This is going to be a massive Lindsay Lohan post, so I apologize in advance. There are a bunch of stories about Lindsay in the tabloids (all bad) and there are some little pieces of news here and there. First up: Lindsay Lohan is no longer banned from the club Avenue. Apparently, Lindsay was banned several months ago after the strange incident where she was there at the same time as Justin Timberlake, and she tweeted that he was a “jb cheater”, as in he was cheating on Jessica Biel. Apparently Justin pulled some strings and Lohan became persona non grata at Avenue. Well, that’s over. Page Six reports that while Lindsay had previously been “denied entry” to Avenue since the incident, she’s been partying at Avenue a lot this week. A source claims “She besieged the management with calls and e-mails to let her back in, and she promised to be on her best behavior.” Apparently, Lindsay even followed through, even turning away offers of free drinks. Probably because she was so cracked out, but whatever.

The second Lohan story comes by way of Life & Style via E! News. Lindsay gave L&S an interview about how her 15-year-old sister goes clubbing and accompanies her everywhere. Lindsay says that Ali is “tougher than I am” and that Ali “has a good head on her shoulders. Maybe it was different for me because I didn’t know what to expect and it just happened really fast. I didn’t have a big sister.” Lindsay also says that Ali is “really good” about doing her homework (because Ali is allegedly home schooled… at the School of Cracked-Out Hard Knocks and Clubbing). Lindsay says: “If I’m going out late, she’ll go home early.” Oh, Jesus. I don’t even want to get into this sh-t. Ali is going to end up worse than Lindsay.

Meanwhile, Star Magazine is still claiming that Lindsay is cutting herself, which I actually believe. HuffPo ran some huge close-ups of Lindsay at the Whitney Gala, and you can see a little bit of how her arms look scarred and busted. Star also reports that Lindsay’s hookup with Balthazar Getty happened the night before her big court date, and that after court she went on a huge bender, “drinking vodka and sugar-free Red Bull, slurring her words… She had circles under her eyes and looked like she hadn’t showered in days.” Star also notes that Lindsay seems “hellbent on destroying herself” and they seem to think Michael Lohan’s half-assed kidnap-and-intervention idea might be the best thing going (apparently they don’t know he’s a toxic parrot).

Speaking kidnapping Lindsay and forcing her into an intervention, In Touch Weekly has this absolutely crazy Lohan story this week. At first it starts out as just a typical “Lohan is a f-cking wreck” story – IT’s source says Lindsay “is taking so many prescription pills… there’s nothing behind her eyes.” Then IT totally runs with Michael’s intervention, publishing three open letters to Lindsay about how rough she is. One is from Michael, one is from Courtenay Semel, and one is from a “professional interventionist.” Now, I do think Lindsay needs help, but some of this is getting very circus-freak gross.

Michael’s letter is ridiculous. Obviously, he thinks all of Lindsay’s problems are about him, beginning his letter with a question about what he did to mess Lindsay up. Michael also uses phrases like “my blessed daughter” and “I have held your vacant body in my arms”. But, no worries. Michael has “helped so many other successfully… Linds, please, Honey, please let me help you.” Michael worst sentence ever: “As a parent and as a man of God who loves his family while others make this about money and slander, Honey, I did not and will not.” It gets grosser too but I can’t type it in. I’m too digusted.

Courtenay Semel is Lindsay’s former girlfriend/friend, but they haven’t been close since Courtenay got clean earlier this year. She actually had some more common sense advice in her letter – stuff like “Let Ali go be a kid” and “go take some time away from yourself”. Courtenay’s advice is basically go away for six months, go to rehab, get clean, find God and get a fresh start. Not bad. The letter from the “professional interventionist” is a little funny though – it sounds like a lawyer wrote it. It’s basically like “you may be an addict, but I can’t say for sure because then you might sue me, but maybe you should get some help okay? Don’t sue.”

Many people have been comparing Lindsay’s decay to Britney Spears’s drama. My take? I tend to think Lindsay should be compared to Amy Winehouse. Amy didn’t really get clean, she just temporarily gave up drugs for rum and the Caribbean. Which wouldn’t really be the worst option for Lindsay if she didn’t feel like really doing the heavy lifting of getting sober. In any case, the best advice is Courtenay’s – Lohan should go away for six months. Do something else.

Ali is shown on 10/4/09 at Paris Fashion week and out with Lindsay in Paris on 10/9/09. Credit: Fame Pictures