It’s the most wonderful time of the year… when celebrities post gift guides for amazing items completely outside our budgets! To kick us off is The GrandMaster Goop Giver: Gwyneth Paltrow and her Goop Gift Guide 2022. Don’t worry, there’s a whole tab for gifts under $100. On it, you can purchase things like a $48 Avocado Vase, or a $75 Luna Beaded Phone Wristlet, or $56 Lola Horoscope Briefs (underwear) offered only in sizes small and medium.
But if you are looking to dig a little deeper this season, Goop’s got you. How about a $420 Gucci GG bag? Not a purse, a dog poop bag holder. Yep, for four bills you can pull those plastic bags out of a genuine Gucci while cleaning your dog’s crap off a neighbor’s newly reseeded lawn. Fancy! If subtle is your style, how about a $99,950 Roy Lichtenstein nude woodcut? Or a vintage Ford Bronco? Hell, if you’re really stumped for how to flaunt your ridiculous wealth, Goop’s offering a 10oz gold bar and suggesting you use it as a paper weight.
But if you want to be original, nothing says Merry F**king Christmas like a $28,500 Boudoir Chaise.
Yes, a leather tufted sex chair with stirrups, straps and ottoman to put under the tree. OMG it’s gorgeous. I don’t have the funds or the space for a piece like this right now, but when I become an empty nester… In truth, I’ve always appreciated Gwyneth’s approach to sex and making it a part of the conversation. And after watching the Netflix’s How to Build a Sex Room series, Gwyneth is on the right side of this trend. I think we’ll see a rise in sex den furniture and accessories on gift guides. Of course, she’ll claim she invented the concept, but if I’ve saved up enough for her Cowgirl Sex Machine by then, I might just be in the mood to let her have the credit.
If you have a particular in-law you don’t care for on your list, how about sending them a $75 bag of sh*t. It’ll be from Goop, so they’ll know you care. And it’s good for the environment, so they’re the jerk if they complain. Do you have a man in your life? What about a $425 24-karat gold razor, because who needs practical when you can literally wash your money down the drain. Or a $36,600 Hermès Birkin Rock bag to… carry his lunch in?
And don’t forget the kiddos! How about a $690 Roller Enamel Necklace they can lose on the playground? Or a $550 Electric Longboard? Or an $80 Kid’s First Enamelware Bake Set?
Am I jealous? Oh hell yes. There are so many things that made me gasp, both in envy and price. There are a handful of dream getaways for things like New Zealand lodges or a safari or a tented camp in Costa Rica. And there are several donations you can gift for extraordinary causes that really would be meaningful and lovely gifts. So it sounds like I’m bagging on Goop but I’m just having fun. This guide is my first gift of the season, and it never disappoints.
Merry Goopness, y’all!
Thanks to Page Six [via Dlisted] for the story idea
Photo credit Instagram, Goop and Cover Images
That sex chair does not look very sturdy.
Yeah. Ugly and rickety. You’ll end up on the floor.
That boudoir chaise looks like some evil gynecologist’s chair from the Victorian era. Yikes!
Exactly! It makes me feel like a doctor is about to enter the room and tell me he’s going to cure my hysteria.
LOL!
LMAO!!!
Aww look, the horoscope underoos only come in a S and M, guess the bigger sizes are too gauche for Goop.
P.S. Let me go get another apple cider donut before checking out the rest of the guide; we need it.
Oooh, I want a donut. I’ve been up for too long already and I want to eat all of the things.
The sex chaise is hideous. It’s ugly, and the concept of incorporating stirrups is horrifying to me. I don’t want anything about sexytimes to evoke my well woman check.
I agree that it’s a good thing for sex to be talked about and seen as a healthy part of a woman’s life, but Goop’s dialogue always seems so performative. Like, WE GET IT. You want everyone to think you’re super cool and really hot and every man wants to f*ck you. Please be quiet now, and have a seat on your ugly bench.
If I were rich and could shell out big bucks for a dog poop bag, I’d skip it and pay somebody else to clean up the poop.
If I had the money, i’d send one to William (or as I call him, willie Woodpegger)
Ha ha ha!!! Thank you for the Friday laugh I needed after a hard week.
If you’re creative, every piece of (sturdy) furniture can be used for sex!
Okay the sex chair is cracking me up bc on the website it says “final sale.” So you can’t return the sex chair people! I agree with others that it does not look particularly sturdy or comfortable, and I feel like you can probably make your own chaise along those same lines that does not look like…..that. And that doesn’t cost 28k.
Love her striped dress except for that mess of fabric dragging behind. Cut it off. That’s all I got.
Not gonna lie. I want a vintage Bronco.
Yep, came here to say the same. They’re gorgeous.
I really feel a slogan of “Goop for poop” might sell quite a few bags.
I laughed out loud many times reading this. Well done!
Ok, so I read that as “Avocado Arse” because I knew Goopy’s Guide would be ridiculous and hilarious.
Does “final sale” mean you can’t sue her company when you injure yourself?
i’m sorry but that chair looks like a cross between a spider and a gynecologists’ exam chair.
To me it is beyond hideous- it’s the stuff of night mares.
bitchy architect, agree. It looks like a torture device to me.
It used to be sold at Kiki de Montparnasse, when they had bricks and mortar stores a few years ago. I saw it in New York and it was gorgeous – handcrafted with fancy leather and fit the vibe of the boutique very well. They had Helmut Newton books and played Massive Attack and sold pearl restraints that could be worn as jewelry and the sex chair was near fitting rooms with adjustable lighting where you could give your shopping buddy a peek at what you tried on.
$28000 could feed many food insecure people. That’s an incredible gift. Too balance all this excessiveness, she should be just as generous with philanthropy. Why is philanthropy not on this list?