It’s been one full week since the New York Times published the Duchess of Sussex’s op-ed, where she revealed that she had a miscarriage in July. Meghan wrote about the pain of miscarriage, and how the events of 2020 (both private and public) were a larger reminder that people should check in with each other, that people have private pain and we all need some compassion and understanding. Now sources are talking to People Magazine about why Meghan chose to write about what happened.
In Meghan Markle’s searingly honest essay about her recent miscarriage, she described the “unbearable grief” she and Prince Harry experienced. “I tried to imagine how we’d heal,” she wrote.
Today the couple is doing just that — and they hope that by sharing their story of pregnancy loss, they can help others who are struggling to feel less alone.
“They kept their miscarriage private for months because it was very painful and not anything that they knew if they would ever want to share,” a source tells PEOPLE in this week’s issue.
“They both seemed shocked at how painful it was. Meghan was ready to share now because so many women go through the same thing in silence,” the source adds.
The confessional op-ed was a departure from royal norms, which dictate minimal disclosures of private pain. And her decision to share her loss and encourage compassion has furthered the conversation around pregnancy loss.
“She talked about the taboo of miscarriage, says Ruth Bender Atik, national director of the Miscarriage Association in the U.K. “And I know that’s something that concerns a lot of people. And she talked about her feelings of both physical and emotional pain — for Harry too. It’s important to realize that partners are affected.”
As they share their grief they are also embracing joy. As Meghan, Harry and their 19-month-old son Archie prepared to celebrate their first Thanksgiving in America last week, they gathered vegetables from their garden to use in a meal they cooked at home in Montecito, California.
“They are doing well,” a friend tells PEOPLE. “They are in good health. They took the time off just to focus on family,” says the source, who adds that Meghan’s mom, Doria Ragland, visited over the holiday weekend, “which always makes Meghan happy.”
I think the public and royal reaction to Meghan’s op-ed would have been different if she had written it just days or weeks after her miscarriage over the summer. I’m not saying the reaction would have been better or worse, I just think it would have been different. I think that it was smart for her to take her time to really think about what she wanted to say and how she wanted to frame that information into a larger conversation about checking in with one another, about how difficult this year has been for so many people. This broke my heart: “They both seemed shocked at how painful it was.” *sob* 2020 has been a f–king year.
Photos courtesy of Backgrid, Avalon Red.
My mother lost her first baby and I don’t think she ever fully recovered from it. If she’d felt allowed to discuss it, she might have been better off.
That’s so sad. I am sorry for your mom.
This shows how important it is that Meghan shares this.
Women have a right to speak up about it.
People should stop saying it’s too personal (=code word for too feminine).
My mother-in-law had a miscarriage between her second and third children (they had three total). She talked about it frequently, mentioning that it had been a boy. She never got over that loss. She was about four months along when it happened.
My mother also had one, between her second and third as well. She was six months along. But she rarely talked about it, and didn’t frame it as having been particularly traumatic. She even said she didn’t know the sex of the baby (perhaps she didn’t ask or want to know).
I always found this interesting, their difference approaches. In my WASP family, we didn’t talk much about illness either, never describing it in detail or dwelling on it, despite the fact that my older sister had Type 1 Diabetes, which was a daily struggle. In my husband’s family (they’re Jewish), they talk about illness in detail. Theirs, their second cousins’ in England and Australia. The call each other and discuss medical appointments, even routine ones. It took a while for me to get used to it.
I think the miscarriage was might have been harder on my mother than she would admit. She probably didn’t want to remember or dwell on it. Or maybe having to deal with my sister’s often scary illness every day made it somehow less memorable, less traumatic than her actual experience of parenting was at that time.
I’m grateful she was able to use her voice to speak about her experience as opposed to having to respond to a leaked story. Leaving the Royal Family gave her the protection, privacy and time to grieve that she would not have been allowed by the press or the royal family if she was still in the UK.
If they just moved in July, that means the garden was there and thriving when they bought the house. You’re not planting in July.
Anyway, the op-Ed was important and touching with long-lasting significance. Miscarriages are common but people don’t get how much of a loss it can feel like, especially the farther along you are. They think, oh, you’ll have another. And that it was likely a genetic defect that led to the loss. Both things might be true, but it doesn’t hurt any less.
