While I have a dark heart and I do not fear confrontation, I usually don’t care enough to actually drag someone in person. Like, why go out of my way to tell someone off? But it’s different with Prince William, especially as his Kensington Palace elves are pushing the increasingly bizarre narrative that William is beloved by Americans. I absolutely would go all the way to New York, just to tell him to go f–k himself to his face. It all started with that dipsh-t Gallop poll, which was almost certainly bought and paid for by Kensington Palace, which showed that Americans view William more favorably than Donald Trump. It’s clear that the poll was part of a months-long hype campaign ahead of William’s trip to New York in September. Too bad that bald idiot is being woodshedded as we speak because he was too lazy to travel to Australia to do his job! Don’t let pesky little facts like those get in the way of Kensington Palace’s obscenely obvious efforts to embiggen Prince Peggy to America.

Prince William “has quietly conquered America.” Does it matter? Yes. They may not be part of the all-important Commonwealth, nor particularly relevant to the future and funding of the monarchy that so requires UK public support, but for many Americans, the royals are front and centre of Brand Britain. An audit for Brand Finance, published in May, found the Royal family will deliver an estimated £958 million benefit to the UK this year. American tourists are central to that benefit, providing a steady footfall through the palaces and travelling in numbers for the big royal occasions of weddings, jubilees and the Coronation. It is hard to dispute a recent pithy assessment from The New York Times: “In an age of division, there is something to be said for royals as a unifying symbol. Plus they are good for tourism and gossip.”

Americans don’t see William as a celebrity: “If you look at the US, there’s huge interest in the Royal family as people,” says a source who knows the Prince well. “But their long-term role is to stay out of the world of celebrity culture and, even more importantly, party-political culture. That’s incredibly important in the US because it is so polarised. It’s not a surprise that people have noticed that over time. There is a sense of calm consistency and service.”

America loves Peg because he’s the model of busywork: “There is no talk here of ‘conquering America’,” they say. “The engagements the Prince and Princess have done in the US are the bread and butter of what they do in the UK. It’s very much taking their approach overseas and letting it translate there.”

People Magazine’s Simon Perry was quoted at length: “There are few people in the world who have been famous from the day they are born to today, and William is one of those. That is due not only to him being royal but, more importantly, to him being one of Princess Diana’s sons.” American readers “want the best” for both of Princess Diana’s boys, he says, adding that they “respect and applaud” the balancing act William is managing to find for the lives and privacy of his own children.

Celebrity itself is not enough. “Nowadays, the public want people who stand for something a bit more long term and stable,” says one former palace aide.

Only People Mag calls them this: In the US press and on television, the Waleses are invariably called the “future King and Queen”. Their titles, as the Sussexes have come to learn, matter.

Peg the global statesman: “This is a serious, statesmanlike role,” says a long-term royal observer. “He’s going out there to get things done: boosting the Earthshot finalists, securing funding, changing people’s minds at the top end of things.”

The Sussexes’ revelations have had a rather unexpected side effect. Ordinary people on both sides of the Atlantic have found themselves in sympathy with the prince who cannot answer back. “If you had listened to the prevailing wisdom going back to 2020 about where you would expect the heir to the throne to be in public opinion, you would be very surprised at the situation now,” says a source. “Everyone seemed to be saying it was the end of the Royal family in the US, ‘they’re not going to survive this’. They were advising William to fight back: ‘Say more, do more, give interviews.’ If he had listened to them, he wouldn’t be in the strong place he’s in now. He was never going to engage in any back-and-forth or short term stuff and neither would Catherine. Whatever they may think about it privately, they will get on with the job. He was still getting out there when it was really difficult – after the interview, the book – and I think people respected that.”

[From The Telegraph]

It should be noted that this is just another version of “British people Britsplain America to a British audience.” This is also a variation on “the Windsors traveling abroad to perform for their domestic audience.” It doesn’t actually matter if William is popular in America – what matters is that William is telling his domestic (British) audience that he’s popular in America, just trust him. In many ways, it won’t matter what kind of reception William gets in New York, because he’s already primed the British papers to lavish praise on him, and they’ll all declare him “the king of New York” even if his ass gets booed at the UN. I also wonder if A) William would care about America whatsoever if Harry hadn’t moved here and B) if this 41-year-old jealous suck-baby will ever be able to brief the media without everything being a giant subtweet of Harry. Every single William does now, it’s always about Harry and how William is better, fancier, balder, more respectable, quieter, more famous, more beloved than Harry. What a sad, pathetic man he is.

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Photos courtesy of Backgrid, Cover Images.