For some strange reason, the tabloids are full of stories about Jake Gyllenhaal this week. None of the stories is all that scandalous or interesting, but put them all together and perhaps a picture will form. What is that picture? That Jake could be very, very upset about his breakup with Reese, and that everyone is trying to help him and set him up on dates and cheer him up and give him advice. That’s seriously the theme of these stories… which I find strange. Do I buy that Jake is the kind of guy who gets utterly devastated by a breakup and mopes around Hollywood parties getting advice from Sean Penn? Hmmm…

First up, In Touch claims that Jake’s Brothers costar and friend Tobey Maguire tried to set him up with a Reese Witherspoon-lookalike, only this girl had curly hair. Jake and the girl “seemed to hit it off on their first date… he was listening intently whenever she spoke.” One of Jake’s “friends” tells the mag that Jake is “lonely” and that he “wants a girlfriend.” Oh, he’s one of those guys. Those guys who don’t know how to function without a girlfriend or wife. Those guys are strange, in my opinion.

Meanwhile, Star Magazine reports that Reese and Jake are still talking, and might consider getting back together. Reese is “torn apart” since dumping Jake, and her kids are upset too. A friend tells Star: “Reese said Ava has been e-mailing Jake, asking him to come back. Reese says she realizes he’s more mature than she gave him credit for, and he won’t just walk away from her like Ryan did. That was her big concern.” And what about Jake? “His heart was broken… he said they should take a few months to figure out where they stand.”

And finally, both Star Magazine and the National Enquirer have stories about Jake and Sean Penn bonding or something. In Star’s version, Sean was introducing Jake to models at a party a few weeks ago, and Sean and Tobey Maguire acted as Jake’s “wingmen” because he was too shy to talk to the girls right away. This version seems totally… weird. The Enquirer’s version sounds a bit better though:

Bad boy Sean Penn is giving Jake dating advice!

Jake was moping his way through a party at Hollywood’s Chateau Marmont on January 9 when Penn stepped in.

“It was obvious Jake was upset. He wasn’t smiling or talking much, so Sean walked over to him, patted him on the back, and told him to be thankful he and Reese never got married,” an insider divulged. “Sean told Jake that marriage is overrated, and he should enjoy the single life because he has the rest of his life to be married.”

“Jake looked like he was taking Sean’s anti-marriage advice to heart. He smiled a lot more after their little chat.”

[From The National Enquirer, print edition, February 1, 2010]

Okay, how screwed up do you have to be to not only get advice from Sean Penn, but to actually take that advice? If Sean Penn told me to duck, I would jump up. If he told me to go right, I would go left. If he told me to zig, I would zag. So, my advice to Jake: either ignore Penn, or just do the opposite of whatever he told you. So… don’t enjoy the single life. Get married. And continue moping around.