You know that critics hate a movie when celebrity-friendly People magazine runs a negative review. The much-anticipated second film in the Twilight series, New Moon, opened to record-setting crowds at midnight yesterday. It’s sure to rake in a ton of money at the box office, but that doesn’t mean that non-fans will necessarily love it. Critics are saying it’s way too long at over two hours, too teen-focused and too dark. It’s probably loyal to the book, then, because Meyer’s New Moon really dragged in parts and was full of depressing naval-gazing. The film has an aggregate critics’ rating of 29% on Rotten Tomatoes, which isn’t abysmal, but isn’t that good either. Here’s what people are saying about it.

Though the battles between good and evil vampires and between vampires and wolves generate excitement, mostly Moon is a stilted, soapy supernatural romance. – People

The cinematic equivalent of a Jonas Brothers concert, The Twilight Saga: New Moon is slickly packaged entertainment that’s nonetheless predicated on a creepy vision of teenage sexuality that is desiccated of, well, sexuality. *Two out of five stars – Times Online

New Moon offers few of the juicy, go-for-broke romantic pleasures of its predecessor, and the movie is so badly shaped that it’s hard not to blame Weitz as a director. – Salon.com

If the first instalment of The Twilight Saga was a celebration of teenage sulkiness, then this sequel positively drowns in it. – Digital Spy

The film is a major let down from the first one, which I found to be intense and powerful. There was such great chemistry between the characters of Edward and Bella in Twilight and that, to me, was completely lacking in the sequel. – BDKReviews

In “The Twilight Saga: New Moon,” the boys preen way more than the girls. Robert Pattinson’s Edward has the stylish wardrobe, the eyeliner, the rouge, the lip gloss and the perfect hair, while Taylor Lautner’s Jake spends most of his time whipping off his shirt in the rain so his abs can sparkle. At the screening I attended, dozens of teen girls squealed multiple times at the sight of Pattinson walking in slow motion, Lautner flexing his pecs. The only thing missing was a cameo by the Jonas Brothers. In the meantime, Kristen Stewart’s Bella is now 18, but she wears no discernible makeup, dresses like a 12-year-old boy and has two moods: pouting and sullen. No wonder 14-year-old girls love these books and movies. The female lead isn’t threatening, and the boys are studly and always fighting over her. – Richard Roeper

[via Rotten Tomatoes, individual sources linked]

I love reading scathing reviews, and I could include more, but you can read them through Rotten Tomatoes if you like. The bottom line is that fans are going to go see this movie and that they’ll probably drag their moms, cousins, and friends along. I’m kind of iffy on it now that I’ve read these reviews and I might just wait for the DVD. This is part of my job and I write off all my movie tickets, but if the film is too long and lacks the appeal of the first one I’m likely to skip it. I have a short attention span and walked out of this year’s Harry Potter and The Half Blood Prince because it seemed too boring.

Not that occasional decisions like mine will hurt ticket sales at all. This film will be a huge hit, and that’s why there’s absolutely no pressure on the Twilight filmmakers to put out a decent story. Director Chris Weitz seems to realize that he’s put out an inferior product for whatever reason. He told MovieMaker Magazine “Every time I make a movie I’m pretty much convinced it’s the last time I’m going to be able to do it and that really it’s a rather silly occupation to undertake.” Weitz seemed to be complaining about the final, unapproved edits to his film The Golden Compass, but he might have been talking about his more recent experience with New Moon. Filming guys taking their shirts off and swooning over a brooding girl might not be artistically rewarding, but it does earn a boatload of cash.