I’ll pretty much believe any conspiracy you’ve got about Robert F. Kennedy Jr’s “presidential campaign” and why he’s running. It’s clear that the man is a total nutjob, but it’s also clear that there are many powerful people backing his whackjob candidacy behind the scenes. And by powerful people, I mean Republican operatives. So give me your best conspiracy! I want to hear it. This honestly reeks of ratf–king, in the same way as Kanye West’s “candidacy” in 2020. In any case, RFK Jr. is doing meetings and dinners with important people in the media world. Which led to this Page Six headline: “Robert F. Kennedy Jr. press dinner explodes in war of words and farting.” I’m mad because I hate RFK Jr. too much to actual enjoy a story about farting.

Page Six regrets to report that a press dinner to boost Robert F. Kennedy Jr.’s presidential campaign devolved into a foul bout of screaming and polemic farting on Tuesday night. The White House hopeful attended the affair at Tony’s on the Upper East Side, no doubt hoping to impress on the ladies and gentlemen of the Fourth Estate his worthiness to sit at the very same Oval Office desk once occupied by his late uncle. But a shouting match over climate change broke out between two boisterous old men, sending the evening down an extremely unfortunate path.

The gaseous exchange — to which Page Six bore reluctant witness — began after a guest asked Kennedy, founder of ecological organization Waterkeeper Alliance, about the environment. And it seems that the mere inquiry was enough to set off apparently drunk gossip-columnist-turned-flak Doug Dechert, the host of the event, who became enraged and screamed at the top of his lungs: “The climate hoax!”

Meanwhile, octogenarian art critic Anthony Haden-Guest, who appeared to have been sleeping happily for most of the dinner, was roused by the abrupt rumpus. Haden-Guest suddenly opened his eyes and denounced his longtime pal Dechert, calling him a “miserable blob.” “Shut up!” implored Haden-Guest.

Dechert continued to scream wildly about the climate change “scam” while Haden-Guest peppered him with verbal volleys from across the table, calling him variously “f*cking insane” and “insignificant.”

RFK Jr. meanwhile, a prospective president of the United States, watched calmly on.

Here, it seems, Dechert sensed the need for a new rhetorical tack, and let rip a loud, prolonged fart while yelling, as if to underscore his point, “I’m farting!”

The room, which included a handful of journalists as well as RFK Jr.’s campaign manager, former Rep. Dennis Kucinich, was stunned, seemingly unsure about whether Dechert was farting at Haden-Guest personally or at the very notion of global warming. (Regrettably, we may assure readers that there was no room for doubt that the climate changed in the immediate environs of the dinner table). The candidate maintained a steady composure in the face of the crisis.

[From Page Six]

Regardless of the political implications, the only thing I enjoy more than a fart story is a story about someone ANNOUNCING that they’re farting. There’s something about someone stopping what they’re doing just so they can focus on letting one rip, whilst simultaneously announcing “I’m farting!” As I get older, I also have to stop what I’m doing so I can focus on the act of breaking wind. Anyway, Robert Kennedy Jr. is a ratf–king Republican stooge and I hate that a small number of people are buying whatever batsh-t lunacy he’s selling.

Photos courtesy of Avalon Red.