As most of us were only waking up to gorge ourselves on Christmas excesses (Johnny Walker Red for me, thanks for asking), Charlie Sheen was already in jail for doing something maybe/probably to his wife Brooke Mueller. Some reports have him choking Brooke, some reports have him threatening her with a knife, some reports have her drunk and angry and recanting the whole thing when she sobered up. This is just my opinion, but I believe something shady, violent and Charlie-Sheen-incited did go down, but I’m open to the possibility that there’s much, much more to the story.

Anyway, there is no question about what happened post-jail: a huge media clusterf-ck. Every outlet is covering the incident and what will happen next differently. Some people chose to go for a nicer, cleaner version of what-happens-now. Let’s take People Magazine – they claim that Charlie Sheen and Brooke are headed straight to counseling to resolve their difference:

Charlie Sheen and wife Brooke Mueller are planning to undergo counseling after a heated fight at a dinner party in Aspen, Colo., that landed Charlie in jail on domestic violence charges Friday morning.

“They were fighting at a dinner in a friend’s house and it continued until the next morning,” a source close to Mueller tells PEOPLE. “Both of them were drinking and neither was supposed to be. They both have histories of alcohol abuse and have made every effort to stop. But things got out of hand.”

“Charlie went right back to Los Angeles after he was released from jail,” the source tells PEOPLE. “Both he and Brooke will undergo counseling and Charlie will get anger management counseling.”

Despite reports, the couple had not been separated in the weeks leading up to the Christmas morning 911 call at the house they were renting with their twin boys, Bob and Max, 9 months.

“Brooke and Charlie have never been separated,” the source tells PEOPLE. “And the boys are fine – so precious. They knew nothing about a fight between their parents.”

The actor’s Colorado-based attorney Richard Cummins tells PEOPLE, “They have two children together and they love one another and they’re going to work through what is a difficult time and they’re going to do that together and as privately as possible.”

Sheen’s rep, Stan Rosenfield, had no further comment. Mueller, 32, plans to stay at her rented house in Aspen, and there is no talk of divorce at this time.

“Brooke loves to snowboard and wants to be in Aspen now,” the source tells PEOPLE. “After this unfortunate event, they need to be apart for awhile.”

[From People Magazine]

Ah, I see it. Brooke gets just as nasty when she drinks as Charlie, thus his hands are clean? That’s sketchy logic. Especially considering that the Colorado judge who heard Charlie’s case gave Brooke an order of protection, which is in effect a restraining order against Charlie. This basically means that Charlie can have no contact with Brooke until the case is resolved. There’s also a steady stream of gossip from many “sources close to Brooke” that she wants out of the marriage big time, but she’s open to a big cash settlement to make the charges go away.

Meanwhile, Radar did something interesting with this story – apparently, Radar got fed the same kind of quotes as People Magazine, but they attributed the quotes to Charlie’s manager Mark Burg (who isn’t just some random “friend” – this is a guy who has a vested economic interest in Charlie Sheen the corporation). Burg basically denies any part of the story that makes Charlie look like a violent douche:

Charlie Sheen and Brooke Mueller will not divorce, the actor’s manager and close friend Mark Burg told RadarOnline.com exclusively.

“I have spoken to all parties concerned. There are no plans for divorce,” Burg told RadarOnline.com. “They are both deeply upset about what happened and are trying to work things out amicably. They both want to get away from all the sensationalism surrounding what happened and quietly resolve things.”

It will be difficult for Sheen and Mueller to work things out right away because Sheen is legally prohibited from talking to or coming near his wife. A Colorado judge issued a restraining order barring the actor from his wife after Sheen was arrested on domestic battery charges. The protective order is mandated by state law in these types of cases.

Burg, who is also one of the executive producers of Charlie’s hit show Two and a Half Men, insisted that Charlie and Brooke had not been separated prior to the fight that resulted in his arrest.

“Brooke went to Colorado a day ahead of Charlie. That was it,” Burg told RadarOnline.com. “They had not been separated and neither of them has plans to file for divorce.”

But sources close to Brooke tell RadarOnline.com that she wants out of the marriage and had gone to Colorado to get away from her husband. Those sources say that Mueller has been blitzed by Team Sheen since the Christmas morning incident. Brooke privately told friends that her husband’s representatives quickly moved into damage control mode, pressured her to recant what she told police and even suggested the exact words she should use! They also discussed money with her. Mueller has a prenuptial agreement.

Late on Christmas day Mueller did recant her version of the violence to a court official– after contact with Charlie’s reps. But Mueller has not made any public statement and is telling friends she doesn’t know what to do because of all the pressure Charlie’s reps are putting on her.

Charlie and his team have millions of dollars in incentives to clean up his reputation and keep him out of jail. He is in the final season of his Two and a Half Men contract, a deal that pays him $20 million a year. A convicted wife beater might not be so attractive to CBS and the show’s sponsors.

Multiple sources who know both Charlie and Brooke have also confirmed to RadarOnline.com independently that both are miserable in the marriage. Sheen also has the additional problem of dealing with the fact that he had been drinking alcohol before the incident. He’s been through rehab twice.

Mueller had also been up all night and had been drinking heavily before Aspen police received her 911 call at 8:34 am. A source familiar with the legal situation told RadarOnline.com that Mueller told police Sheen struck her and threatened her. One person close to the situation told RadarOnline.com: “Charlie’s team will not let up until Brooke recants. He has too much to lose. If convicted of these charges he’ll face prison time. They will promise Brooke whatever they have to in order for her to help get him out of this mess. There will be plenty of public relations spin. But anyone who knows them knows that they are miserable together and it’s just a matter of time before this marriage is officially over.”

The couple has been married for less than two years. Charlie and Brooke are the parents of twin boys.

[From Radar]

People are going to believe what they believe about Charlie Sheen no matter what I say, so I’m just going to pick apart the media strategy at play on Team Sheen. First of all, they’re being way, way too obvious. If Charlie truly was not violent towards Brooke, they wouldn’t be trying so hard to both malign Brooke and embrace her. It’s spastic media management, and it comes from representing a guy you know should go to jail. It’s Charlie’s media management that has actually convinced me that Brooke’s original version of events is probably close to the truth than anything Charlie’s team cooks up.