In early January 2023, Jeremy Renner was plowing snow around his Tahoe property. He hopped off the snow plow for a moment to communicate with his nephew, and the plow began moving. Before he knew what was happening, he got caught underneath the plow as it literally began churning his bones. He broke over 38 bones, many in multiple locations. He died out there on the snow and he was on life support for days at the hospital. Slowly, he recovered enough to walk around with a cane and give some interviews. But you can tell that it’s still a very long process and his body is very far from okay. Renner covers the latest issue of Men’s Health, where he talks about getting back into the gym and trying to rehab his body to a state where he can work as an actor. He was filming Mayor of Kingstown during this interview, so his efforts have paid off somewhat, although he’s clearly still in pain and he’s dealing with cramping and fear of reinjuring himself. Some highlights from the interview:

A very graphic description of what happened to him when he was caught under the 14,000-pound PistenBully snow groomer: “It undulates, because there’s four sections of tires with these metal tracks—it pulls it like a tank. I remember every undulation. I remember my head cracking on the thing and it just pressing on me—it’s exactly like you think it would feel. An immovable object and a crushing force, and something’s gotta give. But thank God my skull didn’t fully give. And then it kept going. Undulate, undulate, undulate, undulate. Cheekbone broke, eye socket broke, and then from the crushing of getting run over by the machine, my eye bulged out. I could see my left eyeball with my right eyeball. I was screaming for a breath. I needed to shove all my energy of air out just so I could suck air back in. There was no breathing happening.”

What he was thinking about as he was dying on the snow: “Let me just get this breathing right, and then I can go tell the family we’re not going skiing today. But then I started getting really tired. My heart rate’s going lower, lower, lower. Huooohohh, huooohohh, just this exhaustive breathing for 45 minutes. But with the exhaustion there was almost peace. The EMTs arrived and I thought, I have to give my body up to them, because I’m cooked. I’m not getting up. These aren’t just cramps. I’m not gonna walk back down the driveway to see my family. I’m not gonna take my daughter skiing today. Or all the kids that were waiting for me. I can’t kid myself anymore. I have to give it up and just focus on breathing. Focus on breathing. Focus on breathing.”

He used to fear loss: “I realized you can’t fear loss. You can mourn loss. You should fear not being able to mourn loss. If you don’t feel bad after the loss, then you didn’t spend the time to connect with the person. Shoulda, woulda, coulda—fear that. Dive more into people. Love them fully. Don’t dip your toe in sh-t.”

His friendships with the Avengers: Anthony Mackie visited the hospital within days of the accident, when Renner was still on life support and could see only out of his right eye. Paul Rudd came. Sam Rockwell came. Robert Downey Jr. FaceTimed him repeatedly, joking that it didn’t matter if Renner felt like sh-t, only that he looked great. The Avengers actors truly are as close as they seem to be on social media. “Oh, f–k yeah, it’s a real thing—it’s not just for Instagram. We f–kin’ hate that sh-t. No, we have a family chat and have for a long time. When you work with people—look, we all went through a culturally significant experience together. And there’s divorces and marriages and babies; a lot of stuff happened in these 12 years. In the films, we look like we’re at a costume party, and there’s ridiculous props and we’re doing these ridiculous things, but it’s also beautiful because we’re all connected. There’s a brotherhood or sisterhood or whatever the heck you want to call it. I just call it love. I love every one of them. I’d rather go to jail with Downey than go do something amazing by myself. I’d rather get in a car crash with Evans.”

He’s not taking any easy routes: “Look, I’m 53. I’m on the downslide of trying to gain muscle. You get atrophy, testosterone level’s at 300, no growth hormone in me at all—everything’s going on a downslide. Protein helps with the muscles, so I’m on a higher-protein diet. The more strength I have, the more energy I have to keep going. People ask how. How do you do this? You just put in the work, man. Love yourself; be confident in yourself. How do you find confidence? You take one step, then you take another step, and then guess what, Hot Sauce? You’re walking! You know what I mean? You breathe out, then you breathe in, then you breathe out. Well now you’re breathing!”

What his near-death experience was like: “Let this body die. Trust me: It was way better being out of it. Being dead. But I’m glad I’m here, and I’m going to keep feeding what you take with you: those shared experiences with those you love. It’s eternal, and you take it with you. It’s connected. There’s no time, place, or space. It’s magnificent. It’s the mind’s eye. Not your vision. You don’t need vision—you’re dead. Vision is part of the stupid body thing. But the mind’s eye you take with you. You see in your mind—that’s being dead. That’s what it’s like being dead. What you can visualize with your eyes closed. It’s awesome. It’s awesome! And by the way, everyone’s in it! It’s what your imagination is. It was joy. It was exhilarating peace. Exhilarating peace. You’re connected to everything all at once. All the love from the third-grade teacher you fell in love with to the everything all at once. All that’s there. Continual. Perpetual. In perpetuity. It’s infinite. It’s magnificent.”

[From Men’s Health]

It’s remarkable that he’s made this recovery or any recovery at all. It’s remarkable that he can remember so much of his thought process when he was in profound shock and nearly dead. It’s remarkable that he’s come out of the past 18 months with the perspective of: I don’t fear death, we’re all connected and no, I’m not going to take steroids or what have you to get stronger, I’m doing this the hard way.

Photos courtesy of Cover Images, cover courtesy of Men’s Health.