Note by Celebitchy: I am moving house. This article was first published on December 7, 2006.

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Lindsay Lohan showed just how much the drugs have affected her brain by firing off a rambling e-mail to her lawyers and friends that was promptly forwarded to media outlets. She surely intended it that way, but if she wants to get out this message that she can serve as a role model and help change the world and all, (if that is the message, since I didn’t get the point) couldn’t she put in some line breaks and use a spell checker?

I’m getting ahead of myself, though, because Lohan is begging for help and advice in this stream of consciousness e-mail but doesn’t seem to be at the point where she’s able to accept it. She has a few vague bad ideas of how to go about making people love her, but she’s really just letting everyone know that she and her overinflated ego are out of control:

Subject: The way of the future-Howard Hughes once said. I am willing to release a politically/morally correct, fully adequite letter to the press if any of you are willing to help. Simply to state my oppinions on how our society should be educated on for the better of our country. Our people. Also because I have such an impact on our younger generations, as well as generations older than me. Which we all know and can obviously see. People are just mean. I am going to proceed with putting LR to court if need be for what she’s done to me. Its my life. I want to live it. People cannot lie and think that it is okay to continue on having done so. Simply because they will do it again to someone else, and that is not alright with me. I have had many ups and downs, as do we all.
[Note from Celebitchy: that’s the longest subject I’ve ever seen]

Body:
But to make false accusations to one girl is unjust in my oppinion. Having said this, I am willing to do anything I need to get my life the way it should be and the way I work for it to be.. And have thus far in my career. Let’s sue the tabloids for saying the things they say. Defamation of character. Amongst other illegal accusations, I will repeat this over and over to make my point. I am not fully aware of what these, again, accusations are, but I am fully and eagerly prepared to learn them. Have harvey and all lawyers help me please. If he is willing. Al Gore will help me he came up to me last night and said he would be very happy to have a conversation with me. If he is willing to help me, let’s find out. Hilary Clinton, Bill Clinton, and Evan metroplis, and John Daur who works with them would be willing, if we just ask. If we just ASK. I’d really like to fix things and refuse to stop on any account for these unintelligent, vulgar people who like to hurt other people. Not just me, but everyone. I’m willing to hold a press conference and I will do anything necessary to do so. In putting an end to ‘these people’ trying to put an end to me and belittle me as well as try to be the demise of me after all I’ve gone through and done at such a young and tender age in a womans life. Its enough already, I’ve had enough and I am going to be the one to make a change. For all of my fellow actors, friends, people I admire and for those I’ve lost in the recent days, years, months. I do believe the focus in the world has misplaced and directed in the wrong directions and I am willing to be the one to help change that and use my celebrity status to move the focalpoint /(s) of the press to the real issues that we have going on as we speak. Anyone that is willing to help and has a family member or friend, even co-worker that is in a position to be involved in any way, shape or form, please contact me, Jenni Muro, Leslie Sloane, Michael Heller, Jason Sloane, Jason Weinberg as soon as you can or are willing. Just ask them, it doesn’t hurt to ask. So let’s start now, rather than waste time. Do you agree? Because I’m doing it either way. The way of the future. Thank you for your time. Your Entertainer, Lindsay Lohan Sent wirelessly via BlackBerry from T-Mobile.

Thanks to Gawker for that entire dense e-mail, which I’ve read a few times and still can’t wrap my brain around. That subject line is very long. I don’t have a Blackberry, but is that how they work? Do people routinely just use the subject line for the whole message?

So Lindsay is asking for help from higher-up, and that’s what she’s learning in AA and all. She also says that she wants assistance writing some letter to the press or something about how great she is, but she’s doing it already in this message. She’s incredibly narcissistic and seems to think that everyone is out to get her. She’s blaming “LR” for leaking stories to the press, and LR is said to be the assistant who left her to work for Jessica Biel. She’s obviously using this girl as a scapegoat for her negative image.

Lohan – if you want help, I’ll give it to you, thanks for asking: If you’re so f***ing concerned about education go to college. Preferably somewhere in the Midwest where drugs are hard to find. Maybe if you stop going out every night you won’t have to worry about all the tabloids reporting lies about you or whatever it is this e-mail is about.

It’s good that you’re asking for help, though, that’s something. I look forward to an e-mail where you make a fearless moral inventory and apologize to us all for wasting our time.

Lindsay is shown out to lunch with her mom and sister at Orso on 12/4. Thanks to Linds-Lo.com and Splash News for these pictures.