The British tabloids have one overarching complaint about the Duchess of Sussex: “Why is she forcing us to obsess over every little thing she does or says??” It’s insane. The Mail has been endlessly cycling through years-old footage of Meghan and Harry and writing new “remember when” stories about everything from their appearance at the Jubbly to that time Meghan looked in the general direction of a white person (and made them cry). At no point has any British media outlet acknowledged that they don’t have to pay attention to the Sussexes, nor do they have to stalk every little thing Meghan does. Well, the Mail isn’t going to acknowledge that any time soon. They managed to get their hands on a bottle of As Ever’s jam/spread, and wouldn’t you know, they published an exhaustive “withering take on Meghan’s sold-out raspberry jam.” I’m not going to publish the whole thing (it’s absolutely ridiculous), but I laughed at the Mail’s “exclusive” photos of some staffer playing with the jam. Here are the basics of the Mail’s first ever (???) jam review.

Meghan Markle’s As Ever raspberry spread has finally arrived after over a year of anticipation and an entire rebrand – so, is the Duchess’ infamous berry concoction really all that she’s said it’s cracked up to be? Spoiler: it might be time for her to ‘concentrate’ on a new formula. The precious jars sold out in minutes when they were released Wednesday, but FEMAIL managed to get our hands on the $14 raspberry spread, in keepsake packaging no less, for the first public review.

The Duchess previously explained in an episode of her Netflix show, With Love, Meghan, that her preserves can’t technically be called jam, because ‘jam is equal parts sugar and fruit.’ Per Food & Wine, jam is regulated by the FDA, and it must come from a single fruit, containing at least 45 percent fruit and 55 percent sugar. What Meghan is selling under As Ever is not called a jam or a preserve – it’s a spread, with ingredients of raspberries, organic pure cane sugar, organic lemon juice concentrate, and fruit pectin, a natural stabilizer.

On Saturday morning, we unboxed Meghan’s seemingly covetable raspberry spread, which arrived in a small box from FedEx. Upon opening, we found a ‘handwritten’ note from Meghan herself right on top, printed on a thick postcard with her As Ever branding stamped in gold foil. When you flip the card around, there’s a message printed in Meghan’s signature calligraphy that reads, ‘Enjoy – Meghan.’ A bit ominous there, Megs.

After reading the note, we continued wading through the packaging to find the jam, which was padded in packing peanuts and wrapped in creamy beige paper, before we finally got to the pièce de résistance. Because we’d splurged for the keepsake packaging, as the Duchess gave customers no other choice during her initial launch, it meant that the 7.6oz jar came in a tan, cylinder-shaped package, embossed with the As Ever logo on its front. The over-the-top packaging, which would be hard to reuse due to its jam-shaped hole, reminded us more of a luxury candle than a condiment we’d throw in the fridge after opening.

But packaging aside, what really matters here is the taste – and we can’t help but think As Ever’s signature product might be in a bit of a jam. Immediately upon opening the jar, we were taken aback by its texture. The spread was very liquid and quite thin – a bit ‘loose,’ if you will. If we hadn’t known better, we’d have thought it melted during its expedited journey to us. That being said, it is described by the brand as including a hint of lemon and a ‘fluid texture’. Typically, a jar of jam is thicker and sticks together, whereas when we stuck our spoon into Meghan’s raspberry spread, its consistency dripped off the silverware like a sauce. It was unappealing to say the least.

As for the taste, it’s extremely sweet – and we mean really sweet. It is reminiscent of a sugary, raspberry dessert sauce rather than a jam or spread that’s meant to be eaten on a piece of toast. The flavor was also surprisingly strong, which meant we could taste the sour lemon in the spread, which Meghan had promised in the product’s description. After trying it by the spoonful, which left us grimacing from the sweetness, we spread some on a toasted piece of sourdough, which is where things began to take a turn for the worse. It was difficult to eat the spread with the toast, as it was so thin that it dribbled everywhere and made a mess. Our once nicely toasted piece of bread became a sopping wet disaster after just a few minutes.

The spread is so sweet that it masked the flavors from the sourdough, with only the sugar from the fruit and tang of the lemon coming through. Drizzled over vanilla ice cream, a piece of pie, or a big stack of pancakes, the spread may work, and may even shine. But on its own, or eaten as one would expect to be able to enjoy jam, the product crumbled, or rather dripped, under the pressure.

[From The Daily Mail]

The Mail: here’s why it’s not jam. Also the Mail: WHY DOESN’T IT HAVE THE PROPERTIES OF JAM??? If you’ve peeped all of Meghan’s “jam” PR, she’s showing the multiple uses of her spread – she’s put it on crepes, she’s put it on ice cream, yogurt, French toast and more. Perhaps someone should spell it out for the Mail? And I love “the jam is too strong” complaint. The jam bullied the Mail. The jam made the Mail cry.

Photos courtesy of Netflix, As Ever IG.