God I want to be Teri Hatcher. And that’s one of the top three sentences I never thought I’d say, right after “God I want to be a condor” and “God I want to be an ottoman.” But I want to be Teri Hatcher because she got paid $2.4 million just to endorse one of those stupid lip plumpers that you see advertised in the back of Cosmo. I guess I should amend that – I wish I were Teri Hatcher, until yesterday. Because yesterday Teri got sued by Hydroderm for breach of contract after they found out she was already endorsing City Cosmetics, including their City Lips lip plumper, thus violating the no competition clause in her contract. As a result, Hydroderm is suing Hatcher for $2.4 million – though Hatcher’s lawyer says it’s really all Hydroderm’s fault.

Hydroderm wants Teri Hatcher to put her money where her mouth is. The skin-care company, which boasts that its products are “better than Botox,” filed a $2 million breach-of-contract lawsuit Tuesday against the Desperate Housewives star, claiming she wrongfully promoted another firm’s product.

The former Bond girl was photographed in association with the competitor’s products and agreed to be interviewed about using City Cosmetics products, including its centerpiece City Lips lip plumper, which directly competes with Hydroderm’s lip enhancer, the suit states. Apparently, Hatcher had signed with City Cosmetics beforehand, and Hydroderm wouldn’t have entertained her as a celebrity sponsor if it had known about the deal, the company claims.

“Despite having to deal with a frustrating series of changes in the ownership and management of Hydroderm over the last several years, Teri Hatcher has more than fully complied with all of her contractual obligations over the course of the relationship,” her counsel said in a statement to E! News. Hatcher’s rep also said they are going after the remaining cash she is owed under contract, as well as compensatory and punitive damages to make up for Hydroderm’s “outrageous accusations.”

[From E! News]

I’m still really unclear about how Teri’s lawyer thinks she’s owed money. He obviously didn’t get into specifics, but even if Hydroderm had messed-up corporate issues, how does that hold Teri any less responsible for breaking her non-competition clause by failing to disclose that she had already signed on with City Cosmetics before signing with Hydroderm? It sounds like he’s just trying to distract the public and point the blame anywhere else that he can.

The fact that anyone is willing to pay Teri Hatcher $2.4 million to endorse a beauty product is either incredibly depressing or incredibly hopeful, depending on how you look at it. It’s depressing that there’s people that find the pulled-as-tight-as-a-pair-of-pantyhose face attractive and a good way to sell beauty products, but it’s hopeful in that even odd, fake looking people can be perceived as beautiful. I guess. I’m trying to come up with a silver lining that doesn’t make it sound like I’m totally slamming the way Teri Hatcher looks. Did it work at all?

Picture note by Jaybird: Here’s Teri at the Enchanted premiere in Hollywood on November 17th. Images thanks to PR Photos.