims give their evidence. It is a new way of communicating for most of us. Now we are trying to get the judges to understand it – and sadly not all of them do.
oops Double post…
I think Natal is saying the account is somewhat confusing because it’s told in a nonlinear way. She was drugged, so it’s probably unclear in her head, too. I had to read it twice because I got confused about where she was geographically at points, and what was going on. Also, I think some of the vagueness was deliberate because she doesn’t want armchair detectives figuring out who she was with that night and publicly naming him. It’s a matter for her and the police. I mean, ultimately I think this was (or should be viewed as) something written to help her process this trauma, not as a something the public should judge.
What I took from it, though, was it sounded like this was someone she knew and at least trusted socially, someone very wealthy, someone who had arranged a private dinner, private plane, and maybe even had prior access to her and her house. Someone rich enough that they could get through customs and a hotel lobby and no one would ask questions. The mega rich seem to get waved through a lot of things, look how people maneuvered around Weinstein. Whatever the case, I forget the stats of women who knew/trusted their rapist prior to the rape, but it’s horrifically high
@Fleur
That’s the interpretation I got as well. Thank you for being so concise. I know the most horrific stories I’ve heard and experienced are truly unbelievable and sound very odd.
@Fleur – me too. Praying that this step in writing about so publicly will further aid her.
“strange” as in?…..not believable? or strange as in horrific?
please, elaborate.
It doesn’t have to make sense or be linear for you. It’s Duffy telling her story her way. Not a police report or journalistic account. She’s under no obligation to make it easier for you to understand. Words matter and when responding to or commenting on someone’s trauma they should be thought about with heightened sensitivity. Strange is not a great choice.
WTH are you talking to? I’m not in any way shape or form saying this is hard to believe or understand.
I’M QUESTIONING SOMEONE ELSE WHO CALLED IT STRANGE. Direct your scolding to that person, not me.
Apologies @whatwhat my comment was to the original poster of this thread. Sincerely an error.
@Natal, do you know I don’t think you’ve written a purely pleasant comment once? This must seem very odd, you don’t comment often, but I notice when you do, because I’m pretty sure you’re at 100% for shitty takes.
By strange you mean what?
Your comment is the very reason why she didn’t want to tell her story.
OMG, this is horrific and am so glad that she was able to escape. It sounds like she knew the person who did this to her and he is still threatening her.
I hope he is brought to justice! Stay strong Duffy, you are stronger than they are.
that poor woman 🙁
I have no words. Really raw writing. That was horrifying
Such a crazy story. I would probably have reacted the same way as she did. How terrifying knowing that your rapist is free and has threatened to come back and kill you. I’m glad she took her time to seek help and try to overcome that horrifying ordeal. The story is so sick, I don’t even want to know the details. But maybe her story will help others who have been violated and are struggling to figure out how to move on from their ordeal.
I don’t think I can read the full account, just the summary is so disturbing and upsetting. I usually try to read stories by women who want to share them, I believe it’s important that they are heard and listened to but I just can’t right now, it’s too much on top of everything. My heart goes out to her for having endured such a horrific ordeal.
I cant read this. Not now. I read the parts highlighted above, but my goodness is this horrible. The world feels so heavy now. Im purposely seeking out ruffles, and kittens, and bunnies in print, tv, and radio. I am just so sorry Duffy. Did they ever find the kidnappers? How does she feel safe coming out now with her story?
I read the whole thing and while there are many terrible part, the worst to me is the instances where people confirmed her worst fears of possble romatic partners wanting to run from her if they knew. Or nobody wanting to hear her music. She needs and deserves better people in her life.
The fact that she was drugged at A RESTAURANT is utterly horrifying. It very much sounds like the rapist is not a stranger. I hope he burns alive.
It was her birthday, she knew him…
I wish her well.
yes! It sounds like it was a friend or at least someone she knew.
Poor Duffy, I’m so glad she’s able to come out and talk about this and I hope that she really is able to create once more. Or be happy, however she chooses to live.
That’s how it seemed to me too, this was someone she knew.