If the vegetables were for things like winter squash for Thanksgiving, then they probably were planted in late August or early September. That’s when I put my bush beans, turnips, and Brussels sprouts in. Granted, the deer got to every single bean before I could, but I was able to get some turnips in October!
I just put in lettuce, arugula and spinach. I live in Santa Barbara and the weather is so temperate that stuff grows all year long.
I had three miscarriages. All very sad, but they were all pretty early along. I have two healthy grownup sons and 2 grandchildren now. My daughter in law had a miscarriage between her first and second which also happened to me. It’s good that women can talk about it now and understand how common they are.
Have you ever had a garden in Santa Barbara? Because it’s a temperate and mild climate. Different places have different seasons. In Houston, for example, tomatoes are a spring vegetable.
it is truly shocking how painful loss can be. meghan’s piece was beautiful and i’m so sorry for the loss of their child. i lost my mom a few weeks ago, after having previously lost my dad, and the grieving process is so difficult. my mom was ill for ten years and debilitated for the last four years. seeing her like that for so, so long makes the grief that much more complicated. someone asked me yesterday how i was ‘integrating’ her death. seriously? i wish people could be more patient with those grieving instead of trying to rush the process. i hope the public can support meghan through her loss and be compassionate. it was brave of her to share and be vulnerable when she didn’t have to do so. the essay was beautiful and hopefully helped others as much as it helped me.
So sorry for your loss. I understand the complexity of what it means to loose someone after a long illness. My mom passed after a decade long illness. It took me about 5 years to come out of grief fully. Then almost immediately my younger brother died in an accident. That was two years ago and I’m still feeling it strongly. Be patient with yourself and don’t let others rush you. However you feel is ok.
I said this in the other thread but I’ll say it again.
We only found out after my grandparents death that their first child- who they only described as a loss- was actually born full term and alive but with complications that he couldn’t survive. He lived for ten days. They lost their last child full term as well. I don’t know if that baby was born sleeping or not. I do know that my grandma almost died. And my grandfather moved to a separate bedroom so that this would never happen again. They had 5 healthy children in between.
I think of how terrified she must have been each pregnancy. That the conditions of her first baby would re-appear and she would lose another.
She had a bust in her room until her death of a baby laughing. She said it reminded her of her “lost babies”. And that’s all she would say about it.
The damage done to generations of women forced to live in silence with unimaginable pain is incomprehensible. Even now the conversation around it is so lacking. But I am so proud of M and H for helping bring love and acknowledgment to this complex ans sorrowful topic. It’s so needed.
Oh wow how heartbreaking for your grandparents! When you say your grandfather moved to a separate bedroom, was that because he was so afraid of intimacy resulting in another pregnancy? I realize there weren’t as many options for birth control back then but I hate to think about a couple sleeping in different bedrooms and being abstinent because they were terrified of suffering another pregnancy loss. How incredibly heartbreaking.
Yes. It was so that there was “no way” he could get her pregnant again. It’s so so sad. All of it.
I really believe it would have been received very differently if she had published it before season 4 of The Crown was released. They’re especially concerned about appearing cold and cruel right now. Otherwise Penny Junor, Piers Morgan, Richard Kay, Dickie MacDick and all the “palace sources” would be on her about “airing personal issues for self promotion”. Trust me
@Julie: the way Meghan has been treated has made me so cynical. My first thought when I read that was, if she’d written it shortly after the miscarriage, the same people would be screaming about why is she writing for the NYT when this just happened, she must not really be that sad, etc. All of the usual nonsense that gets hurled at her every time she breathes.
I think she knows by now that she can’t win with certain people no matter what she does, and I’m glad she hasn’t let them scare her into silence and continues to speak out anyway, even though the automatic backlash and abuse must take an enormous toll on her.
As far as her message, I had one miscarriage and was somehow shocked by how upsetting it was. I wasn’t far along, but it really threw me for a loop. I think I’d assumed that there would obviously be horrendous grief for a stillborn, and overlooked how much grief a miscarriage would also cause.
