Drew Barrymore and Will Kopelman got divorced six years ago and I don’t think she’s really publicly dated anyone since. Drew did a cover interview with People Magazine recently and talked a little bit about her divorce and a lot a bit about dating. What Drew says about dating is vague, but relatable. Her children are young and she has a lot of irons in the fire with work, she’s been ghosted, it’s hard to meet people, and she’s not looking for just a hookup. Stars, they’re just like us, huh.
Drew Barrymore is dating — but it’s not her “priority” right now.
“Every once in a while, I think I force myself to put myself out there almost as a box to check,” she shares in this week’s issue of PEOPLE. “I am like, oh, let’s not lose sight of this.”
But her busy schedule as host of The Drew Barrymore Show, her Drew’s News podcast as well as running her Flower Beauty and Beautiful home line makes dating difficult.
“I’m such a mom and I’m so under the workload and I love being with my friends and I love being alone, so where does [dating] fit in? I struggle with it,” she says. “My kids aren’t old enough and my life isn’t quiet enough.”
When she does date, Barrymore faces some of the same pitfalls as everyone else. “I can’t believe how much ghosting hurts,” she says. “For anyone who’s been ghosted out there and they feel like a brush fire went through their bodies, I totally get it. It is so strange that someone would behave that way.”
And some nights feel doomed from the start. “I’ve gone on dates where I’m like, ‘Oh my God, why did I say yes to dinner? Why do I not know: Don’t do dinner. Because we haven’t ordered yet and I don’t want to be here,'” she says.
“It’s tough to sit down when you have so few nights off or to yourself, and you sit down, you’re like, ‘S–t, I don’t want to be here,'” she adds. “That in itself will make you not want to date.”
Barrymore’s celebrity status doesn’t make things easier. “People don’t ask me out a lot. It’s not like I have all these offers or names on my dance card. That’s not the way my life works,” she says.
And she’s not looking for a hookup either. “I don’t want to meet someone to have sex with them. I’m happy to go on a date and get to know somebody,” she says. “I’m not in that place anymore that’s just looking to hook up. That doesn’t even make sense to me right now.”
Still, “every once in a while, I’ll go on a date because it’s a very human, natural thing to do,” she says. “I feel like it would be unhealthy to cut it out completely, so I’m trying it to just the normal female, single [thing].”
Fortunately, she always sees at least one upside to even the worst dates: “I love the stories that come out of it.”
Part of me can’t believe that someone would ghost the Drew Barrymore, but there are so many sh-tty men out there that I guess I should totally believe it. I’m of two minds about ghosting though. Sometimes I think it’s fine and sometimes I think it’s awful because it’s one of those things that is completely situational. For example, if you’ve been casually dating someone for a couple of months and they ghost and just completely leave you on read and stop answering that’s really hurtful. But like, two dates where you don’t really click and then text convo sputters and starts to peter out is an okay ghosting scenario. A mutual ghosting is the best ghosting. Friend ghostings are pretty bad. Drew is definitely right about those “doomed from the start” nights though. Dinner is quite the commitment and if you have little time to yourself as it is, dating (and socializing for that matter) can seem like a chore keeping you from something else you’d prefer to be doing.
Photos credit People, Cover Images and Getty
Yes it is kinda painful. I am steering to get myself out there after a painful separation and divorce and I tell you, dating is insane!
Went on a date that I thought was great. Now he ghosted me. Hard to know now if the date was really good or not.
Anyhow, also went on another date, guy seems to like me but he just kept asking sex related questions and basically gets upset when k call him out on that. It’s ridiculous out there!
date #1 was probably fine! there’s no way to know what happened. maybe his wife figured out he was using dating apps. (only kinda joking).
date #2, you should ghost him!
congrats on getting out there. it’s hard! I feel you. I have decided to move verrrrrry slooooowly and make sure not to get caught up in anything too quickly. if someone is interested in me, it will be fine. if they get impatient, there’s my answer right there. it helps that I’m not that motivated to get into a relationship. I like having control over my life and I’m not eager to have to worry about what someone else wants, deal with their dysfunctional family, see their socks on the living room floor, etc etc.
I was under the impression celebs were set up by their managers w another celeb in the same boat? Like, manager/yenta style?
I think a huge part of the problem is this concept of “ghosting.” It’s just become this new way for people who are highly social with great verbal skills to demonize people who well, don’t. It makes a certain way of interacting, that many people are uncomfortable with, as the only acceptable norm.
