Kelly Ripa is promoting her memoir Live Wire:Long-Winded Short Stories. It sounds like she’s holding very little back in the book. That’s not shocking given Kelly’s track record of telling-all on Live with Kelly, but in reality, much of what she’s releasing is surprising. In Live Wire, Kelly discusses her mental health in depth. She writes about having severe social anxiety disorder, which I never knew, and how a therapist helped her cope with that. Her therapist also helped her survive her job, which had her so depressed, she had trouble getting out of bed. And in therapy, Kelly learned that it takes a certain amount of healthy narcissism to survive. That we all need to learn to take a moment for ourselves, to breathe and recharge.
She has social anxiety disorder: I have a severe case of social anxiety disorder, and I tend to say awkward or inappropriate things when under duress. People think that because I’m an extrovert on television I am one in real life. Surprise. That’s why they call it acting.
What she told her therapist when she finally went: I have a hard time getting out of bed in the morning. I almost always wake up crying at the thought of having to go to work. I feel like I’m in physical pain. My hair hurts. I have no energy at all. I’m very easily distracted. When I’m playing with my kids, I feel like I’ve forgotten to do something at work, and when I’m at work, I feel like I’ve forgotten to do something for my kids. I cry in the shower. I cry myself to sleep. I cry backstage. I sometimes want to cry in the middle of the show. Sometimes I feel like I can’t breathe.
On surviving: I learned that there’s a certain amount of narcissism that is necessary to survive, healthy narcissism. And I was like, what does that even mean? That’s an oxymoron. And [my therapist] was like, it’s actually not. Healthy narcissism allows you to live, make safe choices, breathe, those sort of things. And she’s like, that’s a good thing to have. But thinking that you can single handedly fix everything, that’s where it delves into, you’re not that important.
More survival tips: My therapist really was so smart and still is so smart and taught me that I’m not that important in the grand scheme of things. That no is the healthiest word out there really when it comes to decision making. And she really taught me just how to be a better self advocate, how to think of things in a different way. How to really, truly understand that when encountering somebody that is toxic, it has nothing to do with me and everything to do with them. And once you start thinking about that, it really reframes the picture for you.
At the risk of a pile on for agreeing with Kelly, I appreciate this advice. I would never have thought to call it narcissism, but that’s exactly why I never follow it, because I feel guilty putting myself before the needs of others. And I suffer for it. I’m not not surviving, but I’d like to be thriving. I think the advice to become a better self-advocate is also good. That’s not a generic experience so the tools a person needs to do that depend on their circumstances. But I like that Kelly included that along with learning to recognize toxic people.
It was triggering to read the part about Kelly feeling like she couldn’t get out of bed. Kelly went to therapy in the first place because she thought it was depression, but the therapist ultimately told Kelly is was her job making her miserable. The excerpt specifies “at that time.” I don’t know if that means All My Children and Kelly got better because she left or it was Live and Kelly made changes to deal with the job in a healthier way. Whatever it is, I’m glad Kelly got so much from therapy, it’s such a valuable tool and I’m thrilled society speaks about it so much more openly.
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I swear to GAWD! People keep throwing around the word narcissist or narcissism so Willy nilly these days and no one knows what the fuck it actually means.
Self care, putting yourself first for your mental health is NOT narcissism. You can’t take care of others if you are not taking care of yourself. You are no good to others if you are running yourself ragged.
People like to call you a narcissist if you’re not capitulating to THEIR wants 24/7 and don’t care if you’re happy or not.
I guess this is triggering me because this was a tactic my mother used on me growing up. Except she used the word selfish. Whenever I didn’t do something she wanted, she called me selfish. It wasn’t until college until I figured that out. Once I called her out on it, she stopped.
Anyhoo, people need to stop throwing that term around if they don’t know what it really means.
Right??! From the headline I thought she was going to be discussing how she makes her children’s events all about herself and that she spends a lot of time looking in the mirror and taking selfies.
Narcissism is different from being a narcissist & is pretty misunderstood in general these days. Having healthy narcissism is not selfish at all- it’s human & normal. Narcissism, just like other human traits like anxiety, can delve into an unhealthy pattern & become a disorder, but is also necessary in healthy amounts.
I went through a very dark time due to work and my doctor identified that I need therapy. I guess it was due to the screening questions. Whatever it was, I still thank her to this day. She saved me mentally. I found a great therapist and I learned so much about myself and others. And I will never forget my family and friends kept saying: pray on it. I told them I did pray on it and the Lord sent me to therapy.
Mental therapy has a bad stigma in the US and it’s time for that to change. We annual check our bodies but leave one of the most complex organs unchecked.
I applause her for speaking about therapy. It’s not easy and I know first hand.
I like the reminder, and Kelly is using the terminology correctly. Healthy narcissism is a thing. Google Dr. Craig Malkin, he discusses it, maybe on YouTube? Ironically, when you’re raised by a narcissist you can either fail to develop healthy narcissism, and be a people pleaser in self destructive ways, or go over the edge into the destructive narcissism that harms others.
This is so meaningful to hear today. I woke up this morning in the middle of a dream where I was hiding and silently crying in a house full of people because my husband had decided he was taking an entire day to indulge his hobbies (which sounds about right for him) and I was so desperate for maybe an hour of peace away from the kids, and the pets, and the endless household chores, and work emails, and all these people around me with expectations.
I think most women are taught to bend to the world around them. That the needs of others are more important, especially once we have kids. Doing something for yourself is selfish. Case in point my husband who comes home from work every day and can sit on the couch and watch 1 or even 2 movies or play video games for 3 hours but who is shocked when he finds me doing yoga at home for the first time in a year because I haven’t gotten around to finishing that chore he asked me to do.
Do your yoga.
This is something I’ve been struggling with too. I’ve been saying clearly what I need, but everyone around me is still giving me grief for needing it. Sometimes you need to rest. There are ALWAYS going to be chores. They can wait.
Having our own needs, identifying them, and communicating them clearly is not only something most of us were NOT taught how to do, but we were also shamed for even trying. (That’s before we even hop into the gender socialization stuff.) Enjoy that yoga!! <3
Women are conditioned to melt under the accusation of having narcissism & are supposed to be happy to be selfless creatures. We are also taught to avoid the healthy, motivating emotion of anger, cuz god forbid we be an Angry Woman!
If someone doesn’t have a healthy amount of narcissism (you matter too) and they aren’t in touch with their anger (an appropriate response to mistreatment) they will be easy to control, manipulate & abuse.
Funny how this works so well….for others.
Honk
Exactly. Honk.
Mhm. A friend and I were talking late last night about ketamine and psychedelic therapies, and she was talking about how different and distant and otherworldly one of her sage-like friends has become over the years. I nodded and I was like, “Right, researchers think that’s actually how those therapies work, is through ‘ego death.’” But then I hesitated, and I said, “A LITTLE bit of ego, though, is…” and my friend was like, “Right! My ego is healthy!”
Like, thinking that you’re special and unique is inextricably tied to not wanting to die (and, by extension, the drive to achieve something in this life). What Kelly is calling narcissism here IS that survivor’s instinct, that persistence, that tenacity and, yes, that fearfulness. It can turn into anxiety, OCD, perfectionism. Too much ego, and you power-down into survival mode. Just enough ego, though, and you’re motivated, living, and thriving. It’s such a delicate balance. Sounds like Kelly really gets it tbqh.