Is just me or is People starting to sound like they have no sources and are just writing the obvious?
No it’s not just you. A kind of Katie Nicholl vibe.
More often than not I’d guess — I think they occasionally get a piece authorized by a celebrity to get a side out on an issue, but I doubt they have any Royal sources. This seems like a big ‘no shit Sherlock’ story.
No it’s not just you. Reading this gave me a “well duh” vibe.
i think that saying they were surprised by the shock of it is very true. I have two children and in between them i suffered two miscarriages and the grief was so much more than i was ever expecting. i think that there is a misconception that you should just quickly get over a miscarriage and move on. i dont think thats healthy at all. i really admire Megan, and also Chrissy Teigan, for using their profile to shine a light on this hidden grief.
That picture of Chrissy crying in her hospital bed was just heartbreaking.
They have really suffered a lot of losses this year, both figuratively and literally. Cutting away from his family after years of abuse must have been so empowering and cathartic in a lot of ways, but then the pain hits. How painful betrayal is. How painful it is to know people who you thought had your back, don’t support you. Add in the stress of moving to a new country and establishing roots during a pandemic, finally feeling like things are starting to make sense again and BAM! the hopes you had worked hard to build up again are taken from you. And it’s a different kind of loss. It’s a loss felt so deeply in the heart and soul. The worst kind.
Wow, how strong Meghan is…I really thought she was happy and relaxed in July & August
I think whenever we saw them was just for whatever appearances for causes they were promoting and were in work mode. Remember these are people trained to put on a public face regardless of what is happening behind the scenes. I think back that Time’s 100 promo that caused so much outrage, where they both talked about voting, and to me, they seemed a bit off. Meghan looked very tiny and subdued to me and not her usual effusive self, and Harry just sounded stilted. Who knows what was going on then.
@Oh I totally agree. I was so irritated that SO many people were making comments like that — not as praise the way you meant it, but nasty “well she looked pretty happy in July!” posted with screenshots of her smiling as if to prove there’s no way she could have been upset at the time. Just a ridiculous assertion to make about anyone, imo.
Have none of the women saying that ever suffered their own miscarriage? Because most people need to put on a game face no matter how they feel inside. Without going into too much detail, one of the worst parts of my miscarriage happened while I was here at home, in the bathroom, and I had to smile and act as normal as possible literally moments later because my five-year-old was waiting for me. The expression on my face had nothing to do with the pain I was experiencing.
Either these critics have never lived through it, or they’re being purposely disingenuous and obtuse when they criticize Meghan for looking “too happy” because they’re so blinded by their hatred for her.
Whether they have lived through a miscarriage or not, they have surely seen or been bereaved people before. People still smile, laugh, talk and carry on with life after any loss. Even at funerals, people will be talking and smiling at memories or with other people. Grief is a process, not a continuous crying spell unless you are already depressed.
That’s the thing about grief though. People can be grieving and still have moments where they laugh, make jokes or just go about their day. My grandmother died a week ago and I’ve had dinners with my family where we are all joking and I’ve had moments where my mum and I have been dissolved into tears. It comes in waves. She doesn’t need to perform her grief for the public for it to be real.
Sometimes its necessary to hide heartbreak and put up a front, so that we have time to grieve.
In the 1920s and 30s my grandmother had 3 stillborn children and 4 surviving. My MIL in the 1960s had 4 surviving and one that died soon after birth (“stone kidneys.”) My aunt in the 1950s had 3 surviving and one when she started leaking fluid and her doctor told her to “walk around the block” to facilitate the stillbirth because there was nothing they could do about it back then. Sharing these stories is a good thing.
My first one was hard.. but young and I had what people said many fertile years ahead of me and that this happens and it’s normal .. so cheer up etc. the second one was harder I was bereft . the third miscarriage broke me I was in my thirties and I wanted the baby, the fourth one I was a day or two short of 20 weeks. That one left me empty . like someone scooped out my insides , my heart and my soul. We gave up trying. I gave up trying . I reached 40 and I was like I cannot do this anymore. Each time I thought I have been through this I am prepared but you never are. the pain of loss is real and harsh and shocking each and every time. I’m expecting at 45 terror fills me at odd times.