I’m starting to see the “everybody ghosts me” people as kinda creepy. Why are you someone people don’t feel they can say goodbye to? Why does everyone else have to live out your fantasy of how they should interact with you? Some people are just exhausting.
ITA. Why should I as a human being feel obligated to keep up communication with someone if the relationship isn’t working out romantically and I want to move on? The people who want to have this long drawn out end-of-relationship debrief with their ex, or with that person they went on one or two dates with, are the ones who are weird, not those of us who are able to cut our losses and continue with our lives. Plus, Drew Barrymore is so freaking effusive that the men who don’t click with her on the first date probably literally have to run for their lives to get to a safe distance from all of the inappropriate emotion.
I agree. I went out on two dates with an extrovert who was so needy over text that when I stopped responding immediately to every text (and phone call) he complained to a mutual friend I’d ghosted him. No dude, you’re just exhausting.
That’s been my one and only dating experience since my divorce and I’m with Drew. I’m busy, I like my friends, I like my quiet time, my kids are still youngish but I’m not, so dating just isn’t a priority.
“This doesn’t work for me. Good luck to you.” There. No extraordinary verbal skills used or needed. Copy, paste, move on. Why? Because it’s the right thing to do after two people have invested some degree of time, energy and/or hope, however imbalanced, in one another. (And if that doesn’t work, that’s what the block feature is for.)
CommuniKate is right on. Take the 30 seconds tops to be a human being.
@Concern Fe I have a friend who is 58(I am 41) who claims everyone ghosts and that’s why she won’t leave her 3rd husband. She tried for 10 months to date and didn’t find a forever person fast enough. She doesn’t want to give up her lifestyle(she makes more money but likes going out to eat, traveling, plays etc) even though her and her husband don’t have sex anymore(because of his massive ED) nor even eat dinner together. They sound like literal roommates. I think she is too eager to move someone in to pay for half of the mortgage for most people. She doesnt want to be alone. She can be very exhausting because she is unsupportive of me because she is convinced I will never find a man; there are no good men out there. Her mindset desperately needs to change. I refuse to be pessimisstic and she cant believe I am an optimist! You have a very good point with people who claim this.
I absolutely HAD to ghost my abusive ex. I knew if I tried to shut things down and say goodbye she would just drag me into an hours-long fight where she hurled insults at me and made me the bad guy. So I waited for a fight where she said we shouldn’t speak any more (which she used as a manipulation tactic to shamefully effective ends a million times), agreed, then blocked her.
It took over 4 years for her to stop trying to trick me into taking calls by using things like call spoofing apps but finally I’m pretty sure she’s done, which is a huge relief. My husband is really supportive but was worried about her stalking for such a long time.
I guess my question is, why is basic communication (because communication doesn’t have to mean confrontation) difficult for you? Your comment feels defensive. Rather than telling people who may be hurt by ghosting to basically get over it (implying that they’re self-centered for wanting communication), maybe there is a compromise somewhere where you communicate in a way that feels good for you? I also want to note that may of the instances that folks are pointing out aren’t situations where it may be a date or two, but situations where the person is committed to an extent (dating for several months, longterm friendships, etc).
As someone who’s been ghosted before I have to remind myself and take heart in the fact the data suggests the ghoster’s communication skills and level of maturity are underdeveloped. One 🚩 predictably leads to more 🚩
I’ve been ghosted by a several-years friend and it hurt like h*ll. It was out of the blue with no conceivable reason. I ended up finding out after the fact that that’s her M.O.
At the same time she ghosted me, she ghosted several other good friends and even her then-husband.
In retrospect, I tried not to take it personally but it still stung.
That’s my general experience: if someone I know ghosts me, invariably if I think back on prior conversations with them, they’ve told me at least one, usually more, stories of times they’ve ghosted other people they knew even if I didn’t recognize it at the time.
On the “oh why did I agree to dinner” front, I feel her.
There was an Onion headline years ago that said something like “Man mad he has plans with friends and can’t just stay home” subheadline: … after he initiated the plan to go out
So a friend had what is obviously a deep, life-altering personal crisis and your takeaway is “she ghosted me”?
After multiple and prolonged attempts by all of us to reach out/connect/support and all efforts were completely ignored while she built a new social circle? Yep.
After finding out she’s done this to her entire friend groups three times before? Yep.
Also: this has now been years in the past and she’s never talked to any of us since. This was after years of talking daily, weekly happy hours, traveling internationally together, etc. One day it was simply radio silence with no discernible inciting incident that any of us could identify.
She’s also done this to the friendship group she developed after us. She has no long term friends from previous stages of her life.
