Anytime you want to make fun of Madonna, you can just poke fun at her acting. You can pick a movie from 20 years ago, mock her, and it’s still relevant. But someone like Madonna doesn’t really understand that there’s anything she’s not good at – and she certainly doesn’t understand that she didn’t shine at acting, given that she kept doing it over and over and over again. So what’s the next best way to torture movie-going audiences once you’ve subjected them to as much acting as movie studios will allow? Move on to directing of course! And do it with all the grace and humility one would expect of Madonna.

Madonna had her directorial debut at the Berlin Film Festival, and she wasn’t exactly a fan favorite. On Thursday evening she arrived at Tempelhof airport, after which she had dinner at Restaurant Entrecôte – sans makeup (gasp!). Actually because it’s Madonna, sans makeup really is a cause for a gasp. There were over 1500 reporters clambering for just 500 spots at her press conference. Madonna pointedly ignored any questions asking why she had chosen to direct, considering she had such a successful singing career. Madonna noted , “I always have been inspired by movies by Godard, Visconti, Passolini and Fellini and hope that one day I can do something that comes close to their genius.” Madonna and the word genius should never be written so closely together. She’s also completed a documentary that will be shown at Cannes in May. The big letdown of the evening was that she only visited with fans for four minutes, and signed very few autographs. The other big letdown of the night was her film. Titled “Filth & Wisdom” got mostly poor (and a few average) reviews.

“Ragged, uneven and potholed with some dire dialogue and performances, the film’s cockeyed optimism and likeable leads conspire to bring a smile by the time it’s done,” wrote Ray Bennett of movie publication the Hollywood Reporter.

Screen International’s Jonathan Romney argued “Filth & Wisdom” was not as bad as some of Madonna’s appearances in front of the camera, such as “Shanghai Surprise” and “Swept Away,” but it was “likely to be forgotten as quickly as most of them.”

Peter Bradshaw of the Guardian gave one star to the 81-minute movie. “Madonna has been a terrible actor in many, many films and now — fiercely aspirational as ever — she has graduated to being a terrible director,” he wrote. “She has made a movie so incredibly bad that Berlin festivalgoers were staggering around yesterday in a state of clinical shock.”

[From Reuters]

“Filth & Wisdom” is the story of three London roommates chasing their dreams of fame while stuck at dead end jobs. Sounds one of a kind. I know this makes me an incredibly bad person, but it makes me a little happy when Madonna fails. I just can’t stand people with ridiculous egos. One of the characters longs to be a dancer, but ends up working as a stripper. Madonna said she particularly to that dream, since she’d always longed to dance herself, until she came to New York and realized there were thousands of people with the very same goal. I’ll close this by quoting the best summary of the film’s depth, by critic Ray Bennett: “The message in … Madonna’s first outing as feature film director … is that all of us can find peace of mind if we just get in touch with our inner slut.” Touché, Madonna. Touché.

A special thanks to Celebitchy’s husband, Mr. Celebitchy, for translating the German articles.