My heart goes out to H&M she was so brave to talk about this is such a beautiful and thoughtful way… I gave my mum a printed copy of this piece and that is how I learned about my baby brother who was born but didn’t take his first breath. I never knew my mum birthed a stillborn son…I remember being 3 -4 yrs old . my mum having a huge belly and telling me Her and Daddy are going to hospital to bring a new baby brother or sister home. What seemed like days and days later … they came home but no baby. they both just looked crushed. we asked and we were told the baby was in heaven with hashem. She never talked about that time ever. She thought she wasn’t allowed to, because who would want to hear such depressing details?.
Warm hugs.
All the best for your pregnancy!
I had a friend who had 4 miscarriages for all the different reasons before she had a healthy baby boy. Hoping that it is your story as well, I’m so sorry for all the loss you suffered.
I’m so sorry to hear about your losses. I hope you had people to share it with you who let you heal in your own way and time.
Truly, I will keep you in my thoughts and hope and with all my heart that this time will be different and you will have a healthy baby.
@Alibeebee Your story is heartbreaking! Wishing you God’s grace, and a healthy baby for you, this time, you will have your baby in your arms. Godbless
I give H&M a lot of credit for so bravely going public about the miscarriage which opens up the floodgates and allows the public to comment/interpret/dissect such an intimate, painful family experience. I personally would not be that strong, so hats off to them.
Yeah but it shouldn’t be that way and that’s the point. If you lost your parents or other family members would you keep that a secret too? As far as any comments, discussions or “interpretations “ (whatever that means) what else would a decent human being say except “You have my deepest condolences “.
I get that, but if you’ve been following the coverage surrounding them, a lot of people have not been decent human beings to them. They have every right to keep their matters private, so I thought this was very honorable of them.
I was a tomboy and on top of that had various health issues, and so I was told by at least two doctors to forget about having biological kids without medical intervention (that I wasn’t going to accept).
So I never gave the idea or anything relating to pregnancy much thought. And I was not raised knowing what Americans consider okay to discuss about female body processes. My mother says her culture largely forbids it and she’s not sure what Americans accept, so told me to just stay silent.
My more recent friends have talked about their miscarriages in the last few years. So I had no idea Meghan and Chrissy and other celebrities acknowledging their losses would be such a big thing. It’s not like Meghan described in graphic detail the loss. She painted as gently as she could a very poignant picture of the emotions involved.
I also had no idea I was breaking some sort of social taboo when I did find out at 38 and against all expectations that I was pregnant and shared the news with my friends and family when the pregnancy test stick was practically still in my hand.
I was just so shocked when I got scolded up one side and down the other by a couple of friends for announcing a pregnancy (in a group chat) under the first trimester. I was mortified. I had no idea it was in bad taste and taboo and a bad idea for all the very sound reasons I was given. I kept imagining how shamed my mother would be if she knew I broke such a strong American taboo.
I did have the most realistic nightmare that I was having a miscarriage. I didn’t know it was a dream and my grief and shock in that moment was among the most intense pain of loss I had felt up to that point. Because it was a “miracle pregnancy” and I wanted that baby more than I ever wanted anything. It’s my only insight into what Meghan and her family felt and what some of you have gone through. And it was bad enough I did promise myself that I would never tell anybody the next time I was pregnant until the baby was almost due.
As it turns out, I had only the one pregnancy. Not being able to have another child when everyone wanted me to have two (and I wanted to have two) brought on another kind of ordeal that only ended when I finally went through menopause and people stopped the bump watch on me. Which is why I get angry and frustrated when we do the bump watch on Meghan now. We all hope they have another beautiful healthy baby if that’s what they want for themselves, but it’s really selfish to put that kind of scrutiny/expectation on them.
I probably shouldn’t say this but I never got closure, so I will put it out there and have my peace at last. When my daughter was a pre teen and I was going through perimenopause but still occasionally having periods, on a road trip I had what I suspect was a very early miscarriage after passing a kidney stone a few days earlier. Of course it probably was just an unusual clot, but I had so many emotions I never dealt with about it because I didn’t know what I had just seen. With my longing to have a second child, not knowing if I had one in me even for a brief week was hard to process and still is. Even if it had been a miscarriage, it would have brought me joy to know I had that second pregnancy even if only for a mere fraction of time. But I will never know. So I don’t think about it most of the time.
