Mariah Carey’s eleventh album, E=MC², which strikes me as way too complicated a scientific concept to be appropriated for a title for one of her albums, will be released on my least favorite day of the year, April 15. The first single, “Touch My Body,” has been given to record stations with a clip of the upcoming video online. She seems to be working the same tired windblown half-dressed angle that’s characterized her act for at least the last 10 years.

Mariah looks great now and all, but this video is total crap. She should be focusing on her lavish privileged lifestyle like all the other musicians do in their videos instead of showcasing her fading sex appeal as she seduces an insulting parody of a geek. This video makes Paris Hilton’s “Nothing in this World” look like high art. I watched “Touch My Body” a couple of times and eventually figured out that the video is taking place in the fantasy of the computer repairman, which could explain why he’s inexplicably wearing a viking helmet while romping in bed with her. It’s a symbol of his imagined virility with the self-obsessed pop star, while she’s letting us all know that her fantasy is having men believe she’s still in her 20s and in her prime. Even the song is a faded approximation of the catchy pop songs she used to put out.

Update: Everyone is pointing out to me that Mariah is making fun of herself in this video and that I should lighten up about it. They’re right, I was so blinded by my general annoyance of her that I didn’t realize it and have smacked myself on the head after realizing my mistake.

Mariah Carey is shown shopping at Gucci with her dogs on 1/29/08. That’s who she is now, she should embrace that. Thanks to Splash News.