You know all those people who keep asking how low could 2020 possible go? Well, we found it. We found the absolute ground zero of pure depravity. Lifetime, for reasons no one can possibly explain, is giving us a 15-minute holiday romance murder movie centering around Colonel Harland Sanders – the face of Kentucky Fried Chicken – as the main love interest. Mario Lopez will play Colonel Sanders and the short film is called, A Recipe for Seduction. You go ahead and read those sentences as many times as you need, but I promise you, they will never make sense. The fact that it’s a brand sponsorship from KFC only partially clears things up. Here’s what TV Line had to say about it:

Lifetime and KFC revealed on Monday that Mario Lopez will play Colonel Sanders in A Recipe for Seduction, which is being touted as a “Lifetime Original Mini-Movie Presented by Kentucky Fried Chicken,” but is surely just a long commercial. I mean, that’s what we want to assume. (Update: It’s indeed a 15-minute mini-movie, I am assured.)

“Some folks take their secrets to the grave, but Colonel Sanders takes his to the deep fryer,” reads promo copy on the KFC Facebook page, while the “movie” poster (below) features the teaser line, “We All Have Our Secrets, His Just Happens to Be… A Recipe for Seduction.”

The official synopsis on Lifetime’s website says, “As the holidays near, an heiress (played by Bosch alum Justene Alpert) contends with the affections of a suitor handpicked by her mother. When the handsome chef arrives with his secret recipe and a dream, he sets in motion a series of events that unravel the mother’s plans.”

[From TV Line via DListed]

The main take away here is the #FingerLicking jokes, but it’s Lifetime so they won’t actually do them justice. If this was airing on HBO Max, you’d see the sailor in me unleashed. However, there are plenty of other jokes to be made, like the fact that Mario tweeted out his holiday murder romance on Pearl Harbor Day, which simply invites punchlines involving bombs. Or that the secret recipe may include 11 herbs but not prematurely greying, buffed up home cooks. Twitter, of course, is having a field day with this. Both Us Weekly and TV Line are insisting this thing is not a parody. Is that so – let’s take a look:

“Secret’s out, chicken man.” How is that not a parody? Look at Mario in that shellacked spray job and modernized string-tie and tell me they aren’t having a go at all of us. And stop calling this man a chef, he’s a fry cook who over dresses his slaw!

But I digress. The question is, will we actually see this? And gawd help me, yes – yes, I will. Because it’s just weird enough to rope me in. Col Sanders tied up in a basement as two lunatics threaten him with his own carving knife in a Christmas movie? Hallmark would never. And who is the poor dead guy on the stairs? What did he do, and does it involve the biscuit recipe? I am way too invested now. Not to mention, think of the fast-food murder romance holiday genre to come. Ronald McDonald is sent to Death Row after being framed by the Hamburglar just so he can steal Ronald’s sweetheart – and the recipe for his Shamrock Shake. To save the love of her life, Wendy must use frozen beef for the town’s Easter picnic!

Mario’s Murder Romance Holiday Mini-Movie will be gifted to all of us on Lifetime, December 13th at noon. Th movie poster doesn’t specify noon in what time zone, but when Southern-Fried holiday romance murder is at stake, do time zones really matter?

Loved Cobain in the Original…

But Excited to see what @mariolopezviva does in the reboot! #RecipeForSeduction
@lifetimetv #kfc #kurtcobain pic.twitter.com/Mf4maednB1

— Andre Hyland (@AndreHyland) December 8, 2020

‘A Recipe For Seduction’ pic.twitter.com/U53kiDHQ0g

— RetroNewsNow (@RetroNewsNow) December 7, 2020

Photo credit: Twitter and Avalon