I only told one friend about it in email and she didn’t react at all. I don’t know if I committed a faux pas telling her. I did mention it to my husband and he just shook his head at me. I’m not sure what to make of that, I guess with me being so close to menopause he thought I was a hypochondriac. So I have learned the hard way to never speak of biological things to anyone but doctors.
My social awkwardness knows no bounds, and I seem to have so many crucial in gaps in my knowledge of social norms probably due to my mom being from another culture, so I now never ever discuss pregnancies or babies or anything even remotely personal with people anymore. I’ll talk about things here but only after I see you all doing it.
lol the only exception is menopause. I will talk about that despite knowing good and well that’s another uncomfortable subject. I feel we older women don’t do enough to prepare and educate our younger “sisters” about the diversity and challenges of this experience. Ignorance is NOT bliss.
Hugs to you, Guest with cat. Just be you and don’t worry about making a mistake. We are all humans and we all make mistakes. We, hopefully, learn and move on.
Thank you so much.
I think you should talk about anything you want and not censure yourself about the body’s natural functions. Some people think saying my period just started to a friend is tmi, others will go on and on about the effect of that period on them that month. Culture does sometimes play a role, but individually we must all be allowed to express ourselves the way that feels natural as long as we are not harming others by doing so. Maybe it was that 2nd one, think so if it brings you closure and ignore any negative reactions for feeling as you do.
It sounds to me like you are perfectly normal in how you approach communicating…it’s the OTHERS who are uncomfortable. As BnLurkN4eva says, if it causes no harm to anyone else, it is your right to talk about anything you like. I didn’t grow up in the US, but I’ll be damned if I’m shamed into silence by half-understood ‘norms’ made up by other people. Putting my foot in it re periods, reproduction, menopause, anything related, is my specialty! I love it, and when people squeal ‘tmi’ I go “Why? It’s a natural process” and they have no answer. My 20-something kid is excellent for this…and slowly her (American) aunt and grandmother are coming around…she pees in the woods (like the boys) and had her period in the woods too (while camping). Get used to it. If men can talk about their stuff ad nauseum, get used to this too…that’s what I say. Don’t have time for this ish
You were never the problem. You were right to share your thoughts, concerns and good news and I hope you continue to do so. My close friend had several miscarriages and I only found out when I opened up about my own fertility issues. It’s good to share our experiences, fears and hopes.
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I’m not sure everyone will see this since it’s a day later but I want to thank everyone for the supportive and understanding comments. Lady D, I’m not much of a hugger either but I feel the hug in your words.
I am really surprised how helpful it was to me to finally, after so many years, get to honestly state my feelings somewhere, to someone. I have never at any time said to anybody how I felt about any of what I discussed. I have asked my husband how he has felt and he just says he’s happy with everything and wouldn’t change a thing. Indeed, he is a simple straightforward soul on such matters. And if somewhere deep down he also ever felt the pang of the second child that never was, he would never say so, because I know he thinks I already carry enough weight on me about my health problems and their consequences.
So it was good to finally get it out into words.
And Meghan Markle, I don’t know you, and sadly I doubt you will ever see this, but lady, I thank you for opening the dialogue the way you did and wish you and your family peace and healing, too.
It is very sad and I am sure it is forever a loss. But as someone who was unable to have any children, I do feel “count your one as a blessing” when people miscarry their second. Maybe not nice, but it’s true – having none at all is worse I think. She is at an older age for having kids so there is that chance as well. But she had one so I think she is VERY BLESSED.
Well I have to be honest here. I’m struggling with what you said. On the one hand, having spent 20 years of my adult life wanting a child and believing it could not ever happen and mourning the death of that dream, I feel tremendous empathy for your point of view and how you say you feel.
Unfortunately I feel you (understandably) failed to empathize a bit more with what we still have in common: we both are grieving for a dream that isn’t going to come true even though it happens so often and readily to so many others around us, that it gives us a soul deep pain to feel left out.