One time would be a potentially understandable anomaly. Doing it repeatedly? It’s the way she operates .
Had a long term friend ghost me twice. One time she changed her number and didnt tell me. I kept texting the old number. Finally sent her a christmas card and she called me. We reconnected, but she became exhausting. Very much wanted me to text constantly. When I didnt, she accused me of telling unknown mutual friends bad things about her and ghosted me again. She was acting emotionally unstable the 2nd time we became friends, even cutting herself on her arms one time. To my knowledge, she has no friends atm. I get lots of mutual friends asking how she is, theyve been ghosted too.
I’m a bit on the fence about this one. You don’t owe people too much if you just start dating and if one of you knows its clearly not right, then that’s it– it just goes with the territory, actually.
That doesnt make it easy– cos sometimes you really would like to know- but I think I figured out the secret answer:
Sometimes there is no answer. Men are insanely fickle, and believe in “the one” a lot more than they ever admit to. It’s actually BETTER if they don’t try to fault you, or explain to you, because there IS no reason for them not to love you. They just didn’t “feel” like you were the one for them to dive into head first. And they aren’t able to communicate this feeling, and it may be entirely irrational and nonsensical (you may get a long great and be a fabulous match, but he’s looking for some different “gut feeling”) so it can actually be embarrassing to try to explain.
My last dating experience was in 2011 when apps were not the dating default, so I can’t speak for present day ghosting. Back then, even if I didn’t like the guy, I at least gave him an engaging meal so that it wouldn’t be a complete waste of time. The signal that I clearly was not interested would be an insistence on splitting the bill and usually, the guy would get the hint right away. If I liked him, I would let him pay and promise to get it “next time,” thereby signaling a desire FOR a next time. I realize how archaic and subjective this experience is, but ghosting still happened; it was just gentler and more of a polite fade out, so probably mutual and healthier?
But as my experience consists solely of men who met me in person and asked me out, I can only imagine how bad it has become, now that people barely have to do any work to get someone to appear before them. It’s like, a rapid summon is quicker to dissipate? There is nothing at all connecting you to these people and you are not answerable for your actions as you would be if you met through work or mutual friends. Abrupt ghosting sounds easy because you HAVE an actual choice of never seeing a date again, especially if you believe there’s a plethora of options out there.
Drew is in a class of her own and looking for a specific type of man. He would most likely be high profile and high income and it’s the tired but true trope of those types having many options and opting for younger women. It sucks but that is the only reason for which I can see someone ghosting her. That or some shmuck who wanted nothing but bragging rights.
While sometimes sure it’s an inability, discomfort in communication, it seems many times the person just doesn’t want to bother putting in any effort. Like once, for whatever reason, they’ve decided they don’t want to see someone again, they don’t see the point in spending a moment thought or energy in gracefully bowing out. As though the other person is not worthy of their time. Or somehow they can shore up their ego by not having to stoop to deal with the person they don’t want to date. (I suspect there’s a tie to the toxic viewpoint of unf-able = not a person of any value, why don’t you just die already or it’s cousin, viewing other people purely transactionally)
But if you’re a grown up human being and the other person is a grown up human being, it’s not a good look to not bother spending 30 seconds texting “this isn’t a match for me, but I wish you well and hope you find your person”
You don’t have to give an explanation, you don’t have to debate or justify… just “fare thee well, I’m out”
Granted there are situations there’s no need (a handful of super casual meet ups with no scheduled next meet up) or it’s better not to (the person was tossing controlling or angry red flags right and left). But generally being able to deal with 60 seconds of awkward to say “hey fellow person I wish you well but won’t be seeing you again” is a pretty low humanity bar, no? And I say that as an conflict-avoidant introvert.
Also, from a completely selfish perspective, I can’t imagine not trying to gracefully end things with someone who has their own talk show. Because the opportunity for them to publicly talk s about you is there every day.
At NorthofBoston just wanted to say Kudos, you articulated very well my thoughts on the matter. It truly is a low bar to just shoot a quick text of we don’t match, but good luck. We no longer have to even do an awkward phone call.
“I suspect there’s a tie to the toxic viewpoint of unf-able = not a person of any value, why don’t you just die already or it’s cousin, viewing other people purely transactionally)”
Whoa. I’m an introvert with social anxiety. It takes a great deal of effort and a lot of my own mental discomfort to tell someone something I think won’t be well received (some days even things I think should be well received).
I’m very sorry for the hurt some of you have experienced but if you find yourself in a dating situation with a shy, quiet person, and they disappear, it’s probably not because they wish you were dead.
