Frightening news: Paris Hilton has an acting coach. And she’s not a new acting coach. Apparently Ivana Chubbuck is pretty well regarded too. Which leads to the next logical question… if this is Paris Hilton WITH an acting coach, what would she have been like without one? How does an acting coach correct for blatant vapidness? “Paris, instead of having flat affect and dead eyes, try raising your voice up and down and doing something crazy with that wonky eye you’ve got.” According to Paris, she’s learned a lot of acting tricks that the rest of us have never heard of.

“My acting coach, Ivana Chubbuck … She’s an incredible acting coach,” Hilton told PEOPLE at Monday’s premiere of her new romantic comedy, The Hottie and the Nottie, in Hollywood.

“If it’s a scene where I have to get upset, I’ll think of a past person,” the heiress, who turns 27 on Feb. 17, said recently of Chubbuck’s advice. “I’ll think of something in my life, use it in the scene, and it really works.”

[From People]

I’m pretty sure I learned the same damn thing from my mentally deranged seventh grade drama teacher. I’d really like to know how much Paris is paying this woman, because I’m pretty sure I could do the same for a lot less. I’m guessing that it’s not that Ivana Chubbuck is a bad acting coach at all. She probably assessed Paris and in about thirty seconds realized she could only teach her preschool level skills. Paris also said her mother gave her some acting advice, which I found pretty confusing. But it turns out Kathy Hilton used to be an actress. She was on two episodes of “Happy Days” in 1977 and an episode of “The Rockford Files” in 1978. How cute that Paris would think it a good idea to defer to her mother’s expertise. Which was, by the way, “…Taking your time, reading it, and making sure that it’s something you can do, and it’s fun. Just having fun with it.” Actually, that “taking your time reading” and “making sure it’s something you can do” is actually really good advice, considering how stupid her daughter is. And to prove that, I leave you with this completely un-edited, non-typo quote from Paris.

“Actors are really great if they’ve lived the life of a lot of things happen to them.”

[From People]

You know what else is really great? Speaking in more than one tense in the same sentence.