All of the presumptions, rude inquiries and callously tossed out comments and endless pregnancy speculations and bump watches that individuals and couples without children endure actually do not go away when we find we can have one child after all.
It all just morphs into presumptions, rude inquiries, second bump watches and continued attempts to heal from accusations of your selfishness, only this time instead of assuming you don’t have a child because you’re “selfish” they decide you’re selfish because you want to “doom” your child to a future of loneliness and a horrible selfish personality for themselves. Honestly, the prejudiced thinking against only children in this day and age astonishes me.
And instead of mourning the dream of having a baby to nurture into adulthood, it changes to sitting in a restaurant at a table for four and looking at the empty chair that will never seat the sibling you, your husband, and your child all expected you’d have had by now and crying on the inside, even while simultaneously berating yourself because you know the world expects you to smile because there is that one child there in the other seat.
And you can’t really even share that you are in any sort of mourning because yes, it will immediately be pointed out to you that you do have a child so you should feel blessed. It is just another hurtful assumption that you don’t feel blessed if you dare to say you mourn not having the family size you dreamed of.
I think after our first miracle we all, even my obstetrician expected a second one. As the years passed and it didn’t happen a sort of panic and then pained acceptance set in.
Yes when it comes to children, it is possible to feel blessed and appreciate the one you do have, while still feeling pain when you feel your dream of a larger family is a reasonable one that so many others live all the time. Yet it just can’t happen for you. (See where we still have that one element in common? And yes I do also acknowledge the differences. I respect what you have shared and the courage it took you to share it).
We as a people need to stop imposing how we envision people should feel on them and instead ask how they feel and listen when they tell us. I think this is one of the points Meghan was trying to make.
I grieve with you on the loss of your dream and wish you peace and healing as you, like I and so many others, like all human beings, really, try to “imagine how we can heal” from the disappointments and losses that cut us to our very souls.
GuestwithCat, I can count on the fingers of one hand the amount of people on this planet that I hug. Given the way I was raised, it’s a very difficult thing for me to do. I wish I could hug you. I know this is mostly meaningless coming from a stranger, but I really do wish I could hug you. I wish I could take your pain away.
I’m glad they acknowledged Harry’s pain too. Our daughter was stillborn at 28 weeks. It was 17 years ago but I think my husband still has lingering trauma from it. People acknowledged my pain but not his. We both loved her. We also loved her from week 1, so losing her earlier would have been just as painful. We just wouldn’t have known her as well: we were lucky to have the time with her that we had. She was tangled in her umbilical cord, so as my husband says: “She must have loved to dance.”
I send a hug from my soul to yours and your husband.
Phaedra, my heart was absolutely crushed for you and your husband when you mentioned her dancing. I am so, so sorry.
Feels like the RR’s didn’t get the scoop on this one (imagine being sick enough to actually think this is a scoop), so now they’re trying to shape the narrative.
I feel like they’re setting up the next stage of the conversation to move it away from one of empathy i.e. they’re shocked by how painful it was => leading to conversations about ;
– losing a baby at just shy of 40 and
– will Meghan be able to provide a spare
– or even discussions on whether she is pregnant again
– and how isolated they are in NA away from family
Nothing is for free with these guys. Not even temporarily feigned empathy.
Harry and Meghan are two very strong people. I can’t imagine having to go through the pain of losing a child while being continually abused verbally and aware of how people might perceive you, rightly or wrongly. I’m glad Meghan felt strong enough to write the op-ed on her terms and in her voice. I’m also glad Harry was included in the conversation; seeing how much they love each other and knowing how he has reacted when those have attacked her, I’m sure Harry was not only hurting because of the loss of his child, but also hurting for Meghan and feeling helpless. I hope they can grieve as necessary and move forward, enjoying their work, their new home and their adorable child (as well as any other children they may have).
Well said #18-I could not have stated it any better-God bless the entire Sussex family and keep them in your prayers.
My mother miscarried her first child at 5 months, and had a stillbirth 2 years later at 9 months.
She never fully recovered and has never gotten over those losses. Neither has my father.
Whoever criticizes Meghan’s op-ed is an asshole, plain and simple. We all experience losses, that was the point of it.