@TwinFalls, seems like what you describe would fall into the “sometimes there’s a inability, discomfort in communication” category I’d say
I have a soft spot for Drew. I don’t know if it’s because I’m 39 yo so I “grew up” with her or because I’m a Pisces but I’m totally rooting for her. I’ve been married for 12 years and with my husband for 15 so ghosting wasn’t a thing when I was dating but I was ghosted by a close friend a couple of years ago. We were so close and talked all the time. Then I noticed she barely replied to my messages. She never reached out first. If I did reach out she left me on read or just never responded. It’s been 3 years and I’m just now gotten over it. Ghosting is horrible. Just tell people where you stand. I spent so much time trying to think of where I went wrong but couldnt reach out and ask.
If a good friend ghosts, there’s usually a very strong reason behind it, and that includes self preservation. I had to ghost a friend of 30+ years bc she had always crapped on my life, and I took it. Any last word with her would not be a last word, bc she knew me so well and how to successfully manipulate me and would hook me back in; I wanted this goodbye to stick, and it did– only bc all communication was cut off. I’m not proud, I know ghosting is hurtful, but so is a friend who doesn’t respect your life or its boundaries.
We all bring something specific to a conflict, and rarely is it one sided. Ghosting hurts, yes, but we are all capable of inflicting toxic, issue driven pain on others. I don’t this applies to Drew’s dating situation, clearly ,bc there is a lot of jerk behavior in dating…..I’m trying to make the point that not all ghostings are bc a person is just being a jerk. That person may be someone you’ve been abusive towards who’s had enough
I so agree with what you’ve written. With certain personality types, ghosting may be the best/safest option. The one time I ghosted someone it was a long-time “friend,” who I realized over time (and friends had long warned me about) had always been parasitic, possibly sociopathic, and the toxicity was intensifying toward the end. She had reeled me back in a few times and the only way I knew to get away was to ghost. Some people are predatory and know how to manipulate us, and sometimes the healthiest thing to do is to walk away quietly.
Some predatory or borderline scary people keep trying to reel us back in and ghosting is best option.
A family member was dating an woman who was like a nest of red flags — mental health issues, scattered work history, unhealthy habits, jealous and anger issues, trouble with money, you name it she had it — and after he broke up with her she kept messaging him, calling and generally sucking him back in to her drama. She eventually got him back with a drunken call. We all saw that he felt guilty because she seemed so distraught, and could see he thought it was his responsibility to fix her. Fast forward and to no one’s suprise who knew them, it’s hard to even recognize him now. He seems like a zombie.
People, ghost if you need to …
I went through a similar situation recently — but from the other end.
I had a friend of 30+ years with whom there was tension. I wanted to save the friendship and asked her to talk things through. When the day came for a chat, she vomited up a list of supposed infractions on my part, but they were all – 100% – examples of her grafting her own insecurities and judgments onto me, so she didn’t have to do the hard work of examining her own behavior.
She was convinced I was shitting on her all the time, but it was really her crapping on herself.
She would mangle anything I said into a slight deployed at her expense. Even more frustratingly, she expected me to treat her better than she treated me. And listening? Ugh. I realized she never did.
She ended up ghosting me — and hindsight being 20/20, I’m thrilled she did…because people who constantly point fingers at others but never notice the ones pointing back at them are exhausting.
I’ve ghosted a friend.
He said something inappropriate that make me re-examine things. That and space had me realize he was constantly disrespectful, and that the one annoying night was actually closer to sexual assault because he would not leave me alone.
I stopped responding to calls and texts. I haven’t told him why, but it’s because if I did I know he would argue and dismiss my memories.
I feel badly, but not enough to put myself in harms way.
I love her layered suiting looks! And her hair is the style I always wanted to achieve before I gave up on maintenance and cut it all off.
I ghosted a guy I dated back in 2006. He did cocaine on our first date and “didnt bring his wallet” and thus I had to pick up the tab for dinner. He called me 3 times afterwards and finally I answered, told him we were on different life paths (I was in grad school at the time, he was a welder with a DUI). If he hadn’t kept calling, I would have ghosted forever.
I will definitely ghost in the future if a man gives me unsafe vibes. I have had to break up with men via email, text, instant messenger in the past due to the fear of their reactions, which still werent good. I have had threats to my life or suicidal threats, as well as verbal abuse when I have broken up with people in the past. Men can become very emotionally unstable with a breakup because it deeply bruises their ego. In these cases, I would encourage ghosting in the future if women end up in similar circumstances.