The whole thing is horrific, and I wish her nothing but as much peace and healing as possible.
I really hope she finds a wonderful man and lives her BEST life.
I don’t know what to say. This is horrifying. What happened to hear…I can’t bear to think about it.
This poor woman. She sounds like she is still sorting through it. The need to speak about what happened to you is a big and important step to healing (disclosure: I was raped at 17 and have also studied sexual assault extensively). I hope she is now on the road to really moving forward with her life and regaining some normalcy.
I do think that if she wants to share more, she should find a really good journalist who she trusts and who has experience in writing about sexual assault to help her get what she needs to out clearly. She is obviously worried about backlash and misunderstandings – she needs someone to explain on her behalf how trauma affects memory and how her reactions are entirely normal for a victim of a traumatic crime. Someone to contextualise her story and help her organise her thoughts and explain them clearly.
I would wonder if the person who did it a history of human trafficking, simply because they seemed to have premeditated that attack well in advance. But Christ. What a horror story. That was a hard read, especially having a sister who went through a similar period of silence after her assault out of fear and shame.
I think one of the worst parts of trauma is that life offers no reprieve from the rest of the banalities, stresses, and griefs of life just because you experienced something awful. You have to keeping pushing through it all carrying that with you. I hope some day she is able to get to a place where she is safe and she is loved and she is given the space to heal.
They probably did have have prior experience. I imagine it started out with alcohol/date rape drugs with a few women or girls and went from there as he gained confidence. Probably had friends who knew and participated or ignored his behavior. Honestly, I keep thinking this person is similar to Epstein.
This is horrific and I hope she knows there is a lot of support out there from people despite all the nastiness out in the media and others. She’s done a lot of good sharing her story and I wish her the best throughout all of this.
Then you would know commenting on what a sexual assault survivor “needs to do” is not exactly best practice. Maybe her thoughts are organized to her. I’m sort of shocked at the dictating of what she should do or say to make it easier for others to understand going on on this post to be honest.
I don’t think she needed to do anything different. The way she wrote it was the perfect way for her to write it. I respect and honor her story, so it’s my own job to understand it In the way she wrote it, not to dictate how she should write it. It wasn’t written for any of is, it was written for her. My observations that it was no linear and I had to read it twice were just observations, not judgments on the words themselves
OMG, this is so awful and terrifying. It sounds like she doesn’t think the abuser will ever face justice but I really hope he does, someday, somehow.
Her story gutted me. The description of isolation is grim and perfectly stated.
Her story shouldn’t have to be a conveniently packaged narrative to be told. Trauma doesn’t work that way and SO MANY PEOPLE don’t know that.
no, but I’m reminded of a quote from Catcher in the Rye: (loosely paraphrased) “It’s not that educated people are the only ones with bright ideas to offer the world. But when educated people have an idea to share, that idea is more likely to be impactful because they have learned how to communicate it.”
What is her purpose in sharing her story? To communicate to others her experience with trauma and isolation. I wish she’d had someone with better writing skills work on it with her.
@GrnieWnie I think you’re a terrible person if after reading this woman’s experience you still think there’s no purpose to her sharing HER own story. You do know you’re not obligated to read it?
@Bibi. It’s not that there is no purpose to sharing her story. Of course there is a purpose and it’s amazing that she is sharing her story! But had Duffy worked with someone with better writing skills, her story could be even more impactful.
I cannot get behind your image of a world in which only the most educated and articulate voices are considered worthy of hearing. The class implications alone are trouble, let alone the horrendous racial implications.
Wow. To me, Duffy perfectly articulated so many kinds of loss: dissociation; loss of time (the past in memory, the present as she works to reclaim her place in her world, and the future as it feels so uncertain); loss of a career that she worked hard to achieve; loss of autonomy as she was held captive and abused and raped; loss of self as she was drugged and unable to behave as a unified self; loss of innocence as she has seen something in another human being that is so heinous that there aren’t adequate words for it; loss of language for the depth of her anguish and fear; the loss of hope — even those who knew here failed to act because they didn’t want to “interfere” so she was left without even the fantasy of a savior.
