Heather Mills is the grownup version of that loser kid in high school that would do anything to be popular, but couldn’t quite pull it off. You know the one you’d smile and nod at whatever she said (she was normally yammering on about horses or something) and then you’d go back to making out with your boyfriend in the janitor’s closet while she talked about her equestrian-themed birthday party. Well that girl grew into Heather Mills. Yeah she’s got (or is getting) some money, so you’ve got to give her props for doing well for herself, everything considered. But she’s still so painfully, obviously insecure that it’s almost uncomfortable to be around her for more than two minutes. So she gives out horses and champagne and tries to buy your respect.

The Disney bash saw Cinderella, Tinker Bell and Snow White actors entertaining 60 kids. A cinema, fountains, trampolines and bouncy castles were erected at Mucca’s [Paul McCartney’s] £3.2million pad in Robertsbridge, East Sussex. Sir Paul McCartney, 65, paid a fleeting visit on Saturday. But he left after 20 minutes – as he can’t stand Heather’s family. A source said: “Beatrice is Paul’s world and there was no way he wasn’t going to be there. But he doesn’t get on with Heather’s family.”

Beatrice also got a pony, but the day was not entirely hers. Heather, 39, who has rejected a £50million [$100 million] divorce settlement from Sir Paul, threw a black tie and champagne evening party for more than 100 guests. But all mobile phones were confiscated – to stop pictures leaking out. The evening was topped off with a £10,000 fireworks display. The source said: “It was one hell of a party and cost a fortune. To Heather that amount is small change. Some guests took home champagne and wine but it’s peanuts to her. She just wants to be popular.”

[From The Sun]

I wish I were rich or famous or at least incredibly awesome so Heather Mills would try to buy my love and loyalty with fancy parties and expensive gifts. I never really wanted a pony – I didn’t get anything beyond a hedgehog and a goldfish, so a pony seemed like pushing it – but I can totally be bribed with one now. Can you imagine all the guests wandering home from Heather Mills’ party on their drunk ponies? Wait, the champagne was for the guests? Oops. Now there’s 100 drunk ponies wandering around the English countryside. PETA is going to be pissed.

Picture note by Jaybird: Here’s Heather at the 2007 Starlight Starbright Children’s Foundation Gala. Images thanks to PR Photos.