I don’t even know what to say. Angelina Jolie is on the cover of five tabloids this week, and every single one of them is negative. Angelina scored solo covers on Life & Style, OK!, and the National Enquirer, while she “shares” the covers of Us Weekly and Star Magazine with Jennifer Aniston. I’ll just break down some of the highlights from the cover blurbs: Angelina is a total fake, a cheater, she’s adopting without Brad, she’s been spreading nasty rumors about Jen, she and Jen both have “spiteful agendas” and are playing mind games with each other, and Angelina gives great bitchface (that’s just what I noticed from all of the bitchface covers).

I’ll start with one of the easier stories, from OK!. Apparently, OK thinks that Angelina is going to adopt a Syrian orphan girl, even though Brad isn’t ready for another kid. This has led to fights and according to OK, a “major rift” has formed between Brad and Angelina. Star Magazine reported this identical story (substituting the cute photo of a Syrian girl with an African girl) a few months ago.

Next up, Life & Style. They are claiming that they have new revelations that Angelina is a “total fake”, and that these revelations will “raise doubts about her saintly image”. Apparently, Angelina “manipulates” everything and everyone, because… no one ever thinks to make their own decisions about things? Here’s the L&S cover story:

Some big news broke for movie junkies on Nov. 4: Johnny Depp is in talks to join Angelina Jolie in the sexy spy thriller The Tourist. It will be the first time the duo have ever worked together. But the news was even more surprising because it completely contradicted a promise Angelina had made just weeks earlier. In an interview in the October issue of the British magazine Stylist, she said she intended to take a break from acting in part to focus on being a full-time mom to her six young children with Brad Pitt. “Maybe a film a year or every other year, and then I’ll phase things out.”

Instead, she signed on for The Tourist, and she’s also in talks to play a femme fatale in the fashion-dynasty drama Gucci. Of course, Angelina’s entitled to change her mind — but this marks the third time she’s publicly proclaimed her intent to take time off to care for her children. “Angelina has mastered the ability to play the greatest role of her life — that of a doting mother and partner who’d do anything for humanity,” a Hollywood insider tells Life & Style. “But the truth is more complex.”

Despite the image Angelina’s worked so hard to create, she’s also addicted to fame. In order to portray herself as a saintly figure, she claims to be above the Hollywood fray, not even bothering to have a publicist or read magazines. (“I never read what they write about us,” she says.) But a friend insists that’s nonsense. Instead of a publicist, she has a manager, Geyer Kosinski, whose reputation for protecting clients got him the nickname “Geyer the liar.” And a friend of the couple says they are interested in what magazines say about them. “How can you choose to be on W or Vogue if you’ve never been to a newsstand to look,” the friend says.

And like many celebrities, Angie’s also obsessed with staying young. But having work done goes against her image, so she’ll never admit it. “Angelina’s been in a lot,” a source at one of the top dermatologist’s offices in the U.S. tells Life & Style. “She’s very uptight about people not knowing that she has work done and keeps everything very discreet. It’s subtle stuff — fillers and laser treatments.”

[From Life & Style]

Eh. I might be more convinced if somehow the gerbils of doom were in on it. On to everyone’s favorite bitch fight, Jennifer Aniston vs. Angelina, which takes the Star and Us Weekly covers. Us Weekly’s story (“Angelina’s Cruel Lies”) looks like it’s about Angelina being the big, mean, goth, bitchfaced bad guy, and poor little pathetic Jennifer Aniston just cries herself to sleep every night because Angelina is so cruel. True story! Us Weekly also has Jon Voight on record saying he and Angelina have reconciled, sort of: “”We’re in touch, but not regularly. We love each other and that’s the most important thing.” A “friend“ says: “Angie made the initial contact. Brad [Pitt] has been supportive – a key factor in her reaching out.”

Meanwhile, Star attempts to make the story about Jennifer and Angelina trying to destroy each other in equal measure. Spoiler: this story does not involve gerbils either. I wish.

Dirty tricks! Catty insults! 2am phone calls! It’s been almost 5 years since Brad Pitt split from Jennifer Aniston and took up with his Mr. & Mrs. Smith costar Angelina Jolie, but the two women involved in Hollywood’s most famous love triangle can’t let their bitter rivalry go.

In the Nov. 23 issue of Star — on sale today! — we report that the longtime feud is going strong with both women playing mind games with one another. Jen loves digging at Angie by flaunting her relationship with Brad’s family while Angie relishes rubbing Jen’s nose in the fact that she has six beautiful children with Brad.

“Jen and Angie despise each other and take great pleasure in seeing each other squirm,” an insider tells Star.

Among the tricks Angie plays are finding from designers what dress Jennifer wants to wear on the red carpet — then going out to grab it for herself. Jen likes to make late night calls to Brad when he’s in France — conveniently “forgetting” the time difference so she will wake her nemesis in the early hours.

But Brad is not just an innocent bystanders in this war of the wills. An insider tells Star he’s “a terrible instigator” and even “eggs it on.”

[From Star Magazine]

And yes, people are still buying this sh-t. Finally, we have the Enquirer’s story about Angelina “collapsing” because she’s too thin. Brad is “scared” and he wants Angelina to go into counseling. It’s kind of a boring story, like the Enquirer wasn’t even trying.

Meanwhile, I’m kind of curious why Angelina got so many covers this week. She hasn’t given any interviews in a while, she’s not promoting anything, and there really isn’t any new information about her, truly. One theory I have for this media saturation is that both Ian Halperin and Andrew Morton (both of whom are about to release books on Angelina soon) are starting to “leak” to the tabloids, trying to get some early buzz for their books. We’ll see.

Magazine covers thanks to Cover Awards.