And there’s so much optimism and hope in her statement as well. The very fact that she has made any statement is a reflection of that, but it’s also clearly communicated in her writing.
Maybe you need to read more poetry; to experience narratives that aren’t necessarily linear; to experience composition that plays with form.
I wish her well and hope she keeps writing and making art.
Her account was terrifying. I wish her healing and peace. I hope her rapist burns in hell.
OMG this is horrifying. So glad she’s ok.
Verified podcast is a story about an Italian cop who hosted on Couchsurfing. He drugged and raped girls and women (brazenly) for about a year before he was stopped. Police did not take these women seriously enough. It’s a really well done podcast. Highly recommended.
I 100% believe her. What upsets me is that she was moved around during this time, did not one airport official, one driver see that she was drugged and question what was going on??
People turn away. Literally.
When I was a student, I went to Morningside Park in NYC on a wonderful spring day to read a book. The park was crowded- half the neighborhood must have been out that weekend- and all the benches were full, so many people were sharing (that thing you do where each person stays on their end, with room for another person in between). This old man came over and shared my bench. I fucking sat there for god knows how long and god knows how many people passed by and none of them said anything about the fact that this fucker had his dick out and was masturbating while looking at me. Broad daylight. People with strollers and joggers and walking with their friends and all that. I only figured it out when I happened to look up and a woman passed by me with this look of horror on her face. She didn’t say anything to me or confront him. And when I saw what she was horrified by, the piece of shit zipped up his pants and rode his bike away before I could say or do anything.
So no, I am not surprised that airport workers and taxi drivers or whatever didn’t do anything.
I believe her and my heart breaks for her.
I want to hurt whoever hurt her 😢
These stories are just heartbreaking.
As someone who survived rape by a former partner and had to move, and got out of what was turning into an abusive relationship, all I can say, apart from I BELIEVE YOU, is that she will never be who she once was. There will be snippets and gleams of BEFORE but she was shattered and she had to put the pieces back together and once you break something it is never the same. She will rediscover herself and get to know who she is now because what happened to her changed her forever. I wish I could tell her she will love again and will trust again and be happy again. I hope she sings again, even if only for herself. The rapist took her voice away in more ways than one. The trauma will always be there but hopefully one day it will be one part of her identity and story and not the whole picture.
I don’t have the words to adequately describe how truly horrifying her story was. I can only say how brave she is for coming forward. I can only imagine how difficult it was to share this publicly.
I will also say to the male “friend” who told her most men would “run” if they knew what happened to her – I hope he gets donkey-kicked in the crotch. What a horribly insensitive and cruel thing to say to a friend who came to you in a moment of vulnerability.
I hope she’s now with people who appreciate and support her.
Wow, this is horrifying. I was a fan of hers in the mid 00s when she had some hits. I always wondered what happened to her and looked her up a few times over the years. I hope justice is served to her abuser is one way or the other. I wonder if her friends and family had any idea what was going on while she was missing. This whole ordeal is terrifying!
One thing to point out that was obvious to others but not to me. NEVER leave your drink unattended in a public place! As an American staying in Amsterdam, I was rescued from a possible date rape situation at a bar, by leaving a beer that another patron was eyeing. The bartender lectured me on my foolish behavior and I was so grateful! He had taken my drink and put it below the bar. I love the Dutch!
Heart wrenching. So grateful that Duffy and other survivors write/speak about their experiences. It gives comfort to others who are struggling to process their own trauma and are struggling to find the words, even to themselves. How do you make anyone understand the isolation, the self-imprisonment, the shattering of self, the inability to trust or connect with anyone, and the inexplicable guilt that constantly torments you? The fear of being blamed, the fear of being dismissed, the fear of being treated as less than, silence you. Seeking love even in a teacup – resonates.
Can anyone help me understand why some men would run if they knew a woman was raped? Is it because they can’t deal with the emotional baggage?
