This actually isn’t much of a story, it’s just a collection of some of John Mayer’s douchey quotes over the past week. It’s been a spectacular week for douche-baggery, though, and Mayer is King of Oh-God-Just-Kill-Me’s. Anyway, first up: Mayer’s much-hyped appearance on VH1 Storytellers. Unfortunately, this isn’t a story about Keith Urban telling Mayer to suck it, or a story about Taylor Swift coming to her senses and realizing that she (nay, every woman) could do much, much better than John Mayer. Apparently, when Mayer was introducing his song “Daughters”, Mayer told the audience that he was “done dating girls with daddy issues.” I thought daddy issues and girls with low self-esteem were Mayer’s dating bread-and-butter?

Next up, John Mayer was upset that his brilliant piece of comedic line-delivery in Rolling Stone wasn’t noted everywhere. Apparently, Mayer saying that he was “looking for the Joshua Tree of vaginas” didn’t make CNN’s top story, so he decided to ruminate on why that was. Mayer’s verdict? It’s because he’s single, and thus, people don’t care about his brilliant comedic delivery regarding: Joshua trees, vaginas, et al. So Mayer went even further:

Just when you thought John Mayer couldn’t say anything weirder than, “I’m looking for the Joshua Tree of vaginas,” he launches into a random rant about the depravity of his texting. “I write a lot of dirty text messages to girls,” he revealed to the Independent Newspaper.

But John Mayer believes the reason these nuggets of naughty never make it into the hands of John Q. Public is because he’s single, so no tabloids are interested the story. “If a girl brought a dirty text message from me to the newspapers, they’d say ‘I don’t have an angle here. Someone wants to wear your ass like a hat? Big deal.'”

Yes, let’s review John Mayer’s desire today: he wants to wear your ass like a hat. But not forever — unless you happen to marry him.

“When I get married that’s gonna be my vows, ‘Do you, John Mayer, take this woman to have and to hold, to wear her ass like headgear?’ Yes, I do — you’re the one whose ass I wanna wear like a hat for the rest of my life.”

So as it just turns out, “Your Body Is A Wonderland” was less of an ode to the nooks and crannies of J. Love’s physique, and more of an accessory exploration piece.

[From The New York Post]

The line “I want to wear your ass like a hat” just needs to be said by the right man for it to be a good line. When Mayer says it, I feel like he’s two seconds away from crushing a Roofie in my beverage. If Clive Owen said it, my panties would already be on the ground.

Lastly, we have Mayer pontificating on sell-outs. Takes one to know one? Nay! Mayer seems to be hitting certain celebrities who brand their own perfume. Hm… what does Mayer have against Beyonce, Sarah Jessica Parker and Kim “Farty Arctic Bird” Kardashian? He doesn’t really. I think his qualm is that no one markets perfume or cologne that smells real. Authentic, you know? Like, deep. And hilarious. Mayer says: “I’ve always just been stupidly curious about stuff; I’m not diversifying in terms of selling anything. I’m not selling ‘John Mayer: the cologne’. If I did it would just smell like sausage and sleep. I don’t look at my fans and think, ‘Wow, they really like what I do musically. Imagine if I could get 60 more dollars out of them!’ Who out there really goes, ‘You know what, I just f**king love perfumes. I always have since I was a kid. If I weren’t a pop singer, I’d be a perfumier…’ (sic)? At some point I may turn into an a**hole, but right now I just peddle a CD for 15 dollars every two years.” Oh my God, sausage and sleep! He’s so deep!

John Mayer performing in England on January 18, 2010. Credit: WENN.