Those of us who follow Gwyneth Paltrow’s Goop ramblings religiously (and really, who doesn’t?) know that Gwyneth fancies herself the second coming of Martha Stewart. Think about it – they can both come across as icy, haughty, snotty blondes with too much time on their hands. It sort of works. Except for the fact that Martha Stewart has every damn reason to be haughty – she’s actually a lifestyle goddess bitches, and she was put on this earth so we could all bake the perfect cake, make our own icing and create our own icing mold tips. Don’t forget the wax paper! The wax paper will help you not get all of your homemade icing on your beautiful antique cake stand that, of course, you bought on your little weekend escape to the Connecticut antique shops. What? You don’t live like that? Too bad. Martha does. And she’s the original. Goopy’s just a budget imposter.

Anyway, Fox News 411 is reporting that Gwyneth’s next step to becoming the snottier, goopier version of Martha is to launch a series of Goop-branded products. Part of the Goop brand will be beauty products, launched under the Estee Lauder umbrella. Which means that Gwyneth probably isn’t mad about the weird circumstances surrounding the loss of her Estee Lauder modeling contract – it was probably mutual, and Gwyneth remained friends with the Lauder women. Gwyneth also wants a “Goop For Moms” brand that she can sell through her website, or as Fox’s source says, she wants “to create products for real women.” Oh, barf. In Goopy’s mind, “real women” = fat peasants.

An inside source tells FOX411 that Gwyneth Paltrow has secret plans to shift her public image and become the next Martha Stewart. She wants to create her own lifestyle brands for women and families and cut back to doing one movie per year. Husband and Coldplay lead singer Chris Martin has even dubbed Gwyneth’s appointments to plan her takeover of the lifestyle sector her “Martha Stewart meetings”!

The insider, who works with paltrow, tells FOX411, “Her plan is to stay visible in the occasional film, but to create products for real women. She is working on new products for her own beauty line under Estee Lauder and looking at different products for moms at home that she can tie to her website, GOOP.”

And Gwyneth has new product lines all ready for launch, says the source.

“Her charity clothing line for ZOEtees, which will benefit Kids Company, is about to debut, and that was a major project. Other products will follow suit.”

Martin lightly mocks Gwyneth’s big plans, but he never asks her to stop them, the insider adds. “She still spends plenty of time with him and Moses and Apple and she continues to be a very protective and present mother.”

It’s a good thing Chris doesn’t try to hold her back, because he’d lose, says the pal. “She has become a power multi-tasker, so she’ll take meetings while she’s sitting around her movie sets. Gwyneth wants to create an empire, but her first priority is always to her family. She is finding ways to merge the two so that other women and mothers will be able to do the same.”

[From Fox News 411]

Interesting that Fox’s source seems to stress that Chris Martin is all for the Goop brand. Chris is probably thinking, “Anything to get her to shut her goopy piehole for two goddamn seconds.” The “source” is probably very much a Friend of Goop, because the rumors we keep hearing are that Chris and Gwyneth are having problems.

As for the main part of the story – would you buy Goop products? Perhaps “Goop Mascara” (yikes) or the “Goop Diaper Pail”? I could have fun with this – how about Goop Tissues, for when you’re feeling snotty (snotty = “Gwyneth”). Or the Goop “Roach” Killer, for when the paparazzi just won’t leave you alone?

Gwyneth and Martha are shown at the same event, the premiere of Valentino: The Last Emperor at the MoMA in NY on 3/17/09. Credit: Splash News