I have ghosted and I have been ghosted.
The first one was a year long relationship type (no sex though) The guy kept playing this mind games with me. Avoiding me and then behaving like he hadn’t done anything wrong. Also no intimacy at all. He would avoid it like a plague. I gave him so many chances and in the end I just….stopped all communication. It was bliss.
The one who ghosted me did me a favor. He came back crawling with some stupid excuse but honestly him ghosting me gave me the wake up call to not go ahead with that relationship. It sucked and was funny at the same time because I liked him and also was thinking of ending things with him.
All in all I prefer to argue a little and tell my piece of mind before breaking up.
As fir Drew, she is a woman in her 40’s with 2 children and a full time job. Let’s face it- she is almost invisible to men.
My personal experience friend or romantic wise: people reveal clues to their true nature very early on. It is when we choose to ignore those clues if they are red flags or are unsettling to us is where we get into trouble.
I haven’t listened to my intuition enough in the past and befriended/dated people who made me uncomfortable, embarassed, hurt. Had a friend who I ghosted after 5 years of endless talking behind our mutual friends’s backs, strangers (making fun of them) as well as hurting me multiple times and when I told ehr multiple times to stop, she said I was playing the victim for voicing what hurt me and made me uncomfortable. The final straw was a vicious verbal attack on me amongst friends. She sent me an apology email a MONTH afteewards that sounded more like she was sorry my reaction not for what she said. I never responded. We had already previously had a falling out two years prior wherr we saw each other in group settings, but hadnt spoken in 8 months over more verbal attacks. She ultimately left the friend group and no one has hung out with her since. I could kick myself because when she started making fun of strangers on the subway, I should have known then she was not for me friendwise. I plan on listening to my intuition moreso moving forward. If a romantic partner or friend gives me the ick, no matter how much fun they are, time to move on.
A man usually leaves clues. I have a guy friend I liked, but he told me he tinders women, never goes out to restaurants. That’s right folks, he only meets women to do the deed. That should have been my clue that at 43, he was noncommittal and emotionally unavailable. We have been friends 16 years and he has never had a girlfriend.
My personal experience friend or romantic wise: people reveal clues to their true nature very early on. It is when we choose to ignore those clues if they are red flags or are unsettling to us is where we get into trouble.
I haven’t listened to my intuition enough in the past and befriended/dated people who made me uncomfortable, embarassed, hurt. Had a friend who I ghosted after 5 years of endless talking behind our mutual friends’s backs, strangers (making fun of them) as well as hurting me multiple times and when I told her multiple times to stop, she said I was playing the victim for voicing what hurt me and made me uncomfortable(setting boundaries). The final straw was a vicious verbal attack on me amongst friends. She sent me an apology email a MONTH afterwards that sounded more like she was sorry for my reaction not for what she said. I never responded. We had already previously had a falling out two years prior where we saw each other in group settings, but hadnt spoken in 8 months over more verbal attacks. She ultimately left the friend group and no one has hung out with her since. I could kick myself because when she started making fun of strangers on the subway, I should have known then she was not for me friendwise. I plan on listening to my intuition moreso moving forward. If a romantic partner or friend gives me the ick, no matter how much fun they are, time to move on.
A man usually leaves clues. I have a guy friend I liked, but he told me he tinders women, never goes out to restaurants. That’s right folks, he only meets women to do the deed. That should have been my clue that at 43, he was noncommittal and emotionally unavailable. We have been friends 16 years and he has never had a girlfriend.
A guy I knew in university would, as a first date, always invite the woman out “for a coffee and to do something later”.
Then, if they hit it off during coffee, he’d invite the woman to dinner, and if they did not hit it off, he’d invite her to a movie instead.
His logic was that dinner is for when you want to talk to the person, and movies are for when you don’t want to talk to the person. In other words, the movie was a way to wind down the date gently when he knew the relationship wouldn’t go anywhere.
So Drew is totally right that you shouldn’t agree to dinner until you know whether you’ll enjoy the company! 😀
Hello. I’ve been reading here a long time. Years. I’ve never thought any story was important enough for me to comment on. After all, who am I, but another random person on the internet with an opinion? You don’t need my opinions. But this time I didn’t want to miss the opportunity to thank you all for sharing your thoughts on ghosting.
I’m going through that with my oldest and formally closest friend and it really hurts and I am struggling to understand. Your experiences and thoughts really crystallized my feelings and helps me to heal. So thank you. My therapist would probably thank you too.