I wonder Grumpy if it’s because they would think that you would no longer want to have an intimate relationship with them?
If that’s why, men/partners should take a deep breath and realize there’s support for couples working through that. Rape is disgustingly prevalent in the world and you wouldn’t be the first couple to tackle that. There ARE people who understand. And if therepy is too pricey, there are some great books. One that comes to mind was published awhile back is “Healing Sex” by Staci Haines, but there’s other books on the subject too.
Also, nothing wrong with a loving, tender but asexual relationship. Not everybody wants the same thing. ❤️
It actually happened to me. I have been dumped by a man right after I confessed to him being sexually assaulted and harassed as a child. It did a LOT of damage and I’m still not over it to be honest.
I got an explanation years after by a therapist I was seeing. I can’t remember well but it was in the realm of “the man can not compete with the rapist and so, feel diminished”. I don’t know if it’s freudian bullshit or if there’s some truth to it and honestly, if someone have an explanation, I’d like to hear it.
And it’s awful to say but life has taught me that you should be very careful who you share your story with. A lot of people will reject you, other will take advantage of it (men especially). Very few will have the “right” reaction
(I’m a different Lara)
@Ersatz- I completely know what you mean and I’m sorry that’s happened to you. I’ve gotten to the point where first date, I will tell them upfront and with brutal clarity the various things I’ve gone through in my life. If it sends them running for the hills and I never see them again, so be it. Tells me that it never would have worked out. I’m also a pretty confrontational person, so it’s a protection mechanism for me.
You and I have nothing to be ashamed of. If they can’t handle some harsh truths about life, then it’s their problem.
@Ersatz- I tried to add some stuff to my comment above but it looks like it didn’t go through. What I wanted to add was:
My personal experience on people’s reactions is that there are some people who just don’t want “unpleasant” and “dark” things in their life. They assume you (general you, not you specifically) are damaged and they don’t want to deal with “the baggage.” They want something “normal” and “uncomplicated.” It’s perfectly fine to see this stuff on HBO but god forbid they have to face it in reality. They also have a lot of misconceptions since their only experience with trauma- particularly sexual trauma- and the complicated process of recovery, is shaped by the media, where trauma for men makes for Deep and Interesting Protagonists Worthy of Oscars but for women make for weak/clingy/neurotic/hysterical/psychotic/damsels in distress who need to be healed by the magic of a man’s love or, in the alternative, are conniving bitches who try to ruin men’s lives and take over the world.
Then there are the ones who are the exact opposite. They seem to almost fetishize the role of being a “healer,” the only person who understands, the Savior, some going so far as to specifically to foster emotional dependence. There are others who have no experience with trauma but respect it and try to be supportive. They may even know others in their life who have had traumatic experiences.
And then there are those who have lived similar circumstances. I’ve found this can go a few ways- you have 1) the Suffering Olympics (whose life was more traumatic and shittier); 2) understanding so painful and close that you can’t bear to be near that person because it’s like reliving your own trauma; 3) you’re at different stages of healing- sometimes this can help both people and other times it can be incredibly draining (these two things are not mutually exclusive); 4) both have processed and accepted their traumas and want to build a life- dating and exploring new relationships, whether they work out or not, is part of building.
I have yet to find a life partner in category 4, though I have made some very deep and meaningful friendships.
I hope you’re feeling better. We both have NOTHING to be ashamed of.
Thank you @Lara for your messages.
I like your categories. I’ve also encountered those who see you as “a lost cause” hence don’t think a little more damage will be that bad (you can’t damage a lost cause).
Also I think that some people will go further than the “I don’t want dark things in my life”, they will actively try to destroy it and, as the victim, you still are a living reminder of “bad things happening in the world” so they’ll project it onto you.
Others will subconsciously think that you did something to deserve it and see you as the bad person (even if they don’t admit it) cause that’s the only way they can keep some logic in their world (I don’t know if I explain myself right).
Just to say that there are a ton of reason of why people will reject a victim coming forwards. And victims are not equipped to deal with those reactions. It just does more damage.
