Between the sparse crowds and grim-faced royals at Trooping the Colour, plus the fact that the Princess of Wales’s mother’s house of cards collapsed, you would think that the British commentary class would have their hands full. You would be wrong. Why talk about Carole Middleton’s sleazy financial drama when you could talk about the Duke and Duchess of Sussex’s Spotify deal? Why talk about the all-white royals flopping time after time when you could pretend to be a forensic accountant for Harry and Meghan’s finances? So it is with Camilla Tominey’s Telegraph column. Tominey suggests that Harry and Meghan were fired from Spotify, suggests that no one wanted to hear Meghan’s opinions (a lie, especially given the success of Archetypes) and then Tominey talks about how the Sussexes will always be in need of cash, which should worry the Windsors? Some highlights:

People aren’t listening to Archetypes! While the streaming giant’s listenership has grown by 22 per cent in the past year, the appeal of Meghan’s output appears to have waned. Archetypes topped the Spotify charts when it debuted last August but now it does not even feature in the top 100.

The dangerous Sussexes: Yet while there will no doubt be some toasting the news of Archetypes’s demise, the Palace powers-that-be should perhaps be mindful that the more the Sussexes’ earning power recedes, the more dangerous they could become. While the Duke may have said all he wants to in his autobiography Spare, and accompanying interviews (although he has claimed he has enough material for a second book), the Duchess is clearly still brimming with “content” that is seemingly bursting to come out. And while a great deal of it can easily be dismissed as word salad, she’s never been afraid of adding a splash of vinegar dressing when discussing her royal relatives….This is a woman, it appears, who has kept the receipts and may not be afraid to brandish them should the need arise.

Spare on steroids: So the Palace’s supporters are celebrating a pyrrhic victory if they think the Sussexes’ de-Spotification is a good thing. The more desperate the duo are to land new deals, the more demanding their paymasters may be about the type of content they provide. Think Spare on steroids.

The Sussexes were going too fast! The other danger is the Sussexes’ constant desire to do everything in a hurry, which is what put them at odds with the steady House of Windsor in the first place. While the Duke and Duchess have been determined to share their “truth” at the speed of 100 mph, the Royals have always operated at a much slower pace (rather like travelling in a yellow cab through New York when you are not being “chased” by paparazzi).

Royal life is a marathon: Take this weekend’s Trooping the Colour. It’s hard to believe it now, but it was 10 years before the Princess of Wales was actually allowed to appear on the Buckingham Palace balcony under the Firm’s “no ring, no bring” policy. Royal life is a marathon, not a sprint.

[From The Telegraph]

Imagine thinking you’re making some kind of point that people aren’t still listening to a podcast from eight months ago? Archetypes was successful when it was released, jeez. While Tominey is happy to invoke Spare, she seems to have a mental block about how much money that memoir has made? Like, Harry is getting millions. But what Tominey is clearly worried about is whether Meghan will ever write a memoir. That’s what they’ve always been afraid of – Meghan speaking honestly about how she was treated, Meghan speaking about how the Windsors and the British media still abuse her and her children. Anyway, it must suck to be a royal reporter and be editorially boxed in from writing about how the king’s first Trooping the Colour as sovereign was such a suckfest that it didn’t even make the newspaper covers.

Photos courtesy of Avalon Red, Cover Images.