Anyway, I’m not ashamed at what I’ve been through but I can’t deal with people’s reactions anymore. Either they’ll reject you or expect something of you (for example expect you to press charges and pester you if you don’t, or on the contrary expect you to shut up about it). Anyway I’ve never met anybody (even family member who are supposed to care about you) make any research as to how to help you.
That’s one of the reason why so many victims will isolate themselves I guess.
Also I’ve read a comment on reddit concerning this story about how proactive you had to be when you are a victim, precisely at the time when you can barely keep it up (or don’t, because there’s a lot of unhappy endings). I don’t know how it works in the US (I’m french), but from what I’ve experienced the lack of support is astonishing.
I’m sorry because my take on it is pretty grim but to be honest that’s the reality me and a lot of victims experience.
@Ersatz- I agree with you 100%. I didn’t think about the people who actively try to destroy, but you’re right. I hate that so many of those people here in the US are in positions of power- that is one of the reasons why for me, the Kavanaugh Supreme Court nomination hearings were so triggering.
I was “lucky” in the fact that the stars seemed to align for me when I reported what happened to me. I say lucky because 1) I was already in group and individual therapy; 2) my therapist’s supervisor had connections with higher ups where the person worked; 3) my therapy sessions were all audio recorded, so there was a record of my mental state (I was part of a research thing, different story); 4) I was able to report the person, though it was one of the hardest things I had to do; 5) I kept a written record of my mental state and my recollection of what happened immediately afterward- this was not my first rodeo and I know how memory works with respect to trauma; 6) my cousin is a very experienced lawyer in the field and she told me exactly what pressing charges would entail.
I ended up having to make a cost benefit analysis of whether I wanted to go through the whole process, which could take years, would be on public record, could be appealed, and in the end the person would get a few years in prison, tops. I decided against it, though I did report the piece of shit to the medical board. I got a measure of justice there, but it still took them about 2 years to complete the investigation, hearings, and verdict.
It still took so much time and emotional energy, which I did not have, to go through it all. On top of that, he had messed with my medical records and I had to fight with the hospital to get it amended, which took something like a year to settle- I chose not to litigate but hired a lawyer to represent me during negotiations with the hospital.
Everyone congratulated me and told me I did everything “right” but I wanted to punch them and spit in their face because they have no right to judge what actions I take or didn’t take. Like I said, I count myself lucky that the circumstances aligned and that I had experience with trauma before. It’s what consoled me, strangely enough. That I had been through worse and this would pass.
I’m glad Duffy was able to share her story- that she felt safe enough to tell her story. I can only imagine how excruciating it was to write it and post it, knowing there would be horrifying comments in response to her story. One thing that kept me going and pushing forward was to make sure the doctor never harmed anyone else again, especially since he was a fucking psychiatrist.
@Lara – I’m sorry for all that happened to you.
I really don’t know what to say. It’s such a lonely road. Like you the Kavanaugh Supreme Court Nomination was extremely triggering. It was a giant F*ck you to all the victims.
Also I realized that my first comment could be taken the wrong way. I’m glad for the MeToo movement and women should be able to share their stories if they want to. Women should do whatever they need to do to feel safe, whatever they need to take back their own narrative.
For me though, real life has not been a safe place to share my stories and caused more harm than good.
@Ersatz- I’m sorry real life has been shit at providing support. For what it’s worth, I’ve really enjoyed talking to you, and it makes me happy that there are safe places on the internet, like celebitchy, where we can share our experiences.
Thanks Lara, Tulip, Lara, and Ersatz for your insights. I appreciate it. I wish you much happiness, and am inspired by your strength.
Thank you all. Thank you @Lara, it actually was nice to be able to share with people I felt safe talking to, even if it’s online. And also, stay safe (and home 🙂 ) during the quarantine.
I can’t EVEN with that ‘friend’ that told her potential partners would run a mile! I absolutely miss her music and I hope she decides to makes more.
I hope the authorities get that bastard.
This is so horrific. Is is possible to open an investigation and find/prosecute the rapist?